Chapter 14
chapter fourteen
lily
Lily decided she hated her brain. Maybe hate was a strong word. But it definitely wasn’t being nice to her. For whatever reason, the comfortable rhythm she’d settled into with Mary over the last few days was now shaken by awkward eye contact and strange swoops of Lily’s stomach whenever they bumped into each other. This is stupid, Lily thought, frowning. She watched Mary read a plaque attached to the fence beside them, and pulled out her phone to text Remus.
You
12:31
The anxiety feels are back
And this time they’re even weirder
Remus
12:34
What does this mean
Are you ok
Lily chewed on her lip, trying to think of a way to respond. Mary waved her over, and her eyes skimmed over the plaque, not registering anything. They kept walking.
You
12:35
Well
I haven’t had a full crisis since before the trip
The undercurrent of panic is returning
But like
It doesn’t feel the same
Remus
12:36
In what way is it different?
You
12:36
I dunno
It’s like. Less sad. More fuzzy. Idk how to explain it lol sorry
It’s almost like butterflies, but more violent
Anxious butterflies
Remus
12:37
Hmmm
Have I ever told you about the lesbian sheep
You
12:37
No??
Remus
12:39
Well basically the concept of it is that male sheep instigate sexual activity by just making a move, right? So scientists have proof they can be gay because they just. Fuck. But it’s super hard to tell if there are lesbian ewes, because female sheep express interest by just standing there. So all the female sheep. Just stand there, acting like sheep, and it’s hard to tell whether they’re horny or just sheep.
You
12:40
…Interesting
But why is this relevant
Remus
12:41
Well
It seems to me
Like your anxious butterflies
Might be feelings other than anxiety
And you can’t tell
Because you’re a lesbian sheep
I could totally be wrong tho idfk
Lily turned her phone off and stared at her other hand, which was twined with Mary’s. Mary said something, but she didn’t hear it. “Sorry, what?”
Mary smiled. “You’re good. Just said I like you in a bun.” She flicked Lily’s hair, which was tied up in a terrible knot. Lily felt her entire face warm, and looked away. She pressed the back of her hands to her cheeks.
“Thanks.”
Remus
12:45
I realize that might have sound presumptuous. Sorry.
You
12:36
It’s okay. It’s… something to think about I guess
Remus
12:36
Well, anyway. Love you
You
12:37
Love you too <3
“Hey, can we find a bathroom?” Lily asked suddenly, putting her phone in her back pocket.
“Yeah, of course,” Mary said, and they started walking along the path, following a sign that pointed them in the direction of the restrooms. Lily’s mind was whirling, and she found herself gripping Mary’s hand tighter to stabilize her. She left Mary outside and shut herself in a stall. She took a deep breath.
Was Remus right? She felt sick. Lily stared at the rusty hook on the back of the door and rubbed her thumb over her forearm. Did she like Mary? She hadn’t had very many friends before, and even less who were girls. And every friendship was always very intense—she tended to tunnel-vision on people who were nice to her, but she hadn’t fixated on a friendship this much in a long time. So maybe it was crush feelings. Maybe there was just something about Mary. Either way, it wouldn’t matter, Lily despaired, because Mary certainly didn’t like her back. She nodded to herself, feeling like she might cry, and stood up, flushing the toilet just for appearance’s sake.
Lily pumped soap into her hands and turned on the faucet. She looked in the mirror. Really, it didn’t make sense to think everything had changed, because she was the same person she’d been only half an hour ago. She would wash her hands, find Mary, and they’d keep going about the trip. Because nothing was different!
Maybe it wasn’t just Mary. Lily stopped. There had been the girl in the circle skirt from when she was twelve, and the person with the long purple hair when she was fourteen. And maybe more. Lily felt herself wobble, and grabbed the counter. An older woman finished washing her hands and gave her a strange look, so Lily gave her a weak thumbs up.
She looked at the cracked, dirty mirror, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear and straightening her back so her eye aligned with the shard of glass that had fallen out. She could do it. It’s going to be fine, Lily told herself anxiously. She took a deep breath, and stepped back out to see Mary leaning against the wall, silhouette lit by the midday sun.
Honestly, who was she kidding?
Lily was completely and utterly fucked.
chapter fourteen
mary
They left the park a little while later to get food, and Lily scrolled through her phone in the passenger seat, once again having lost the battle for driving. “Okay, there’s a restaurant somewhat nearby,” Lily said, avoiding Mary’s eyes. Mary tapped the steering wheel.
“Sweet, okay,” Mary said. She smiled at Lily, and Lily smiled back, looking strained.
She exhaled sharply.
Everything was going to be fine.
The drive went by in a blur, and they pulled into the parking lot of a restaurant about forty-five minutes later. When they stepped through the door, Mary realized it was a lot busier than she thought it’d be—all bright lights and loud conversations. They were directed to sit and wait for a table to open up, and Lily awkwardly fiddled with a loose seam on the cushion. “It’s so loud,” Lily mouthed, and Mary gave her an apologetic shrug.
A server came over and directed them to a booth. Lily scooted into the plush red seat, and Mary glanced at Lily, looking at the spot beside and the spot across from her. Lily patted the spot next to her.
“Good idea,” Mary said, leaning in so she was almost whispering in Lily’s ear. “I can actually hear you now.”
Lily flushed. “Yeah, screaming at each other isn’t really my idea of r—my idea of a good time.”
They flipped through the menu, splitting it between them. When the waiter came back, the girls ordered and were handed icy water glasses in return for their menus. “Jesus, you hear the conversation behind us?” Mary whispered, giggling a little. Lily turned her head to listen.
“…Okay, but the…”
A clatter of dishes interrupted the sentence. Mary strained to listen. “What are we going to do with the inheritance?” Mary feigned a gasp, looking at Lily. Lily giggled, covering her mouth with a wicked grin.
They were interrupted from their slightly creepy eavesdropping by the server, arms laden with food. The girls put on their best “we’re not stalkers!” faces as the waiter asked if they wanted drinks with that.
Lily glanced at the drink menu briefly, saying, “Umm… champagne?”
The water nodded. “Right, and you, ma’am?”
“Same,” Mary said, handing them the drink menu.
Their drinks came out a few minutes later, and they continued a quiet whispered conversation, squished into one side of a booth. Mary tried not to be too aware of how their thighs were touching, but it still consumed about 45% of her thoughts the entire time. Mary sipped at her champagne, feeling a little fuzzy and warm, but not uncomfortably so.
About an hour later, they paid the bill and left, both a little bubblier than they had been when they walked in. Mary sat down on the curb and shivered as a breeze blew over them. Lily flopped down beside her, yawning. Cars drove down the road, whooshing by in a flash of headlights and rumbling engines. Lily dropped her head onto Mary’s shoulder, and Mary inhaled sharply. “Sorry, s’just cold,” Lily mumbled.
“You’re fine,” Mary said softly. “We could just go sit in the van.” Lily nodded sleepily. Mary’s heart panged.
They clambered into the back of the van and laid flat on their backs. “The motel’s pretty close,” Lily said. “We can go sleep in actual beds.” Mary turned over to look at her.
“Sure,” Mary said, tapping Lily on the nose. “I’m driving again though, because you seem pretty sleepy.”
Lily gave her a look of mock surprise, and swallowed a yawn to say, “I’m not tired.”
Mary leaned forward. “Liar.” She smiled, a hairbreadth away from Lily’s ear. Mary pulled away again and left Lily, looking mildly offended and shaken to crawl forward into the driver’s seat. Lily sat in the passenger seat, crossing her arms and pouting.
The motel was less than ten minutes away, and most of that time was spent waiting at red lights. The headlights shone little circles of yellow-white light on the street in front of them. Beside the other cars and streetlights, the night was almost pitch black. If Mary craned her head out of the window, she might have been able to see the faint glimmer of stars above them.
They checked in and found their room, tossing their bags by the door. Mary flopped on the bed, feeling the chill of cold, clean sheets against her back. Lily stood beside the bed, looking around blearily. “I can sleep on the couch.”
Mary lifted her head to look at her. “If you want to.”
“I don’t,” Lily said, and sat beside Mary.
Neither bothered to change into pajamas, instead lying on top of the blankets, exhausted. “Last destination tomorrow,” Lily said, arms and legs spread out like a starfish.
“Gonna tell me what it is?” Mary asked, looking at the popcorn ceiling. She wished she could take something flat and scrape all the bumps off so the ceiling was smooth. Instead, she looked at Lily out of the corner of her eyes.
“Uhh… the ‘Isle of Skye.’”
“Mmm, fancy,” Mary said. She sat up and tried to pry the edges of the sheets from where they were tucked under the mattress. “Jesus—fuck—why do they always pull the sheets so tight?” she despaired, finally wrenching them free after much struggle.
“My sister always says it’s so they can trap you in the blankets, like a cocoon.” Lily deadpanned. “And then if you can’t move, it’s easier to stab you to death in the middle of the night or something.”
“Lovely,” Mary shuddered, wiggling under the sheets. “That’s exactly the visual I wanted to have right before going to sleep.”
“I know, right?” Lily said sarcastically, grinning.
Mary laughed, curled up facing Lily, and left her hand placed on the mattress between them. Hold my hand, idiot, Mary thought, hoping if she repeated it enough times and with enough vigor in her head, Lily would get the message. Lily pulled the blankets over her and laid down, hand palm-up an inch or two away from Mary’s. Fine.
Mary took Lily’s hand and looped their fingers together, and felt Lily relax. She exhaled a little. Mary had to bite back a smile, feeling Lily’s soft, warm breath on her cheek. “Night,” Mary whispered.
“Goodnight,” Lily murmured, eyes already fluttering closed.
Mary could feel the lingering effects of the small amount of alcohol she’d consumed buzzing softly in the edges of her vision, and if she’d been a little more reckless, maybe she’d have pulled Lily closer. But she was a coward, and wasn’t drunk enough to be braver, so they stayed like that for a long time, until Lily fell asleep.
Mary didn’t know how long she laid awake, staring at the soft curves of Lily’s face.
She felt almost sick with love for Lily Evans—an uncomfortable tightening in her chest and lingering despair mixed with affection in her stomach.
After a while, Mary finally slipped into unconsciousness.