Down On His Knees

The kiss was frantic and needy; Evan was cupping Barty’s face, still somehow being gentle despite the urgency of the kiss. Barty, on the other hand, was grabbing onto any part of Evan he could find. This. This is what Barty wanted. Everything on his body hurt, it felt like he could just lie down and die, but he also never felt so alive. He needed Evan. Evan was the missing piece to something Barty hadn’t even known he was missing. This couldn’t be wrong. He felt more right than he did his entire life. 

When he kissed Evan– no, scratch that, when he was with Evan, all the guilt and shame and hate and loathing went away. He made Barty feel like maybe his existence wasn’t wrong. Like it wasn’t his fault all this time. That maybe, just maybe, everything he had been taught really was bullshit. Who was his father to tell him that this was wrong? Who was the town to look down on him? Who was God to tell him that loving Evan was a sin?

It was bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit. Barty had known it for a while now, somewhere deep within him. He just couldn’t bring himself to admit it. Because how was he supposed to just stop believing in what everyone had told him? No matter how hard he tried, or how much he knew, it still ate at him. 

“What’s all the commotion– Bartemius.”

Both boys froze at the voice, pulling apart from each other. Standing there, was Barty’s father. And a bunch of other congregants. 

“Shit.” Evan hissed under his breath, taking a small step in front of Barty. 

“Dad, I can explain–” Barty started, only to get cut off.

“No! It was the Rosier boy, this whole time? After I told you not to go near him! Are you deaf?!” 

Half the town was now watching Barty and Evan in disgust. Barty dropped his eyes to the ground, his hands gripping his pants tightly. Everyone knew. He couldn’t hide it anymore. 

“Dear… Who knew that such a good boy would turn out to be a homosexual.” Mrs. Carrow shook her head, her words coated in disappointment. She said it quietly, but Barty could hear it. Everyone could. 

“I knew there was something off about that Rosier boy! He corrupted Father Crouch’s son!” 

“We should’ve set him straight years ago.”

There were murmurs of agreement, everyone chiming in with their own two cents. It made Barty his stomach churn. Evan didn’t do anything wrong.

“Bartemius, get over here.” His father ordered, not even blinking twice. He expected Barty to just listen. To wilt and do as he said. Like he normally did. And though everything– every thought, every wave of nausea, every bone in his body– wanted to listen to his father, he didn’t move. Barty was done. 

“Don’t make me repeat myself. Get over here. You’re making everyone wait.” 

Everyone stared at Barty expectantly, waiting for him to come over and leave Evan behind. 

“No. I’m not goin’ to, I’m stayin’ with him.”

His father’s eyebrows raised, and he crossed his arms. Oh, that wasn’t good.  

“Get over here. Now. No son of mine will engage in activities such as these. You’re embarrassing me Bartemius.” 

Barty scoffed, wiping hair out of his face as he stepped out from behind Evan. Embarrassing him? “I’m embarrassing you? That’s all you fucking care about, isn’t it?”

“Do not curse at me, young man! You think you have a choice? I’m your father, and you will listen to me. You live under my roof, and you will follow my rules.” 

“That’s not how that fucking works, old man.” Evan finally spoke up, looking between Barty and his father. “You don’t just get to boss him around. You’re his father– barely, I’d say, with the way you treat him– but that doesn’t just-”

“Evan,” Barty held his hand up, smiling at him, “I’ve got it.”

Barty turned back to his father, walking up to him halfway, Evan’s hand letting go of his wrist. He had never talked back to his father this much. This is stupid. Just listen to him. His hands were shaking, but he balled them into fists. He took a breath, ignoring the nagging in his head. He was finished taking his father’s shit. 

“You’re my father, yeah. I can’t fuckin’ deny that. But that’s not my fuckin’ fault. I didn’t ask to be brought into this world. I didn’t want you to have to take care of me. I didn’t want you to be my father. But here we are.” Barty laughed dryly, taking one hand out to scrub his face. 

His father opened his mouth to speak, but Barty held up a hand, not wanting to give him the chance to speak. 

“No! You don’t get to speak! I’m done, I’m so done Dad. I can’t fuckin’ take this anymore. I’ve done everything right! I stay out of trouble, I go to church, I listen to everythin’ you fucking say! But it’s never enough. And this-” He pointed to his chest and back, “Is what I get! I get punished over and over and over and over again, and I’m done!” Barty’s chest was heaving, and his eyes were narrowed at his father when he was finished. He already knew his father wouldn’t listen or care. But it felt good. For the first time in this damned life of his, he said something.

“What has he done to you?” His father shook his head, looking so disgusted it hurt, “Has he really made you think all this? This is why God has deemed homosexuality a sin. It’s Satan’s way of taking you away from God’s path for you. By engaging with him, you’ve let Satan into your heart. I thought you were better than this Bartemius.”

“I-” Barty cut himself off. No. No, that wasn’t true. What he said was right, his father was just… 

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I should just…

A hand on his arm stopped his thoughts from continuing any further. He turned to look back at Evan, who was looking way too unsure for Barty’s liking. He doubted him. He was worried Barty would listen to his father. Guilt ate at Barty’s stomach, because he couldn’t even blame him. Time after time, he’d always pushed Evan away, letting what his father taught him rule his thoughts. Not this time. 

“I’m not better than this. Dad, I love him. I do, really. Why the fuck is that so wrong? It’s not! It’s really not.”

“Bartemius, you don’t know what you’re talking about. You know, I’ve heard of camps where boys like you can be fixed, I’ll start looking into one to send you to-”

“No!” Evan yelled, stepping up and grabbing Barty’s father by the collar. Barty gaped at him with wide eyes. “You’re not sending him to one of those fucking camps. Are you fucking insane? What kind of father does that?”

“How dare you speak to your elder like that boy-”

“Evan! Evan, it’s fine! Leave him alone.” Barty pulled him back, glaring at his father. 

“It’s not fine, he’s trying to send you to a fucking conversion camp Barty, don’t you understand-”

“I know. But I’m not going.”

His father scoffed at him, “If I say you’re going, you are. Which you are.”

“No.”

“Bartemius, if you keep disrespecting me like this, you’re not going be allowed back home.”

Barty’s eyes went wide. What?

“You’re gonna kick me out?”

“I refuse to keep a son who’s going to blatantly disrespect me and my God. You’re a disgrace.”

“You- You’re gonna disown me. If I stay with Evan?” 

“Yes, Bartemius. Have I not made that clear enough?”

Barty looked to Evan, whose face was blank, but Barty could tell. Evan had that resigned look in his eyes. He thinks I’m going to go. Barty cupped Evan’s cheek, grinning at him. “You can’t get rid of me that easily, Rosie.”

He turned to his father. “Fine. I’ll get my stuff and leave.”

“No, you’ll leave now. I paid for everything you own. It’s not yours.”

Barty raised his eyebrows, laughing dryly. He wanted to play that game, he could. “Fine. I hope you’re fuckin’ happy dad.”

He didn’t want to go. He didn’t know where he’d go. It’s not like he had any friends he could stay with. But he also couldn’t leave that damn town. Was he really doing this? Abandoning everything he had for a boy? But it wasn’t just a boy. It was Evan. Maybe he was throwing his life away. Maybe they would break up and he’d regret this decision for the rest of his life. Maybe he’d end up running back to his father. But right now, none of that mattered. Evan was here. Evan wanted him. He wanted Evan. He loved Evan. And that’s more than he could say about his father. 

“Go. I don’t want to see your face unless you’re coming back to apologize.” His father– Crouch Sr. stared at him coldly. To someone who didn’t know they were related, it looked like they could be strangers with how he was looking at him with such hate. It was like he hadn’t raised Barty his whole life. None of it mattered to his father. Though everything had mattered to him. Barty could feel his throat closing up and his eyes stinging, glaring at his father. He knew his father wasn’t joking. He meant every word he said.

“Barty– Bat. Let’s go.” Evan tugged at his arm, his voice too gentle. It made Barty feel like he was fragile. He wasn’t. With one last look at Crouch Sr, Barty shrugged Evan’s hands off of him and started walking off. He stared forward, just needing to get away from there. No one wanted him there. It’s fine. He didn’t need anyone either. Barty had always been alone, no matter who was next to him. This would be no different.

But then someone grabbed his hand, and he flinched back. 

“Bat. Bat, it’s just me.” Evan stood in front of him, stopping him from walking anymore. 

Barty slowed down, freezing in front of Evan. His head felt like a mess, and he had this urge to punch someone. 

“Bat. Look at me.” He grabbed Barty’s face, forcing him to look down at him. 

“What?” He spat.

“Breathe. A lot of shit just happened and you need to fucking breathe.”

He took a breath in, but because he felt like being a bitch, he didn’t breathe out. 

“Barty,” Evan leveled his stare, “Breathe out.”

 He sighed. The tension in Barty’s shoulders eased the slightest bit, and Evan let go of his face. Barty sort of hated when Evan was right.

“You good?”

Barty nodded, “Yeah, I’m good.”

Evan raised his eyebrows at Barty.

“What do you want me to say, Ev? I just got fuckin’ disowned and kicked out, the whole town hates me because I’m gay, and I don’t have anywhere to go! How do you think I am?”

Evan nodded, letting Barty keep going, which he was grateful for– he needed to get his thoughts straight.

“I can’t stay here. Neither of us can, but what other choice do we fucking have? We’re 17! What the fuck are we supposed to do on our own?”

“We could run away.” 

Maybe Evan was insane. “What?”

“We could run away. Panda and I thought of doing it for years now, and we can still go to school somewhere else. We don’t have to stay in this shithole.” 

They could actually do it. They could leave, and not have to come back. 

“What about your sister?”

“She’ll come too. We can do this, Bat. It’ll be hard, yeah, but when hasn’t life been?”

Barty thought about it. He could leave. He could really leave. Leave his father, this life, this shitty fucking life behind. But as nice as it sounded, there were still things for him there. What about Sirius and Regulus? Barty would say he didn’t have friends until he was blue in the face, but they were the closest things he had. 

“It’d be just us three?” 

Evan nodded. 

What did he have to lose? Yeah, he may miss the two brothers, but it wasn’t enough to get him to stay. Barty had been ready to leave long ago, but he’d never had a reason to. Evan gave him that reason. 

“Let’s do it,” He grinned, stepping closer to Evan and grabbing his hand, “I ain’t got nothin’ else to lose.” He brought Evan’s hand to his mouth and kissed it. 

Evan rolled his eyes at him, but there was a smile on his face. Barty leaned down to kiss him, and for once, he wasn’t terrified of doing so. It tasted like blood– the mix of blood from their split lips– but that only made him pull Evan closer.

“I love you, Rosie. So goddamn much-” He whispered between a kiss, but it was cut off by Evan dragging his lips back to his. 

It was only when they pulled back, breathing hard into each other’s mouths from how close they were, that Evan said it back.

“I love you too, Bat.”

They stayed there like that for a moment, before Evan pushed Barty up against the nearest wall to kiss him again. It was only when the owner of the shop they were up against came back from church, shooing them off with some fun language, that they stopped and ran. They were hand in hand, Barty cackling as he flipped the store owner off.

Barty had no clue what they were going to do next. Yeah, they were going to run away, but that’s not much of a plan. But right then, he couldn’t bring himself to care. He had Evan in his arms. He was kissing him. He was his. There was no more father to tell him he was born a fuck up, no more spending his time in his room because having friends would get him in trouble, no more of having to spend every fucking moment on edge. He didn’t have to hide or pretend or sneak around anymore. He didn’t have to go to the godforsaken church anymore– He didn’t have to pray anymore. The realization that he was really free dawned on him. God didn’t care about him. God didn’t do anything. Barty was done kneeling to someone who didn’t listen. Who– for all Barty knew– didn’t even fucking exist. Because what kind of God lets this happen? Tells Barty that who that who he was was wrong? A God should have saved Barty. A God should have loved Barty. But the only one who had ever done that for Barty was Evan. 

Evan was his God. He was the only one Barty would ever need, and he’s the only one that would ever love Barty. He kept coming back, no matter how many times Barty pushed him away. He’s the one who saved Barty. The one who finally got his father to stop. If there was anyone he’d ever get down on his knees to worship ever again–

It’d be Evan.