Hambog

Stacey can't explain it. Pa’no n’ya naging crush ang hambog na tinubuan ng katauhan na si Ricalde?

How can she fall for that small, braggart girl from fine arts?

Ano bang meron kay Maloi?

Maganda? Matalino? Mabango? Maraming kayang gawin? Magaling kumanta? Marunong sumayaw? May unique fashion style? Maamo ang mata? Malambot ang labi? Maloi, mababaliw na si Stacey. Maawa ka naman.

She doesn't know when she started having these annoyingly weird feelings. 

Was it when she saw her art in a pop up gallery for a school event?

Was it when she heard her sing at a gig?

Was it when she saw her dance at their school fair?

Was it when she first heard her laugh echoeng from the hallway?

Was it when she saw her feed and take care of  the stray cats at the back of their building?

Or was it when Stacey was asked by her prof to be a model for the art student? Sit pretty and be a live reference . She saw Maloi being so emerged in her element? So focused. So delicate. 

Stacey doesn't know how she survived an hour of Maloi just looking at her and drawing her.

After that class, Maloi gave Stacey the sketch she made of her. No words. Nothing. She just gave it to her and left. Leaving Stacey dumbfounded.

Stacey is not sure. She doesn't really know how it happened (sarcastically).

She is in denial. She can't accept the fact that the first person she's gonna fall in love with will be Maloi. Her polar opposite. 

Maloi is a social butterfly. The life of the party. She knows everyone and everyone knows her. Wherever she goes, someone will call her name. And most of the time, she knows their name too.

Stacey, on the other hand, is quiet. She has friends, for sure. But those friends, she knew them ever since elementary. She hasn't made new ones ever since. Wherever she goes, she'll try to avoid human interaction as much as possible.

She doesn't know how the social butterfly gives her butterflies.

She hates Maloi. Ang daming palawit. Ang daming kulay. Ang ingay.

Not really her vibe.

It gives her the same feeling whenever the jeep she was in had a full blast budots remix on. Or when her alarm goes on. 

It feels as if she's listening sa langitngit ng bintana n’ya tuwing bubuksan or isasara n’ya ito–Or her heartbeat whenever Maloi is around her vicinity.

Whatever it is, it's not her vibe.

Stacey wanted clarity. So she came to her (not so) wise best friend, Jhoanna. Which is also not a wise decision. Because she knows that she will reveal the deepest darkest secret for a donut. But she trusts her. She is loyal. She knows that Jhoanna may not seem like a serious type, but she know when to shut the fuck up and when to speak up. That is if she's in her right headspace.

Her crush on Mary loi is a secret. It was a secret yesterday. She only told Jhoanna and Shadow about it. She's sure that they are the only ones she talked to about it. 

So, why did Maloi approach her so early in the morning? It was only 7:30 am, Stacey doesn't want any bad energy for breakfast. But the bad energy chose her.

“Crush mo raw ako? Nice taste by the way.” Maloi said with a smug face.

Stacey froze for a bit but fast enough to hold her ground. 

“Bitch, hambog. Ang aga aga. Please, ‘wag ka munang mangupal.”

Stacey walked fast, almost running. She needs to save face and get furthest away from Ricalde. Good thing she is the only one who heard what the fuck just came out from Ricalde’s cute peach lips. 

She is pissed. She is sure that Jhoanna is the source. No, Stacey is the source. Jhoanna is just an instrument. It was her fault. But, she's still fucking pissed with Jhoanna. She is sure that it's Jhoanna. Because a cat, Shadow,  can't spread chismis. Shadow doesn't even have a thumb to do that.

Stacey finally found Jhoanna. She is with Sheena laughing like she just didn't ruin her college life. 

“JHOANNA!!” Stacey shouted which startled the two.

Jhoanna on the other hand doesn't know what's happening. She is confused as fuck to why Stacey looks like she's about to slit her throat right there and then. 

“How did Ricalde find out I have a crush on her?”

“Huh?”

“She probably thinks I am head over heels for her. Mind you, Jhoanna, I'm not. I hate her. Alam mo yan. I just had a tiny, TINY, crush on her. I probably hate her more than I liked her. Fuck, I can't breathe.”

“The more you hate, the more you love ika nga nila.” Jhoanna said under her breath. Like she's not in a life and death situation. But, it doesn't go unheard by Stacey.

“Ano? Ako Jhoanna Christine Robles, ubos na ang pasensya ko umaga palang ha. Don't try me right now.” Stacey is restless. She's been walking back and forth, biting her fingernails. She's lost.

“Girl, wait. Calm down ka muna.”

“HOW THE FUCK WILL I CALM DOWN?!”

“How did that information even get out? Eh kay Sheena lang naman ako nadulas about it?”

“The fuck do you mean nadulas?”

“I was gonna vent about Mikha sa’yo. But nag-vent ka about Maloi. So, I figured you have so much on your plate. Kaya kay Sheena ako nag-vent but pati yung gay problem mo na-vent ko rin. UNINTENTIONALLY.”

Explanation will not fix anything. Stacey might find something to blame. But the damage cannot be reversed.

Stacey and Jhoanna both look at Sheena who's clearly entertained with Stacey's misery.

Though, Sheena is loving this. She is not loving that scary look from Stacey. 

“Sheena? What happened?” 

“Okay, before mo ako kitilan, Staks. It wasn't intentional, ok. 

AND IT WAS ALL ON ME. WALANG KASALANAN SI BEBE! So don't come after her!”

“Sheena, I'm literally losing it right now. ‘wag mo nang sagarin.”

Sheena took a deep breath “I told bebe all about it pagkauwi ko kasi I was so excited tapos I didn't know Ate Loi was there sa kitchen so she heard everything.”

“At hindi mo manlang sinabi sa’kin?”

“I told Ate Loi na ‘wag n’yang sabihin sa’yo para walang gulo. She said yes. So why would I tell you? Ang gaga sinabi pa rin pala. Sumbong ko s’ya kay bebe.”

Sheena is aware, fully aware, of her fault here. She really is. But later, when Sheena eats lunch with her beautiful wife. She will tell her all about what's happening right now. Her bebe will surely love a new chismis. Especially if it's about Gwen’s beloved cousin, Maloi.

Stacey released a sigh of defeat. She knows that there is no point in blaming anyone. 

Nothing’s gonna change. So what's a girl to do?

Escape. Run away. Hide. Avoid. 

She can do this. She can avoid Maloi. The world is too big. There are a lot of places she can run and hide. Easy peasy. It's like playing hide and seek with a baby (Maloi is the baby).

WRONG.

She was able to avoid her yesterday, yes. But, another day another woe.

The next day at lunch, Stacey decided to eat at the karenderya she usually eats. She doesn't want to risk seeing Maloi at the cafeteria. What she didn't think through is that she is not the only student who eats here. And it may seem closer to impossible, but it is very possible that Maloi would decide to eat at Aling Hiling’s Karinderya.

She hasn't finished eating her tinola when she sees Maloi. Damn, what a waste of delicious food.

Stacey didn't think twice, she took her bag and jolted out of there. She wasn't even full yet. So Stacey decided to buy some kwek-kwek before going back to campus.

Stacey was on her second kwek-kwek when she heard a very, very, familiar voice.

“Boss, magkano tokwa n’yo?”

“Limang piso stick, neng.”

“Sige, isang stick, boss. Tapos 10 pesos na kikiam.”

Stacey was still holding the stick and the cup. She thinks that this is no coincidence. She thinks that Maloi is following her.

“Sinusundan mo ba ko?”

Maloi finally looked at her.“Iniiwasan mo ba ko?”

“Pansin mo pala tapos sinusundan mo pa ko. Can't get a hint?”

“Bakit ba galit na galit ka sa’kin? May nagawa ba ‘ko sa’yo? Nasaktan ba kita in any way? Ano bang nagawa ko sa’yo?

Stacey can see the hurt in Maloi’s eyes. She might have judged her a bit too hard. Maybe, Maloi isn't that bad…Or so she thought. 

“Dahil ba sobrang ganda ko?” Maloi is now clearly holding a laugh. If it weren't for kuya vendor, Stacey might have pour the sawsawan ng sandok to Maloi.

“Neng, ito na tokwa mo, neng.”

Stacey took a deep breath. All she could do was to roll her eyes and walk away. Wala s'yang mapapala kung makikipagtalo s’ya kay Maloi.

Stacey couldn't believe it. Fuck, Ricalde. Sobrang hambog. Nahamugan siguro ‘to nung bata kaya nagkaganito. 

—

Stacey is still on her operation plan “Takbuhan si Ricalde”

One time Stacey tried going to the different gate of their campus located so far away from their building. But when she was about to go home, Maloi was already there.

The other day she tried hiding at the library, and of course, Ricalde just had to be there.

Yesterday, she just didn't try anymore but still dismisses Ricalde everytime.

Sa liit ni Ricalde, Stacey couldn't figure how she always catches up on her.

Today she got some energy so back to the running game.

“Hanggang kelan mo ako tatakbuhan, Stacey?” Maloi was struggling catching up with long legged Stacey.

Stacey walked fast, almost running, “Until I die.”

Maloi is gasping for air. “Can't you hear me out muna?”

Stacey stopped her track “Tapos ano? Iinisin mo nanaman ako?”

Maloi also paused, heads down and hands on her knees trying to keep herself from falling because of exhaustion “Ilang araw ka ng takbo nang takbo.”

“Ilang araw ka na ring habol nang habol.” Stacey raised an eyebrow “Ikaw ba ang may gusto sa’kin?”

Maloi smiled and finally looked up “Dale mo. Matalino ka naman pala.” Maloi said so casually. Like it doesn't weigh anything. Like it's as light as a feather. 

She said it so natural, so easy. Like how rivers flow, like how the breeze comes in through your window.

Stacey can't register what is happening. 

Her plan was to run away until her crush on Ricalde fades so she can live in peace. 

This is gonna change the whole trajectory of what Stacey is trying to achieve. She has a crush on Yves, for sure. But she hasn't come to terms with it. And she refuses to come to terms with it just yet.

So, instead of acknowledging it. She tries to deny the truth. This can't be real.

“Huwag mo nga akong pagtripan, Ricalde! Kung laro lang ‘to sa’yo, sakin hindi.”

“Anong laro? Kung laro lang ‘to sa’kin, hindi sana ako nakipaghabulan sa’yo ng anim na araw.” Maloi took a deep breath and stood up straight. She looks at Stacey straight in the eyes.

“Anim na araw, Stacey. Anim na araw ka nang tumatakbo palayo. Anim na araw ka na ring tumatakbo sa utak ko. Nakakagago sa totoo lang. Habol naman ako nang habol.

Nung narinig kong may gusto ka rin pala sa’kin, hindi ko sana papansinin. Hahayaan ko sana. Hindi sana kita hahabulin. 

Pero tangina, Stacey. Ang hirap palang magpigil? Pa’no mo kinakaya?”

Maloi looks pissed. It almost scared Stacey.

Truth is, she hasn't also come to terms with her sexuality. This is all so new to her. All of this. So foreign. 

She doesn't hate it. There's nothing wrong with it. She knows it. But she's scared nonetheless. 

Not everyone thinks there's nothing wrong with it. Her friends might have accepted it so casually. Like they have known about it ever since. But what about her mother? What about other people?

Stacey is scared. 

Stacey tried walking out but Maloi is just as fast to grab her arm. “Tatakbo ka nanaman?”

Stacey is also tired of running away. She hates how she needs to be cautious everytime. So, maybe it's time to get it done once and for all.

“I'm scared, ok? Hindi ko alam. Tangina. Bakit kasi sa’yo pa? Nalilito ako. Ewan. 

Yves, I've never liked anyone like how much I liked you. 

Ni hindi ko nga alam na magkakagusto ako sa tao. Lalo pa sa babae.

But here I am,  imagining a life with you.”

Maloi's gaze softened with her grip. This is Stacey. 

She sees how Stacey is struggling to find the right words to say what she wants but fails miserably. 

“Stacey…” is all Maloi can say.

Stacey freed herself from Maloi's grip and faced her properly. 

“So please, Yves. Hayaan mo muna ako. I don't want to involve you in this confusion. 

I'm really grateful that you didn't tell anyone about this. And I want you to continue that. I don't want anyone proclaiming me as an identity that I'm not. 

This is all so new to me. So please. Just give me time.

You are already involved in this. So I guess you should know that.

I'm sorry for running away.”

Maloi took a step closer and reached for Stacey's hand with both of hers. She caresses it like it's the most delicate thing in the world. It's her attempt to comfort Stacey. Her way of telling her that it is fine. She hopes that it reaches Stacey. And if it didn't, she'll let her words do.

“It's ok. Don't say sorry. Apologizing will make what you're feeling right now invalid. 

Stacey, what you're feeling–Feelings for me. Feelings about who you are. Your confusion–It's fine. Walang mali. 

Don't run away anymore. I won't chase you. I'll let you be. Just be ok.” 

And with that Yves let's go of Stacey's hand with a smile. “If you figured it out at ako pa rin. Tumakbo ka sa’kin.

Palapit na. ‘wag nang palayo.”