Regulus had a life that some would call unworthy. Most would say he didn’t deserve it. Others would say it was a miracle James came into his life when he did.
Regulus didn’t have many good things in his life. Everything that was good never stayed around for long. It was almost like a game- when would the light in his life finally leave?
James was the one thing that hadn’t left yet. Nothing else was constant in his life, but James was. James was the only reason he was even still alive and breathing. If James ever left, Regulus would have no reason to carry on.
They would love each other until their last breath. They would love each other until they were simply food for the worms to eat. Their bodies would become one with the earth, still intertwined in each other even then.
That’s why when Regulus is given his next mission from the Dark Lord, he freezes. The breath is taken away from him. He forgets how to inhale or exhale. He stands in place, hands suddenly becoming shaky.
“You must kill James Potter.”
The words echoed in his brain. His mind was reeling. The room suddenly felt like it was spinning. He couldn’t get enough air.
“Yes, my lord.” Regulus says, trying to keep the shakiness out of his voice. This couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be real.
James knew about Regulus being a Death Eater. He knew that Regulus’ mother forced him into it. He knew that Regulus was doing it to protect them. He knew all of this, and he still stayed with him. He loved him despite everything.
And now Regulus had to kill him.
He gets dismissed, and he practically bolts out of that room. He needed air. He needed to breathe. He needed to get away.
Barty must have noticed Regulus was panicking, because he follows swiftly behind him. “Reg? You’re pale. Breathe.”
Regulus swiftly exits the building, turning around to the side. His back hits the wall as his hands move to his hair. His breath was shaky. In fact, his entire body was shaking.
Barty was right behind him. He turns the corner, standing in front of Regulus. “Reg, look at me. Breathe, okay?”
Regulus reluctantly opens his eyes, looking at the concerned look on Barty’s face. Everything hurt. Nothing made sense. This couldn’t be real. It had to be a dream, right? That’s all it was. None of this could be real. It just couldn’t.
“Regulus, you need to breathe.” He knew Barty wouldn’t stop persisting until he calmed down, but that felt almost impossible at this moment. It felt impossible because this wasn’t a dream. It was real. Regulus has to kill James. He has to kill the love of his life.
“I can’t do it,” He chokes out, eyes burning as tears start to well in his eyes. “I can’t kill him.”
“You have to.” Barty whispers, and Regulus knows he is right. He has to kill James. If he doesn’t, everyone else will die. He has to, even though he wants to kill himself instead.
The tears start to fall. They stream down his face, making him only shake more. Nothing about this was okay. This wasn’t how their story was supposed to go. They were supposed to grow old together. They were supposed to live in a house out in the country, away from people. Away from wandering eyes. They were supposed to make it out of this war. They were supposed to be happy.
And now that future was stripped away from them. They were always destined to be tragic- it was written in the stars. They were always meant to be this way, but both of them ignored the warning signs. They ignored everything the universe told them. They wanted each other, and that was supposed to be enough to beat the odds. To change their cruel fate.
“I can’t kill him Barty. I can’t do it. I love him. I love him with every fiber of my body. I can’t kill him.” Regulus was sobbing at this point. He slides down to the floor, shaking uncontrollably. The ground was hard and cold, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care.
Barty follows him down, hands now on Regulus’ shoulders. “I know, I know. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” And really, what else was he supposed to say? Nothing could make this better, Regulus knew that. It didn’t matter what Barty said, nothing could change their tragic fate. The fate that was always hanging in the stars, waiting for the perfect moment to finally come and ruin everything.
It hurt to breathe. Regulus’ chest felt like his airway had been cut off. Everything hurt. It was like he had ripped in two. Nothing was okay. He was breaking, and he couldn’t stop. He just kept gasping for air, trying to get past the crushing weight that was keeping him from breathing.
“I know it’s hard, I know you don’t want to, I know you would rather die, but you need to breathe. Breathe for me, okay?” Barty was trying so hard to be gentle. He wasn’t gentle- no, that wasn’t how Barty was- but he tried to be. He once said that he wished he was gentle. He never knew what being gentle was. All he had ever known was the roughness of his father’s hands. That was until he met Evan. Evan was gentle. Barty tried to learn how to be gentle, but he never seemed to be able to.
Barty wanted to be gentle. He didn’t want to be like his father. He once told Regulus, while drunk, of course, that he hated being like him. He hated looking like his father, he hated how much his father influenced his behaviors, he hated everything that had to do with his father.
He admitted one night that he wished his mother had been alive for longer. Just a couple more years, just so Barty had a way to remember what gentleness was. He knew his mother had been gentle. He had seen pictures of her holding him when he was a baby. He knew she was gentle. He just wished that she stayed around long enough to teach Barty how to be gentle as well.
Barty tried to be gentle, especially during times like these. On the rare occasions when he was the mentally stable one, he tried his hardest to be gentle. Regulus admired that about Barty. He admired how he could push away everything he had ever known, just to help the people he cares about. That was something not everyone could do, but Barty could. He learned that from Evan.
Barty pulls Regulus into his arms. He never really knew what to do, but he knew that Evan always hugged him, so that’s what he did to help people. Anytime he was comforting Regulus, he would hug him. That’s what Evan taught him to do.
Now, Regulus normally hated touch. In fact, he wanted nothing to do with it on the average day. He avoided it like the plague. When he was upset, though, it was all he wanted. He wanted to be held, he wanted to be comforted.
It was what Sirius always did.
So Regulus lets Barty hug him. He lets Barty bring him close. He lets himself listen to Barty’s steady heartbeat. He lets himself try to match it.
Barty’s hand slowly moves to Regulus’ hair, softly combing through the waves. He knew that Regulus liked it when he did that.
“That’s it. Just keep breathing. You’re alright.” Regulus knew Barty was trying so hard to be gentle. He knew that Barty wasn’t familiar with being gentle, but he also knew that he wanted to be. Sometimes, wanting to do it was all it took.
Regulus let himself be held. He let himself accept the touch. He let himself have this, because everything was about to go to absolute shit.
“I don’t want to kill him.” Regulus whispers, body still tense, despite breathing better now. Nothing about this was fair. Nothing would ever be fair. Not in Regulus’ life. He was always destined to be broken, to be just out of reach from finding peace. Every time something was going good for him, it was immediately stripped away. Regulus has never had anything good before, so why would he now?
“You have to.” Barty replies, speaking just as quietly. He was holding Regulus against his chest still. He would keep holding him until Regulus decided to stand up. It didn’t matter how long they sat on the cold, hard ground. He would stay with Regulus until he was ready to get up and brace the hardship that was this cruel world.
They were always going to be fucked up. They were always going to be tragic. They were always going to be a complete mess. It didn’t matter what universe it was, James Potter and Regulus Black were always destined to end horribly.
They were stupid to think they could rewrite their story.
~
Regulus was pretty sure the most fucked up part about this entire situation was that he couldn’t decide between telling James what he had to do, or just surprising him. In the end, he decided not to tell him. He was pretty sure it would be much harder to tell him, in the end.
He splashes the cold water on his face, staring at his reflection in the mirror. All he saw staring back was a colder version of himself. A monster. A mistake.
He had to kill James. His Jamie. The love of his life.
The reflection staring back at him was a more hollow version of himself. The simple thought of not having James was too much to bear. He didn’t want to live without him. The world was messed up and cruel. So, so fucking cruel. They deserved a happy ending. After everything, all they wanted was a happy ending.
Regulus’ hands never stopped shaking. Even now, in the solitude he was in, they were still shaking. James was waiting for him just outside of the door. He was waiting for Regulus to come out so he could hold him in his arms. James was always so patient. He would wait for Regulus for as long as it takes. Even if it takes years, he would wait. It didn’t matter how scared or reluctant Regulus was, James would still wait. He would wait for Regulus to be ready.
Regulus locks eyes with the monster staring back at him. The mistake in the mirror. His reflection.
The thing he had to do hurt. It was wrong. No one should have to do this to the person they love. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair.
He did this to himself. He could have run away. He could have refused to get the mark. He could have gone to James- hell even Sirius- and asked for help. There was no one to blame but himself.
He takes a shaky breath, closing his eyes. He had to act fine. He had to be fine. James was outside of that door waiting for him. He had to act like nothing was wrong.
Realistically, Regulus never should have thought that James wouldn’t pick up on his demeanor. James always knew what Regulus was feeling. He should have known that James would notice the thoughts consuming Regulus’ mind right away.
As soon as Regulus walks through the door, James’ eyes are on him. They always are. They shine like the sun. He shines like the sun.
Regulus can see the slight concern that slowly appears on his partner’s face. He can see the moment James picks up on the change in Regulus’ thoughts.
“Reg? Is something wrong?” James asks, walking up to Regulus and placing his hands on his shoulders. James’ hands were always so firm, yet gentle at the same time. Regulus never wants James to stop touching him.
All Regulus can do is shake his head. He’s afraid that if he talks, he will say the wrong thing. He is afraid that he will immediately let it slip that he has to kill James. James can’t know. He just can’t.
“Love, I know something is bothering you. Talk to me? Please?” James’ eyes naturally get wider, just like they always do when he tries to pry something out of Regulus. It is extremely hard for Regulus to resist the urge to just crumple into James’ arms as he sobs and tells him everything.
“Long day,” he mumbles, letting himself fall into James’ embrace. James was always so warm. It was impossible to not fold immediately when James offered to hug him. “Can we just go to bed?”
“Of course, love,” James replies, kissing the top of Regulus’ head softly. “Come on.”
And that was just the kind of person that James was. He wouldn’t press too much if Regulus really wasn’t up for it. If he could tell that Regulus just couldn’t speak, he would hold him in silence until he could. He would sit with him until he either reached his breaking point and started crying uncontrollably, or until he felt better enough to function again.
Regulus was just so, so tired from the events that had unfolded. All he wanted was to lay down with James. It hurt to move. It hurt to talk. No matter what he did, it hurt. He didn’t want to speak, he just wanted to lay down in James’ arms.
James pulls him down onto the bed, holding him gently. Regulus let himself be moved around. He didn’t have the energy to move anymore. All he wanted to do was lay on James’ chest and listen to his heartbeat. He just wanted to feel a sense of comfort again- a feeling of normality. Not the lingering dread that crept into every crack in his broken body. Not worrying about the inevitable tragedy that they were about to become.
Regulus finds his way to James’ chest easily. It was muscle memory. His body just knew where James’ heart was, no matter how out of it he was. He would always find James.
“It’s gonna be okay. Whatever is wrong, it will be okay. I’m here, and I always will be. We will fix it, I promise.” James says, and Regulus breaks.
He is suddenly sobbing, practically gasping for air. He can’t breathe because it’s not fair. It’s not fucking fair. James has no idea. He has no idea that it isn’t going to be okay. He wasn’t always going to be here. There was no fixing this. Nothing could make this better. Especially when it was James who was going to be gone. James had no idea, and Regulus just sobs.
“Hey, sh, it’s okay, it will be okay.” James pulls Regulus closer, sitting up in the bed. Regulus couldn’t stop shaking or crying. He was barely taking in any air. He doesn’t think he wants to. Maybe it would be better if he just died now. Then James could keep going. James could find someone new, someone better than Regulus ever was. He could settle down and have the life he always wanted. James could live, and Regulus could die.
Regulus doesn’t think he will ever get enough air. Not anymore. Not when he was drowning. He was drowning in his grief over someone who wasn’t even dead yet. He was drowning in his guilt. He was drowning in his poor decisions. He was drowning, and there was no surface. Nowhere to go. The only direction he could go was farther down. The only thing he could do was keep drowning. James wouldn’t be there to pull him out of the tarp-covered water he was stuck in. James wouldn’t be there to resurrect him. James wouldn’t be there to hold him until it was all better. There would be no more James and Regulus, just a drowning Regulus and a dead James.
Regulus just clings to James while he still can. He presses his head to James’ chest, trying to focus on the heartbeat. Trying to follow it. He wants to stop the aching in his chest, even if only for a moment. He wants to know peace. He knows it won’t last, but he would give anything for a brief moment of relief from the crushing weight that is pulling him farther under the water. Even if it is simply a moment of false hope, and he is pulled right back down once again, at least he was able to feel the warmth that consumes James one final time.
“I’ve got you, love. I’m not going anywhere. I won’t leave you. You have me, all of me. Just breathe for me.” His voice was so fucking soft, and Regulus just cried harder. It wasn’t fair. Why did it have to be them? Why couldn’t it have been anyone else? They didn’t deserve this. They were supposed to be happy. They were supposed to make it out. They were supposed to live together. They were supposed to adopt kids. After everything, they deserved it. Regulus just wanted a happy ending.
If only James knew that he was oh so wrong with his words. He was going to die. He was going to leave Regulus, and it would be by Regulus’ hand. Regulus had to be the one to kill him. James was going to leave. There was no stopping the inevitable. Regulus had to kill him.
James just holds Regulus until he finally stops violently sobbing. He holds Regulus until he can breathe again. He just keeps him in his hold, never letting go or faltering. Regulus ended up falling asleep, still clinging to James in his unconscious state. James’ grip never leaves. He holds Regulus until the sun rises over the horizon, and even then, he is still holding him.
Regulus wakes to the sky painted in orange and red. It was the prettiest sunrise he had ever seen. As soon as Regulus lifts his head, James stirs. His eyes flutter open, and the first thing he looks at is Regulus. It was always Regulus.
James’ face was glowing from the light. He looked so beautiful like this. His eyes were still half closed with sleep. The moment James’ eyes find Regulus’ face, he smiles. It’s a soft smile, one of contentment. Regulus could stay like this forever. He wanted to. He wanted to keep James by him all of the time. He wanted to never let go.
Regulus decides he can play pretend for a while. He can pretend everything is fine. He can pretend that they have a happy ending. He can pretend because they deserve at least a bit of happiness, don’t they? After everything, the least Regulus could do was pretend for a bit. Pretend that everything was fine. Pretend that he didn’t have to kill James. Pretend that they had a life past the end of the week.
Friday would be here all too fast, and Regulus wanted to make every single moment count. It was what they deserved. All he wanted was one good week. One final week where everything was good. He wouldn’t think about the fate that awaited them. He wouldn’t think about what he had to do. He wouldn’t think about the plan he came up with in his head while James was asleep. He wouldn’t think about any of that.
For now, all they would do is be happy. They would be okay, just for a week. Regulus had a plan, and everything was going to be okay. They were always destined to be tragic. It had been hanging in the stars since the moment they locked eyes all those years ago. Maybe it wasn’t how they wanted the story to end, but that was how life was. Not all stories end in the way you would expect.
Maybe their story ended abruptly, but Regulus thinks it’s more realistic that way. Things happen, and things end, even if you don’t want them to. You don’t get a say in what the universe chooses for you. All you can do is accept it.
Regulus Black was born tragic. Every part of him had been broken and cracked since the moment he was born. He was never going to be anything good. Not like James. James was perfect in every way that Regulus wasn’t. James Potter was the sun, and all Regulus would ever be is a rock at the bottom of the ocean.
This was their fate, in the end. All along, they were going to end up this way. They had been doomed from the start. They were always going to be a horrible tragedy.
~
There was something odd about the feeling before you kill someone. Regulus is pretty sure not many killers feel this. Most of them aren’t killing the love of their life.
There was something so terrifying about this. He knew how it would end- he has had it planned out. Regulus knows how this will go, and yet he can’t help but be afraid. He’s so afraid.
The dagger is in his pocket. He can feel it there, weighing him down. He knows he has to do this.
The bottle in his other pocket rattles as he walks. Holding it only slightly muffles the sound, so he just lets it rattle. He doesn’t care anymore.
There was only one true way that this would end. There was only one acceptable outcome. He had to do this.
James was already up in the Astronomy Tower when Regulus arrived. They lock eyes, and Regulus tries to put on a smile. No turning back now. He had to do this. It was the only way.
“Something wrong, Reg?” James asks, and of course he realizes that Regulus isn’t okay. Of course he fucking knows that something is wrong.
Regulus shakes his head, walking up to James. “Nothing is wrong, baby.” He smiles while he says it, placing his hands on James’ shoulders.
James leans in and kisses him, and oh, Regulus was going to miss this. He was going to miss it so much.
“I love you, Jamie.” Regulus whispers, trying to hide the tears that were welling up in his eyes. Regulus rarely ever said those three words. He always saved them for times where they were most needed. Like now. He needed James to know that he loved him. He needed James to know that he didn’t want to do this. He needed James to know that this isn’t what he wants.
“I love you too,” James says, concerning etching his face. He clearly didn’t believe that Regulus was okay. “Love, what’s wrong? Don’t lie to me.”
Regulus can’t stop the tears that fall down his face. He can’t stop the choking sob he tries to hold back. “I love you, okay? I love you so fucking much. I’m sorry I never said it enough. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, James.” His voice breaks, and he can’t stop it.
“Regulus, my love, what’s wrong? You can talk to me. I love you so much, okay? I don’t care how often or how little you say it. I know you love me. It’s okay.” James didn’t know why Regulus was so upset, and that makes Regulus just want to cry more.
“I’m sorry.” He chokes out, before he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the dagger. “I’m so sorry baby.”
Before James can respond, Regulus pierces the dagger into his stomach. His hands are shaking, and now they are covered in the blood of his lover. The love of his life. His reason for living. Regulus has the blood of his one true love on his hands, and it’s all his fault.
Regulus pulls the dagger out. The gasp that falls out of James’ mouth is fucking heartbreaking. He looks at Regulus with hurt in his eyes. “Regulus…?” He rasps out, clutching his stomach.
“I had to. I was forced to. It’s okay Jamie, Hold my hand. Hold my hand okay?” Regulus could barely speak, but he forced the words out.
James interlocks their fingers. Regulus brings him down to the ground. “It’s okay baby. You’re okay.”
“Reg, love, I don’t think I’m okay.” He says, coughing. Blood splattered out of his mouth as he did so.
“It’s okay. It had to happen this way.” Regulus was gently running his fingers through James’ hair, trying to bring him any comfort he could.
“Reg-”
“Sh, don’t talk.” Regulus whispers, kissing his hand softly.
“I’m dying, love.” James says, voice seeming farther and farther away by the second.
“I know, I know, baby. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I will see you on the other side, okay? I’m right behind you. We can have that other universe. We can be happy.” Regulus was sobbing now. This wasn’t fair. What the fuck did they do to deserve this?
“Reg-” James coughs again, more blood coming out.
“It’s okay, baby. You can let go. I’m right behind you. I will be there, okay? You can let go. I love you, James.”
“I love you, Regulus.” James rasps out, before his body falls limp. Regulus sobs over James’ body, still gripping onto his hand. The sobs are gut wrenching and horrible. James was dead. James was gone. Regulus had killed James.
Regulus’ can’t find it in himself to breathe. He was staring at James’ body. Limp and lifeless. James had always been warm and bright like the sun, but now he was just a cold, dead corpse laying on the ground.
Once he finally manages to somewhat breathe, he reaches into his other pocket. He pulls out the orange bottle that had been sitting in there, waiting for this moment.
“I’m coming Jamie, it’s okay.” Regulus whispers, before swallowing every pill in the bottle. He couldn’t live without James. It just wasn’t possible.
Regulus Black dies from an overdose. He dies with James’ hand in his own, their fingers intertwined.
This is how their story was always going to end. They were always going to be tragic. No amount of love could change that. Fate was fate, and their fate had been decided a long time ago. This was the tragedy of Regulus Black. Nothing would ever be good in his life, not for long.
Stories don’t always end in the way that you expect, but they end in the way the author intended them to. Regulus Black knew he was going to die young, most likely from his own hand. He knew this because he wrote his own story. He is the author, and this is the fate he chose.