Down On His Knees

He did indeed, get fucked. He got fucked good, actually. It was hard trying to keep his voice down, because they were in a confession room with people outside. If anyone heard, Barty thinks his father would kill him on the spot. But luckily, Evan stuffed a belt in Barty’s mouth, so that muffled him a good bit. Both boys were now fumbling to get dressed again, Barty pulling up his pants and searching for his shirt, while Evan was just buckling his belt after wiping Barty’s spit off. They were both sweaty and uncomfortable but they had spent way too long in that confessional, and they needed to get out. 

“Was there anyone after you?” Barty whispered to Evan, really hoping the answer would be the opposite of what he got. 

“...Yeah. One or two other people, probably more now.” 

“Shit.” He couldn’t even bring himself to care that he was swearing in church. He just had to make sure he wasn’t going to get in trouble. For literally fucking in a confessions booth. 

“You need to leave. Now.” Barty said once he saw Evan had all his clothes on. 

He nodded, rolling his eyes a bit,  “Yeah, no shit. I’ll see you tomorrow Barty.” 

Barty pushed the sliding door of the booth closed again, not even saying goodbye to Evan. Evan was now but a shadow once again as he left. 

 Barty tried not to think too hard about what he just did, especially where he did it. He’d let himself just ride the high, and get through these last few confessions. The next person came into the room, closing the door behind them. Barty’s got the words he needs to say memorized by now.

“In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen. May God, who has enlightened every heart, help you to know your sins and trust in his mercy.” 

Barty was thinking that someone needed to be saying that to him, not the other way around.

***

Barty couldn’t do it. He couldn’t talk to Evan anymore. After what happened in the confession room and a sleepless night of him tossing and turning, constantly getting onto his knees and praying for forgiveness until he was sick to his stomach– He decided he couldn’t talk to Evan anymore. What he had done was unforgivable. He’d committed a grave sin, in church. In a place where you were supposed to be confessing and repenting for his sins. Just remembering what they’d done made Barty’s face go hot– and that made him feel sick. He was sick. He’d had sex with a man in church. Fuck. Barty couldn’t do this anymore. He was scared, he was scared as shit. What if someone heard them? What if someone got suspicious? What if someone connected the dots and figured out that the priest’s son was a homosexual? What if his father found out? God- He’d be sent away. After a well due punishment. Barty can’t even imagine how badly that’d hurt. He deserved it though. He was acting out more than he ever had.

He deserved to get punished for what he’d done. Barty felt another wave of nausea wash over him as he looked in the mirror. He had to go to school, he didn’t have a choice. His father wouldn’t allow him to stay home for no reason. But if he went to school, he’d see Evan. And he’d have to avoid him. It’s fine. It’s not like him and Evan had done anything more than sex. They were barely even friends. He’d known Evan for a week. It’s fine. Evan would be fine. It’s not like he really liked Barty anyways, if how much he insulted Barty was anything to go by. It’s fine. He wouldn’t care. And neither did Barty. 

Splashing his face with water, Barty looked in the mirror and sighed. It’ll be fine. He just had to ignore him. He’d done that to many people over the years, no biggie. 

It was indeed a biggie. Ignoring Evan was hard. Evan tried to come up to him once, while Barty was at his locker, which Barty then effectively snapped at him, “Fuck off, Evan.” 

Evan stared at Barty, somehow not flinching at all at his harsh tone. He just nodded and left. 

Barty figured that’d be enough to scare him off. Well– not scare– Barty didn’t think Evan ever got scared, but it got him to leave Barty alone. Alone… He was alone again. Barty stood in front of his locker still, he hadn’t moved since Evan left. Sure, Barty wasn’t really alone, but he didn’t really have anyone either. Friends? Nonexistent. Unless you counted whatever small little truce he had with the Black siblings. They ate lunch together sometimes, or he and Regulus paired up together in class, or in an even more rare instance, Barty and Sirius shared a smoke together, off where people couldn’t see. Where expectations and prying eyes couldn’t find them. 

Barty honestly really needed this to be one of those days. The thought of being alone with his thoughts, which would most definitely wander back to Evan, was suffocating in and of itself. 

He knew that Sirius usually hid under the steps during lunch, so Barty decided that’s where he was going today. Last time he’d been to lunch, he was with Evan. Barty slammed his locker shut, getting him a few stares as he stormed off to class, his eyes glued ahead of him. He wouldn’t let himself even consider thinking about Evan. Evan was the Devil trying to get to Barty in human form, and like hell he’d let that happen. But even so, walking past the open classroom of a certain blonde boy, hurt Barty way more than he’d admit. 

*** 

Barty had never been more grateful to see Sirius Black in his life. And a bonus, Regulus was there too. He walked up to the two boys who were sitting against the wall; Sirius sprawled out with one knee up, and Regulus sitting with his legs crossed, making sure his skirt wasn’t riding up or showing anything. They looked up at him curiously, confused as to why he was there. 

“What do you want?” Sirius asked, crossing his arms. He always always so fucking defensive, it pissed Barty off. But he knew why.

“To sit with y'all. If that’s okay with you.” 

Now that, Regulus raised his eyebrows at. “You would like to sit with us? Willingly?”

He nodded. “I need a cig.”

“Ah, there it is. I knew this ass wasn’t just here for the company.” Sirius scoffed, yet he still pulled out a cigarette and handed it to Barty. He was allowed to join them. Sighing, he sat down next to Regulus, leaning his head against the wall as Sirius handed him a lighter. Barty stared at the fire for a moment, just watching it flicker and burn, before lighting the cigarette. Sirius was the first to break the silence. 

“So what’s got you all wound up?” He could tell he’d tried to hold off on asking for as long as he could, but his curiosity got the best of him. 

“Nothin'. Can’t a guy just need a smoke?”

He shrugged and Regulus spoke up, “You never ‘just’ anything. There’s always a reason when it comes to you.” 

Barty sighed, slightly uncomfortable that Regulus knew him well enough to know that.

“The boy Rosier.”

“The one you’ve been hanging out with recently?”

“No, the one he’s never met in his life– No shit the one he’s been hanging out with, Sirius.” 

“Anyways,” Barty cut them off before they could keep bickering,  “He’s just getting on my nerves so now I’m ignorin’ him.”

Both boys raised their eyebrows at him, and Barty thought it was kinda freaky how alike they were sometimes. 

“But you’ve had heart eyes on this dude for like the last week, what the hell do you mean you’re ignoring him?” 

That made Barty’s stomach sink even further. Heart eyes? He didn’t have heart eyes, he didn’t like Evan like that.

“Shut the fuck up, Sirius. I wasn’t making fucking heart eyes at him. I’m not a fucking queer.” He snapped, taking a harsh drag of his cigarette. 

The two went silent, exchanging glances with each other. Barty hated it. Them acting like they knew better than him. And he hated that he knew they were right, he just couldn’t openly say or admit it. 

“Whatever you say.” Sirius eventually sighed, pulling out a cigarette for himself. Barty handed Sirius his lighter back, and Regulus went back to reading whatever he’d been before. 

Barty came here because he’d wanted to talk, but now no one was talking and the only thing they’d talked about was the one thing he didn’t want to talk about. He sighed, pushing himself to his feet, which got him a look from Sirius– Regulus didn’t even look up. 

“Thanks for this,” He motioned to the cigarette in his hand, “But I’m gonna go now. Thanks again.” He walked off, not giving either of them a chance to say goodbye. 

***

It’s been two weeks. Two whole goddamn weeks since he’s seen Evan. Barty had all but forgotten about Evan by now– The way he smirked, the way his eyes looked when he was talking about something he liked, the way his body tensed up when– Okay, maybe he hadn’t forgotten about Evan. But that didn’t matter. He’d made it seem like he did. He started hanging out with Regulus, sometimes Sirius too, more often. Made it seem like he’d gotten new friends. He didn’t need Evan. Evan was just going to make Barty more of a disappointment than he already was. And Evan hadn’t talked to him all these weeks either. Not one attempt. A part of Barty was hurt by that, not that he’d ever admit it. Did Evan not see him as a friend at all? Did he really care so little that Barty telling him to fuck off and ignoring him had no effect? Barty clenched his fists at the thought. It didn’t matter. He and Evan were history.

Barty walked into calculus expecting to sit next to Regulus, as he’d been doing consistently over the past two weeks. But no, Barty could never just have peace could he? What the fuck did he do so wrong to have to endure this level of torture?

Barty stopped dead in his tracks as he walked through the door. There was no fucking way. Satan really had it fucking out for him, huh? Cause fucking hell, why was Evan sitting in Regulus’ seat? And why was Regulus sitting all the way in the back with who seemed to be Pandora? It was just Barty’s luck that all the other seats were taken, so he walked in, trying to avoid looking Evan in the eye for as long as he could, and sat next to him. 

“Hi.” Evan greeted him, and Barty could swear he heard the smirk in his voice. 

Barty just nodded at him, barely acknowledging his existence. 

“I just got transferred to this class, in case you were wondering.” 

Oh so now he wanted to be Mr. talks a lot, after all those times of silence. Was this his way of getting back at Barty? It had to be. 

Evan sighed and turned, facing the front as the teacher walked in. Barty relaxed the slightest bit, thinking maybe Evan would leave him alone. Barty bent down to reach for his notes, but Evan stopped him. He couldn’t help looking at him confused. Evan reached over Barty, his hand going to brace himself on Barty’s thigh, dangerously close to another part of his body, and pulled Barty’s notebook out himself. Barty was staring at him with wide eyes, his whole body thrumming just because Evan had touched him. In the back of his mind, he was thinking how he wanted Evan just to move his hand up a bit–

“There you go.” He smiled at Barty as he sat up straight again, patting Barty’s thighs before his hand was gone. It felt cold where Evan had been touching him.

Barty blinked, still shocked before he could reply. “I- yeah. Thanks.” 

Evan nodded, going back to focusing on the teacher.

What the ever loving fuck was that? Barty was freaking out internally. Why had Evan done that? That was perfectly normal right? Guys just helping each other out. That’s all. 

But it can’t be just that if it keeps happening. 

Evan kept going. He kept touching Barty and lingering. He kept making up excuses and it was driving Barty insane. 

“Oh, there was something in your hair.” He said when he started messing in Barty’s hair.

“You had an eyelash on your cheek.” He claimed when he caressed Barty’s face.

“There was lint on your pants.” He shrugged as he touched Barty’s thigh again.

Barty couldn’t think straight. It was always so quick that Barty didn’t have time to respond. But by that point, he knew Evan was doing it on purpose. It was obvious, he was trying to get a reaction out of Barty. Just as Evan moved to touch Barty again, the bell rang. 

Thank fuck. 

Barty gathered his things as fast as he could, and hightailed it out of the classroom, not sparing a glance at Evan. He had to get out of there. But on his way out, he could’ve swore he heard Regulus laughing. 

***

It happened again. And again. And again. And again. And again– The point is made. Evan was now permanently in Barty’s class, and seemed to be hellbent on getting Barty to crack. He learned that part from Regulus after school that day.

“He’s trying to make you break, you know.” He had stated simply as he walked up to Barty. A sentence to which Barty scowled and huffed, “He’s gonna have to do better than that.”

Regulus raised an eyebrow, “Is he? Cause from where I was sitting, it looked like he was getting exactly what he wanted.”

Barty felt the shame seeping into his being. Even when he was trying not to, he still gave in. Why did he have to be like this? At that moment, Barty made it his mission that he wouldn’t give Evan a reaction. He wouldn’t crack. He was going to stand firm on what he said. Barty was not going to let him be the thing that got him sent to hell. 

But being nonchalant when he’s right next to Barty, and constantly touching him, proved to be harder than Barty thought. Especially when Evan was so Evan. How was Barty supposed to not stare at Evan when he smiled? How was he not supposed to internally– and maybe externally– drool when he stretched and Barty got a glimpse of Evan’s stomach? How was he supposed to resist this boy who seemed to be made for Barty? Barty needed him so bad.

But he couldn’t have him. So he had to make sure he didn’t forget it. 

He prayed. He went to bed without dinner. He spoke back to his father, something that’s guaranteed to get him punished. Everytime he let himself react to Evan, another punishment. He’d started getting creative too, taking scalding hot showers, hitting himself with a belt. 

It was like a twisted game of chicken. Barty hated it. But he loved how he felt with Evan. 

But he couldn’t keep on like this. 

So, on that Friday, Barty gave up. Whether it was willingly or not, he couldn’t tell. It was mid class, and Evan was inching his hand up Barty’s thigh again, and a small whimper left his mouth. Evan’s eyes went wide and his head swerved to make sure no one else heard that. He relaxed once he decided no one noticed, looking back at Barty.

Barty smirked, unable to help himself, happy to have gotten a reaction out of him instead of the other way around. Barty leaned in and whispered in Evan’s ear, “Isn’t that what you wanted? I’m done resisting Rosie, I can’t fucking do this anymore.”

He stared at Barty and nodded. “Alright then, meet me in the forest after school.”

He didn’t have to tell Barty twice. 

***

Barty looked up at Evan from where he kneeled on the ground. 

“Did you think I didn’t know?” Evan asked as he leaned against the tree. 

“Didn’t know what?” Barty was confused. He didn’t do anything that needed to be hidden from Evan. Not that he knew of.

“Take off your shirt.” 

Barty froze. Oh. Oh shit. 

“Why?”

“Seeing as you’re not just doing as I say, I figure you know why.”

He couldn’t argue with that.

“Fine.” He shrugged, taking off his shirt. Evan let out a low whistle as he saw Barty.

“Damn, Crouch, you did all this yourself?”

He rolled his eyes and shook his head, “Nah, dear old dad helped a bit.”

Evan nodded, raking his eyes up and down his body again. 

“So what’s the reason? Me?”

“What we’ve been doing is a sin Evan. Maybe you haven’t realized but I am religious.”

“Would’ve never guessed. But all that is-”

“Bullshit. Yes Evan, you’ve made your stance on what I believe very clear.” And maybe it was. Barty couldn’t tell anymore. 

Evan shrugged, crossing his arms. “So you’re punishing yourself for messing around with me. Good job.”

Barty’s eyebrows raised, did Evan just say good job? 

“You’re doing the right thing after all. Homosexuality is a sin. You’re a sin Barty. So you have to repent.” Evan’s voice was low, and it sent a shiver down Barty’s spine. He doesn’t know why but with how he was sitting and how Evan was talking… It was hot. 

Barty nodded dumbly, not wanting to say anything and ruin whatever the fuck was happening. 

“You’ve got to repent, don’t you?” 

Oh. Oh so that’s where he was going with this. Barty nodded again, a bit more eagerly.

Evan chuckled, “So obedient. Come here.” 

Barty moved to stand up but Evan stopped him. “Crawl.”

Holy shit. Barty crawled closer to Evan, stopping once he was kneeling right in front of him. 

“You’re gonna do as I say, got it? God won’t forgive you otherwise.” 

Who needed God to forgive him when Evan was right there? Barty felt bad for thinking it but… He meant it?

“Yes sir.” 

Evan started unbuckling his belt, smirking at Barty. If this was his penance, he’d gladly do it every single day. 

“Now let’s start your repentance shall we?”

***

What happened next, Barty couldn’t tell you. Barty’s mind turned off as soon as he was turned on. He wasn’t thinking much, but that was fine. Evan did the thinking for him. All Barty had to do was listen– Which he most certainly did. 

He was home now, though he wasn’t really sure how. His mind was filled with Evan. Evan. Evan. Evan. He didn’t know if he knew how to think of anyone else. Barty needed Evan. If that was a sin… then honestly, fuck it. Why was it so damn wrong to want Evan? To love… Shit. Sirius was right, wasn’t he? Whether this was love or not, Barty had never felt like this about anyone. Sure he’d had girlfriends before, but nothing that really made him feel. Barty wanted to be surrounded by Evan, to never leave his side. He wanted to kiss Evan, to tell him he loved him, to be loved by him. He wanted Evan, and he wanted Evan to want him. It wasn’t so much a want as it was a need. He needed Evan like the air he breathed. 

But that was just him. Barty’s little rose tinted fantasy came crashing down as he realized he had no clue if Evan even felt the same way. They were just friends who fucked every once in a while. And with Barty’s mood swings on whether or not he’s decided to give into the guilt and ignore Evan, or just say fuck it, why would Evan want anymore than what they have? Dammit. He sighed, rolling onto his side. He went and got all attached. He felt so fucking stupid. But he couldn’t do anything about it now, it was too late. And he didn’t have in him to ignore Evan anymore. 

What was he supposed to do? The week before kept replaying in Barty’s head. Evan didn’t give up on him– or maybe he did. Maybe he just wanted to mess with Barty. Who knows? Barty sure didn’t. He eventually fell asleep, after hours of tossing and turning. He was up so late he heard his father get home. Thinking about everything would be a problem for tomorrow.