Remus John Lupin had lived a long life.
He was barely 34 years of age, and yet he had experienced more than most wizards in their entire life.
Living with lycanthropy since he was but a boy, and having lost his best friends one after the other, he was all too familiar with the kind of thoughts one shouldn't have. The wish of ceasing to exist, and the urge to fulfill that wish... It was something that he learned to greet like an old friend when it did come back to him.
Because afflictions like these, they didn't just leave. And he knew that more than most.
So, when he returned to Hogwarts after decades, not as Remus, but as Professor Lupin, it took him less than a week to recognize the eyes of those suffering in silence.
He recognized the empty looks, and the long sleeves worn even in the blazing summer. He spotted children staring out the window in his class, and nearly froze when he gathered assignments and one child accidentally revealed thin scars on their arm.
It took him a little longer than a week to finally do something about it.
The next time Remus spotted Amanda's Brocklehurst with a distinguishable void in her eyes, he spent half of his class pulling her into some of his jokes that would've made Prongs proud, until he found a genuine smile spread on Amanda's face.
The day after, he secretly left a little chocolate on the desk of Terrence Boward, and hoped that one day, Terrence' scars would fade into nothingness.
He took notes of those who grew so much smaller under his gaze, and made sure to praise their efforts, because "effort always counts as much as results do, my dear students."
For a while, just those little gestures were enough. Until one day, they weren't.
Remus had finally finished looking over a few especially long and grueling homeworks (which, to be fair, was his fault) and merely wanted to take a little route through Hogwarts' courtyard when noise made him halt.
It was a familiar sound, immediately taking him back to his days as a student, before he found support in his friends. For a second, he was back in the cold air of one of Hogwarts' gardens, an open and starry sky above him and yet he had no times to admire the stars, too busy struggling with his breathing that became more and more choked.
Remus felt the wetness of his own tears on his face, and the sharp pain in his chest as he tried to fight down his panic.
He needed a few seconds to pull himself out of it, to remember that this was years, no, decades ago and he had changed. That these sounds were not his own, but rather from someone in the exact position he used to be in.
Having wasted enough time, he turned on his heels and jogged towards the sound, wand ready in case the student was so far gone that they needed medical help.
Thankfully, he found the source of the noises fairly quickly, spotting the student on a bench with their knees up to their chest. Their breathing sounded too choked up and too fast for his taste.
"Hey there," he said as gently as he could, but the student flinched anyway, head shooting up and dark eyes staring at him. Recognizing them to be Anika Singh, the best student in his class of 5th graders, Remus' surprise lasted for less than a second.
"P-professor Lu..." Anika choked out, but her voice failed her as her breathing became worse. Her usually warm, tan skin looked pale and she began to sound like she was drowning, rushing Remus into action. "I ca-... can't..."
"No, don't talk, dear." he urged as he kneeled in front of her, one of his hands holding her shoulder. "I need you to follow my lead. We're going to breathe together until you feel better, okay? Can you do that for me?"
Anika nodded, eyes glazed over as she stared at Remus. He tried his best to smile at her, mind already searching for all the techniques he had learned for when his own panic began to take over.
"We're going to breathe in for four seconds, okay? Come on, 1... 2..." To his immense relief, Anika joined him, breathing in deeply even as she struggled.
"Now hold a little bit, not for long... And breathe out, 1... 2... 3... 4..."
Together, they repeated the exercise, again and again until Anika's hands stopped shaking. Until the blood returned to her cheeks, and her lungs cooperated.
"Very good, Anika, you're doing very good." Remus smiled assuringly, hand still on Anika's shoulder and never letting go. Her eyes were still too glazed over for his liking, and so he went to plan B. "We're going to try something else now. Could you please tell me 5 things you can see?"
Anika seemed a little confused at his request, yet she did it anyway, even looking around a little. "I can... I can see my hands," she muttered and glanced at her fingers, clenched around the edge of the bench she was sitting on.
"Very well," Remus nodded. "What else do you see?"
"The gravel. My shoes," The Slytherin continued. "... There's a bit of grass around the leg of the bench." She looked up, eyes trailing over Remus until they stuck to something on his chest. "And your tie. It's... It's a bit wonky, Professor. It looks like you tried binding it with your eyes closed."
The comment hit Remus so out of the blue that he barked out a relieved laughter, and he sat back on his feet as he looked down at his, admittedly, not so well-made tie. "I suppose you're right. I was never good at that." he chuckled and looked back at his student.
The restless air around her wasn't entirely gone, but her shoulders weren't drawn in anymore and a shaky grin graced her lips. "It's kinda similar to when my younger brother does it. I always have to help him get it right." she admitted shyly, bringing out another chuckle from Remus.
"You should teach me then!" he joked and got up to sit next to his student, hands crossing neatly on his lap. "How are you feeling now, Anika? This panic attack you had just now was not a light one."
Anika looked down at her feet, wavy hair hiding her face like a dark curtain. "I'm... okay. I don't think it'll come back." she muttered. Remus knew by instinct that the situation wasn't solved.
"That's very good indeed." he nodded and looked up, eyes instinctively finding the stars he always found, no matter where he was. "This is in no way a demand; If you ever want to talk about what it is that triggered this panic attack, my door is wide open for you."
For a long time there was no answer, only silence. When Remus finally looked over at his students, he saw tears, slowly dropping down on Anika's skirt and leaving behind wet dots. Without a word, he drew out a fresh tissue and held it to the young girl, who eagerly accepted it to dry her tears.
"It's stupid..." she whispered in a choked up voice as she wiped her eyes, but Remus gently interrupted.
"If it affects you so much then no, it isn't. Our feelings are something we should always take seriously, including anger, and even panic." he mused. "As uncomfortable as panic attacks are... Sometimes, they're trying to tell us something."
Anika took a moment to herself to calm down, not answering, but Remus could see that his words lifted some of the weight off her heart.
"It's about a Herbology exam on Thursday." she said then, and the tissue became crinkled in her tightened grip. "I know that I'm intelligent, I have never not excelled in any of my classes, even Arithmancy! And yet..."
Remus waited patiently, admiring the stars above them as Anika collected herself.
"There is... something in Herbology that I just... can't grasp. We've thoroughly gone through the same exact topic for the past weeks and I just... I just can't get it right!"
As soon as the words left her mouth, more tears fell down. "I don't... I don't understand why this is happening!" she sobbed. "I can remember countless of complicated spells, I can brew the most advanced potions, so why can't I do this one, simple thing right? What's wrong with me?!"
"Now now there, missy," the professor reprimanded gently, and again his fatherly hand found Anika's shoulder. "Remember what we did earlier? Breathe in for four seconds, then breathe out."
Indeed, Anika followed his instructions easily, breathing deeply until she was a little better. Remus gave her a minute before he began his speech.
"I hardly believe that there is something wrong with you." he started off. "I have you in my class as well, do I not? And I believe that you are an incredible witch with a brilliant mind."
It was true. Anika's ability to grasp new concepts was outstanding, and while she did tend to limit her own creativity, she undeniably was very intelligent. Along with a few others, Anika questioned Remus the most on topics, which he very much liked.
"We can't always get everything right to a T, Anika." Remus continued, smiling softly when the student looked up at him. "Your struggles may say a bit about you as a whole, but not even nearly as much as your achievements do. Do you understand? Don't let this undermine the work you've shown so far."
Anika nodded quietly and continued to wipe her eyes, bottom lip still trembling a little.
"And just between the two of us," Remus' smile turned into a soft grin. "Herbology seems easy at the beginning, but is incredibly exhausted and complicated for the long run. Why do you think Professor Sprout has more vacation?"
That finally liftened Anika's spirits, leaving an amused smile on her face. "That's not entirely untrue," she agreed, giggling softly.
"Exactly." Remus nodded proudly before he became serious again. "Professor Sprout can be a bit intimidating at times with her... social tendencies, but she's a very understanding and good-natured person. You can always come to her in private and ask for her help, she'll understand!"
"Really?" Anika seemed so unsure, it instantly reminded Remus of himself.
"Yes, truly." he assured her, and his grin turned sheepish. "I must know, because when I was a student, just a bit younger than you, I had incredible difficulties taking care of a plant that Professor Sprout had given to me as a project.
I didn't want to admit that I needed help, until she came to me herself because she saw my struggles. She told me of some of her own experiences, gave me advice, and of course a few books as good guides for this specific plant. It was a lot." he laughed as he reminisced about long hours stuck in the same books about nature, farming and planting, until he finally got it right.
"But beyond that, she also gave me a little more time on the project and didn't seem upset even just once when I had even more difficulty understanding what she was telling me."
He casually noticed that above them, the sky was entirely void of the moon usually illuminating it. Remus should've felt relief about it, because it meant that full moon was still a bit away. But today he found that he missed the sight of it.
"Professor Sprout is a calm, gentle woman, and all she wants is to make sure that one, her students are learning something and two, they see what she sees in nature. She's absolutely willing to help you, Anika."
Anika stared off into the distance, eyes wide and yet far away. Remus knew that she did nothing but truly take his words to heart.
"You just have to let her." he finished, getting up and grabbing his bag. "And once you've taken that first step then there's nothing stopping you from taking more. Sound good?"
Anika nodded softly, taking the tissue and blowing her nose while Remus reached into his bag, hand automatically finding the pocket he reserved for something very specific. "Here, take this. A wonderful defense against negative feelings." he said gently as he held a piece of chocolate to Anika.
"Oh, um..." She looked awkwardly at the offering, then at Remus. "I'm sorry, but I'm not so good with lactose... I can't really eat chocolate."
"I know," Remus smiled and handed her the piece. "It's lactose free. It may be a little bit less sweet than regular milk chocolate, though. Come on, let's get you to Slytherin's dungeon before the clock hits ten."
That brought an incredible, brilliant smile on Anika's face and she happily chowed down as she too got up.
Even while on the way to her common room, Remus continued to distract her by questioning her on an assignment she had recently handed in for his class. Maybe he was a bit mean, asking difficult questions that not every student could know, but Anika was good. The few times she indeed did not know, she didn't welt under his gaze anymore and instead admitted to it.
Indeed, Anika Singh had a lot of potential, and right before the entrance to the dungeons he made sure to tell her that no one and nothing could take this potential away from her. Especially not her panic attacks.
After that faithful evening, things stayed the same.
Remus still left chocolate on the desks of those with a particularly hard day, he still dedicated a chunk of his classes to lifting his students' mood, and he still went particularly easy on those who couldn't help but flinch under his gaze.
A few days later, he overheard Anika talk excitedly to her friend about how she finally understood the current topic in Herbology, and when she caught him walking past her, she gave him a smile that reminded him a little bit of Lily Potter. The same brilliant spark in her eyes, yet the same honest warmth on her face.
Indeed, things barely changed after that. And yet... It all seemed different.
There was an energy in Remus' steps that he didn't have before, and each day he felt a little more joy when he stepped into his classroom and found his students to be almost equally as content as he felt.
But then, a few days before the next full moon, something happened that nearly gave him a heart attack.
It was only by chance that he spotted it, the silhouette of a person on the tower of Ravenclaw. At first glance it all seemed normal, like there was simply another lost soul looking for solace in the stars. But Remus knew.
"Don't do it, dear."
Having run up several stairs and hallways, his panting came out harsh and a little shallow, and yet his voice was as gentle as always.
He knew that little distance to the edge, so close that the toes were just barely still on solid ground.
The boy slowly turned around, face covered in tear tracks and so hopeless. The kind of hopelessness that wasn't new, not to the werewolf.
Despite the darkness, barely cut through by the waxing moon, he realized that this was a boy he didn't know. Perhaps a 6th or 7th year student that simply didn't take Remus' class.
"W-what?" the boy stuttered, nose clogged and eyes so red that Remus could see it from afar.
"Don't do it. Please." Remus repeated and stepped a little closer, hands raised up as if he were speaking to a scared animal. "Whatever it is that pushes you to go this far... Please, think it through."
The boy didn't answer, only sniffled and looked back to the edge. The unsure expression on his face filled Remus with relief.
"What's your name? I don't think I ever saw you in one of my classes." he said then, taking another step closer, but not yet within reach of the boy.
The dark-haired student, a Ravenclaw judging by the blue tie, shuddered and carefully looked back to him. "Peter," he whispered. "Peter Armillo."
Something in Remus' chest flayed open, filled his heart up to the brim with pain. Peter. His dear friend*...
"Peter," Remus nodded and tried to smile, though he could imagine that it came out more wonky than true. "I am Remus Lu... Remus. Here, do you want to take my hand? Get a little away from that edge there?" He held out his hand, hoping, but Peter, shuddering again, leaned away from him just the slightest bit.
"If... If I come to you," the student whispered and looked off into the darkness below, then back to Remus. "What will happen?"
Oh, Remus realizes. Peter's scared, not of Remus himself but rather what he would do - if he would report this, or worse, dismiss it and punish the boy. Remus heard it all before.
"Nothing you should be afraid of," he said gently, and instead of closing in more, he simply leaned against the railing separating him from Peter. "No, really. I'd help you off the railing. It's rather chilly here, and I have a warm fireplace in my office, so..." He held out his hand again, but Peter looked even more unnerved.
From the corner of his eye, Remus saw Peter's hand slowly loosen, causing every single alarm glock in the werewolf's head to go off.
"Listen," he began, trying a different approach. This may be his last chance, after all. "A long, long time ago I was where you are. Literally, I stood right there," he loosely pointed at Peter, "where you are now."
Peter didn't answer, only stayed quiet as he stared into the abyss below.
"And the reason why I'm still here is that I couldn't stop thinking about the aftermath, and about what ifs." Remus confessed then. Every part of his being was absolutely unwilling to share this secret, because he had never told anyone. Not even James, or Sirius.
"I couldn't stop thinking about the person who would find me lying on the ground, how it would affect them. Nor about the people in my house or my year who, while barely speaking to me, still knew me by name and face. Who would have to tell my family the bad news? I couldn't stop thinking about... About how my friends would feel, knowing that I left them behind by committing the worst crime there is."
Remus couldn't stop thinking about the faces his friends would make. He couldn't stop thinking about James, couldn't stop imagining his dark eyes, usually so full of life, filled to the brim with tears and void of any spark.
He couldn't stop thinking about Peter, who already felt like the weakest link of their group, only to be left completely broken and sobbing. Because knowing him, he would blame himself for not being good enough, not even to save his friend.
He couldn't... Couldn't stop thinking about Sirius. Sirius and his dark curls, his crazy fashion, his confident persona and the thoughtful, scarred little boy behind it, already so hurt and scared.
What would be left of that boy, if Remus were gone? What would be left of Sirius? What would happen to the fierce, loyal and confident Gryffindor that Remus had grown to love, truly love?
"At some point, an image had burned itself into my brain." Remus sighed, as if remembering that he wasn't back in the 1970s with a million unsolvable issues on his back. "An image of every single person to have ever known me, and even just by face. What they would think if they found out that I was gone. And then I began to realize that the hole in my chest was not nearly as big as the hole I would leave behind if I jumped."
He carefully looked back to Peter, who had gone from staring at the abyss to staring at his own hand. Small, crystal clear tears rolled down his cheeks as his fingers clutched the railing so hard that his knuckles turned white.
Remus knew. He knew that feeling, the overwhelming guilt mixed with the absolute exhaustion. The realization of what you were about to do, dawning on you and taking away your energy the way a black hole took from a star.
"It's so easy to convince ourselves that we're so insignificant, that our death would mean freedom for everyone." he whispered and gently, very gently, reached out and played a hand on the boy's shoulder. "And I know that whatever it is that made you come up here, it must be big. But there are people who would rather go over the same problems thrice than have to lose you."
Peter began to shake. First, it was only his shoulders and knees. Then it got to his legs, and his hands, and soon the boy shivered like a leaf in the wind.
"I think we all tend to forget that death is the one thing you can't ever reverse. Death is eternal, Peter, and if you make that jump," he urged on as he stepped closer again, "Then you will never get to live again. You will never taste your favorite food again, or hear your favorite music.
You won't get to chat with Hogwarts ghosts, or see your favorite people waiting for you from across the hall. And most importantly, you won't feel the satisfaction of proving wrong every single person who has ever doubted you, including yourself."
Finally, Peter turned around and looked at Remus, eyes glazed over from tears and grief for a life he hadn't yet lived. Then, he slowly looked down at the hand that had slipped from his shoulder, and now hovered palm-up towards him.
"Please, Peter. Give yourself one more chance to prove them wrong." Remus whispered. Peter inhaled deeply and without a word, began moving.
No words could describe the immense relief in Remus when Peter took his hand and climbed away from the edge.