Chapter 5
chapter five
lily
When Lily walked over to Remus’s the next morning, she opened his door to find Sirius, Peter, and James sitting with Remus and playing a very violent game of Uno on the carpet. Lily sat down next to Remus and watched him get absolutely obliterated at the card game for a good thirty minutes.
Lily liked Sirius and the other guys well enough, although James got on her nerves a little. He was extremely flamboyant and a little arrogant, and had been trying and failing miserably to flirt with her for years.
James was a nice enough guy, Lily supposed. But… she didn’t know.
Panda and Dorcas had asked her why she kept refusing him, and she couldn’t really explain why. She didn’t know herself. Something about being with James Potter and doing couple things made Lily feel like she was going to throw up. But maybe that was just how people felt when other people liked them—maybe it was just nerves.
Lily was drawn out of this thought process by Remus poking her in the nose.
She squeaked, whacking his hand away.
“Sorry, you just looked like you were spacing out.” You just looked like you were spiraling, he clearly meant. Lily smiled at him awkwardly.
“So, Evans,” James said with that obnoxious smile of his. “Do you want us to deal you into the next round?” Lily pursed her lips.
“Uh, sure. Just be prepared to lose.” Lily snarked, fully serious. She had been told by everyone in her family that she was far too good at card games. Remus looked at her with pure terror. The sight significantly lifted her mood.
After the fourth time of getting a +4 from Lily, Remus flopped back on the couch and groaned. “What the fuck? Why did I end up next to Lily? I have like half the fucking deck!” Lily stuck her tongue out at him, giggling.
“Uno was designed to destroy friendships,” Peter said matter-of-factly, setting down his deck (which was almost as thick as Remus’s).
James, who was sitting on Lily’s other side, bumped her with his elbow and smiled again. “Lily’s just a fucking goddess at Uno, I guess,” he said cheerfully. Lily found herself becoming painfully aware of the places where their knees overlapped and the spot on her arm he bumped. And not in a pleasant way. Actually, the room was spinning and bile was rising in her throat. She jerked away from him, and he gave her a glance that was a mix of sadness and confusion. Lily avoided his gaze.
Lily gave Remus a glance of panic and he registered this, before glancing at his watch.
“It’s getting late, lads, I might have to kick you out.” James and Peter gave groans of complaint, but stood up and hugged Remus. They left within a few minutes, Sirius staying back for a few moments to kiss Remus on the forehead and whisper something in his ear.
Soon, though, they were gone, but the room was still spinning, and the noise of cars outside and the creaking of Remus’s old house felt like static. Lily took a shaky breath, and saw Remus move his hand as if to take hers, but hesitate and eventually drop it at his side. She didn’t even know why she was freaking out so much—maybe she did like James, and what would be wrong with that? Wasn’t having crushes normal for young adults? So why did it feel like she couldn’t breathe? This is a normal experience, Lily told herself. This is normal.
She vaguely heard Remus say something, and turned to him, feeling a little surprised when she could barely see him through the blur of tears pooling in her eyes.
“Lils? Lils, you’re shaking. What’s wrong?”
Lily genuinely wanted to respond, but her tongue felt like a boulder in her mouth. She took a few seconds to clear her throat, before replying shakily, “I… I don’t know.”
“Whatever it is, it’s okay—I’m just confused. You seemed okay while we were playing Uno.”
“It’s just… James.” This was a pathetic summary of how she was feeling.
“Do you like him?” Remus asked, looking at her intensely.
“No—yes—I don’t know. Maybe? I was just sitting next to him, and I know he likes me and so when he bumped me I sort of felt like I was going to throw up? But I don’t know if that’s just the way people feel when they like someone because I’ve never liked anyone before!” Lily blurted, tears falling freely now.
“Wait, nauseous like nervous or nauseous like disgusted?”
“Does it matter?” Lily sniffled. “I dunno. Disgusted? It felt like the room was spinning.”
Remus was silent for a moment. “Well… I can't tell you what you're feeling right now, but in my experience, if you really want to be with someone, you shouldn't feel disgusted by them. If it were just nerves, I'd say you maybe had feelings for him. But I don't think that's what this is.”
Lily felt like she was falling down a dark hole, grasping desperately at the empty air around her. Did she even know what romantic feelings felt like?
“And again, I can't be inside your head so I have no idea what you're actually feeling,” Remus added, “So just take everything I’m saying with a grain of salt.”
Lily took a few deep breaths (she knew that was a thing you were supposed to do when you were panicking, but she'd never really believed it could be helpful). Still, her heart rate slowed a little and the room stopped turning so violently. Who knows, Lily thought bitterly, maybe the medical professionals were on to something.
“Sorry, I don't know why I've been so on edge recently,” Lily said shakily, leaning her head on Remus’s shoulder. “It's not like me.”
“You're good, Lils. You don't need to apologize.” Remus patted her on the head awkwardly. “You've endured my breakdowns over the years, it was about time I paid you back.”
“Love you,” Lily sighed tiredly.
“Love you too, Lily.”
~~~
5:43
You
Petunia is… yea
She’s difficult lol
5:44
Mary
i have three older sisters
they’re all in college
i was an ~unexpected pregnancy~
5:44
You
EW
WHY DO PARENTS FEEL THE NEED TO TELL YOU THINGS LIKE THIS
5:45
Mary
THAT’S WHAT I'M SAYING
chapter five
mary
Mary twirled in her small bedroom mirror, watching her skirt twirl around her like a cloud. She was in particularly high spirits this morning because she got to see Marlene! She rushed down the stairs, had an awkward, stilted conversation with her mother, laced up her big black boots, grabbed the muffins she’d burned last night from the counter and stepped out into the sun.
She plugged in her headphones and put one earbud in (for safety purposes—Mary really didn’t want to get kidnapped because she couldn’t hear a murderer approaching her from behind). Mary skip-hopped down to the rack by the edge of the sidewalk and twirled the lock on her yellow bike, shoving her package of terrible muffins into the bike’s basket.
Pedaling down the London streets with music blasting in her ears was a special kind of magic.
And after what felt like only a few moments, Mary pulled up to Hyde Park and rested her bike against a tree, wrapping the cord and lock around its trunk. She flapped her hand at her face, puffing out a breath through pursed lips.
She spotted Marlene waving at her from a bit away and Mary smiled hugely.
“Hey, M!” Marlene called, and Mary skipped up to her.
“Lo, Marls!” Mary grinned. “How have you been doing?”
“Good,” Marlene sighed. “Football’s done for a few months, unless I somehow get into the Hogwarts summer program. Which I doubt is going to happen.”
Mary patted Marlene on the shoulder. “You’re fantastic at football, Mckinnon. And if you don’t get in, it’ll be okay anyway cuz the trip is soon!”
Marlene groaned. “That’s got to be the five thousandth time you’ve brought up the trip in the past three days. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen you this excited for anything other than the choir vacation in year ten. Oh, and maybe when you got that fancy ABBA CD.”
Mary shushed Marlene, flushing a little. “Shut up.”
“Aaaanyway,” Marlene giggled, seeming a little nervous, “I wanted to talk about something.”
Mary looked at her with concern. “What’s wrong?”
“No, nothing’s wrong,” Marlene clarified. She was acting uncharacteristically jittery, picking at her nails. “Do you… remember Dorcas? Dorcas Meadows?”
“...Yeah,” Mary said slowly. “She was in my psych class.”
Marlene avoided Mary’s eyes. “Well… we’re… she’s my girlfriend. I… like girls. I’m a lesbian.”
They stood in silence for a few seconds.
Mary couldn’t say what she wanted to say, which was I didn’t know that was an option. Mary knew lesbians existed, sure, but she never really thought she knew anyone who was a girl and liked girls. Mary always thought that the only option for her and the people around her was to date men, and to have kids, and to marry a man someday. Maybe that made her small-minded. But Mary felt more like she could breathe freely for the first time in a while.
“O-oh!” Mary stuttered. She couldn’t think of anything to say—her mind was whirling. She settled on just giving Marlene a hug. “Congratulations,” Mary whispered. “I’m happy for you.”
“Thanks, M.” Marlene said softly, sniffing a little.
They stepped apart. “Do you want to talk about it, or do you just want to go get ice cream?”
“...Ice cream.”
“Yeah, I could use some caramel ice cream right now.” Mary looped her arm in Marlene’s and the two girls chattered about one thing or another as they walked through the sunny park. Mary’s mind still felt like a war zone, but she tried to distract herself in dumb gossip and bad jokes with her best friend.
And it worked, until one question had been burning a hole in her tongue for so long it felt like it was actually on fire. Mary licked her ice cream thoughtfully. “Can I ask you a dumb question?” Mary said, drumming her fingers on the picnic table nervously.
“Sure, go ahead.” Marlene said, taking a BITE of her ice cream (sometimes behavior like this made Mary think Marlene might be an alien trying to assimilate to human society. Marlene also wore socks to bed and drank orange juice with milk).
“How… how did you know you were a lesbian?” Mary asked, and instantly winced at herself.
Marlene laughed, but indulged her. “Uh, I dunno. I would get these sort of, like, fixations on other girls? And I would want to be their best friend and know everything about them. It was like friendship feelings, but more. More intense. And then everyone around me started talking about dating and kissing and attraction, but whenever I tried to envision myself with a man, there was nothing there. I dunno, does that make sense?”
Mary nodded. Actually, it made a lot of sense.
“Yeah, I get it. I mean,” Mary stuttered, “I get the concept. In theory.”
Mary would have kept stammering, but Marlene’s phone started ringing.
“One sec, lemme take this.” Marlene said, and put the phone to her ear. “Yeah?” A pause. “This is she. Okay.” A longer pause. Marlene’s eyes widened. “Oh—no—I… totally, yeah. Okay. Two weeks? Uh… can I have a few minutes? Thanks.”
Marlene put her hand over the speaker and looked at Mary in shock. Mary was suddenly filled with dread. “M… it’s Hogwarts. Someone dropped out of the program. They’re offering me a place. In Hogwarts’ summer football program.” Mary’s stomach dropped.
“Oh my god, congratulations!” Mary said. She really was excited for Marlene, but—
“It’s two weeks. Starting next Monday.” There it was. Today was Friday, and in two days they’d leave for the trip. Or, at least, they were supposed to
“You should do it,” Mary said flatly, ice cream dripping on her fingers. Marlene hummed uncomfortably, and placed a hand on Mary’s.
“But…”
“Marls, this is the chance you’ve been waiting for since we were eleven. Don’t let me hold you back.” Mary tried to force a smile, and Marlene still looked unsatisfied. Still, she put the phone back up to her ear.
“Yeah, I can come. Thanks so much! Yeah. I will. Thank you.”
Marlene set the phone down, a smile lighting up her features. Mary tried to smile back, but even she could tell this was a pathetically insincere attempt. Marlene was too ecstatic to notice.