The day Regulus Black drowned
It's come to that time of night when I'm so drunk I let Barty play his music. The stupid heavy borderline techno song is making me question my friendship with him, but the way he's grinning with a cigarette in his mouth and spinning around with me makes me smile. He could be dancing with Evan, I know they're together even if they never say anything. He could be doing literally anything. He's Barty Crouch Jr, he doesn't listen to anyone, he's impulsive and reckless. And he's my best friend. And he's dancing with me.
The dancing had no form or choreography. It was a mix of swing and drunken jumping. The laughter drowned out the horrid music.
Looking around I realise I'm happy. I know this is the best day of my life. Dorcas and Pandora were also dancing (given they were a lot more coordinated than Barty and I) while Evan filmed us. Usually, I would have covered my face but I'm happy. I promise myself to remember this forever. To make sure that tonight instead of staying up and making myself feel lonely I will stay up thinking of this moment. This moment where all I can hear in my left ear is a teenage boy howling the lyrics.
I don't know this song. It's not something I want to like. Pathetically I can picture myself turning to Barty and sheepishly asking what the song was called. I can imagine how his face would morph into a smugness and ruin the moment. So I say nothing. I just grin. The beer and the cold numbing my face until I can't feel how a smile this wide would hurt.
Barty crosses his legs and spins himself around. That makes me laugh. Which makes him laugh. I bonk my head against his chest and he loosely wraps his arms around my shoulder. I love this part of the night. This part where I'm not slouching and ashamed. This part where Barty is clingy but not clingy enough to be snogging the shit out of Evan. He smells like deodorant. He smells like something I can't quite place. I look up at him. He pecks me on the cheek and snorts.
"You look like a twat Barty," I say. And I mean it. I'm best friends with a twat.
He might’ve said something. I dunno what he said though he has a tendency to mumble. He just laughs at me and walks off towards Evan. This is the part of the night where me, Dorcas, and Pandora have to ignore the obvious sounds of two teenage boys pretending not to get it on.
Everyone has paired off again but I guess that's the curse of being in a group of 5. Still smiling I stagger over to the ice box and dig through the ice for something alcoholic. I pull out a can of something or rather and open it with that satisfying noise. Almost like a habit, I slip the can tab into my pocket.
I look around at the darkened River bank. I can't believe this is where Pandora and Evan wanted to have New Year's. Happy fucking 2025 I guess. We missed the countdown because we were trying to get to this secluded rocky bit of the river whilst tipsy. But I'm glad now. This place is cool. It makes me feel like we aren't outsiders for lack of a better word.
I want to say something, I want to let them know I love them. I want to let them know they make me feel good. So I take a breath. Then I slipped.
I'm able to hold onto a bit of air as I am completely submerged in the silence that is this river. The current isn't strong enough to move me but my limbs feel like lead. It's the alcohol in my system and I know it. It's Pandora's fault for choosing to have our New Year's party on a river bank knowing full well I can't swim. It's Dorcas and Barty's fault for snagging the cases of beer from the pub they work at. It's Evan's fault for taking Barty away from me. It can't be my fault. It; 's not allowed to be on me. I'm not allowed to be so stupid and careless. I've never drank before, only sips of wine at dinner parties when an uncle gets far too drunk. I should have told someone that. I should have told people about a lot of things. Now I'm dying. And the last song I will ever hear is one I don't know. One that is far too punchy for acceptance of death.
I can't believe that I am sinking. I don't thrash or flail. I just sink. Maybe I lack the survival skills, maybe I am just sloshed. Either way, there's something wrong with me. You're supposed to fight. Not give up right away. Where the fuck is my panic?
I think about my funeral, honestly I think about it a lot. Who would cry? Who would speak? What flowers would they leave? Would they bury me in a dress? I wonder what song will be played as they lay me to rest. I really hope that Sirius doesn't go through my room. But I know that nosy prick will. He'd steal all his clothes back. I imagine my gravestone.
Desdemona Black.
2009 - 2025
Beloved sister and daughter.
All my friends and family are in black. Barty would fiercly advocate for Jeff Buckley or Mazzy Star but Mum would play something classical. White peonies line the church as Mum and Dad lie about how I didn't spend all my life in my room. It's an open casket with me in the middle, settled amongst satin in a stupid-looking white dress. They'd smear me in makeup and pretend I wasn't pale anyway.
Nobody would call me Regulus. It's not like I have the courage to ask people to call me that. I know certain people would. Not my parents. Never my parents. If I pull myself up I'll rot. I'll be feminine until I die. Desdemona Black. That's who I am. Regulus is a figment of my imagination. A hope. A childish dream. That will never be real.
I let go and close my eyes. The bubbles leave my mouth and nose violently. My lungs hurt. My heart hurts. I pray to be nothing but someone's dead friend. I can hear nothing but the bass of this stupid fucking song. I always thought about the last song I'd ever hear. I never thought it would be something so utterly ridiculous. something so... upbeat.
In the end, it doesn't matter. In the end, I'm just a girl. hips and breasts that make me nauseous no matter how much I cover. I will always be an object to someone. whether that's a boy in the school hallway or my parents. God... just shut up. I've never had this much to say in my life. Why start now?
In the midst of my self-pity, I didn't notice how Barty had rushed into the water. I realize I am half dead as he yanks me from the water. By the underarms like I'm a bad animal. I'm finally able to come to my senses and start coughing up water. It burns like hell. It hurts more than anything I have experienced. Barty's clothes are all wet from his sternum down. his manky white Buzzcocks shirt is darkened. I drowned in shallow fucking water.
"Fuck, Dez, what happened!?" Barty has me by the waist now as he wades out of the water. Everyone is crowded on the rocks. They all look like they're in different stages of shock. And it comes to me that I've done it again. It's about me. I've started the new year off with something horrible. Something just so narcissistically tragic.
I don't respond I'm too preoccupied with the notion I was more than willing to let myself die in the scariest way I can imagine. He sits me on the smooth rock before he hauls himself up. Pandora slams into me and Dorcas helps Barty out of the water. It's sobering really. For them as well I'm sure of it. They're talking over each other so much it's giving me a headache. The cold was ignored before when the alcohol in my system was at its peak but now it's heinous. My favourite green jumper was sticking to my body making me all the more aware of how... THERE I really am. Everything is so confusing. Everything is spinning. My chest fucking hurts. Bile is rising up my fucking throat. And everyone is touching me or speaking at me. The thing that more or less set me off was Dorcas wiping my fringe away from my face.
Funny how a tiny gag sends people running. Funny how vomiting makes me want to cry for my mother. Even if I know my mother has never given me that comfort I really need in this haze. It must look pathetic, some kid curling into themself while they wipe their mouth with their sleeve. It's embarrassing but I can't stop crying. All I can think about is just how good a hug would be right now. But if someone touched me I might just have to jump right back in. I don't want them to feel me under their skin.
"Barty give her some bloody room alright? Jesus- okay- I think we need to call the ambulance this is serious." Dorcas breaks through the cacophony of distress. I'm the only one to respond with a desperate, near to silent wail of a protest.
I can tell they're all looking at one another. I can tell they think they have some kind of responsibility over me. I can tell Barty is getting antsy to help. He always fucking does that. Sticks his head in my business until I crack and let him in. It makes me feel ill to think about how much I want him to do that now.
Pandora squats down beside me. I know it's her because I can see her shoes. Blue Converse that she tows around to every event she can. I can hear the rustle of her coat as she reaches to touch my shoulder. I flinch so she doesn't lay a warm ring-clad hand on me. I feel her hover over me.
"Dezzie, are you alright?" Her stupid voice makes me sniffle and cover my face. This is demeaning. It's heinous.
"I'm FINE. I just don't want the fucking ambulance."
Her silence that follows makes me feel bad for snapping. I felt bad as soon as it left my mouth.
"Alright..."
"What!?" Barty was the loudest to protest. " Pandora are you fucking kidding me?! She was underwater for- for- Fuck! Too long! That's not alright-"
"Look- she- she's told us no. Look just- call Sirius and let him know okay? That's the most we can do" I can tell she's just trying to keep the peace. I really just don't like making a fuss.
It takes me a while to prop myself up on my knees but by the time I have everything has been put away and Barty is sulking off to the side, chainsmoking. He hasn't looked at me. Which means he's mad in my book. At least his stupid Bluetooth speaker has been shut off. Pandora on the other hand has not stopped bloody staring at me. It's like she's waiting for me to drop so she can prove she knows CPR. Evan comes by and drops his jacket around my shoulders. I look up to see him.
"Come on mate, I'll drop you off yeah?"
I nod and pray to god that I'm not pouting. I hate that they treat me like I'm some child who can't remember when we as a society used predominantly CDs. That's what I get for hanging out with people who are the same age as my brother. But I act more mature sometimes. I think it's the pressure to be perfect. Not to ruin the already self-pitying vibe but I am sad. I'll admit that.
As we start walking back to Evans van I take a mental note of what everyone is up to. Dorcas is up the front, giving directions as she's probably the only one who could pass a breath test right now. Pandora is holding my hand and chiming into the conversation every now and then. Evan and Barty are sharing a cigarette while they use their combined strength to hold the ice box as well as bicker. God, why do couples always have to bicker?
"Dez? Y' sure you're okay? you seem quiet." Pandora said softly with a smile. As if I'm not always quiet. At least constant bickering is entertaining.
"Yeah. I'm sure. Sorry for yelling at you." It's the first thing I've said in ages and I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to cry hearing myself talk. It's hoarse and rugged and just oh so broken. Like a boy's.
"Oh shut up, it's fine. Look at me I'm fine." I want to punch her for being so sweet about everything. She's making me want to cry. I can't ever return the favour of that sweetness I just don't have it in me.
I fade out of viewpoint as we make it back to the van. Everyone is settled into the peeling leather seats, me in the back, Pandora and Barty next to me, and Dorcas and even in the front. We started sitting like this when I first came into the group. Dorcas and Evan are the only ones with licences anyway.
Once Dorcas has worked the key off her carabiner we're on the move. The mood has been irreparably damaged but not enough for silence. That's the thing with these people nothing is happening without some kind of music or chatter. And I couldn't comprehend chatter right now so I'm thankful for whoever's phone is plugged in. I hum along carefully because I can't help it. I like the song.
Avoiding all work
'Cause there's none available
Like battery thinkers
Count your thoughts
On one-two-three-four-five fingers-
"Oi, Dez" Evan snaps me out of it and I look up. We're at the Rosier's house. First stop as always. Copenhagen street. Pandora's house is a block away. Evan always walks her. I can't imagine living so very close to my cousin. They're even friends. It's odd.
"Huh?"
"Rest up yeah? Sirius'll take care of you I made him promise." Evan grinned and reached through the door to ruffle my hair. He really must've been sloshed. Or sympathetic of me I guess. That's always a possibility. Nobody in their right mind would believe that:
A) my brother would take care of me or
B) Touch my hair.
But I still have his jacket so I don't winge.
"Yeah... fine... see you at school" I wave a little and give them a smile as they hop out. Pandora kisses me on the cheek before she closes the door.
"Bye Dez! Happy New Year!" Pandoras's voice is muffled as she talks with a grin. She shows off the gap in her teeth as she waves us goodbye.
I'm sure I'll think about that affection a lot later.
The ride was oddly silent. The next stop is me and it's only a 3-minute drive away but still. I expect silence from Dorcas but not Barty. Never Barty. He's mad at me. He hasn't stopped smoking the whole time. He's got the window down and I'm freezing but I can't ask him to close it because he's mad. Oh god, he's my best friend, I can't disappoint him. He'd be mad. He can't be mad. I'm aware of the fidgeting I'm doing with my remaining ring, I lost the other one in the river. He's disappointed. I ruined his clothes.
I have never been so thankful to see my home before. I wipe my eyes as subtly as I could and opened the car door. I lean through the window and wave at Dorcas.
"Thanks for the ride... 'm sorry I ruined everything for everyone."
"Dez. You've got nothing to be sorry for" Dorcas smiled kindly. She smiled softly. God, I wish I was as cool as her. "It's okay love, Happy New Year."
"...Yeah I guess... happy new year"
I stand up straighter and look across the road to the Potters house... Sirius had probably just come home from their party. He practically lives there. I don't like to think about James for too long. He makes me more confused than drowning does.
"Oi, Black."
I look at the van to see Barty leaning out of the window. He looks serious. Uh oh. He's going to have a go at me.
"I'm not mad. I know how you think"
No, you don't... I wish I could snap but I'm just relieved he doesn't hate me. I just look down embarrassingly red in the cheeks and mumble words adjacent to apologies.
"See you Tuesday... prick..." I glance up and he's grinning. It makes me smile. I wave again instead of speaking. I don't have words good enough.
They drive away and I glance at the house opposite of my own for a second before turning to my own. Mum and Dad aren't home. They're still in France. I'm too drunk to remember all the details I never cared about in the first place. The light in Sirius' room is on... God... I don't want him to care about what happened. I just want to sleep for the rest of this year. I sigh a bit too deeply and my chest hurts enough to make me cough which only further hurts it. Something feels really off. Like someone is looking at me. So logically I don't turn around. Let that murderer kill me. Let me die a second time for all I care. I don't care. Live or die I am Desdemona.
My jeans squelch as I drag my feet up the stairs. My keys were thankfully spared from the river's wrath so I slipped in unnoticed. Once I close the door the staring feeling doesn't stop. Sirius doesn't notice me walking in.