Regulus walked up to the grave, he sat down next to it and pulled his knees up to his chest, his back against the side of the tombstone.
“Hey Siri,” He said, his voice breaking. “I know you probably wouldn’t want me to visit you, but if it were me I would want you to visit so I guess I thought I would anyway.” He said, wiping his eyes only for more tears to fall and the words came out his mouth. “I, um, I stopped talking to mum. I know it’s too late but I think you-“ His voice cut off as his breath caught in his throat, “I think that maybe, you would be proud of me.” He finished.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t visit you before, I didn’t look of you. I was just so scared, you know? Because you, you’ve always been so far away. Like, even when we were living together, you would just always be so far away. You would hide in your room and when you weren’t in your room you were arguing with mum and so even when you were there I never really spoke to you because you just seemed so… angry. And we used to be so close, you used to be my protector,” Regulus sniffed, pausing to wipe his eyes again only for them to fill back up with tears in seconds.
“You used to pull your blanket over us and then you would sing to me and I would pretend to hate it but I never did. Then you started getting angry more, you would lock your door and yell at mum and I didn’t want to ruin what we used to have, you know? So I just… didn’t.” Regulus took a deep breath before continuing, not bothering to wipe his eyes anymore, “Then you started school, and you got a new brother, James mother fucking Potter. I really hated him, you know? Truly, hated him. Because you stopped locking yourself in your room but started just not coming home. And then I hated you, still do, I think, a bit. Because while you were god knows where with god knows who, probably with James, I was left at home with a mother who was loosing her son and her picture perfect family and suddenly I was the heir and I had to do everything I did before as well as everything you were supposed to while you were out with your new bother and new parents and you weren’t thinking twice about the family you left behind, and how could I not hate you for that?” Regulus had his eyes closed now, his head against the tombstone, tears dripping down his face.
“I know I should’ve visited. I’m sorry I didn’t.” Regulus said, sighing. “I think a part of me will always regret not visiting, I’ll be old and I think a part of me will always be haunted by the possibility that I could’ve known you, the we could’ve been close. I won’t even have to be old for it, it’s like, every time I breathe I’m reminded of what could’ve been.” Regulus sighed, “I’m sorry I’m making this all about me, Sirius. I’m just, I’m so sorry.” His voice broke again, his back hurt from where he was sitting but he couldn’t find it in himself to move, this was the closest he’d been to his brother in 16 years, he could live with the pain.
“It wasn’t all my fault though,” Regulus said, suddenly defensive, “You could’ve called. You could’ve looked for me. It didn’t take much, I got told about you so I can’t have been that hard to find, I spoke to your husband, thanks for the wedding invite by the way, that was a nice thing to find out over the phone to the shell of a man your brother married. You could’ve made it easier for me to reach out for you too. Even when we’re were talking we weren’t really. I don’t think I’m supposed to say this about the dead but I think a part of me will always hate you a little bit,” Regulus took a quick breath, talking quickly, “You were just always so fucking selfish. You were the kind of person to take the last piece of food from the plate and you would never offer anyone your jacket if they were cold and you would yell at mum and then leave the house so I was left alone with her after you made her angry and you would eat the last of my favourite food and I really hate you for it and-“
“I don’t think you’re supposed to talk ill of the dead like that.” A cold voice cut him off.
James Potter.
Regulus would’ve said something if he could’ve but it’s like his brain cut off, like all thought stopped when he saw James and suddenly he was a 13 year old boy on the phone to his brothers brother, begging to talk to him and being told no.
“Nice of you to show up, 16 years late, but I’m sure Sirius wouldn’t care, he’s not selfish.” James said, Regulus didn’t really remember him much, they never spoke often with Regulus’s hatred for the other boy, but he did remember that James used to light up every room he walked into, without Sirius it was like someone had starved the fire behind his eyes from oxygen. Like it was dying, and from the way James looked, possibly taking James with it.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Regulus’s voice came out just as cold as James’s.
“And you do?”
“Fuck off Potter-“ Regulus started but was cut off.
“No. No, you don’t get to ignore him his whole life and then, what? Show up now he’s-“ James’s voice broke before he could finish his sentence, “You think you can show up now and try to fix things? It’s too late Regulus. You’re too late.” James finished, his voice barely a whisper by the end of his sentence.
“You don’t think I know that?” Regulus started, is voice louder now, “You don’t think that I have a lifetimes worth of guilt, sand grief crushing me? Because I do. Just because he wasn’t my brother when he died doesn’t mean he never was! You weren’t always there! I was there first! He was mine first!” Regulus was sure that he looked like a child having a tantrum but he didn’t really have the energy to care.
“Yeah, he was yours first, but you’re not the one who held his hear back when he throw up. You’re not the one who held him when his first boyfriend broke his heart. You didn’t see the way he loves Remus.” James stopped, breathing heavily.
“I’m sorry.” Regulus’s blurted out before he could even think to stop himself.
James looked at him, his eyes meeting Regulus’s and for the first time Regulus saw a hint of emotion in them, he seemed confused almost.
“You’re right. I should’ve visited, I wasn’t there and that will haunt me forevermore. It consumes my every waking thought because there are a million scenarios in my head, a million different ways our lives could’ve played out. I should’ve called him.” Regulus said, it was too late now, he may as well tell James the truth, he didn’t really plan on seeing him again anyway. James didn’t seem to have a response to this because he just came and sat on the other side of the tombstone, his back mirroring Regulus’s.
“You really look like him, you know?” James said quietly.
“People always said that growing up, I never really saw it honestly. I don’t think I could’ve ever looked as cool as Sirius.” Regulus said with a breath of a laugh matching James’s volume.
“When, um, when I first saw you, some stupid part of my brain convinced myself you were Sirius for a second. Like, this whole thing was all fake and he was back. Then I realised it was you.”
“I’m sorry.” Regulus said sincerely.
“I’m sorry about what I said.” James said.
“Me too, for what I said about Sirius.”
“That’s okay, he, um, he would be glad you’re here.” James said gently. Regulus nodded even though James couldn’t see him.
They stayed like that until the sun set, both of them sitting in silence mourning their brother. The air got cold and the way they were sitting hurt but neither of them said anything. Eventually, it was too late for them to stay.
“Regulus?” James asked as he stood up and stretched his legs, stiff from sitting for hours.
“Yes?” Regulus responded, doing the same.
“Where are you staying?”
“I don’t know,” Regulus admitted, “Remus, he, um, he called me and I just kind of drove until I got here.”
“Do you want to come back to mine? Remus is staying there so one more person wouldn’t be any hassle or anything and I think Sirius would kill me if I just let you leave with no where to go.” James said, looking almost nervous.
“I, I don’t know.”
“You wouldn’t be intruding or anything and you don’t have to stay if you don’t want to. Just come back and I can make tea, do you still like hot chocolate? Sirius told me that you used to love it when he first stayed for Christmas.” James suggested.
“Yeah, I still do. Okay.” Regulus said. James smiled at this.
“Okay.”
Stupidly, Regulus reached out his hand in offering, thankfully James took it and they walked back hand in hand.
It was almost poetic, in the sick, twisted, beautiful way poetry is, both of them walking away, hand in hand, from Sirius’s grave.