Chapter 24
It had taken me ten years, nearly ten full years, to muster the will to quit, and I was afraid Granger’s trap of ten more days might rob me of my will. I couldn’t let myself forget. I hated how real the risk was that I would surrender to the false promises of a comfort that wasn’t mine to claim.
When they released me, I didn’t hit the down button at the lift. Instead I went up. Not even L for lobby, with its floo channels and apparition spots. A for atrium. The way in and out for almost everyone, maybe even me.
I wasn’t allowed to leave. Under no circumstances could I leave. But no one ever put a spell on me. I wore no restrictive bands. No alarms sounded when Weasley had escorted me outside. Theoretically I could just walk out. I could step into the channel of people moving like a current through that grand space and let the wave of bodies take me with them.
Outside.
It was a cloudy morning, the ground wet. It smelled like old city streets, with refuge and waste, but also fresh like recent rain. I looked up at the clouds and for just a moment the sun broke through. Brilliant.
Weasley found me when the sun was setting. He didn’t look like he’d had to look hard. More like he’d given me as much time as he could to come back on my own and finally he’d lumbered after me to wrap it up.
I wasn’t going back. He’d have to arrest me. He didn’t want to arrest me. One night, he negotiated. I didn’t agree, but he apparated me home anyway. Right into a cozy cottage room made chaotic by red-headed creatures squealing. Children, you might have called them. Goblins, more like. One tried to climb Weasley’s leg and the other settled for bouncing in front of Weasley begging until the man scooped both up.
Weasley set an extra plate for supper. Granger was working late, but she’d be home for bed time. A house elf in a blue chiffon gown hopped around the house tending to the children and laying food on the table. She had her own chair, like she was part of the family. A paid elf, twice as expensive as any wix, but Weasley swore it was worth it. He said it while bouncing the smaller of his two offspring in his arms, not even aware of how large he smiled at the babe as he did so.
Granger was home for bedtime. She took my presence in stride before leaving with Weasley to put the kids to sleep.
I sat on the couch, with the faint sound of kitchen cleaning and lullabies in the distance. I don’t know why I started to cry.
I quit, I told Granger again that night. I really quit.
I think she believed me.
Weasley made me go back in the morning. Down in his office it was unclear if he’d ask me to lie to him and say I wouldn’t leave again. I could see his mind working, trying to find a way out of the problem. Maybe if he didn’t know me as well he would have made the mistake of trusting me. Maybe if he didn’t see the best in me he wouldn’t have looked so pained when he forced me to put the restrictive bands on. Innocuous lines over my skin, except everyone would know what it meant. Frown lines etched deep into Weasley’s skin. He swore it was temporary, they were looking for another way.
The harsh edges of my smile weren’t reassuring. This wasn’t temporary, it was long overdue. He rubbed a hand over his face to hide his frustration, but I knew he understood.
I couldn’t stay in my room because I didn’t want to see anyone. A general anyone. Not a specific someone. Without purpose, I wandered. My feet carried me down paths familiar even though I hadn’t tread them in years.
I waited through the queue to the records desk with nothing to say when I got to the front. I didn’t recognize the wix sitting in my chair. I could tell it was the same chair. Same kiosk. Same shelves stretching into infinity. Different computer. They had upgraded. The index was gone. Obsolete. No thank you, I said when they asked if they could help me.
Weasley’s old office has been repurposed for a new special project. There were tables and chairs instead of piles of boxes, and the evidence wall was far more official than what Trix and I had assembled back in the day. A throng of investigators collaborated with more efficiency than my group ever strived for. An auror closed the door on my peeking, sending me on my way.
I wandered through the senior auror’s hall. There was a row of offices behind the main chamber I’d never been summoned to. Each had an assistant out front, scurrying about as they managed official business. They side eyed me, back so soon, but no one spoke until I let myself into an office that sat empty. Not even a desk. I spun in a circle, comparing it to Potter’s office on the training floor. I think it was actually a bit smaller. Potter would need a smaller desk, or maybe leave his new couch behind. No thank you, I said when one of the assistants asked if I needed anything. I didn’t take the hint to leave so they called Weasley to come get me.
All bark and no bite, I observed to him as he walked me from the senior auror chambers. Weasley hummed thoughtfully. Maybe it was that, maybe it was that the Minister of Magic himself wouldn’t let me be sent off to Azkaban. I couldn’t help but laugh.
I wanted to stay cold, ice cold. But I could feel the ice cracking as laughter warmed me from the inside. The feelings that leaked out hurt. If I stayed still with my thoughts they would consume me too soon and I might lose my will to have nothing but my thoughts for eternity.
I decided I would see people. I followed Stephanie to her cyber security seminar and contemplated how to find a book to explain it all for dummies. I went to the library with Ajax and Parker and helped quiz them for their final exams. I observed Iris’s final potions class for the year, trying not to mind so much that ten years went by without so much as reading a book on my favorite subject.
There would be no more learning in Azkaban, but that was alright. It pulled away the pretence that I could ever be equal to these fresh-faced trainees who had whole lives of possibility, whereas I had nothing to look forward to at all.
Each night that week, we met up in everyone’s room but Ajax and mine. The time was spent cramming for finals or celebrating a particular exam being over. People chipped in for takeaway from the outside. Since I didn’t have any money, I snuck into the canteen at odd hours when no one could possibly expect me and collected a variety of drinks to offer up.
It felt like I was saying goodbye, but everyone in their own way was saying goodbye. They’d be able to leave the dormitory next year, live outside the ministry if they wanted. Nothing would be the same for any of them, and everyone wanted this last hurrah. It hurt, how they were leaving. It was a pain that I would relive year after year, if I didn’t escape. Made worse each time as the age gap grew and my presence in these spaces became less acceptable.
Late in the evening, Trix wrapped their arm around my shoulder and it felt like that’s where it belonged. One last embrace before I was all alone again. Before I once more forgot the comfort of being held. When I went to Azkaban at least I would be alone by choice.
Graduation was the one time a year it actually felt like the DMLE gave a fuck and it was no surprise that I loved it. I tried to dress nice for the party, when all I had was trainee clothes. And the new denim pants from when they put me in a cell. And my sweater. Sky blue with a crimson letter. I looked out of place pairing it all together, but I’d always been out of place here and I guess I was just done caring.
I was working through my second plate of finger foods when Potter found me. Predictably, he wanted to go somewhere to talk. I thought about saying something mean, like asking what he planned to accuse me of this year, but I let it go and settled for shaking my head. He actually looked pained. I could see indecision warring on his features before he took the plunge and stepped in close. I met his entreating gaze with my stubborn one, and it didn’t sneak past me that it was obvious to anyone watching that this was more than casual. The DMLE loved their gossip and this would be making the rounds. Of course Weasley and Granger knew about the two of us.
Please, Draco, Potter practically begged. I looked at him, then. Looked into his bright green eyes that looked at me and could only see skin deep. I’d frozen him out.
Fine, I said, because if not here and now he’d keep chasing me. I took my plate of mini quiches and a half drunk whiskey and followed him to whatever hideyhole he’d arranged for tonight’s discussion.
As things go, “I was an ass” was a better start than “I’m sorry.” Describing how and why you were an ass could get a bit close to narcissism but Potter did alright at walking the line. He’d overreacted and yelled at me and he had no excuse.
I listened to everything he said and afterwards it wasn’t even hard to offer my forgiveness. Being magnanimous was easy. At least when there was nothing else I wanted. The moment the words left my lips he could tell I was done with him. I could see the realization crash over him and his face fell.
He tried negotiating just like everyone else. It didn't have to be over. He would do better, he promised. And he knew it was his fault for setting stupid rules he never would be able to follow. He’d been doing a lot of thinking, actually. He had decided -
It was easier to walk out before I heard what he decided. Easier to leave before I remembered how to miss him. I told myself I didn’t hear his pained sound behind me.
I had no future here, I reminded myself as I took the last swig of my drink. A few good people didn’t make up for all the awful. Just give it time, I knew, and the awful would corrupt the good before anything got better.
Blah blah blah the blow hard head auror was saying up on stage. Blathering on about the bright future ahead of the recent graduates who would make the whole world proud. I eyed the line at the bar, knowing it would triple in size when he finished yammering and wondering if I should get in soon, now that I’d survived Potter. I was thinking about all of this instead of listening, which is why I couldn’t be sure I heard right when the head auror said he was pleased to announce their newest senior auror, Ronald Bilius Weasley.
My head whipped around to see if everyone just heard what I had.
Granger already was sharing the most chaste, professional kiss I’ve ever seen with her husband in congratulations. The auror next to Weasley enthusiastically shook his hand. Weasley was being summoned up onto the stage, but traveling there was slow because everyone wanted a piece of him along the way. He looked a bit like Potter, actually, the way people mobbed him.
I didn’t think as I moved, I just shoved between bundles of aurors over and over until I made it to the stairs Weasley would take shortly. I saw his ridiculous blob of ginger hair, honestly hideous against his formal crimson robes. Something further cracked open in me. Instead of a handshake I went ahead and threw my hands around him in a hug. Honestly I had no excuse for doing something so stupid. It was just that I may never get another chance.
Weasley hugged me back, the asshole. I’m going to help you, Draco, he whispered. Remember? He’d promised years ago he’d have my back and if I gave him a chance and he planned to follow through. He’d put shackles on me himself, and still he asked me to stay.
I had to get out of there. The head auror’s speech honoring Weasley still sounded like blah blah blah, and Weasley looked ridiculous up there with a new shiny badge and a proud smile. The drink lines had gotten long, and all the good pastries had been taken, which meant if I had to get our right fucking now I’d not even get one final chance at the only good thing the DMLE had to offer.
I felt eyes on me the way I always could, and when I looked I caught Potter staring. For some reason he was holding two drinks and balanced a plate of delicious things in the crook of his arm. It took me too long to realize he’d gathered it all for me. Maybe he’d given up the senior auror position for me, too. Maybe he did this for Weasley. If I had listened earlier he would have told me, I’m sure. Whatever his reasoning, it was done now, and it was the right thing to do.
It was the right thing to make myself talk to Potter before I left. I didn’t do it for him. I did it for the high shelf whiskey and the last of the good pastries he’d gone out of his way to snag. I did it for Weasley, so he wouldn’t have to be the one to break his best friend’s heart.
I told Potter I was leaving. I fudged the details and said Granger offered me a new assignment far away. I couldn’t be here anymore. I couldn’t do this, with him. My voice was monotone when I said he’d been right, the relationship could never work with all the dynamics of work and whatever it was I did. I’d been right, there was no future here for me. I’d only meant to make excuses but it didn’t feel enough like lying.
Potter asked if I really had to go. Then he asked me where I was going. Asked me if I would stay in touch. It would have to be better, wouldn’t it, if we weren’t colleagues and we could be together outside of this place that wasn’t any good for me. Could he visit? Could we try again? Could we just see, please, if there was a way to make this work? Those green eyes of his were held wide and shiny.
My heart was pounding loud enough to drown out all his requests. I swallowed down enough whiskey to burn.
I’d know what to say if he were a senior auror, I’d tell him to fuck off, but he’d turned that down. He said he did it for himself. Apparently he’d been deemed a liability in the field when one too many people recognized him and got in the way of the mission, landing two aurors in the hospital. He hadn’t meant to end up down a path towards middle management and research. He knew he wasn’t good here, Weasley said he’d help him find a way out.
I didn’t know what to say to Potter, my… not ex-boyfriend. Not former lover. My past paramour. My one-time fling. The man who couldn’t keep things casual. The one now asking to have a go at being something real.
I couldn’t even look at him. Tomorrow morning was my appointment. I had to go. I had to get out of here. I’d been given ten days to reconsider and I used them to say goodbye to everything that ever gave this place meaning. All that was left was to say goodbye to Potter. I pulled my legs up to my chest and buried my face in my knees.
I still wanted him, and I wished to my bones I was selfish enough to take what he was offering me for just a night and still be able to leave him in the morning. Instead I said goodbye.