Chapter Eight
When Taylor wakes up, she’s alone. She debates whether she should go and find Karlie. The model could be asleep, after all she’s become so dysregulated that it feels like time doesn’t exist. It takes a second but eventually her slow brain realises that she could just check her phone to figure out what time it is. It’s lying on the bed side table so she picks up. Apparently it’s 8:30. She clearly didn’t sleep for long. What woke her? It doesn’t take long to convince herself to get out of bed and go find Karlie. She decides to check the kitchen but the model isn’t there. As she approaches the living room she can hear Karlie talk. Who is she talking to? She pushes the door open and Karlie looks up.
“Tay, awake already?”
“Yeah. I don’t know why I woke up. Who are you talking to?”
Her question is answered by a stroppy child’s voice coming through the phone.
“Mummy” It says. “I want to hear the rest of your story.”
That’s all it takes for her body to suddenly have enough energy to bolt. She runs to the bathroom and throws up what little remained of the cereal she ate earlier and God knows what else. Bile mostly. A hand scoops her hair out the way. Tears are flowing and a sob is building in her throat.
“Oh baby.” Karlie says. “I’m sorry.”
“I didn’t mean to it’s just…you have a family Kar. It’s been so long. Things are so different. We’ve missed so much.”
“But I’m here right now. To help you get through this. Focus on that.”
“What about after.”
“Why don’t we focus on actually getting there first.” She nods and Karlie wraps an arm around her. “Let’s get something for you to eat. I have a feeling that part of why you woke up is being Hungry. Fancy the spaghetti and meatball dish you like?”
Taylor nods thinking about how if she did have to eat something right now it would definitely be that. How does Karlie still know exactly what sort of food she would want? First the cereal, which admittedly didn’t work but very much could have and now this. It’s a thought she has to try and shove out her brain the best she can. Not that she has much control over her thoughts in this state. Karlie leads her out the room and too the kitchen.
“Do you feel rested at all?” Karlie asks her, starting to grab the ingredients she needs.
“No.”
“Ok. Then it’s an early night. I want you in bed by 10:30.”
“That’s not long away.”
“Tay, if you stay up any later than that another shutdown or meltdown is bound to happen.”
“Do I need to order any ingredients? I have no clue what I have in.” The blonde says changing the subject.
“You don’t get anywhere betting against Andrea, Tay. Of course you have all the ingredients.”
“Was that Levi, earlier?” Taylor swallows a lump in her throat as she says it. Yet she can’t let go the need to know Karlie again. It’s eating away her. The lost time. She wants to know every detail of her life even if it tears her apart.
“Not now, Taylor. We have to have this conversation when you are in a better mental state.”
“Was it though?”
“Yes.” She already knew the answer, it was clear as day, so why does it still feel like being stabbed? “I wanted to say goodnight to him. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologise, Kar. I get it.”
They fall into silence after that. Karlie cooking while Taylor watches. It feels familiar. Comforting in a way. Memories of them laughing as they made dinner, before everything went wrong, fill her head. She usually did most of the work. Unless she was having a hard day, like today. But of course the thought of Karlie doing this every night, for her kids, has to ruin it and has her walking out the room.
She doesn’t exactly know where she’s going. To find one of the cats, maybe. They could always provide her comfort. She finds Mer in the living room. They lock eyes and neither looks away. She’s never understood why eye contact feels so much easier when it’s with an animal. She calls Mer to her and obediently the cat climbs into her lap. She sits there, just running her hand through fur, until Karlie walks in. As soon as she does, Mer runs over and rubs herself against Karlie’s ankles.
“The food is almost ready.”
“Ok.”
“You okay? Why’d you leave.”
“Wanted to see the cats.”
“Oh ok.” Karlie’s tone betrays that she doesn’t believe that’s the reason. She knows she should open up to Karlie. It used to be so easy. It still would be, she knows that. She just isn’t ready to go there. Maybe Karlie was right, some conversations do just have to wait.