Chapter 1
Annie Blair had never wanted kids. They were smelly and loud and dirty and always sticky somehow.
But she’d never really told people about it.
Annie grew up in a small town close to Glasgow, where she was forced to attend church every week and things like AC/DC, eyeliner and condoms were essentially illegal.
She’d watched girls be bullied, shunned and humiliated for less than not wanting children.
And her parents, though good people, weren’t much better.
Annie was 24 when she was diagnosed with an ovulation disorder, meaning she couldn’t have kids. Her fiancée, with whom she’d been since they were 17, Chris, broke up with her two days afterwards and kicked her out.
Her mother was beside herself when Annie told her, crying and sobbing pathetically while her dad watched her with so much fucking pity it made her blood boil.
They insisted she move in with them, but Annie wasn’t having it.
She wasn’t about to stay in the same town as her stupid ex and her ridiculous parents.
She left the next week, with no clue where she was going, with nothing but her degree in English and Library Sciences, her books, and some pretty intense anger issues.
She lived in Glasgow for three months, but after a while she knew Scotland wasn’t cutting it for her.
England wasn’t exactly better, and if any of her friends from school found out she’d chosen it over Scotland they’d throw her in loch ness with haggis stuffed in her mouth so no one would hear her scream.
Durham was nice though. It was bustling with students, parties and clubs, the architecture was all medieval and dark academia vibes. She managed to get a job at the campus library, and she spent a year watching students fret over their work, fall asleep on their faces or helplessly watching another student that was hogging the book they needed.
She had sex for the first time, which is embarrassing when you’re 25, but her ex was a religious fanatic who usually was too busy sucking up to a statue of Marie to pay any attention to her.
At some point in that year, she met Euphemia, a chronically happy girl who was always in the library with a stack of medical books and would not take no for an answer when it came to getting to know Annie.
Over a span of two months, the girls became friends, and Annie was subjected to hours and hours of Effie gushing about the physics student who’d sit with her at lunch every tuesday. His name was Fleamont Potter and he was, according to Effie, the most charming young man she’d ever met.
Annie had her doubts, especially when she saw him strutting around the city with a stupid grin plastered on his face, but then she saw how soft he got with Effie. She saw them strolling around holding hands, she saw them putting flowers in each other’s hair and giggling into each other’s shoulders.
She had to admit, those two were made for each other.
Effie graduated top of her class, and she and Annie stuck around Durham for another year while she did apprenticeships, until Fleamont graduated, and he and Effie decided to move to a little town close to London.
Annie went with them, and with the money she’d saved she bought and restored the old town library, which had been as good as abandoned, while Effie got a job at the hospital two towns over and Fleamont took up teaching at the school.
Life went on, and a year after Effie and Monty got married, at which point they were all 29, they started trying for a baby.
It was a hard process, and they all had a lot of long, sad nights, entailing months of no luck and two miscarriages. Despite it all, they never gave up, and then James was born.
He was a spoiled little thing, doted on by his parents, and yet he remained sweet and kind. Annie spent many afternoons reading him books or taking him places, her job as the cool aunt taken very seriously. James was perfect, kind and smart, but he still had trouble making friends. Effie had made an incredible effort to organize play dates and parties but no one seemed interested.
James seemed to accept it after a while though, and while his parents still worried, things seemed good.
It was the year James turned fifteen when Annie first heard about the orphanage that was a few towns away.
It was at one of Effie’s legendary tea parties that were so boring, and Annie was forced to chat to Georgia, a lady of 56 who was slightly racist. Georgia lived in the town the orphanage was in, and she was complaining about the older kids that would go out at night causing trouble. While Georgia seems to feel no sympathy toward a group of troubled teens whose parents were likely dead and would probably never find a family before they were kicked out from the orphanage at 18, Annie couldn’t help the clench in her chest.
That was in January, and that March, Annie heard about the meet and greets the orphanage organized, allowing people to come and meet the children.
She told Effie about it, who then started bugging Annie to go to one all through spring until she finally cracked in late May and went.
It was, to put it plainly, horrible.
There were toddlers everywhere, and Annie didn’t know if she was upset because of how disgusting toddlers are, or because it shocked her how many toddlers there were without parents. The place was being swarmed by young, perfect couples walking around in expensive clothes, who looked at Annie with quiet judging stares and smirks.
Despite how boring it was, Annie kept coming back.
She stayed away from the little kids, who usually disappeared within two weeks, but she did get to know a few of the eldest ones, who were just about to leave. They sat with her and chatted, all of them funny and polite. She would bring them books she thought they’d like and they would read them and tell her all about their favourite parts. Annie had started a little game at the library, where she wrapped books up and only wrote a few words on them, so that you knew more or less what it was about but had no idea what it was called or who it was by. The kids helped her choose and wrap the books, and it started getting really popular.
By June, they had all gone to university or to find jobs and Annie was left alone again.
After a few weeks, she thought it was time to give up. She didn’t want a kid. She didn’t even know how to raise one.
She stopped going for the rest of June, but after a few nightmares about when she was diagnosed, she went back again.
The place hadn’t changed at all, except for the kids that were there. Annie walked around for a while, in a bad mood, because she had no idea why she kept coming back here.
When she finished her drink, apple juice, she decided she was going to the bathroom and then leaving, even if she usually stayed much longer.
As she pushed the bathroom door open, it hit someone on the other side, and Annie cursed. “Sorry!” she called and stepped inside.
The person she’d hit was a girl, about 13 or 14, with long dark curls that reached beneath her shoulders.
She stared up at Annie with huge, light blue, slightly grey eyes. She was tiny, Annie noticed, all hunched together like a frightened kitten, waiting for Annie to do something.
“You okay?”
The girl just nodded, then side stepped Annie and rushed away.
She saw her again the next week, sitting far away from the picnic tables where the rich young couples would sit with the young kids and play with them. She had a book, though Annie couldn’t see the title, and she was writing in it with a pencil.
She walked over to her, sitting down in front of her. “Good book?”
The girl startled, dropping the pencil and looking up at her like she’d just slapped her across the face.
“I’m Annie.”
The girl only looks away skittishly.
“So, is it? A good book?”
She nods.
“What’s it about?”
“It’s 1984.” Her voice croaks as she finally speaks.
“Ah, a classic. Have you read it before?”
“Yeah.”
Annie nods, the conversation fizzling to a stop.
The next week, the girl doesn’t come outside, so Annie decides to do some snooping. She finds one of the workers and asks about her, and they show her her file. It doesn’t say much, only her name, her age and notes on her behaviour, her grades, stuff that future parents would want to know about before adopting. It makes Annie a little sick, the idea of these guys going through kids’ lives and writing stuff down like they’re furniture you can filter on Ebay depending on colour and size instead of actual kids.
Despite that, Annie looks. She’s not perfect, okay?
Her name is Raine Black. She turned fourteen on the 21st of January, she’s always had perfect grades, she’s ‘quiet’ and ‘reserved’ and she’s only had one ‘incident of aggression’ where she and a boy a little older than her had a screaming match in the dorms.
The next Saturday, Raine is there again, sitting at a picnic table in a frilly pink dress and ribbons in her hair, looking so uncomfortable it makes Annie’s own skin itch.
“Christ,” she says as she sits down. “You look like a cat that’s been forced into a costume by its four year old owner and is going to scratch their eyes out the second it gets out of there.”
Raine looks up at her, eyes big, but she doesn’t meet her eyes, and her lips twitch.
She shrugs, “Someone looked at my file. So I have to look ‘desirable’.”
Annie’s gut lurches. Fuck.
“That’s… unfortunate.”
She shrugs again. They sip their drinks in silence, Raine fidgeting with the hem of her ridiculous dress.
“So… what have you been reading?”
“If we were villains.”
“By M. L. Rio?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh, that’s a good one. How far are you?”
“Where they find Richard in the lake.”
Annie smiles, “Just getting good then.”
Raine shrugs.
The next week, Raine comes to Annie. She’s only just arrived and sits down at a table as she slips her bag off. She hasn’t even looked around for Raine when the girl appears at her side and sits down next to her.
“Oh. Hi, there.”
“Hello.”
Annie can’t keep the smile off her face when Raine shyly pushes a cup with apple juice towards her.
“Thanks, bug.”
Raine tenses at the nickname, and Annie grimaces slightly, eyes wide when she realises that’s what her mum used to call her.
She tries to play it cool and doesn’t say anything, and neither does Raine.
“So, where’re you from, Raine?”
They’re doing a puzzle of some landscape, though Annie can’t really figure out what it’s supposed to be. They divided the pieces, and Raine is nearly done while Annie has a small bit of about 6 pieces and nothing else.
“Um- close.”
“London?”
“No, er, Luton.”
“Oh, that’s cool.”
“...sure.”
Annie laughs. “Yeah, alright. I’m from Glasgow.”
Raine nods, joining her big clumps of pieces, finishing her half of the puzzle. She looks to Annie’s half, still a pile of unconnected pieces, and raises her eyebrows.
Annie chuckles. “I’m bad at puzzles.”
“Yeah.” The pure agreement in her tone makes Annie laugh.
“Would you like to help?”
Raine greedily pulls the pieces towards her.
“I’m gonna get us more juice, yeah?”
Raine only absentmindedly nods, and Annie resists the urge to ruffle her hair as she stands up.
The stand with apple juice is rather busy, and Annie gets in line, keeping her eye on Raine as she does her puzzle with no care in the world. She looks relaxed, more so than Annie has ever seen, and it makes her chest go warm.
Someone taps her on the shoulder, pulling her from her thoughts. She turns to them, a tall lady with fake-blonde hair and pink lipstick.
“Hi, there!” She says cheerily, her Texan accent stark. Well, Annie has no idea if it’s Texan but it’s definitely one of those southern ones.
“Hello?”
“Hi. Couldn’t help but notice you were talking to little Raine over there.”
Annie’s eyes fly to her, who’s watching them closely with her striking blue eyes.
“Right?”
“Well, I just wanted to warn you. Me and my man were talking to her a couple weeks ago and she was very unfriendly.”
“Was she now?”
“Mhm,” she nods, “very unladylike. If I were you and your husband I’d stay far away from her.”
“I see.”
“She wouldn’t even look at us, barely spoke a word. We were so hopeful, a pretty, skinny girl like her, French, too, the man said. She looked just lovely in those dresses, but she wouldn’t let me do her makeup! Started making a huge scene and everything. A pretty girl like her shouldn’t be going around without makeup. It’s not right.”
Annie can feel her jaw tick as she clenches it. “Sure.”
The woman looks at her, her eyes traveling up and down her body. “Hmm.”
“What?” Annie snaps, anger tingling in her chest. She’s not a violent person, but she does appreciate an idiot giving her an excuse to lose her shit.
“Oh, nothing. I was just thinking you fit that whore’s standard perfectly.”
If it weren’t for the movement of a black blur in the corner of her eye, Annie would’ve punched her straight in the face. Wouldn’t be the first time.
But this overwhelming need to follow Raine is stronger, so Annie just grabs the glass of champagne the bitch is holding and pours it right over her head.
“Fuck you,” she sneers, then rushes into the dorm building.
She can hear the commotion outside as she rushes through the building, bursting into rooms. “Fuck,” she mutters, running faster.
She climbs the stairs and repeats the process on the second floor. She opens a small blue door, looks inside, only seeing a messy bed and a wardrobe and rushes to the next room, when she hears a muffled sob and freezes.
She slowly walks back to the blue door and peeks inside again. “Hello?”
There’s a noise from the wardrobe and Annie hesitantly opens the door. “Raine?”
She’s curled in a ball, wiping furiously at her puffy, red eyes, her cheeks tear-strained. Annie’s chest clenched. “Oh, bug.”
Raine sniffles as Annie kneels down next to the wardrobe, reaching for her hand.
“What happened?”
Raine starts crying again. “You- You were talking to the- the american lady.”
Annie frowns, “Was I not supposed to?”
Raine lets out another sob. “No, but- but now- she- she told you.”
“Told me what, love?”
“That- that-” She swallows her words, crying harder. She desperately tries to breathe and Annie strokes the back of her hand.
“It’s okay, bug, take your time.”
Raine sniffs, her eyes blotchy and wide and so sad.
“Were you going to adopt me?” Her voice is so quiet and shaky as she speaks.
Annie’s breath hitches. “I…”
Raine’s face crumbles again when she doesn't answer.
“No- bug, hey, wait. I- I don’t know, okay? I have no idea what I’m doing. I don’t even- I don’t even know how that works, or- or if I could afford it, or-” she trails off helplessly.
“I don’t know, Raine. I really don’t. But- But if someone held me at gunpoint and told me I had to adopt a kid right now, I’d want it to be you.”
Raine stares at her, eyes big.
“And I don’t care what that american slag said, because she’s full of shit, alright? You’re not weird because you don’t always make eye contact or because you’re quiet or for not wanting to wear dresses or makeup. Girls don’t have to feminine.”
“I’m not.”
Annie blinks. “Huh?”
“I don’t like dresses because- because I’m not. A girl.”
“...oh. Oh. Raine- fuck, not that, erm- Human, that’s totally okay with me. I promise.”
“...human?”
“Oh, fuck off, I’m trying to be suportive here.”
Human laughs, wetly, and it slowly turns into tears again, and Annie finally hugs them, their little figure fitting perfectly against her chest.
Annie breathes into their hair, her own eyes stinging with tears. “So, what’s your name?”
“...Reg.”
“Boy?”
“Yeah.”
“I like it.”
She feels his smile on her shoulder.
Three weeks later, Annie is showing Regulus his new room.
Things aren’t perfect, Regulus is a lot shyer than she’d realised, and he definitely needs therapy or something. The orphanage had told her about his previous family, his parents had been arrested for child abuse and he and his brother were stuck into the system. When she asked about his brother, they told her he’d already been adopted, and that the sibling did not seem to be on good terms. She decided not to bring it up unless Regulus did it first.
The summer passes with trips to IKEA, movie nights, buying clothes and so on, and Annie stays patient. It’s hard at first, because she’s always been a touchy person.
But Regulus isn’t, and she needs to get used to that.
She knows Regulus doesn’t flinch away from her because he’s scared of her, and she knows he beats himself for it just as much as she does.
But all of that just makes it so much better when Regulus leans into her on the bus, or when he sinks into a hug, or falls asleep on her lap on the sofa.
Annie knows this isn’t going to be easy, but she also knows she’s finally found someone worth doing it all for.