Chapter 10
January 2 1977
Remus and Regulus had gone their separate ways the next morning, after eating breakfast and enjoying the few hours of peace that they could get. Any minute now all of Remus’ classmates would be coming back, and things would go back to how they used to be.
Remus would be lying if he said he wasn’t a bit upset. He loved hanging out with Regulus, and not having to worry about any kind of consequences, however he did miss his friends in a way. Lily had a comforting presence that he always appreciated during their studying times. Peter was good at being quiet, so both of them had experienced many relaxing days of just lying about. James was always happy and fun, and though it could be suffocating at times, it did liven up the atmosphere of a room. And Sirius…
Well he had been missing Sirius for quite some time now. He didn’t miss the distant Sirius that always seemed desperate for forgiveness, but just as desperate to be left alone. He missed the Sirius that had been his best friend not even a year before.
It’s funny how one small thing can change the lives of the people around it, but Remus knew all about that. A bite on his arm that he had gotten when he was five had ruined his life forever.
At around 1 in the afternoon, people started filtering into the castle. Remus was in the dorm, he didn’t know where else to go, and at least it would be emptier than the rest of the castle.
The three of them came in together, Peter and James were talking animatedly about quidditch, whilst Sirius followed behind quietly. This was unlike him.
Remus looked at him once he came into the room, it was the first time he had done so properly in quite a while. He looked awful. This was very unlike him in Remus opinion.
Remus didn’t know if this was out of the ordinary for him, he hadn’t really been paying attention to him until now.
“Welcome back, guys” he said weakly.
“Hey Remus!” Peter exclaimed, “How was your Christmas?”
“Good, yeah good. Very relaxing”
“That’s good! I was worried about you being here all by yourself, but you said you didn’t want to come back with us, and I tried to tell you it wouldn’t be that bad but- “
“Pete” James put a stop to his rambling.
“How were your Christmases?”
“Good! We played quidditch, and had mince pies, and all that kind of stuff!” James replied.
“My sister visited from America, so that was nice!”
“I’m glad, Pete”
Remus looked over at Sirius, who only nodded. Remus suddenly felt a surge of guilt, had he done this? Sirius was being so… weird. Remus didn’t really want to feel the guilt, he had always blamed Sirius for the mess they were in, but he always had a soft spot for Sirius.
He shot a glance at James, who looked just as worried.
“Uh Remus? Can I have a word?”
“Sure, James”
The two of them stepped into the hallway.
“Has he always been like that?”
“Um well, he was a bit more withdrawn during summer and last term, but it’s gotten a lot worse over Christmas.”
“Why?”
“I promise I’m not blaming you Remus, but he just started feeling a lot more guilty since he found out you wouldn’t come with us for Christmas, and the whole thing with his brother, and it’s just been bad. It was almost as bad as it was just after the actual incident.”
“What whole thing with his brother?”
“I think he just feels bad that this is the first Christmas Regulus spent by himself, that’s all”
“Okay” Remus tried not to feel bad about that, “I don’t know what to do James.”
“You don’t have to do anything. You have the right to be angry with him”
“James”
“I think- I don’t know, he’s barely talked to me about it. I think he might just miss you”
“Okay, okay, I need some space, I can’t do this right now. I’m gonna go for a walk. I’ll see you at dinner.”
He walked off before James could reply. He dodged his way through corridors of people going to their dorms with their luggage. He eventually made it to his and Reg’s spot, he didn’t know if any other place would be empty.
When he was there he tried not to let himself think too much about his friends, but that was not use. Remus wishes more than anything that things could go back to how they were, and he can’t help feeling guilty about that. But then he thinks that it’s not his fault, it’s Sirius’ and that just makes him feel angry because he’s blaming himself for something he didn’t do. But then feels guilty because if things were how they were, he would have never bonded with Regulus, and he’s probably the best thing that came out of the year 1976.
“Fancy seeing you here” A voice cut in through his rambling thoughts, it was Regulus, of course.
“What are you doing here?”
“My dorm mates are annoying, and I figured you would need saving from whatever spiral you’ve gotten yourself into.”
“I do, yes”
“Alright, what’s up?”
“Have you seen Sirius? He looks like a mess”
“Of course that’s what’s got you all worked up.”
“What do you mean?”
“You don’t think he’s been occupying a lot of your mind recently?”
“What? Of course he has, he’s the one who got me into this mess in the first place”
“You don’t think that there’s another reason?”
“What? No”
“Okay, let me put it like this. Have you been worrying about him? Or have you been angry at him for the horrible act of betrayal he committed?”
“Uh worried”
“That’s what I thought, why do you think you’re especially worried about him right now?”
“Uh I told you earlier, he looks like a mess.”
“And how does he normally look?”
“Well he normally looks like really good. Like his hair right now is really flat, but normally it’s quite wavy and stuff, like yours but longer. And his eyes - oh shit”
“Finally”
“Fuck, I’m in love with your brother.”
“As much as I hate to hear you admit that, I’m glad you finally figured it out”
“Wait, what do you mean? You already knew?”
“Obviously, I know everything”
“And you didn’t tell me?!”
“You wanted me to tell you your own feelings? About my brother, who you supposedly hate?”
“Oh god, what am I gonna do?”
“Why would I know?”
“Ugh you are so annoying! You said you were going to help me!” Remus cried.
“I saved you from your spiral”
“I’m pretty sure you made it worse.”
“Yeah I’m no good at the feelings thing. You probably should have gone to Evans for help there”
“You came to me!”
Regulus just shrugged, he was far too amused by the situation in Remus’ opinion.
“Should I forgive him?”
“That would fix some of you problems” Regulus agreed, “I just don’t know if you would really mean it”
“I think I would. I don’t know, I’ve kind of gotten over the actual prank itself, weirdly, I think it’s just the trust thing that’s bothering me.”
“Well if you can become friends again, you might be able to rebuild some of that trust, just ignoring each other isn’t going to do anything.”
“That doesn’t fix the whole in love with him part does it though?”
“I’ve got to say, Remus, your taste in men is horrible”
“He’s your brother, and we have literally made out.”
“I regret both of those things”
“You are impossible”
“Yep” Regulus shrugged, “You’re the one who’s friends with me.”
“Shut up, you’d be lost without me”
“Remus.” Regulus cut in, “I think you should try and become closer with your friends again. We’ve been through this, isolating yourself doesn’t work, I think it would be good if you can regain some normalcy”
“I hate when you’re the responsible one”
“You know I’m right”
“Okay fine, I’ve been gone a while anyway, they’ll probably start to wonder where I am.”
“Okay, I’ll head back after you, wanna meet here tonight?”
“Yeah sure, see you later, Toebeans” Remus replied distractedly.
“Bye, Gibby”
Remus wasn’t sure what to do from this point. Regulus really hadn’t helped with anything, he had made things worse. Despite this, Remus decided that he was right, annoyingly. He hurried through the castle, not really paying attention to the surroundings.
Once he had gotten to the dorm, the three of them were there, packing away their things quietly.
“Padfoot” Remus said, breaking the silence.
Sirius looked up at him, surprised at the nickname. James and Peter were just as confused, but they quickly got up and left, claiming they had left something downstairs.
“Yes, Remus?” Sirius sounded nervous, but there was a tremor of hopefulness in his voice.
“We should talk”
“Okay”
Remus found this conversation confusing, Sirius was normally far more defiant, or in control. In this case he was neither.
“I forgive you” Remus didn’t know what else to say, really. He didn’t feel like beating around the bush would do either of them any good.
“Oh, really?” Sirius looked as if this was not what he expected at all, but his nerves seemed to ease off a bit.
“Yes, look, I forgive you, I know you’re sorry,” Remus explained, “I just don’t know if I can trust you very well yet, any of you.”
Sirius looked sad about this, but his demeanor was still hopeful.
“I’ve always been bad at trust, and you broke it, so I think I’m going to have to learn how to trust you lot again.” Remus had practiced this in his head many times by now, but it felt surreal saying it outloud, especially since his newly learnt information about himself, “but I really miss you Pads, I want to be friends again.”
Sirius looked at him, Remus noticed now that he was crying. He looked a lot like Regulus when he cried.
“I miss you too, Moony” He cried, before throwing his arms around Remus.
Remus felt his eyes begin to sting, before hugging Sirius back. He felt a tension leave his body that he hadn’t even realised he’d been holding. He missed this. He needed this.
“Aww you guys!” A voice cried from the doorway. It was James, of course it was.
Suddenly Remus felt two more pairs of arms wrap around him, “The Marauders are back!” James said, though muffled on Remus’ shoulder.
So, one problem was fixed, Remus supposed, now he had a whole new one.
“Come on, let’s go to dinner” Peter said, with a big smile on his face.
At dinner there was still some tension in the air, some parts were awkward, and some were just silent. But jokes were made, and laughs were had. It was probably the best dinner Remus had experienced with his gang for a while. Lily smiled at him knowingly, and Regulus caught his eye from the back of the room, smirking.