A House Divided

"No, really, I shouldn't have asked! Please ignore that I even said that." Sirius pleaded.   

"I don't mind, I'll do it."   

"It's really fine if you don't want to, I'll ask Ja- Wait, you don't mind?" 

"I don't mind." Remus repeated, a little amused.   

"Oh, that's great... Yeah, that's, wow, okay."  

"Did you want me to say no? I can change my answer if that makes you uncomfortable." 

"NO! No, that's fine. Really great! I just didn't think you'd be comfortable." Sirius sighed. He was trying to relax a little. He was not someone who usually panicked, in fact he usually loved to make others panic, to make them nervous and flustered, but Remus...  

God, the power that man has over me.   

With only a few words, Remus had turned his shitty week into the most wonderful of all. Perhaps James was right earlier for telling him not to worry too much about today. Despite the dreadful  feeling he had when waking up this morning, everything will go fine. How could it not be fine when Remus bloody Lupin was his model! He would never forget today that is for sure!

"I've never modelled before, but if you tell me what to do, I'll do it." He looked up from the ground, and Sirius' heart skipped a beat as he met his gaze.   

"Sure, I'll guide you." He replied very quietly. Remus smiled at the answer. At this point Sirius was sure that he had died, disintegrated. He couldn’t possibly imagine how he was going to survive Lupin modelling for him. It was a plague of his own making and he didn’t have the cure.  

"Normally there would be better light in the studio and I could set you up comfortably, but... wait, I'll try to set up a workspace." 

Trying to use his brain and really concentrating on his vision, he scanned his room, looking for potential. There had to be a window. Not mandatory, but he liked natural light. He wanted a background without too much detail to reproduce, a curtain would do. He would also need at least something to cover Remus, he definitely wasn't ready to paint him in his full birthday suit. 

The bench he had at the end of his bed was delicate, long and high enough for a model to be half comfortable posing on it, he thought. It would do. He would just have to place it in front of the window where he wanted it. The little table by the window could stay. It would be a bit of practice, a good place to lean on, maybe if he moved the bench in front... There! That's it, his vision!   

He quickly disappeared into the bathroom and returned with a dressing screen, setting it down without a care against the wall. Then, he took the bench and brought it to the window and stood on the table. The last one seemed to barely support his weight as he worked quickly, pulling the rich red curtains from the rod in front of the window.  

In a few minutes, the scene was set; on the left, you could see outside through the window, sun peaking through. At the back, red curtains hurriedly hooked over the screen so that they looked like a wall of fabric. In front, a delicate table and bench were waiting for a model to sit on them.    

"Alright, here! Err… So you sit there, you can interact with the window or the table or whatever, really! Maybe something like that?" He sat with one leg up on the bench, both arms resting on the table behind him. "Whatever feels more natural to you. You'll have to be naked, but we'll use a drape for the genitals, don't worry, and if you want a trick for posing; if it feels too comfortable, it's probably going to look a bit weird. I'll help you once you're settled." He went on and on, explaining how he'd start sketching before he actually started on the canvas, how he wanted the composition and so on. Completely lost in his creative thoughts, he was quite surprised when he turned around to find Remus almost completely undressed, with only the minimum of clothing left on.   

"I'll... go make sure the door is locked." He spoke. Remus nodded and stayed where he was. On his way back, Sirius stopped by the bed and pulled his white cotton sheet off the bed. He tried to do it quietly, but judging by the small laughter behind him, it was probably a failed mission.    

"Well, hum, like I said, you can cover yourself with this and sit on the bench." And Remus did just that. He leaned his right elbow against the table. Compared to Sirius, he felt most comfortable with his legs a little less spread, so he put both of them on the bench, only slightly bending his knees.   

"How's that? I'm not sure what to do with my other hand..." Remus admitted, a little nervous. Sirius' eyes were on him. His gaze traced every curve, every scar on Remus' body. He could feel his face heating up, as if it was burning, even though the room was cold for a summer day.   

"Yeah, that looks nice." Sirius said, his voice suddenly a little raspy. He approached Remus with a silent request, asking for permission to touch him, which Remus granted with a small nod. Sirius took the hand Remus wasn't sure how to place, and guided it forward to rest on his stomach. "There, that looks good." He then reached for his jaw, lifting it slightly and turning it towards the wall of curtains he had created. "Perfect." He breathed out. Remus wasn't sure if he was breathing. The feeling of Sirius' fingers still lingered on his skin like a ghostly sensation long after. 

“Now you've got the easy job, don't move, just relax. I'll go over there and start sketching. ¨ He pointed to a bench that he honestly did not remember bringing, but oh well, he was glad he had. Just walking up to it made him feel like he had forgotten how to walk at all.   

As James walked past the bookshop near the palace, he noticed a familiar boy with black hair browsing the shop. He had probably stopped by to pick up his usual order of books. He hesitated before entering the establishment. He passed the door, the bell above it chiming a lovely tune, but Regulus did not even glance in his direction. 

Whether Regulus had wanted to help his brother or not, James wasn't sure, but he wanted to thank him anyway. It was rarely easy to get close to Sirius' younger brother, though. It used to be, but now everything seems more complicated. 

James walked slowly through the shop, looking at book titles without really reading them, acting as if he had any reason for coming in other than to talk to Regulus, even picking up a book or two without paying much attention to what he was getting. He'd buy a few and give them to his father if he had to, he liked to read anything anyway. 

It was a slow and steady process to get close to the other boy. 

''Hey! How have you been?'' He said, a warm smile lighting up his face once he was close enough to be heard. 

Regulus' cold gaze met his warm one. James felt his breath catch in his throat, it itched. Regulus had this effect on him that he could not quite understand. A simple look and James could die on the spot. He'd be lying if he said the smaller boy wasn't the reason he discovered he wasn't as straight as he thought he was. 

The first summer Regulus had returned to the Black's Palace had been full of revelations for James. He had changed a lot and looked more mature. Who wouldn’t after 5 years?

He had grown a few centimetres, though he was still shorter than James and Sirius by at least a few inches. His features were still soft, but there was an edge to them that hadn't been there before. He always had beautiful hazel eyes, but somehow it was as if he had never seen them before. His skin had always been very fair, but now - he had been kissed by the sun during these years away. Small freckles, barely visible from a distance, spread across his cheeks and nose. A healthy red tint had spread across his face. He had never seen him look healthier or more alive, even though his attitude had become the opposite of his appearance. 

James couldn't remember anyone ever looking this good. Well, a man at least. There was a reason he thought he was straight for so long. 

His crush, though it had not faded in years, was one of the few things he had decided to keep to himself. Sirius was aware of James' sexuality, but he would never admit that the reason he knew he liked men and women was because of his little brother Regulus.  

The thing was, they were never really close anyway. His crush hardly made any sense. Sure, they hung out when they were both younger, but mainly because of Sirius. They were always bickering too. Quite the opposite in opinions most of the time, but back then, Regulus was ... well, different; 

A shy, frail boy who idolised his older brother and followed him around like a shadow. A younger sibling who was always ready to help out and laugh a lot. He was the kind of boy who loved to look up at the stars and marvel at simple things like a pretty flower or a butterfly landing on his knee. 

Perhaps it was the memories of those happy days coupled with his current appearance that had James on his knees for the younger man, but who could blame him? 

He liked to think that some things never changed. After all, James was an optimistic sort of guy. Even when his warm greetings were met with a cold shoulder, he believed that deep down there was still the boy he had known when he was 12. Sirius often told him he wished for James to stop missing past versions of people. He could agree that it would indeed be easier if he did, but it wasn’t quite his nature. 

'' I wanted to talk to you, I'm glad to see you here". 

Silence. He went on. 

"You know, about Sirius…”

A sigh. 

'' Please just ask what you want and go."

" Right... You helped him, didn't you?"

"I did not."

Regulus seemed sincere. Nothing in "I did not" could be read as a maybe or a yes, but James is optimistic.

"No, but I mean you had his brushes and..."

"Believe it or not, Potter, I like art too. I just don't make it my whole personality, unlike my brother. It was never for Sirius. I just happened to have his brushes and pigments because I was finishing a study."

"Really? I thought - never mind. What kind of study was it? I'm not too bad at art, we could discuss it sometimes, or I could help you with..."

"No thanks. I already have a teacher."

"Yeah, sure, but..." 

And just like that, Regulus was already on his way to the counter, and as much optimism as he had in him, he knew that the conversation was over for today and that there was no point in pushing it further. 

It could have been hours or minutes that passed and it would have been the same. All Sirius could think of was Remus, Remus, Remus, Remus, Remus. 

He still couldn’t believe this whole thing was real. 

Remus was besides him, looking in tamed admiration as Sirius would paint lines of a body. Remus’ body. He was long done doing sketches and testing colors so there was no point in Keeping him seated in a rather uncomfortable position. He did not expect Remus to watch him work this closely though or to still be draped in only a cotton sheet. 

It was to help him draw details he could have missed from a distance the other had said. Sirius could swear Remus was flirting with him then, but he was never really sure with this man. 

His easel was filled with drawings and paintings of Remus now. Sketches of just a body form, then sketches with more details, some with backgrounds, then some with flat colors. So, so many! He was now at the actual painting. The full size one. It wasn’t as big as the ones he worked with in the studio, but James couldn’t do miracles either. It would be hard to sneak-in a big canva. 

‘’It’s mesmerizing to see you at work. It really… looks like me.’’

‘’I did do a not so bad job at immortalizing your beauty thus far, I’d say.’’

‘’Beauty.’’ His upper lips curled up and his nose wrinkled in disgust.

‘’What? You don’t believe you’re pretty? For fuck sake Moony, stop saying nonsense! You’re literally one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met! Do I need to enumerate all the things that are beautiful about you? I am serious, I can!’’

Remus didn’t have to ask, Sirius simply continued by enumerating a few things.

‘’To begin, your hair! They look just so soft and fluffy! And they are actually! Last time, when you fell asleep on my knees I just couldn’t resist anymore and they really are like fluffy clouds! They have a beautiful color too! Dirty blond, people say it’s the color, but I don’t see dirt in them at all. When you bask in the sun did you know they shine? God they’re beautiful. They look like they have thousands of colors in them.’’ 

 Then a few others.

‘’Your nose is the cutest ever! That little downturn? To die for! You’re tall too! We have the same height so I know this is quite exactly what the perfect height is.’’

And then some more. 

‘’Your skin-’’

‘’My skin is NOT beautiful! I have more scars than-’’

‘’So? Scars can be beautiful. It makes you unique. Even in a crowd of thousands of people no one compares to you. Plus a lot of beautiful things have scars too you know! For example, well there’s the moon. When I use the astronomy tower, I love to look at stars, but I’m always drawn towards the moon more. It’s breathtaking you know. When you pay attention enough you can see it’s not just a flat surface, there’s more to it, little bumps, little marks. They remind me of your face. I can’t quite remember how it happened that I gave you Moony as a nickname, but I’m almost sure it was for this reason really!’’

Somewhere, sometime, they had gotten closer. He couldn’t tell when or how, but their faces were just a few inches apart and Remus was looking at him ever so softly. He stopped speaking. He brushed off a couple of stray hairs out of Lupin’s face, dragging his fingers lazily down to his jaw after tucking them in.

I need someone to pinch me so I know this is real, he thought. Were they really about to kiss? Was he so crazy in love with Sirius the same way Sirius was crazy in love with him?

There was a knock at the door. For a second he thought it was all in his head, until there was a second knock. He looked painfully away from Remus and to the door. 

When he looked back at Remus, the uncertainty with which he looked at Sirius made his heart sink a little. If it was his parents, with the upcoming soirée, Sirius would escape punishment, but the scholar on the other hand…

They heard three more impatient knocks and that was enough for Remus’ blood to run cold and reach for the clothes he had left on the floor earlier. 

Four more insistent knocks. His mother usually knocked 4 times… both their hearts were hammering in their chest. 

No, it can’t be. Not for Remus. God please, not Remus, not his moon. 

He would never forgive himself if the man suffered because of his own stupidity. It happened once or twice before. He still had nightmares thinking back on it. It was hard to forget. Lupin was still bearing marks from that incident all across his face and body. It had honestly been one of the hardest things to see. Sure he had seen his parents slaughter innocents for all his life, but never had it been someone this important to him. 

“Sirius! I know you’re in there idiot! Open the damn door!”

He instantly felt his shoulders slack at the first word. It was his brother. Thank god it was his brother. Regulus could be as dangerous as his parents sometimes, but he knew the ways he used to mess with him and they were far less violent than their parents’. Plus, even though they both changed and grew apart, they were still brothers. Sirius still knew how to handle him. Most of the time. 

“What do you want, your highness?” He said as he opened the door. Regulus pushed past Sirius, inviting himself to the prince’s room. 

“I’d like to take back the painting materials I’ve lent you.”

Sirius looked at him incredulous. 

“You mean MY painting materials? The ones you stole FROM ME?”

“Whatever you’d like to call them. I wasn’t quite done with my studies, My teacher is coming later, they need to be done by then. I think I have been very lenient with the time I’ve given you.”

This prick really had a talent to press on all his nerves. 

“Oh fuck off will you. Ask your mommy and daddy to buy you new materials! Besides, I’m even surprise you don’t have-”

“I see where I have made a mistake. Were you two having fun? Is this the reason for your fury brother? I should have known the moment you did not come for the door at the first knock, you waited for four of them to open…’’

He waited. 

‘’That would indeed be a very regretful sight to see for our mother. ”

He paused and got closer to Sirius who had unconsciously retreated closer to where Remus was finishing to dress back up. He made sure to drag his words, put meaning into them that he knew Sirius knew too well. 

“Too bad, with the time it would take for her to come back to the palace and come to my room Remus would be long gone, my room would be clean and there would really be nothing left to-”

“Really? You were not made aware that tonight’s meeting was cancelled? I saw Mother just now, as I was on my way here.”

Sirius was getting very annoyed by his brother’s habit of cutting him mid sentence, but he let it slip as a rush of adrenaline came back running through his veins once again.  

“Besides, what a shame would that be if I were to tell Mother about what I saw.”

“You saw nothing! You know there isn’t anything incriminating here other than the fact that I was not supposed to have my materials back.”

“Mine.”

“Whatever, little shit, get out of my room.”

“You will really not give them to me then?’’ He said incredulously. 

‘’No, get out!’’

Regulus sighed. 

‘’You really want those scars to keep accumulating don’t you?’’ This time it was a threat as he looked at Remus with cold eyes.’’I could have sworn you cared for him…Perhaps I don’t know you so well after all those years brother...Now, all I have to do is tell mother the sad news, don’t I?”

 He sighed in a forced way.

”Her oldest son, heir to the throne has once again deceived her and bedded another man…”

Regulus was smiling proudly. Oh the little shit. Sirius’ blood was boiling. And here he was minutes before, thinking the voice of his brother was a relief. He shouldn't have opened that damn door. 

“Come on, Reggie, you know better than to go snitch some false fucking shits to Mother! You really think this is a joke!? Fine! Fucking take it! All of it!”

He glanced quickly at Remus. Knowingly without talking, The man took this as an opportunity to excuse himself and leave the two to bicker alone. Once the door closed all hell broke loose. 

“You think you too can have power over me like Mother and Father!? Have you forgotten you too have people here you care about and this game you are playing could very well be played both ways. If there is ANYTHING that happens to Moony I swear I’ll have your head on a stick as soon as I’m on the throne. Hell, Father might have to put mine on one after I find you if you touch him! ”

It was said with such convictions that even Regulus who’s rarely taken aback had to take a step back and think for a second or two. Because what if eventually Sirius does crack? What if he does strike back eventually and put people HE cares about in danger? No, Sirius didn’t have it in him to be this mean. 

It took little to no time for him to find his composure and snarl back despite his light falter. 

“We both know I’m the favorite child,” he said plainly. “Would they even believe anything their failure of a son would say? Do you really think you’re important enough for anyone here to listen to you? To care!? Are you sure you’re in a good position to threaten me!?” 

Sirius sure doesn’t feel as though he has the power to do so in reality. He barely feels important to the people he is important to. It’s more like he’s a burden just by existing. There was a time when it would hurt him so much to think that, when he would constantly apologize for not being enough, but now it’s just all pretty numb. Though he had to admit that hearing it from his little brother sting. He knew from 11 to 16 years old his brother had grown apart, but never had he realised just how much like their parents he was now. James’ overly positive view on life had apparently rubbed off on him despite all the horrors and abuse that keeps on reminding him of his place. Reminding him of how very little choices he has. 

“ Take what you came here for and leave! “Then he muttered under his breath. “It was much better when you wouldn’t be here during the summer…”

If his brother heard the last bit, he did not show any signs that he did, but does he ever show signs of anything other than frigidity, Sirius thought. 

Regulus silently started packing his older brother’s materials. He worked fast and neat, Sirius had barely had time to put down the large drapes from the dressing screen that his brother was done packing. Although he could leave, he stayed there, looking at the half done canvas and drawings Sirius had worked on all day. 

For a moment, Sirius thought he saw a gleam in Regulus’ eyes, one that he saw in them when they were younger. It barely showed through his icy exterior, but there was something soft in his expression as he looked at his brother’s artwork. Something… 

“You did well capturing his features…” Regulus started. For another moment there was something there, Sirius could see it. Something…

“ It really does look like him.” He had not heard his brother speak this softly or look this young in years, he almost had trouble believing that something like this, something-

“ It’s unfortunate, he really isn’t pretty. Wasted your  talent and time really.” 

Nothing.

Because that’s was they share now;

Nothing.

Sirius watched as hours of work disappeared in seconds the mere moment Regulus decided to pour what was left of the paint medium and brush cleaner all over his artwork, leaving not a single paper salvageable. His brother always did a perfect job, didn’t he? Always so perfect compared to him, even when ruining his life, he did it perfectly. That was it for him. The last straw. 

Today was a mourning day, he decided. He knew from the moment he had woken up it would be.God, he shouldn't have listened to James. He shouldn’t have allowed himself some false hopes. Ever.

His hard work was destroyed, his tools taken and his little brother dead. 

You’re dead to me. So dead.I hope you die. I hope you bloody fucking drown and suffer. He repeated in his head. 

What a truly fucking wonderful mourning day.