lullaby and goodnight, thy mother's delight
He was jerked out of his spiral of self-loathing and maudlin introspection by a sudden but gentle shove to his shoulder.
“Earth to Sirius!” came a singsong voice from next to him. Lily Evans greeted him with a smirk on face but kindness in her eyes. “Hilarious.” he muttered, grateful nonetheless for the intervention. He wasn’t surprised when it turned out she was the only other seventh-year Gryffindor who was a Caregiver. At the time it was just another reason James should have been there instead of him.
And yet, he found, she understood him in a way no one else could, finding common ground in family drama and lost friends. Somehow, over the last two years they’d gone from casual acquaintances to each others closest friends.
“Someone’s brooding again,” she teased lightly, raising an eyebrow in silent inquiry. Sirius shrugged it off, “It’s my natural aura. The dark, mysterious attitude is irresistible, you know.” She knew him too well to fall for that, but she also knew him well enough to drop the subject
“Ah, delusional as always. Charming.” Lily grinned at him to lessen the blow of the barb, but before he could respond, the doors opened, and he was distracted by the arrival of his little brother. Regulus didn’t even look at the Gryffindor table as he walked past and sat at his own table.
To anyone else, he would have looked no different than usual, but even from a distance, Sirius noticed the color of his skin was off, shimmering slightly, indicating use of a glamour charm. His concern went up a notch as Regulus ate nothing but one piece of toast before getting up and leaving. Sirius was close to chasing after him to check if everything was alright, damn his pride and everything else. His instincts were screaming that something was incredibly wrong.
Then he smelt something that had him sit up straight. It was incredibly faint but he recognised the smell of a distressed little.
Regulus looked at him and then everything seemed like it was underwater. The sounds around him seemed like they were coming from far away. The mixture of hidden sadness, fear, and anger in those grey eyes caught him off-guard. Those same eyes had once looked at him with nothing but admiration and amazement. He forced himself to stay seated and act like nothing was wrong, flashing a nonchalant grin that didn’t quite reach his eyes.
Still, he didn’t eat anything after that. Nothing like seeing the pain you caused others to put someone off breakfast. He had to at least keep a closer eye on Regulus. Two eyes if he could. Not for the first time he wondered if Mother had started to give Regulus the same treatment she gave him. A chill ran down his spine. Sirius could speak from experience that breaking out of that cycle was near impossible unless there was a willing support system that he didn’t think Regulus had.
Regulus walked out of the Great Hall, emotion clogging his throat. His brother had always worn his emotions on his sleeves, and the sheer concern, grief, and other unidentifiable emotions in his eyes were enough to send him reeling. Regulus walked faster, trying to put distance between them so he didn’t do something stupid like turn around and run to his big brother for comfort.
His eyes were burning, and his vision blurred as tears filled his eyes and spilled over onto his cheeks. He quickly wiped his eyes and took deep gulps of air to try and shake off the weight on his chest. Ducking into the washroom, he splashed cold water on his face. Exhaustion took over his body. Sliding down to the bathroom floor, he buried his face in his knees and pressed his palms hard against his eyes, hard enough to see stars.
He was only feeling this way because he hadn’t slept much in the last few weeks. Emotional dysregulation couldn’t possibly have any other explanation. Giving up on the idea of getting to class, he picked himself up off the floor and headed to the dorm. If he was going to skip class, he might as well try to get some sleep that hopefully would not be interrupted by the nightmares that had become all too common in the last few months.
He collapsed onto his bed, drawing the curtains with a flick of his wand. Blessedly, sleep came quickly, and within a few minutes, he was deep asleep. If only his sleeping hours enabled him to escape the turmoil that followed him through his waking hours. Even the shifting landscapes of his dreams, where reality and fantasy blurred, weren’t safe.
His mother’s voice echoed around his head. Regulus couldn’t make out what she was saying, but one minute it was kind and loving, the next it was hateful. His face twisted, and his breath came in short gasps.
Please. Please, someone help. Sirius, please!
He shot awake in bed, trembling violently. His eyes burned and there was a lump in his throat, and no amount of air lessened the weight pressing down on his chest.
And despite everything he’d been taught, Mother warning over and over again that emotion was a weakness and would be used against him Regulus buried his face in the pillow and sobbed till his eyes ran dry, his throat ached and head throbbed. He cried for his mother, cried for his father and cried for his brother. And yet, as always, he was alone.