A Forced Fall
“Please, please Moony, you- you don’t understand. Please just let me-”. Sirius begged them to hear him out, he had an explanation, and yes, he knows it's partly his fault, but he swears it wasn’t on purpose.
“No! I don’t want to hear you fucking excuses, Sirius, this was too far, you need to go. Just go!” Remus yelled at him. He actually yelled at Sirius, he had never done that before. He was always so careful not to yell at the boy, but not now, not today, probably never again. He no longer deserved that privilege, not after this.
“Just get out, get the fuck out Sirius. I can’t believe you, fuck I can’t even look at you right now, so just leave. I don’t want to see you right now.” Remus was back up in the dorm after 3 days in the hospital wing.
Those 3 days have been the longest of Sirius’ life, 3 days since he experienced one of the worst things in his life, 3 days of silence, 3 days of James and Peter not even being able to look at him. 3 days that will probably represent the rest of his life.
“I- yea. Ok, I’m going. I love you, Moony. I love you so much. I’m sorry.”
“No you Don’t and I don’t want your damn sorry. I want you to leave so just get out.”
The other boys watched as the boy they had considered their friend and confidant leave the room as a traitor. Sirius started walking, and once he started, he couldn’t stop, he walked and walked, and walked; he walked as Padfoot, he walked through the forest, he walked until the sun rose and his legs gave out.
Hours later, he opened his eyes, he saw the forest surrounding him, the trees, the leaves, all of it. He ran to the edge of the forest before turning back into himself for the rest of the journey back. Merlin, he didn't even know how long he had been asleep for. He didn’t even know what time it was or what classes he had missed.
Fuck it, he already missed a few of his classes today so whats a few more, he thought as he walked back up to the castle. He walked to where he knows the come and go room is and hoped the door would appear. He would understand if it didn’t, if even the castle knew what a horrible person he was, that he didn’t deserve it. But to his surprise, a door appeared right in front of him, leading into a small room with a bed and a desk in it. It was kinda like the guest bedroom at Potter Manor, the room he had stayed in after when was able to visit this last Christmas, the room he would probably never see again. The same one was supposed to be shared with Remus in just a few weeks, the one that Remus would now be staying in without him.
Sirius feels the tears start to fall, and he lets them. He knows he shouldn’t, he doesn’t get to be upset about this. This is his own fault; his mother was right. he ruins everything, everything he touches, everyone he loves, and he kills it. He should have been stronger, should have been able to fight Snape out of his mind to be able to keep Remus’ secret safe, but he couldn’t. As soon as Snape had him frozen and cornered, he was gone. He was back at Grimmauld Place, back with his mother, and he was done for. He was done for, and he deserved it. He deserved everything that his mother was going to do to him when he was home. All the abuse, all punches, all the hits, all the curses, he deserved every single one.
But even though he didn’t deserve it, to allow the hurt to consume him, just this once, he would let himself fall apart, he let himself sob, he let himself lose himself in his emotions, and he let himself cry until he can’t anymore. Sirius doesn’t know how he cries for, all he knows is by the end of it he's exhausted, so even though he knows he shouldn’t and he has no right to, he climbs into the large bed in the center of the room and lets himself fall into a restless sleep.
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Sirius woke up feeling worse than he did when he went to sleep; the hours of tossing and turning didn’t seem to help him regain his energy. His joints were achy, his head was pounding, and he really just felt like the dead. The guilt that had been growing in his gut for the past few days had reached an all-time high. His limbs were heavy, and his head was foggy. Everything felt like it was too much, like it was all too heavy to manage, as if he was being suffocated alive. He felt too weak to get up, he didn’t want to do this anymore; he didn’t want to do anything at all. He didn’t even want to be alive.
But he promised Remus, he promised him that he wouldn’t hurt himself anymore, that he wouldn’t try to kill himself again. He also promised James and Regulus, too. And he coucldn’t break another promise to them, so he just lied there. He lay in that bed with that crushing weight on his chest and the ache in his heart. He lay there for what seemed like forever, only leaving the bed to use the bathroom and nothing else. He wasn’t crying anymore; he just laid there, feeling the crushing pain and hurt or nothing at all.
After however long of that, he realized that he was probably in trouble for neglecting his classes for however long and even though he didn’t want to do anything, he gathered himself and tried to force his way to her classroom. The trudged down the castle hallways was excruciating. It felt like walking through sludge. As Sirius walked through the old hallways, all he wished was that the floor would open up and swallow him whole. As he approached the transfiguration classroom, the dark-haired boy felt the dread in his boy multiply tenfold. He walked into an active class late, evidently by the way all of his classmates were staring at him. Hell, if the boy was being honest, he didn’t even know that it was already time for the class; he just wanted to have a word with Professor McGongall. Sirius hadn’t even realized it was that late in the day already.
“It's a pleasure for you to finally join us, Mr.Black.” Professor McGongall looked at him with a look masked with concern. “Well, Mr.Black, are you going to take your seat?” she asked. It seemed like the older woman was running out of patience.
“Oh, um. Yes, of course, professor, sorry.” The dark-haired boy responded, quickly taking a seat in one of the empty desks at the back of the classroom. He saw James glance back at him, the bronze-skinned boy giving him a look of what looked like confusion and concern before turning back to face Professor McGongall and the front of the classroom, causing Sirius to shrivel up even more.
Merlin, what was he thinking? This was a mistake, he shouldn’t have come here. He shouldn’t even be allowed to be in school; his mother was right: he just messes everything up. Sirius doesn’t know how long he sits there not paying attention to whatever Professor McGongall is saying, but as soon as he hears the bell ring, he feels himself shoot up, and he sprints out of the classroom. He might have heard some people yell his name, but he truly isn’t sure; he just keeps going. He goes until he gets to the forbidden forest so he can turn into Padfoot again.
It's easier being Padfoot at times like this, when everything is too much and overwhelming. When he no longer wants to be a person anymore, when he no longer wants to be alive, he can turn into that black dog and hide away from everything. He survived summers at Grimwald Place like this, and he would survive this too, or at least he hoped he would.
In times like these, Sirius allows Padfoot to consume him. When everything is too much, he finds comfort in the fur on his back and the ground beneath his paws. He allows himself to be taken over by the wind blowing through his fur and the noises of nature. Padfoot let the forest consume him, to allow himself to get lost between the trees and to curl up under the leaves.
When he's Padfoot, it's easier to neglect himself, to ignore the hunger in his gut, the knots in his hair, and the smell that has stared to cling to his skin after who knows how long of not showering. It's easier to ignore the loneliness that pangs deep inside his gut and the way he wishes he could make it all go away. It's easier to ignore the thoughts in his head that tells him that maybe he should take a blade and litter his arms with those deep red cuts again or the one that says that he should lean just a little too far off the astronomy tower. When he's Padfoot, it's easier to ignore those.