Ever since Regulus was a little boy he would always run to Sirius.
It didn’t matter if he was hurt and sad right after he tripped in the hallway of their home, his knees slightly red and burning from the dark carpet. Sirius would always be the first person on his mind, and he would rush up to his brother’s room and straight into his arms.
It didn’t matter if he had just finished reading his book and the ending took his breath away and, in his little mind, it was unexpected and beautiful and perfect, and he needed someone to listen to him talk for hours about it. He would, yet again, run to Sirius’s room.
It didn’t matter if his mother got mad at him for something little and unimportant that he did, grabbing Regulus roughly by his upper arm and dragging him away, not caring how much pain she was causing her youngest son. Once Regulus was free of whatever punishment his mother deemed necessary, he would always run to Sirius, knowing his older brother would make it better.
Growing up, Regulus never even dreamt that his brother would be far away from him and not just across the hall. In his mind they were always together, joined at the hip, never further away from one another than a few feet.
His little bubble was bursted cruelly and painfully when his mother laughed at his innocent face, her voice full of malice as she destroyed every single dream that Regulus had of never being separated from his brother. Walburga wasn’t pleased that Sirius was going to Hogwarts, in her mind he could learn so much more at home, carefully growing into a dark wizard underneath her watchful eyes and sharp tongue. She would make sure that, by the time he came of age, a strong Black heir would be standing in the place of an angry stubborn boy.
But it did bring her great satisfaction to see the dreams shattering in Regulus’s eyes at the news of his brother going away for an entire year. It filled her with great joy to see all the hope disappearing from his eyes, the same way it disappeared in hers when she was close to Regulus’s age.
The only person who seemed somewhat happy about the entire thing was Sirius. The young boy was over the moon about the fact that he was leaving the cold narrow hallways of the house and its dark cunning magic behind. Even though Sirius’s dreams were filled with Hogwarts and everything the school had to offer, he would always wake up from those dreams with a sharp gasp, sweat clinging to his skin and clothes as he tried to get the image of Regulus’s scared face out of his mind.
Sirius might be going away, but he was still leaving his little brother behind. The thought didn’t sit right with him, but there was nothing he could do. Regulus was one year younger than him and he didn’t get his letter yet and Sirius didn’t know if he could smuggle Regulus with him without one.
The older Black sibling tried to think of something, anything, that might help him bring Regulus with him, but no matter what he thought of or tried, in the end it was futile. Sirius would have to leave Regulus behind, and he slowly started to dread the day all his biggest dreams had come true.
Unfortunately, the day came sooner rather than later, and Regulus found himself waving to his brother on the platform 9 ¾, watching him enter the Hogwarts Express. Almost as soon as Sirius got on the train, he found the nearest compartment, barging in, not even saying hello to a pretty boy with terrible scars adoring his small face as Sirius opened the window, calling out for his brother and screaming how he missed him already. Sirius’s smile was as wide as Regulus’s while the two brothers waved at each other, only when the train began to move did the sinking feeling return and Regulus realized what was happening.
Sirius was leaving him. His older brother was leaving, and he won’t be back for a few months at least.
Regulus’s eyes began to sting as he bit his bottom lip, digging his nails in the palm of his hand as he thought about running after the train. He didn’t know whether he would rather beg the train operator to let Sirius get off and come back home with him or would Regulus just jump on the train and join his brother at Hogwarts a year earlier than he was supposed to.
It’s like his mother could sense all the thoughts that were clouding Regulus’s mind as she placed a firm boney hand on his shoulder, making sure the boy didn’t move from his place on the platform.
“Let’s go.” She said, pulling Regulus away, but the boy still managed to turn his face one last time to see the train fading away through his blurry vision.
That night was the first night that Regulus cried all by himself, with no soft words to comfort him and promise him that everything was going to be alright, with no long skinny arms to wrap around him and act like a shield, protecting him from the rest of the world, but most importantly from his parents.
That night was the first night Regulus was truly alone, and he wished it was the last one. He wished that after that one year of Sirius being away at Hogwarts was the last time he had been away from his brother for so long, but the next year, when it was his time to go to Hogwarts and when it was his time to get sorted into one of the four houses, he was once again alone.
Regulus was alone because the hat on top of his head shouted “Slytherin!” loud and proud, but he felt anything but. Especially when he looked over at his brother, only to see him glaring at Regulus as his friends all shook their heads, not even hiding their distaste. Regulus tried to talk with Sirius after dinner, desperately trying to explain to him that he didn’t have a choice and that he had to get sorted into Slytherin because their mother wanted to, but Sirius didn’t want to hear it. He completely ignored his younger brother as he left the Great Hall, his face turned away and his steps sure and unstoppable even when Regulus’s voice broke as he desperately called out for him.
The first night Regulus spent at Hogwarts was by far the worst one. Usually, back at Grimmauld Place he could always sneak into Sirius’s room if his racing thoughts became too much or if the sun was slowly rising and he had yet to close his eyes. Even though Sirius wasn’t there, the room smelled just like him and it gave Regulus enough comfort to finally fall asleep, even if it was only for a few hours.
At Hogwarts Regulus didn’t have that. He did have his brother, and he occasionally saw him during mealtimes in the Great Hall or in the hallways in between classes, but at night he didn’t have Sirius to comfort him, he didn’t even have Sirius’s pillow to hide his face in when it all became too much.
So, Regulus learned to deal with it on his own, if his brother could ignore him and act like he wasn’t there then he could do the same. If his brother didn’t need to hold him at night or else he wouldn’t get a blink of sleep, then Regulus would learn to do the same. Regulus could do it and, for a short few weeks it seemed to work. The boy started focusing more and more on his classes, learning every bit of material, spending hours and hours in the library until he had it all memorized and until he would know the words even if someone woke him up in the middle of the night. Regulus walked around the whole castle before the curfew just so he would be as tired as possible when it was finally time for him to go to bed and he always made sure to read the most boring book he could find in the library so by the time it was late enough, his eyes would be closing on their own.
It all seemed to go wonderfully and even though there was a huge hole right in the middle of Regulus’s chest that seemed to ache every time he caught a glimpse of his brother, Regulus pushed it away. He knew it would always be there, it would always follow him, but he didn’t have the luxury to dwell too much into it otherwise his sleep would suffer and consequently his grades and then his mother would find out about it and he would be nothing else but a disappointment to her and the family. No, Regulus had to ignore it.
And he did. He ignored it as long as he could until it all became too much and until he was waking up one night, a thick vale of panic wrapped around his heart as he clutched his chest, willing his heart to calm down and his lungs to take in some air, but it wasn’t working. Regulus could feel sweat dripping down his neck, the cold air of the dungeon causing him to shiver and his limbs to shake even more as he grabbed his wand and pushed the covers off his body.
Regulus didn’t care how loud he was and that he might have woken up Barty and Evan as he opened the door of their dorm room and stumbled out. His vision was still blurry from how quickly he got up and he could still hear Sirius’s voice in his head, full of malice as his sharp words stabbed Regulus over and over again until there were tears streaming down his face.
I hate you, Reggie.
You’re just like them Reggie.
You disgust me, Reggie.
You’re a disappointment Reggie.
You’re not my brother.
The last sentence made Regulus stop in his tracks as he held himself up by leaning against the wall. He has yet to take full breath of air, and he has yet to stop shaking, but somehow all those things could barely compare with the fear of those words being true. Sirius has been avoiding him for the last two months and during those two months Regulus was the one who would always seek out Sirius, desperately hoping his brother would meet his eyes so could it be true? Did Sirius really hate him?
Even if Sirius did hate him, Regulus had to see his brother. He had to see him even if he knew Sirius would ignore him or yell at him, he didn’t care. He needed his older brother to make it better because he was tired of constantly being alone, of keeping all these thoughts to himself. Regulus just needed Sirius for one night and then the older boy could go on and act like he hates Regulus all over again.
“I need to go inside.” Regulus whispered, touching the portrait of the Fat Lady who was soundly sleeping, loud snores escaping her colored lips as she leaned her head back against the chair.
“I need to see my brother.” Regulus said again, raising his voice and it seemed to have done the trick because the Fat Lady was slowly coming to her senses, her eyes widening when she realized who was standing in front of her as she pointed her finger at him.
“It’s past curfew, dear. I’ll have to report you.” She said, fixing her dress and raising her nose up high like she wasn’t just caught sleeping in a very not lady-like way.
“Let me in.” Regulus whispered, tears forming in his eyes as he rubbed his chest, willing the pain to go away. “I need to see my brother Sirius.” He explained, hoping the portrait would take some pity on him, but luck was never on his side, it always belonged to his brother.
“You are outside way past curfew; you are not a Gryffindor, and you don’t even know the password.” The Fat Lady continued, completely ignoring the young boy who was getting paler and paler by the minute as he wrapped his arms around himself, trying to keep it all together, but he could feel his sanity slipping by the minute.
He could faintly hear the Fat Lady talking about something, but he was desperately trying not to pass out in front of the Gryffindor common room because that would just be embarrassing, that he wasn’t too focused on her words.
“Are you alright, dear? You don’t look good. Just wait here until Professor Mcgonagall or Professor Slughorn get you to the infirmary room.” The portrait said as Regulus’s eyes widened, looking up at the portrait as he desperately tried to remember the password. Barty was the one who knew all the passwords to every single common room and his excuse was the fact that maybe one of them would need it, well Regulus needed it now, but he couldn’t remember what it was for the love of him.
It had something to do with bravery, Regulus was sure of it. If he could only remember the rest of it…
“Fearless cat!” Regulus almost shouted, knowing he was right when the Fat Lady’s eyes widened for a second before she frowned at him, crossing her arms over her chest.
“How did you-”
“Please, let me in. I need to see my brother.” Regulus cut her off, not caring that he was being rude and that he would probably get a slap on the cheek if his mother was there. He would probably get more than a slap on the cheek if his mother knew where he was and who he was trying to get to.
“Well, alright. You guessed the password.” The Fat Lady sighed in the end, opening the door for him. “Your brother was the one who begged me to change the password into that and I sai-” She continued, but Regulus wasn’t listening to her anymore, he was just glad that he made it inside.
Although he didn’t take more than a few steps before he stopped dead in his tracks, a fresh set of tears gathering in his eyes when he realized he didn’t know where to go. Sirius never invited him in the Gryffindor common room, let alone his dorm room and Regulus never dared to ask. He was regretting all of that now when he realized he was utterly lost and there was not a single person he could ask.
“What do I do?” He asked himself, ignoring how warm and comfortable the Gryffindor common room was, completely opposite of what he was used to in the dungeons. Although he would choose the dungeon over this any day, especially now when he started to sweat all over again and when Sirius’s cruel words returned to haunt him.
“Regulus?” A kind calm voice spoke on Regulus’s left as the curly-haired boy turned around, getting slightly dizzy from his actions as his eyes fell on a boy. He was taller than Regulus, although not by much, and Regulus couldn’t figure out if the boy was skinny and that’s why his clothes didn’t fit him quite right or perhaps, they were too big for him, and he has yet to grow into them. His hair was light brown, slightly curling near the edges with dark roots and thin golden glasses sitting on top of his nose that he took off so he could look at Regulus better. Only then did Regulus notice the book in the taller boy’s lap so he guessed he only used the glasses for reading. The last thing Regulus noticed on the boy were all the scars covering his face and any other surface of his skin that was visible to Regulus and only then did he recognize the boy as one of Sirius’s friends.
“I need to see my brother, where is he?” Regulus asked the boy, not trying to remember the boy’s name although he did know it, but he was still under the influence of that awful nightmare to care.
For a few long seconds the boy didn’t say anything, silently taking in Regulus’s shaking form and sweat covered skin and the way he swayed on his feet like he was going to pass out any second. The boy slowly got up, checking the page of the book before closing it and slowly walking towards the younger boy.
“I can take you to him.” Remus offered, smiling gently at the younger boy who didn’t return it, but Remus didn’t take it the wrong way. It was obvious something happened to Regulus and that he was out of it because he kept tripping over his own feet and if Remus didn’t catch him every single time, he would have broken his nose by now. When they finally arrived in front of the dorm room that Remus shared with Sirius and the others, he opened the door and let Regulus inside.
The last thing he did, before returning downstairs to his book, was point out Sirius’s bed to Regulus who immediately walked towards it, ripping the curtains away before getting in. The younger boy moved the covers away, placing his head on the pillow as he stared at his brother for a minute, just taking in his face and how much he changed ever since he came to Hogwarts.
Sirius looked happier. He looked healthier and Regulus knew it was because he was far away from the house they called a home. Could it also be that Sirius was happier because he was far away from Regulus? Was Regulus also bringing him down?
I shouldn’t have come here. Regulus thought, the panic in his chest returning as vivid scenes of his dream flashed in front of his eyes. Perhaps there was some truth to his dream, perhaps Sirius really hated him. The only reason why he went searching for his brother in the dead of the night is because he needed Sirius to tell him that it wasn’t true, that his own mind was just playing tricks on him and that they were still brothers and they had each other’s back, but being here, in Sirius’s own dorm, and remembering everything that happened during the last few months was all the proof Regulus needed that things did change between them and he wasn’t so sure anymore that Sirius wanted to fix it.
Regulus sat up, about to throw the covers off his body and leave the Gryffindor common room when a hand grasped his wrist, stopping him in his tracks.
“Regulus? What are you doing here?” Sirius asked him groggily, rubbing his eyes and running his fingers through his hair, trying to remove it from his face, but it had a mind of its own and it only fell back over Sirius’s eyes, covering half of his vision.
“It’s nothing, Sirius.” Regulus started, biting the inside of his cheek and hoping Sirius wouldn’t be able to hear how shaky his voice was. “I’m sorry for waking you up.” Regulus finished, pulling at Sirius’s hand, trying to get out of bed, but his brother didn’t let him get far. Instead, he pulled him closer towards his body, Regulus falling on his back both from Sirius’s strength and because he really didn't have it in himself to fight his brother over this. He was tired of fighting him.
“What happened? Did you have a nightmare?” Sirius whispered in his ear, making sure Regulus’s entire body was covered with a blanket as he relaxed against the bed, getting comfortable on his back and maneuvering his younger brother until he had his head on his chest.
To say that Regulus was taken back would be an understatement. Sirius wasn’t mad at him, he wasn’t demanding to know how Regulus got into their common room let alone their dorm room. Sirius wasn’t asking him about getting sorted into Slytherin nor did he sound angry that Regulus had woken him up when they all had classes early in the morning.
Sirius was asking him what happened and if he had a nightmare. The younger sibling briefly got flashbacks of Grimmauld Place when he would sneak into Sirius’s bed, back when they were younger and when neither of them was even thinking about going to Hogwarts or anywhere else for that matter. And even though Regulus hated the house he called a home, and he was scared of his parents, he desperately missed the relationship he and his brother had, when everything was so simple and easy and when it was just the two of them against the whole world.
“I’m so sorry, Sirius.” Regulus cried out, not being able to hold it in any longer. “I’m so sorry for getting sorted into Slytherin, but mother said I had to, and I was so scared of disappointing her and of what she might do once I come back home for Christmas, but I didn’t want you to hate me, please don’t hate me.” Regulus continued, not caring that he might wake up Sirius’s friends or that he was crying all over Sirius’s shirt and getting it dirty. Regulus didn’t care anymore; he was just tired of it all. Of how much things have changed during the last year, and he didn’t even notice it until it was too late and until he and Sirius were drifting apart.
“Shhh Reggie, please stop crying. You know I don’t like it when you cry.” Sirius comforted him, running his fingers through Regulus’s hair and tightening his hold around his brother, knowing Regulus needed something to ground him when he was like this and when his thoughts became too much for him.
“I’m so sorry, Sirius, but I miss you so much and I hate that you’re so close to me and yet you won’t even look at me or talk to me and I know it’s all my fault and I don’t know how to fix it because I know I messed up, but it’s all too muc-”
“Reggie, you need to breathe, alright? You need to breathe for me and then we’ll talk once you calmed down, but I don’t hate you Reggie. I can never hate you. You’re my little brother; you’ll always be my little brother no matter what you say or do.” Sirius assured him, tears forming in his own eyes as excruciating pain wrapped around his heart.
Sirius was angry when Regulus got sorted into Slytherin. He was so angry, and he felt so hurt and betrayed by his own little brother that he couldn’t stand to look at him let alone talk to him. He knew he was being mean when he pushed Regulus away that first night. Sirius knew Regulus was afraid and he just needed someone to be there for him, but Sirius didn’t have it in him to be that someone, at least not that night.
But Sirius was also terrified. He was terrified that his little brother would become just like his parents, just like any other family member that they grew up with and that were proud of that darkness that seemed to reside within all of them.
Sirius knew he was a Black, he held that name with little to no pride, but his younger brother was different. Regulus was brave and smart and strong, but he also had a big heart. He was naive and he still loved and cared for their family even though Sirius wanted nothing more than to see that house being burnt to the ground. Regulus wasn’t like that, he still thought there was a little good hiding underneath the flooring of their house and in the tapestry, perhaps behind the dark curtains or in the walls of the house that was old as time itself.
Regulus wasn’t like him and Sirius took it out on him, but perhaps he should have been there for his little brother. Perhaps he should have shown him that he is so much more than what their mother tells him he must be.
“I’m sorry, Regulus.” Sirius whispered in Regulus’s hair, feeling how his brother stiffened at his words and stopped crying immediately.
“Wait, what? Why are you apologizing?” Regulus asked him, lifting his head so he could look at Sirius, but it was way too dark for that so in the end he gave up and lay back down again.
“For ignoring you for all those months.” Sirius started, staring at the ceiling of his bed. “I was just so angry and scared and lost and I didn't know what to do or how to talk to you about it, so I just ignored it all and pretended it wasn’t happening.” Sirius explained, knowing he wasn’t being fair because he had friends who made it easy to pretend and to act like nothing ever happened when he knew his younger brother wasn’t as lucky. Sirius knew about Barty and Evan, but so far, those two boys weren’t Regulus’s close friends which meant that his brother was dealing with it all by himself.
“I forgive you.” Regulus said in the end, getting comfortable by Siris’s side as his older brother glanced down at him. Sirius smiled and after a while he closed his eyes, relaxing against the pillow.
“I forgive you too.” Sirius said, aware that he was the one that was supposed to apologize and not Regulus, but he also knew his brother and he knew that Regulus wouldn’t feel like all was forgiven and like they were alright if he didn’t say those words.
“Promise me that you’ll never leave me?” Regulus whispered and even though Sirius was half asleep he still managed to smack a kiss on the top of Regulus’s head.
“I promise.”