Chapter 8
26 December 1976
When they woke again it was mid afternoon. They hurriedly, and clumsily, got dressed and snuck into the kitchens for food.
“Picnic?” Remus asked.
“It may be sunny, but it is still December in the North of Scotland. I think I can see snow on the highest point of the castle.”
“Fine we can do it in the dorm”
So now, they were sat in the dorm, on top of a thick red blanket, enjoying a selection of the sandwiches the house elves had prepared for them.
“How come the house elves like you so much?” Remus questioned.
Regulus had grown up rather lonely, except for Sirius, this was no secret. What was a secret, however, was that in the year Sirius had left for Hogwarts, Regulus coped by hiding away with Kreacher, his house elf. Kreacher was hopelessly grumpy, and he definitely hated Sirius, but he always seemed to have the time for Regulus.
When Regulus was finally sent to Hogwarts, he had hidden away with some of the house elves in the kitchen whenever he got particularly lonely. He didn’t do so as much anymore, as the heir expectations were much higher, but the elves remember him, and treat him with a lot of kindness whenever they see him.
“I used to help them in the kitchens”
“Why?”
“When Sirius left, I used to stay with my family’s house elf for company. Now I’ve just got a soft spot for them.”
“Aww you are sweet”
“I’m planning all the different ways I could kill you right now.”
“Shut up, you’d be lost without me.” Regulus rolls his eyes.
Not long after, a large thump was heard at the window, a barn owl.
“That looks like the Potter’s owl”
“Oh you have got to be kidding me” Regulus said as Remus scrambled over to the window to let the owl in.
The owl was carrying 3 letters.
The first one was from James:
Remus
I hope you’re having a nice Christmas, even though I wish you could have come with us.
I know things with Sirius are difficult, and I want you to know that I have your back, and you can talk to me about anything.
What Sirius did was wrong, and I’m not excusing it, but he’s been miserable all holiday. He barely came downstairs yesterday, so he spent most of Christmas alone.
I’m worried about him, I promise he feels awful, and he wouldn’t ever do it again, just please consider talking to him?
Merry Christmas
I miss you
James
x
Remus looked conflicted whilst reading the letter, Regulus knew he still cared about Sirius, even if he wouldn’t admit it out loud. Regulus also knew he related to Remus in that respect.
“I don’t know if I could speak to him again, Regulus” Remus spoke quietly, “Everytime we do, I just get angry and reminded of why I was angry with him in the first place”
“You don’t have to, Remus, it’s his responsibility to fix things, not yours”
“You’re right, sometimes I can’t help feeling guilty, things were so good before the prank, and everything would be so much easier if I could just forgive him”
“I don’t really know what to say. You know I don’t really get along with Sirius anyway”
“Maybe we could hate him, and miss him together”
“I do not miss him, but yeah, we could.” Regulus gestured back to the owl, “Don’t forget the other letters”
One of the other letters was addressed for Remus, in Sirius’ handwriting. The other, much to Regulus’ surprise, was addressed to him.
“Together?”
“Alright”
Regulus decided to just quickly rip it open and read it as fast as he could.
Regulus
I know this is the first Christmas you’ve spent by yourself since I left, I hope things aren’t too bad at home. I also hope that you can even read this letter, as I know Mother likes to intercept them.
I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left you, it was selfish. I’m sorry, but I don’t regret it, staying in that house would have killed me, and I really hope it doesn’t do that to you.
If I had the chance to bring you, I would have, but in my defence, I was almost unconscious.
I miss you, so much.
I wish I wasn’t so good at driving people away.
Stay safe, I love you - and I always will
Sirius
X
When Regulus looked up at Remus, he was crying, when he saw the tears on Remus’ he realised his face was wet as well.
—-
Remus was scared to read his letter, reading James’ was bad enough. Part of him wanted to throw it into the fireplace and never think about Sirius again. The only reason he didn’t was because Regulus was already reading his.
When he did finally open the letter, he read it as quickly as he could.
Remus
I’m sorry. I’ll say that a million times and it wouldn’t be enough. I know I haven’t said it anywhere near to a million times, and I’m sorry for that too.
I am so unbelievably sorry, I don’t know how to put it into words.
I miss you, Moony
Sirius
He wasn’t sure at what point he started crying, but there were teardrops on the parchment of the letter.
Regulus was crying too, something Remus had only seen once before.
“I hate him” Regulus choked out.
“Me too” Remus said quietly.
“I love him though”
“Me too”
They collapsed into each other, letting the other cry into their shoulder. It was comforting, in a way, to have someone who definitely understood what Remus was going through, even if it was in a different way. They had each been let down by Sirius Black, and neither of them were coping.
After ten minutes of quiet crying and comforting, Remus finally broke the silence.
“Should we reply?”
“I don’t want to”
“Well, I’m going to reply to James, and I feel like it would be easier to talk to him in a letter.”
“Fine, but I’m not writing much.”
“Me neither”
After a lot of fussing about what exactly to write, Remus had written two letters, and Regulus had written one, even if it was more of a note.
James,
Thank you for worrying, but I am fine at Hogwarts.
I will think about talking to him, I have replied to his letter. This does not mean I forgive him.
I miss you too, I hope you had a good Christmas.
Remus
Sirius,
I’m far from ready to forgive you, but I am trying, I miss you too.
It’s hard for me to trust you, or anyone really, right now.
Remus
Remus thought that his letters were short, but he felt better when Regulus showed him his:
I am at Hogwarts, so you needn’t worry.
Merry Christmas
RAB
Despite its length, Remus knew that the letter would mean a lot to Sirius, especially because he would always worry about Regulus when he was at Grimmauld Place by himself.
The two of them promptly went to the owlery to send the letters. Both of them used separate owls, to make sure Sirius wouldn’t know they were together.
The rest of the day was spent in silence, both of them not really having the capacity to do much more. They sat on Remus’ bed, Regulus’ head on his shoulder and read. At dinner, Remus wordlessly went to the kitchens and got dinner for the both of them.
Neither of them were ready to talk much further about Sirius, as it was a loaded topic, and they both knew that about each other, so they just didn’t.
Once they were both in bed, Regulus quietly whispered to Remus, “Remus? Can I tell you something?”
“Course, Reg”
“I’m gay” he barely spoke over a whisper.
“Wow, maybe that’s why we get along so well” Remus snorted.
“Huh?”
“You and me are alike in more ways than one, Reg."
“I love you so much, Remus”
“I love you too, Reg”
They fell asleep not long after that, and neither of them acknowledged it in the morning, but they understood each other just a little bit more than before.