Chapter 15
I hadn’t meant to do Potter’s paperwork for him, but he was just so bad at it and I hated to let that stand. This was supposed to be a study. He’d been assigned the critical task of investigating what methods would lead to the highest retention levels for new trainees. He needed to take accurate notes.
Potter didn’t care about the notes. He didn’t really care about working late, either. He’d do it for the trainees, if one wandered by to get help on a project, in need of advice, or just wanting to talk. Potter was a good listener. He put the trainees at ease. His bright green eyes stared encouragingly and made the recruits think he could see into their souls.
It was unclear why he stayed late for me. It had started to keep me out of trouble. He didn’t like when he caught me trailing after Ajax, even though I couldn't help we lived together. He didn’t like when the first years trailed after me, peppering me with questions after class. Weasley’s trainees called me Mr. Malfoy with a level of respect that made me queasy and made Weasley laugh. No one whispered them warnings about me this year, but, when the young man I suppose was cute flipped his hair back and asked if I wanted to get a cup of coffee together, Potter sure looked like he had warnings to share.
I didn’t want the trainee’s attention, but it was increasingly worrying how much I enjoyed Potter’s.
We didn’t talk much. He always kept his distance. These days I was the one who sought him out, in need of a place to go, a set of eyes to keep watch.
I didn’t actually need anyone to keep watch, and not even because I was looking for them to slip up so I could kill myself. They’d dropped the ball loads of times by now and I was still here, pretending I couldn’t feel Potter’s eyes on me as I reworked an entire paragraph. I probably could have walked by his office without notice and spent the night alone in my room. Instead I knocked on Potter’s office door, like I had an appointment.
It wasn’t because I was lonely. That would be precariously close to needing someone. Which I would not fucking do. There’d been no one there for me when I took the drudgery job the DMLE first assigned to me and gave it purpose. I hadn’t needed Potter to come in and write a report on me, and ask the senior aurors for resources on my behalf. I had been fine. I constantly considered ending things, and even though it would have been way easier than it was now, I made the choice to stay living without anyone’s help at all.
If I needed someone it wouldn’t be Potter. But it was good I didn’t need anyone.
The team had been disbanded. Trix had been recruited into an advance curse breaking course. Stephanie had signed up for the new computer security task force, which apparently was another muggle thing the DMLE was woefully behind on. Weasley has a new crew of trainees to mentor or whatever. And Ajax was just trying not to flunk out of basic courses. I had been assigned nowhere, and no one had any time for me.
Well, Weasley dragged me along to his new project like he’d said he would when he first bullied me out of the records office. He made me take notes and record outcomes. He made me go over my observations each morning before trainees showed up and pried into my thought process and pressed me into suggesting improvements. It was antagonistic and intimidating, and what did it say about me that I would keep it up all evening if Weasley had the time. But Weasley had a family to go home to each night. I couldn’t tempt him with my assistance. His daily reports were exemplary even before Granger had a look at them, and I knew for certain my meddling with Potter’s notes wouldn’t be nearly enough for him to get on Weasley’s level. Not that Potter cared about being on Weasley’s level.
The problem was, I had no reason for visiting Potter in the evening. Not like I did with Weasley, who appreciated me. I doubted anyone believed the flimsy excuses I used to explain it. Maybe that’s why Potter was always staring at me. He suspected I was up to no good.
I didn’t know what I was up to. It was maddening.
He would let me sit in his office and do his work while he coached trainees through the trials of becoming an auror. He wasn’t thinking about how I took notes on what he said and how I tallied data points on how who he was talking to was affected. Maybe he never even reviewed the pile of case studies I had assembled for him. Clearly, he didn’t care about the study. But he did care about the people. He talked with them for as long as they needed. When it got late he didn’t make them leave. He’d ask if they wanted to continue the conversation over dinner in the canteen.
I don’t know why I kept being surprised how that was the moment when he’d look up, right at me, clear as day that he had never forgotten I was there in the room. He always invited me to join. I didn’t know why he did that.
One night I knocked and he didn't answer. That’s when I knew I’d screwed up. I had been taking for granted he’d always be there. Like I was entitled to my appointment.
He apologized later. He’d heard I’d stopped by while he was out. It was unexpected, Andi had just been passing through town and he left early to grab a drink.
I used to think Potter was a bad detective, but I think he saw everything I didn’t want him to when I insisted it was fine. I was just checking if he needed more help with his paperwork. I didn’t really need him to be there. I was fine spending a night alone.