I'd never really been to the country.
All my life was spent in penthouse suites overlooking a city of subjects. Now, with those cities smoking in uncontrolled fire, bombs, and war, mountains and forests become my refuge. As well as my enemies. You can't talk the dirt into fertilizing, or windstorms to sunshine. You can only do what nature permits.
So I do. The smells and sights, leave me beffudled—and excited. Freedom only ever entailed the hazy senses of a dream well dreamed. But I am here now. I can feel like it.
Even with these motivating emotions, surviving by yourself is difficult. Every little need is attended to by me and only me. Months of my own routine have lightened the work load by far, and for this opportunity of life I'm gratefull... but I'm lonely, too.
In the past, being alone in the world was control. I had no siblings, no tight friends, no lovers. Just a cage. And an animal warring to escape. This place, this opportunity, should've fulfilled me. And for the first 6 months, it has. But the near filled cavern inside is widening again, and I'm unsure how to fix it, unsure of my desicions and feelings, just as I was unsure whether or not to leave Mother and Father behind. I'm back drifting.
It changed First Winter; I found a young woman sitting slouched against my crooked cedar doorway. There was a nasty bullet hole in her side, an emotionally dead expression on, what I eventually learned to be, a beautiful face. I took her inside.
Now she lays behind me, this autumn, 2 years later. Her strong arms are wrapped around my naked waist, face tucked in the nape of my neck. Diana wanted to be the big spoon tonight. I'm surprised she remembered after I made her come 3 times.
It was a stupid, illogical move, to help this stranger. Her entire family was drowned in some recent Lakelander attack, and she planned to die in battle as soon as possible.
I asked why. Why keep going? Why lay on this splintering table, why let me dig metal from you 'till you puke and scream and cry?
She said its what someone would've wanted her to do.
That someone is dead.
I'm the replacement.
Diana tells me, late night after early dawn, that I could never replace anyone, nor be replaced myself. That we were different, and she loves me for it. Her legs entangled with mine, we're always touching. Always comforting. Always depending.
I am in love.