“The Black heir, presumed dead.”
Regulus Arcturus Black, who disappeared four months ago, has been presumed dead. After a long period of investigation, we have not been able to find him or his body. The family is in deep sorrow. The funeral will be held next week for the Black family only, who ask for privacy and understanding as they grieve.
Oh
Oh.
Oh…
There was a picture of Regulus below the article, but James barely registered it. He was certain he had never seen it before, nor had he seen Regulus so serious and perfect. In a bad way. In a “The Black Heir” way. He couldn't breathe. He felt awful. He looked at the newspaper in his hands and breathed shallowly. It was breakfast. The Great Hall was in chaos and loud conversations. Remus looked at him worriedly, and Sirius looked off into the distance.
“Are you okey, mate?” Remus asked him.
James nodded in agreement. Suddenly he realized something important. Sirius. Sirius was Regulus' brother. Sirius was more important at the moment. Besides, no one at Hogwarts knew about his relationship with Regulus, so James couldn't overreact. He just couldn't. It would be weird. James looked at Sirius.
“Sirius…How…How do you feel?”
James asked Sirius slowly, watching to see how he would react. He gently placed a hand on his shoulder. He had to be here. For him. For his best friend. He wanted to show him that he was here.
“I…I…I don't know…” James barely heard Sirius's voice.
He was still staring somewhere in front of him. He was like a statue. He was staring straight ahead, and it took James a moment to realize that Sirius was actually looking at the Slintherin table. James felt a stab. And then pain throughout his chest. Because Regulus wasn't there. Just like he had been for the past four months. And he never would be again.
“Sirius...I'm sorry. But I'm here with you, right? Remus and Peter are here too. We stick together. We'll get through this, it'll be okay.”
For a moment, James didn't know why he said it would be okay. He knew it wouldn't be okay. It would never be okay again. It wouldn't be the same. Sirius had just lost his brother, and James… Who was Regulus to James? They weren’t longer together, they weren't lovers anymore. But…but James couldn't think about Regulus just as his ex. He was everything. James was sure he would never love anyone the way he loved Regulus. James didn't know what to say. He couldn't comfort himself, let alone Sirius. There was nothing he could do and it was the worst feeling in the world.
“Sirius I know that there's nothing I can do, but…I just want you to know, that you have us. You can count on us. We are the Marauders, we always stick together.”
James smiled slightly, but it was barely noticeable. It was all he could manage at the moment.
“I know, Prongs. Thank you. I just…I need time.” He mumbled.
“Don’t worry. I get it.”
James understood that. James knew what Sirius meant, and he knew it all too well. He shouldn't have understood him so well. James looked at Remus. He was looking for help, he needed help. James have to go somewhere else, somewhere far away. His head was still in chaos. One big storm, and he was a sinking ship. James needed to get out. Plus, the great hall was way too loud and noisy considering he was losing everything for the second time. Remus sat closer to Sirius and put his arm around him. He snuggled up to him gently.
“We are here, Padfoot.”
Saying it right when James was about to leave might not have been the best idea, but it was something. James stood up from the Gryffindor table, not wanting to draw attention to himself, and then ran out of the great hall as fast as he could.James subconsciously wanted to go to the Room of Requirement. To their meeting place. But it was too far away, and he could practically feel himself falling apart. Bit by bit. He promised himself he would go there soon, but now he was going to the Gryffindor Tower. He knew someone could enter the dormitory at any moment, but he didn't think about it. He wanted to disappear. He wanted to cry. He wanted to calm his head. He wanted Regulus back. He wished Regulus were here again, to smile at him, tell him that everything would be alright, and start telling him interesting facts about art and astronomy. James loved listening to him. He could listen to him for hours. James quickly crossed the common room and then went up the stairs to the dormitory. He had barely closed the door behind him when he felt the first tears. He climbed into his bed, closed the curtains and cast a silencing spell. He literally began to choke on his tears. James and Regulus haven't had a good relationship for a long time. When he was reported missing half a year ago, James was sure that Regulus was simply being held captive at the house by Walburga, but he was alive, cause she wouldn't kill her only heir. He also had the thought that Regulus might have been on some mission for Voldemort, but he preferred not to think about it. But now…James didn't know what was happening. He had no idea what had happened to Regulus. He was powerless. Besides...they broke up. Regulus hated him. James should hate him. They should forget about each other. But James couldn't. He wondered what had happened to Regulus. He wondered if he could have saved him. Could he have done something?
He felt terrible for the next week. He didn't talk at all. He couldn't say a word. Every word stuck in his throat when he wanted to say something. Everyone was focused on Sirius so no one noticed his change and it was good. Good for James. He doesn't have energy to make up lies or explain anything. Only Lily sometimes sat next to him during the meals in the Great Hall. She wanted to talk with him, but he was quiet. So she talked. And Lily thought that he was like that because he was in sorrow with Sirius, his best friend, because of his younger brother. But James was in sorrow because he lost the love of his life. Of course, he also was sad cause of Sirius. He lost his brother. And that was terrible. But for the first time in his life, James bet on himself and let himself be sad. Cause he lost Regulus. His star. Love of his life. He would never hear his voice again. He missed him. James wanted to hear Regulus’ voice even if Regulus wanted to yell at him. James would let him. He wanted Regulus back.
James was barely present in class, he was pretending that he’s sick or something. Sirius also stayed in the dormitory very often, but most of the time he slept. James cried. Or was just sitting in silence, feeling his heart breaking and with a headache. Lily asked him a few times if he was okay, but James just nodded and continued to play with his food on the plate. At night he was looking at the sky, looking for Regulus’ star but he couldn't find it. As it was barely visible just as real Regulus. James talked to Regulus in his head, a few times but he stopped when he realized that he would never get to know the real answers of his questions.
One day when he was walking to the Great Hall, he suddenly walked towards someone. He couldn't say a word so he just looked down to apologize and wanted to walk away but the person took his wrist and took him to one of the empty class. Only then did he realize it was Pandora. James knew her, she was Regulus' friend and he often talked about her. James looked at her a bit shocked.
“Pandora?” he spoke for the first time in a week. His voice was raspy and quiet, never before having been unused for so long. “W-what are you doing?”
“Are you kidding me? I was just waiting to catch you somewhere alone. We need to talk.” she said with a cold tone. James never before heard her voice but Regulus was always describing her as someone positive and happy.
He felt his chest ache
“I…I…What? Why?”
“Stop acting like a fool! After everything he had done, after what you were promising him, YOU are spending time with Lily. Everything is okay with YOU!”
James frowned. What was she talking about? Pandora was saying something else, but James could barely hear her. His brain began to work, trying to understand something. James felt like he was going to vomit. Too much Regulus. He wanted to burrow himself into bed again.
“...and worst of all, you casually ignored the letter Regulus wrote to you, even after he told you he LOVED YOU.” Pandora looked at him, a bit disappointed. “Did you even loved him, James?” She asked. It was barely a whisper. His eyes opened wide and he looked at Pandora. He felt a stab in his chest.
“Of course I did! I do!” James wanted to ask about the letter, but he would in a moment. Pandora was questioning his feelings for Regulus. He had to defend them.
“So why are you acting like nothing happened? What's going on with Lily? You know, that Regulus was jealous about her. Why are you casually spending time with Lily?!”
James took a deep breath. He felt terrible.
“I feel awful. Every time Regulus is mentioned I feel like someone's stabbing me. I go out to eat and then I sit in my dorm and my friends think I'm sick.”
James cleared his throat, it felt strange to suddenly be talking so much after a week of not saying a word.
“I haven't said anything at all, you're the first person I've talked to since… I see Sirius, whom I can't help because there's nothing that would help now. I have to pretend that I just have a cold, but I feel like…”
The whole world has ended. The love of his life is dead. But James couldn't say it, because then it would be more true. Even though it happened and James can't do anything, he still won't say it out loud.
“As for Lily, she just sits with me at breakfast. Remus is usually with Sirius in the dormitory, and Peter would ask why I’m not talking. And I don't have the strength to respond.”
He tried to find more words. But he couldn't. There were no words. He was actually surprised that Pandora didn't interrupt him. Now, was his time for questions.
“Pandora what letter?” He asked and looked at her. She was a bit surprised.
“Didn’t you get the letter?”
“No. What letter?”
Pandora looked like she was about to cry. A million emotions flashed across her face.
“Regulus, you coward.” She muttered. “I swear Barty is going to bring him back from the dead to drown him all over again.” She said it more like herself than James.
“Drown?” James looked at her. So Regulus was probably on some Voldemort mission. James didn't want to think about it. He pushed such thoughts away. He still couldn't believe that the Regulus he met in the Room of Requirement was…
“Regulus…Three months after he went missing, I was sitting in his, Evan's and Barty's dormitory. Suddenly a house elf appeared. And... He started telling what had happened…He said Voldemort had horcruxes, which made him immortal. There were six of them, and Regulus...wanted to find them and destroy them. And kill Voldemort.”
James felt something heavy sink in his stomach. Regulus wanted to kill Voldemort. But...it didn't make sense...he was…
“But…he was a deatheather.”
The words barely passed his throat.
“He never wanted to be a Death Eater. He knew a lot of strange and dangerous spells, but he was forced to learn them. He was forced to do all that stuff. He finally wanted to do something good. He found out where the first horcrux was. From what Kreacher said, they were in a cave full of water with a small island and a bowl in the middle. They sailed there by boat. Regulus drank the poison from the bowl, but in the meantime he was losing his mind. He managed to switch the locket to that fake horcrux. Then...the inferjus pulled him underwater.” Pandora closed her eyes and seemed to try to clear her mind, but James still looked much worse.
Regulus wanted to kill Voldemort. He drank some fucked up poison and then drowned. That must have been awful. James felt a pain in his chest. He felt like he was about to cry.
“He left letters for all of us. But…you probably don't get yours. And also…I don't know if I should say it, but I think that I should even if Regulus doesn't want me to… “her voice was a bit shaking. She was saying everything quickly but took a breath to calm herself. “Kreacher gave me a Horcrux and told me that Regulus had told me to destroy it if he failed.”
It sounded like Regulus was aware that he would die. It sounded like Regulus was ready for it. Like…like a suicide. And James couldn't bear the thought. Pandora noticed it, but she doesn't say anything. She pulled a green locket with a snake in the middle out of her pocket
“Salazar Slyntherin's locket. Regulus made a fake of it and swapped it with the real thing. And now I have it.”
James felt a chill run down his spine. So this was a piece of Voldemort's soul? So Regulus died for this? So this was the last thing he touched? James slowly reached out and touched the locket. Pandora handed it to him, and James was terrified that it was so cold. For a moment, he thought of Regulus' hands, but even they weren't that cold. James looked at the locket and then gave it to Pandora.
“Do you have any ideas how to destroy it?”
“I have some. And I’ll do it. For Regulus.” She smiled crookedly.
James nodded. He was still shocked from all that informations. Also, he wanted to know what Regulus had wrote in the letter to him. Pandora seemed to read his mind.
“C’mon with me, I think we could find that letter. I'm sure Regulus wrote it but was to scared to give it to you.”
James followed Pandora. They left the classroom and went down to the dungeons, to the Slyntherin common room. As he walked down the hallway, James felt like everyone was giving him dirty looks, even though that wasn't true. It was as if everyone knew he and Regulus were together, even though it was impossible. On the other hand, it was strange that the world continued to function. The same as it always had. Without Regulus Black, and for the world it was no great loss. One of the many stars had disappeared. And that was it. For James it was a great, irreversible loss. His world had ended. Regulus Black found a horcrux. A turning point in the war. But no one knew. And no one will ever know.
James had never been to Regulus' dormitory before. The Slyntherin common room was cold and green, like a banquet hall. Regulus' dormitory looked similar to Gryffindor's, but green and a little less cozy. When he entered with Pandora, they stood in the doorway for a moment.
“Shouldn't you be at breakfast?" She looked at Evan and Barty, who were sitting on Evan's bed.
“We are not hungry.” Barty shrugged
“And I have headache” Evan said.
Pandora rolled his eyes and entered the room. The boys looked at James a bit confused.
“Why is he here?” Barty looked at James and then at Pandora.
“It's not your business at this point.”
“Oh it is. It's our dorm. And he’s a Gryffindor.”
“It doesn't matter, we'll leave soon anyway. Besides, I'm from Ravenclaw and somehow I can be here."
“You are not the same" Evan said and sat on his bed, looking at his sister.
“He’s not the same too.” She said and walked over to one of the beds, which James noticed immediately.
It was perfectly made, everything was organized on the nightstand. Typical Regulus. Plus, the whole thing was covered in a layer of dust, but James tried not to think about that anyway. Pandora looked at the furniture for a moment before opening the drawer. James wondered if Regulus would let her, but it probably didn't matter now. Barty and Evan looked like someone had poured paint on some important monument.
“Panda, what are you doing?!” Evan looked at her.
“I'm looking for something. Don't worry, Regulus would let me.”
“Is it for…” He looked at her confused. It was obvious that he didn't want to say some word.
“Yes.” She said quickly.
James thought that it was probably about the locket, and he theoretically didn't know about it, so they couldn't say such things in front of him. Theoretically, James had nothing to do with Regulus. He shouldn't be here.
Pandora pulled a few sheets of paper out of the drawer. James recognized Regulus's handwriting. They were small, folded sheets of paper. They all started with the same words:
To the Dark Lord
James tried not to think about it. He tried not to think about Voldemort, and Regulus as Death Eater. Pandora was still searching for something in the drawer. The notes looked like Regulus was searching for the right words and then giving up. Like when you write an essay. At first you can do it easily but then you can't find more words. Finally, you accept that the professor will give you detention or deduct house points for lack of homework. It was as if Regulus couldn't find the words. There were times when he wanted to give up and just stay at Hogwarts, but then he'd just be another Death Eater. And he couldn't. He had to do something good. He wanted to do something good at least once in his life and save someone. So he went back to writing. One note was written so sloppily that James would never have guessed it was Regulus's. Maybe he wrote it late at night? But it was clearly finished. James guessed the final note was identical. Regulus probably left it inside the fake locket. Like the real one, it opened, but the real one had Voldemort's soul, while the fake one only had paper.
To the Dark Lord.
I know I’ll be dead long before you read this. But I want you to knew that it was I who discovered your secret. I have stolen the real horcrux and intend to destroy it, as soon as I can. I face death in hope that when you meet your match, you will be mortal once more.
R.A.B.
James felt a small pang as he read the note, innocently lying on the bedside table. Regulus knew that he would die. Pandora finally pulled out the letter.
“I have it.” She smiled crookedly. “I think he hid it so well on purpose, he usually had literally everything tidy.”
James showed no reaction. He didn't know how to act around Barty and Evan. Besides, in his head he had this idea that Regulus knew he was going to die. I face death in hope that when you meet your match you will be mortal once more. James couldn't throw it out his head. Pandora left the room and James followed her. They went out into the corridor, a few Slytherins giving them dirty looks. Pandora handed the letter to James.
“Here you are”
“Thanks” he said quietly, barely looking at her.
He was looking at the envelope that had "James" written on it in Regulus' perfect handwriting. He felt something in his chest again. He felt like about to cry again. He felt like he did when he read the article. He had to be alone because he felt like he was falling apart again.
“Pandora I…”
“I know. Go to your dorm, don't worry” Pandora now sounded the same as she had when Regulus had described her.
She had been full of different emotions before. She had been angry and disappointed with James, and stressed about Barty and Evan being in the room. Now she was like that when Regulus was describing her. James felt something in his stomach again.
He said a feeble goodbye to Pandora and practically ran to Gryffindor Tower. Regulus' letter was clutched tightly in his hands. It was the most important thing in the world at that moment. As James jumped onto his bed and drew the curtains, he felt the back of his head throb and his lungs burn from the effort. But it didn't matter.
Dear James,
As I write this, Pandora is sitting next to me. She says I should write to Sirius too, but I don't know if I will. I'm sure you'd agree with her.
Please, read this and don't burn it. I need to tell you some things that I didn't say before and I regret it.
I love you. I'm sorry, I love you.
My parents told me to take the dark mark. They said that I must do it, or they would force Sirius to do it. And I couldn't say no. What kind of brother would I be if I took away Sirius' freedom and happiness? I'm sorry.
My mother was planning a wedding for me. It's a good thing I won't live to it. I would never be able to love anyone other than you in my life. You were everything.
I'm sorry we ended up like this. I believe it shouldn't be this way. Maybe if I had escaped with Sirius, everything would have been fine. Maybe I would be sitting next to you now.
I promise you, we'll meet again someday. Maybe among the stars. Maybe in another lifetime. I promise you, we’ll meet again. Somewhere far away from here. Somewhere where we could be happy and looking at the stars as we should right now.
I think seventeen years is a long time to live. Although I know we were given too little time. I enjoyed every moment with you. I'm grateful that I got to know you. I'm grateful that you weren't scared of the darkness inside me.
I regret everything but you. What a shame I didn't get the chance to marry you.
Please, look at my star sometimes and think of me. Maybe you still remember how to find me in the sky. Please, if you look at the Illiad, let it remind you of me.
Maybe, you hate me a little less now. I'm sorry. I still think I said too little. But words can't express what I feel.
I love you, James. You were everything.
Regulus
Regulus Black died, thinking that James Potter hated him.
Time continued to pass.
James was staring at the the sky every night.