Chapter 23
Alec gaped at his teacher, speechless. His limbs seemed to have abandoned their service. He stood motionless and blinked, unable to focus.
“Merlin, I shouldn't have ambushed you like this,” Professor Starkweather shook his head. “But it was about time you knew what happened. I've already warned Maryse several times that the charm would weaken as soon as you came of age. I see that the barrier has now been removed.”
That explained the recurring nightmares that had been plaguing him for several months. Professor Starkweather must have been one of the Aurors his mother had spoken of. Alec at last found the courage to speak. “You were there?”
“Maryse called us as soon as she…” He faltered, as if he had revealed too much. He glanced warily towards the closed door. “I imagine you're quite well informed about what transpired that night.”
“I can't remember much. Not more than a few fragments,” Alec admitted reluctantly. “And I'm sure Isabelle and Jace know even less.”
He took a step forward. “Can you tell me what really happened?”
Professor Starkweathers' grey eyebrows drew together in concern. He hesitated. “I'm not sure if I'm the right person for this. Surely your parents could…” The words hung in the air unfinished. The following silence said more than any explanation. “It would be better if someone else handled this.”
“There's no one else I could ask,” Alec interjected, voice laced with desperation. “You're the only one who can help me. Please, Professor.”
Professor Starkweather's intense gaze lingered on him for a long moment. Then he took a deep breath. “Very well. You have a right to know what took place. This is no conversation for this room. Come to my office with your siblings. I'll make sure you're all excused for the rest of the day.” His lips curled into a thin smile. “And make sure Mr Underhill works on his espionage.” With a flick of his wrist, the heavy door sprang open. “This is truly pathetic.” Andrew stumbled forward, surprised, and only just managed to grab hold of the door frame before his face hit the floor. He didn't even have the decency to blush when he was discovered. Alec should have known better.
With a shooing hand movement, his teacher maneuvered him out of the classroom. “Don't expect too much, Mr Lightwood.” He shot Andrew a scolding look and locked the door behind him. “You know where to find me.”
The metallic click of the lock snapped Alec out of his trance. He studied Underhill thoughtfully, who was now standing with his back against the wall. “Eavesdropping is usually considered rude, you know?”
Andrew just shrugged. “As if I would leave you alone in this state. Who knows what he was planning to do to you.”
“It's not like Professor Starkweather is a serial killer,” Alec replied and massaged his temples wearily. Why did his life have to be so damn complicated? “Could you possibly forget what you just heard and never bring it up again?”
“You never know.” Andrew's lips were pressed into a hard line. “And you can absolutely forget about that. I'm not going to stand by and watch you slowly kill yourself.” Alec winced at his harsh words. “You've been chugging potions like they're pumpkin juice and believe me, I've noticed you sneaking off to the Quidditch pitch at the crack of dawn. You're miserable and you won't even talk to me about what happened. And then you get engaged to a woman you've only met once. We both know you would never have agreed to this in the past. So either you've overhauled your entire personality in two weeks or you didn't have a choice. I gave you time, but you're just too stubborn to admit that you need help.” Andrew stepped closer to him. His anger gave way to a more tangible sense of despair. “Please talk to me, Alec. They've hurt you, haven't they?”
The walls of the empty corridor were closing in on Alec. He couldn't lie to his best friend, but could he tell the truth? Andrew bridged the distance between them and wrapped his arms around him. The hug carried all his fears, his worry and his growing mistrust. “I don't want to lose you,” he whispered, his head leaning on Alec's collarbone. Andrew's blond curls barely brushed Alec's chin. Suddenly, he seemed much smaller than usual. “Promise me I won't lose you.”
Alec swallowed hard. “I can't. I'm sorry.” He had to force himself not to break. He couldn't look Andrew in the eye.
“Alec,” Andrew pleaded. “No matter what's happened, there's always a way. I promise you, we'll fix it. But I need to know what we're up against. Trust me.”
“Believe me, there is no other way,” Alec replied with resignation. “I have no other choice.”
“Then at least tell me what happened. Maybe I can think of something,” Andrew insisted.
“Not a word of this to anyone, not even Jace and Izzy.”
Now that he had the opportunity, he couldn't help but share his burden. He knew he could trust Andrew. “After the Christmas party…” He tried to find the right words. A shiver ran down his spine as he recalled the events of that night. “Right after I arrived, my father made it very clear to me how he feels about my relationship with Magnus. I shouldn't have talked back to him, but he threatened him and I... I should have known better.” It felt liberating to finally let go.
“At the Christmas party, they tried to set me up with Lydia. I'm not exactly sure what happened after that. The drink mother gave me must have been laced with Veritaserum.” He laughed harshly. “What I said to them...Merlin, that was... I provoked them.” Andrew's grip tightened, the tension showing clearly in his posture. Alec decided to just get it over with. “Cruciatus,” he murmured, ashamed. It felt so humiliating to admit what his mother had done. To admit how much it affected him. “I still have nightmares because of it.”
A choked sound escaped Andrew's throat. He lifted his head, raw fury in his blue-grey eyes. “I'm...I'm sorry, Alec. I don't even know what to say.” Alec had never seen him so distraught. “This is torture. If you think for one second that this is acceptable behaviour... No matter what you've done or said, you don't deserve this. Nobody does. You can't go back there, it's too dangerous.”
“I don't think I have a choice.” Alec allowed himself to savour the feeling of their closeness and warmth for a moment. “If not me, then Jace or Isabelle.”
“Alec, you can't keep sacrificing yourself for everyone else.” Andrew stared at him intently. “I know you mean well. But this isn't an unforgivable curse that gets you locked up in Azkaban for life just for the sake of it. You can't help anyone if you're dead.”
“I can't discuss this with you right now,” Alec replied defensively. “I have to find Jace and Izzy. Professor Starkweather is probably already waiting for us.” There was no point in trying to change a hopeless situation. The mouse was stuck in the glue trap no matter how much it squirmed. No matter how much it wished it weren't so.
“Alec-” Underhill started. He grabbed Alec's wrist.
“Later. I have something to take care of.” Alec extracted his wrist from Underhill's grasp and moved to turn away before the words had rung out.
*****
Three chairs were neatly aligned in front of the large oak desk. Two of them had apparently been hastily relocated from one of the classrooms. Only the one in the middle was part of the elegant set that furnished the rest of the small room. The fading afternoon sun painted golden stripes on the rough stone of the windowsill. Alec could see the foothills of the forbidden forest through the glass.
Professor Starkweather was bent over the sideboard, concentrating on heating the water in the teacups with his wand. “I hope you like Earl Grey. Unfortunately, I can't offer anything else.” He cleared his throat, perhaps to break the uncomfortable silence. “Please, do sit down.”
Jace shot his big brother a questioning glance. “Are you finally going to tell us what's going on?” he hissed. “I'm supposed to be at Quidditch training in a few minutes.”
“And I'm supposed to be at the library with Simon,” Isabelle agreed.
Alec sighed deeply and took a seat without hesitation. His fingers dug into the wooden armrest with painful intensity. "Please just trust me."
Professor Starkweather shifted his desk chair and propped his elbow on the tabletop. In the fading daylight, the wrinkles around his grey eyes appeared deeper than usual. “I'm still not sure whether I'm the right person to talk to you about this,” he began hesitantly.
“Talk about what?” Isabelle tapped her red-polished nails impatiently on the floral saucer.
“Does the name Max Lightwood sound familiar to you?” Professor Starkweather asked with unusual gentleness. Alec had hoped that it would be easier to face the name of his brother. He had not yet grown accustomed to the painful tug at his chest. It would likely never become more bearable. Not when he had been deprived of so many years to process his grief.
While Jace gave the teacher a somewhat bewildered look, Isabelle's face turned deathly pale. Alec reached for her hand and squeezed it. Her skin felt warm in his numb fingers. He still knew exactly how it felt to pick up on the echo of a subtle horror, but not the memory itself. After all, he had gone through a similar experience just a few weeks ago.
“Max was the youngest son of Robert and Maryse, your little brother. A decade ago, there was an incident that led to his death.” He nodded to Alec. “Mr Lightwood was present at the time. To protect him, your parents decided to seal all memories of him. Since he has been of age for some time, the spell has slowly begun to lift."
“You're joking, right?” Isabelle exclaimed, stunned. Alec knew the wet gleam in her eyes all too well. She tried to hold back her tears. “Why would they do that?”
“It was for your own good,” Professor Starkweather assured him. Alec wondered if he was trying to convince himself with those words. “Your parents only wanted to protect you. You were too young to understand the situation. Especially at an early age, trauma can have a negative impact on development. It's certainly not the most elegant solution, but now you are much better equipped to deal with your memories.”
“But why are you only telling us this now? And how do you even know what happened?” Jace now intervened, determined to pry more out of Professor Starkweather. “And why can't I remember Max?”
Professor Starkweather adjusted his glasses and gave Jace a strange smile. “One question at a time, my boy.” He folded his hands in an almost reverent manner. “As I said, Mr Lightwood,” he tilted his head in Alec's direction, “asked me to share my knowledge with you. You could say I have a certain personal connection to this case. I am the one who was entrusted with removing your memories. Especially with children, this requires a great deal of finesse. Before I took up my position at Hogwarts, I worked as an auror in the Ministry.”
“Can I get my memories back now?” Isabelle blurted out. She still hadn't let go of Alec's hand. “Or do I have to wait until I come of age?”
“Well,” Professor Starkweather frowned. “You'll have to discuss it with your parents, I'm fear. I think it would be best if they were to remove the barrier. It worked well for Mr Lightwood, after all. It's safest in a comfortable and familiar environment. Stress can be extremely dangerous; after all, the brain is a very complicated organism. No risks should be taken when dealing with memories. The probability of mistakes or accidental manipulation is far too great in an unknown environment. After that, it is important to guarantee rest and as little sensory input as possible to avoid unwanted side effects. It is quite normal for the memories to return only gradually. A simple protective mechanism of your brain, so nothing to worry about.”
Alec had to stop himself from bursting out laughing. Comfortable and familiar environment? This had to be a bad joke. It seemed as if his parents had done the exact opposite of what his teacher had recommended. He should probably count himself lucky that they hadn't damaged his nervous system.
“And what about me? Did you remove my memories of Max too?”, Jace asked impatiently.
Hodge shook his head firmly. “That wasn't necessary, since you weren't living with the Lightwoods at the time.”
“I...I didn't live with the Lightwoods?”Jace repeated in a sceptical tone. His eyelids flickered over his golden eyes for a moment. “That's right, I was only adopted later.” It seemed to be difficult for him to recall the information. It had taken Alec a similar amount of time to remember that Jace hadn't always been part of their family. Only now did he realise that he could hardly remember the first days and weeks after Jace's arrival. These memories seemed to have been affected by the magical barrier as well. It took a great deal of mental effort for Alec to conjure up the image of the blond boy with the huge tooth gap.
“I think it would be best if I started from the beginning. Then perhaps you'll begin to understand the circumstances,” Professor Starkweather explained. He took a long gulp from his teacup before continuing. “The political situation a decade ago was a lot more unstable than it is now. Problems in the administration led to the Ministry losing more and more influence. Financial resources were stretched thin, especially in magical law enforcement. I knew your parents back from my time at Hogwarts, and even then I admired that they tried to make a real difference. Their generous donations are one of the reasons why the Ministry is in a much better position now.”
Alec suppressed a bitter laugh. No one could get past the Lightwoods if they wanted to gain a foothold in the British political scene. It was a precarious position of power, maintained by shaking hands in back rooms and obtrusive sums in Gringotts vaults. His parents did not officially hold a high position in the Ministry, and yet many important people frequented their home. But there was more calculation behind this decision than was immediately apparent. A senior political position of this kind entailed official duties and statutory checks on power. Robert Lightwood, however, wielded his power like a puppeteer pulling his strings from the shadows. Of course, that didn't stop his parents from broadcasting their views to the world. And they found quite a few supporters.
Professor Starkweather's eyes settled on Alec. “We were deployed in the dead of night: Stephen and Celine Herondale, Valentine Morgenstern and myself. It was a highly confidential mission that required the utmost discretion.”
“Morgenstern, as in Professor Morgenstern?” Isabelle interrupted him incredulously. She sat bolt upright in her chair, her spine straight, a palm's width from the backrest. Alec knew that she was only holding back her terror through sheer willpower.
Stephen and Celine Herondale... As in Imogen Herondale?
Professor Starkweather smirked. ‘“The very same. One wouldn't necessarily expect it, but he was one of the best in his field. But this must remain between us. I trust that nothing I tell you will leave this room.” After a nod of agreement from everyone present, he continued. “Robert Lightwood contacted the Ministry that night to report the death of his youngest son. The one responsible was still on the run.”
Jace drew in a sharp breath and turned pale. “The one responsible?”
“An assassin known as Edom.” Alec winced, even though he had already suspected what was coming. Professor Starkweather skilfully avoided mentioning the man's true identity. Asmodeus Bane: Magnus's father. “I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to tell you any details about him. But don't worry, he was caught and has been in Azkaban for a decade. So you have nothing to worry about.”
“But why would anyone do such a thing?” Isabelle asked, visibly disturbed. “It makes no sense at all. What would be the point?” Alec had already asked himself the same question. He had the strong feeling that his parents had been keeping something from him. Professor Starkweather clearly didn't intend to share the whole truth with them.
“That's more of a philosophical question, Ms Lightwood.” Professor Starkweather gave her a sad smile. “Why do people decide to carry out unspeakable acts? Unfortunately, I don't know the answer. But sometimes it's better not to try to answer the why. If you do, you might lose yourself. I myself spent far too long wondering if I should have done things differently that night.”
“What do you mean, do differently?” This time it was Alec who spoke his mind.
“I've already explained to you that I was in charge of dealing with the situation at the scene. I was the one who had renewed the protective spells on your parents’ house a few weeks prior. They trusted me.” He paused, guilt written all over his face. Deep wrinkles appeared around the corners of his mouth. “I still don't know how he got past them. But that doesn't matter now.” Professor Starkweather cleared his throat in a desperate attempt to regain his composure. “Valentine, Stephen and Celine resumed the pursuit while I stayed behind. No one could have foreseen…” He shook his head in helpless despair. “It was utter carnage. Stephen and Celine – it was over before they even knew what struck them. Valentine finally managed to overpower Edom, but there was nothing he could do for the others. It was an absolute disaster. Stephen was the only heir of our Minister of Magic. Everyone involved received an immediate discharge soon after. He and his wife, dead in the span of a single night. Two of the most talented Aurors of their time. And, of course, they left behind a son."
“Me…” Jace breathed, realisation flashing in his golden eyes. He reached out for Alec's hand, seeking something to hold on to. Without hesitation, he clasped their fingers together.
“I'm sorry, we were forced to restrict your memories. It was for your own safety. You were too young to understand the gravity of the situation. The Lightwoods could offer you the safe family environment that you had lost. Your grandmother thought it best to give you a carefree childhood.” Professor Starkweather rose slowly, his hands on the tabletop. Exhausted, he slumped forward. “And now I must ask you to give me some time. I have a mountain of essays to correct.”
*****
“What the hell...’ Isabelle paced up and down the empty corridor.
“I don't even know where to start with this. It's just absurd.”
“I don't understand why they would keep something like this secret from us for years,”Jace agreed with her. He leaned against the stone wall opposite Alec, golden eyes flashing in outrage.
“Because it was convenient, that's why,” Alec interjected wearily. His mind was still swimming with the new information he had received from Professor Starkweather, the implications of how his memories would affect his future. “We could all have used some professional counselling or at least the support of our family. But of course, if you can just erase your kids’ memories, you don't have to deal with that problem.” He was aware of how bitter he sounded. “I thought it couldn't get any worse, but apparently I was wrong. I don't even know why I was ever willing to sacrifice so much for this family.”
“Alec—” Isabelle started.
“It was never about protecting us, Iz.” Alec couldn't help but let out a sneer. “I don't even know who I am anymore. Who knows if this was the only time? Maybe I can't really trust any of my memories. The same goes for you guys.”
“Even if you're right, none of this is getting us anywhere.” Isabelle let out a frustrated sigh and stopped in front of her brothers. “There has to be something we can do now. Something doesn't feel right about this. I can't shake the feeling that there is still a lot we don't know.” So she had noticed it too.
“I can't imagine that Robert and Maryse will help us much,” Jace pointed out. “Merlin, I feel so helpless. I barely remember my own parents. The Minister of Magic is my damn grandmother and I had no idea. I didn't even miss her until now.”
“They certainly won't do it willingly, that's for sure,” Alec agreed. “If we want to find out what really happened, we'll have to beat them at their own game. And we can only do that if they don't suspect anything.”
“Is that why you decided to get engaged to Lydia?” Isabelle's eyes flashed with a mixture of anger and despair.
“No…” Alec faltered, having to force himself to continue speaking. “I don't think I have a choice, Iz. I wish I did. But I can't protect you if I don't do this.”
“Alec, we never asked you for this. No one is expecting you to give up your own dreams for us. We can take care of ourselves.” The deep conviction in Jace's voice almost broke Alec's heart.
“You have no idea.” Alec sighed deeply. The dull pain behind his temples suggested that a headache was imminent. “I've tried to shield most of you from it, but it's never been as bad as... Anyway, it's too much of a risk for you if I don't marry Lydia. Our parents have made it very clear that they won't tolerate a relationship between Magnus and me. It looks like it's coming to that.”
“Do you think we want you to be miserable for the rest of your life because of us? The more power you give them over your life, the more control they'll have over you,” Isabelle objected, her voice quivering with suppressed anger. “You won't always be there to protect us.”
“That's exactly what I'm afraid of,” Alec admitted quietly. He was willing to take on all the pain in the world to guarantee Isabelle and Jace's safety. The thought that he might be too late some day chilled him to the bone. Who was he if he couldn't protect anyone?
“Alec, you can't do that. We won't just stand by and watch you sacrifice your future for us. Have you ever thought about how we feel about it?” Jace tried again.
“I can and I will.” Alec would stand up to his siblings. He clenched his hands into fists. Why had this conversation sidetracked to him again? “If not me, then one of you. Don't think that our parents will be particularly impressed by Simon. Clary has much better prospects, but can't offer the political alliances that mother and father want. Lydia is no more interested in me than I am in her. It could be a lot worse and it doesn't have to be forever.”
“Oh, Alec.” Isabelle finally seemed to understand how bleak the situation seemed to him. “We'll find a solution. I promise you that. Even if it's difficult, we're here for you.”
“That's the best solution, Iz. Magnus will have it a lot easier without me. It's better this way.” Alec tried not to think of Magnus's face after he hurled the bracelet at him. But Alec deserved his fury for the way he had treated him. Magnus would no doubt find someone who could make him happy soon.
“I think we're going around in circles here.” Jace groaned wearily. Even though he appeared calm on the outside, Alec knew that Jace was struggling with himself. The curve of his shoulders, the furrow on his brow: Jace was trying to be strong for him. “Whatever you decide, I'll have your back, Alec. Whatever you need.”
Isabelle shot Jace an incredulous look. “You can't possibly support him in throwing his life away,” she hissed angrily.
Jace folded his arms across his chest and raised his chin. “Alec has to decide for himself what's best for him. I may not agree with him, but we both know he's damn stubborn. I trust him.”
“What's that supposed to mean?” Isabelle asked, her voice dangerously slow.
Alec raised his hands defensively. “Please don't fight. Not today. We can discuss this later. Right now we have to think about what we can do.”
Isabelle glared at her brothers in annoyance but remained silent for the time being.
“At least until you come of age, we have to be very careful. It's only a few weeks for Jace, but a lot can happen between now and May.” Alec ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. “And even if we are legally independent, we shouldn't underestimate their influence. There are just too many factors that we don't know about. And I want to find out what really happened that night. Something is not right. We owe it to Max.”
“I have a feeling you're not telling us everything.” Jace took a step forward so that he could meet his brother's gaze. “How exactly did you get your memories back? What happened after that?”
“The parts I can remember are still only fragments. But maybe that's because it happened such a long time ago.” Alec took a deep breath. He knew he had to share at least some of this information with his siblings. That didn't make it any easier to get the words over his lips. “They wanted to convince me that Magnus was no good for me. Because his father... his father... Asmodeus Bane is Edom.”
Isabelle let out a gasp of disbelief. Jace appeared to be just as distraught as his sister.
“Father accused Magnus of trying to finish his father's work. And I just - I lost control. I told them they were responsible for Max's death.” Alec closed his eyes for a moment, finding the memory of that night difficult to bear. “I've never seen her so angry. At the time, I didn't notice it, but now their reaction seems odd to me.” After all, an unforgivable curse was not part of the normal conversational repertoire. “I think there's more to it than baseless guilt. I... I think they had something to do with his death, more than they're willing to admit.”
“Alec, you don't think that they…” Isabelle's implication hung heavily in the air.
He sighed deeply. ”I don't know, Iz. I don't know anything anymore. But we need more information and I think we should get it from the source.” He let out a dry laugh. “I'd be very interested to hear what Asmodeus Bane has to say about that night.” His stomach clenched painfully. If confronting Max's murderer was what it took to find the truth, he would do it.
“And how exactly do you plan on doing that? It's not like we can just waltz into Azkaban.” Jace raised an eyebrow. “The dementors certainly won't invite us in for a cup of tea.”
Finally, Alec allowed himself a small smile. “I'm confident that fully-trained Aurors shouldn't have a problem with that.”
“Did you just suggest infiltrating the Ministry to break into Azkaban?” Jace asked in confusion. “You do know that's completely insane, right?”
Alec had let them control him for too long – his fears, his parents. But if they thought they could keep the truth from him forever, then they didn't know him at all.
“Breaking in? I think the regulations would allow for some leeway on that point,” Alec replied, feeling a flicker of hope for the first time in weeks. “Maybe bend the truth a little to gain access.”
“This from the person who cursed our presents so we couldn't open them before Christmas,” Isabelle murmured. “I'm not sure that's a good idea, Alec.”
“I have to know what happened. Our parents won't give me the answer, which leaves me with no choice. Maybe there are old files in the Ministry that can help us. You won't be able to stop me.” Alec was determined to find out what had happened to his little brother. Whatever the cost. Even if he had to spend years of his life on it.
“In that case, I certainly won't let you do it alone,” Jace declared immediately. His tone didn't allow for any objection. A wry grin stole onto his face. “I still can't believe that's your plan.”
“And I don't either.” Isabelle nodded grimly.
“All right,” Alec conceded after a moment of silence. It would be very helpful to have his siblings with him. “Three go in, three come out.”