Chapter Five
It’s weird being home after so long. No obligations pushing down on her. She’ll have to meet with Tree and have a meeting about her birthday in a few days but for now, time is all hers. Part of her wants to write, the need thick as smoke, but the rest knows there is not enough energy in for body for that. She can barely form coherent thoughts as it is. But she doesn’t feel like sleeping or eating either. Karlie will probably force her to when she gets here anyway. She doesn’t know if she hopes or fears that Karlie changed her mind and never got on a plane. If she did, she could be here by tonight. It doesn’t feel right. Will they even remember how to do this? What will happen when she’s recovered enough for Karlie to go home? She makes her way to her room, Benji at her feet. They make it to the bed the cat leaping up to join her. She just sits there stroking him.
“Are you happy I’m home?” She asks him. In response he jumps down from the bed and slips out the room. “I’ll take that as a no.” She lies back and stares at the ceiling. She’s memorized it, every small seemingly insignificant mark. Forces herself not the think about the times she lay under it with Karlie, or the times she vigorously sobbed under it when they broke up. Just the thought makes her eyes well up. The itch to write remains like a wine stain but she can’t move. It honestly feels like her very soul has been sucked out of her. She knew that performing 3 hour shows and a tour that lasts over a year would drain her but she didn’t know it would be this bad. She’s just glad that the covers feel familiar and the house is silent. Her mind vaguely shifts to the kitchen. It would be so simple to walk in, grab a knife and slice it over her body. Not that tree wouldn’t kill her. She’s had to get pretty creative over the years and honestly once the scars are faded enough, you’d be surprised what some concealer does. She just doesn’t want to move a muscle and resigns herself to bed instead. Karlie would be mad if she did it anyway. She has no clue where to go from here. When she finally feels like a person again. If she ever does. She remembers the first time Karlie had seen her like this. Similar to right now, she was suffering from burnout following a tour. What the 1989 tour lacked in length when compared to the Era’s tour it sure made up in starvation. Her team knew better than to let that happen again. She’d said in the documentary that it was in the past, or at least implied it, but in reality, the only time she really ate healthily was when she was being monitored. They are bound to loosen up on her again now the tour is over and she’ll probably loose too much weight. Like 2020 all over again. No one noticed how sick was then. They never really have. The public would probably never guess that she was autistic. Karlie had been shocked at first but later she’d told Taylor that it made so much sense. She’d always been great about it. Making sure Taylor always had clean clothes that wouldn’t send her into a meltdown and that they always had her safe foods in. Her mum does that stuff occasionally too but it’s different. God the tour had been way too much. The lights, and when she took out her earbuds, the noise. It made her want to pull out her hair. Still does, even just thinking about it. She starts to curl up in a ball, wants to think about anything else. But her brain won’t stop. She’s lost all sense and control of her thoughts. They’ve become like wasps who’ve had their nest disturbed one too many times. Thinking rationally might as well be talking in another language she’s never heard off. She checks her phone. Karlie hasn’t messaged her since the call. She’s scared to open social media, knowing that she’ll have a hard time avoiding seeing her own face. Perks of being famous. She’s grateful for her success but it really does feel like a curse sometimes. She made her bed and now she has to lie in it. She turns on some music that stimulates her the right amount and goes back to starting into space. Numbness overcomes her. It feels a little too like the first nights after the breakup. Like she’s trying not to feel something heavy, and when she does, she’s going to be crushed. Her phone lights up and once again it’s the sun emoji. Wait it’s 5:00pm, did she fall asleep or has it just been that long? She doesn’t know at this point. She opens the message, it’s just Karlie saying she’s on the way. She’ll have to tell security to let the model in so she sends them a message because talking is off the cards at this point. Mer walks in then and she registers that she should probably feed her pets. Yet she can’t bring herself to. Mer wants to purr, she can feel it, but she’s been with Taylor long enough to know when to be quiet, when not to complain and just comfort. So she sits in Taylors lap and burrows into her. They lock eyes and Tay tries to communicate that she’s sorry. That she’s missed her. A while later she hears the front door open in the distance. Then the voice that has filled her dreams calls out.
“Taylor?”