Sometimes I Wake Up And It's Dark
☼𐂂☼
James
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James rarely spent much time without Marlene, Frank and Peter. They all lived around a ten minute walk from each other.
James always grew up rich, all of his friends had. His parents both had him in their forties after trying for years for a child. Euphemia and Fleamont had grown so used to having miscarriages that when Euphemia was in labour she was convinced she was having another one. So the two - even though they always wanted one - never got the bustling family and busy home full of all their kids that they dreamed of. And though it isn’t the usual experience, James grew up so loved it didn’t matter.
When James was 4 and Frank was 5 he practically moved in with his own room he could stay in whenever he wanted. Frank’s father cheated on his mother with women who were freshly 18 - at least James hopes they were 18 at all - and when his mother found out and confronted him about it he left, not being trackable so they couldn’t even try to get any child support - not that Augusta needed it with how generationally wealthy the Longbottoms were. She’d changed her and Frank’s name back to Longbottom after his father left - the name being more notable amongst people as Augusta’s father was a famous actor though he died before Frank was even born. Frank’s father ran off like the coward he is, not bothering himself with his son ever again, almost like he forgot he ever existed - which is a huge shame seeing as he missed out on a wonderful son for a bunch of women who only saw him for his money. So Frank became like a brother to James. They met at one of the many community events James’ parents dragged him to when he was too young to stay at home on his own - causing a lifelong friendship to develop between the two boys.
James was introduced to Peter when he was 5. The boy was in his year for school. He was shy and no one wanted to talk to him so James decided to. Even though his bright personality already had everyone wanting to be his friend he’d decided on Peter - much to the small boy’s shock at the time.
James and the two boys became inseparable after they’d all met, joining the same kid’s football team so they’d get to spend even more time together.
When James was 5 he was introduced to Marlene through Peter. He’d always been close with his neighbour, forming the four that stayed almost inseparable. All James’ life he’d always had the house his friends would go to - it being the biggest and also most welcoming of all of them and all.
His chacha lived with him and his parents, who graciously let him use the garage next to their house to be used for band practice. James always loved his chacha, he was always very irresponsible which - for children like James and his friends - was like a dream. He’d always let the four of them watch their practices whenever they wanted and when Frank turned 13 he let them all drink for the first time as long as they promised to not tell his parents - which they didn’t of course.
When James was 10, Frank started secondary school. He immediately got on their football team for year 7s and was noticeably their best player. They lost almost every game, all of them playing abysmally though not Frank. He was good though one good player can’t win you games if the rest are rubbish as Frank had to learn. The three wouldn’t miss the games for anything, rain or shine they’d be there supporting their friend. Frank started being like an idol to James during this time, he wanted to be exactly whatever made Frank, Frank.
At 11 the three all joined the same school and James and Peter instantly joined the team. They realised - ultimately too late - that there was no girl’s team at their school. Marlene was angry and upset but James, Peter and Frank decided to play with her at home even more than before. Even if they’d just come home from practice absolutely shattered, they’d grin and bare it for Marlene. Though still she’d come to support them. Every game James would turn to the stands to wave at her like a maniac because he was so happy to have someone he cared about coming to watch every game and cheer for him like he dreamed he’d have many years from now. This did start people rumouring they were dating but they didn’t care. They were family and that was it.
At 12 Marlene came out to James as a lesbian. James was happy for her, reassuring her that it didn’t matter to him and that he wouldn’t tell a soul. Obviously Peter and Frank knew too but it was their little secret. Marlene made a friend with a girl named Nichole in her English, quickly integrating her with their group. She was nice and she also loved football - James would be shocked if Marlene made friends with someone if they didn’t. She’d recently moved to England from Egypt teaching James Arabic because he asked, adding to his list of English and Hindi.
At 13 James’ life started to go to shit. James started to feel uncomfortable in his own skin, it felt like there was something calling to him that he’d never even known, or maybe someone. Like he was missing someone he’d never even met - which has to be impossible. He got his first girlfriend called Ashleigh, the girl was as pretentious as her name but also incredibly forgettable. Though she managed to worm her way into James’ brain forever accidentally. James was going over to her house after practice - letting himself in through the backdoor like she’d told him to many times. When he got there she was lounging about in her room with her friends telling them that: “James is nice but he’s a bit tubby isn’t he? Like… he’s an athlete, if he ever wants to get anywhere with that he has to cut back on the food.” James immediately left, going home and she didn’t even ask why he hadn’t shown up - not that that was the main thing on his mind and James didn’t reach out after then and so the two didn’t speak again - not that James really cared. Ever since that day James started to count his calories. He’d refuse to go to restaurants with his family if they didn’t tell him where they were going so he could look up the menu to figure out what would be healthy enough on there and if he couldn’t find anything that fit with his very lofty standards he’d beg his parents to let him stay home and they’d let him. He started staying home whenever he could, going to and from school and nothing else. He refused to go to the cafe after school with his friends like they used to every day because he didn’t want to be tempted or to make anyone wonder why he didn’t order anything. Though every time he’d come to school and realise he’d missed some great inside joke, making him feel even more isolated and it was his own fault.
James started distancing himself from Marlene, Nichole and Peter because he was becoming unlikeable - short and angry almost all the time - and they all had each other anyway, James had just been there to bring them together, his purpose was fulfilled. Though Frank practically lived with James so no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t do anything without his parents realising anything was wrong; they had enough to worry about.
James’ heart was aching for relief he could only get from someone he’d never even met.
At 14 James spent absolutely no time with any of his friends unless he was around his parents because he didn’t want to worry them. James had practically stopped eating at this point - all his bones poking through his dark skin. He always wondered if that was enough for an athlete or if he needed to go harder, but he never bothered asking Ashleigh because she didn’t know he was there and it would be odd to talk to a girl you haven’t texted in a year.
One random day at the end of Autumn, James was approached after practice by these year 11 boys. They had always seemed cool and older to James - and he had had a crush on one of them the whole time he’d known him. They made him seem big and they didn’t care about him. James knew. He was happy for it, whenever they made him do something reckless that could kill him he’d do it, not fully caring if he would because he was sure no one would miss him. He pushed away everyone that cared - that was his fault and he knew it.
One Friday, they approached him while he was getting ready to go home after practice. Frank was in the room but he left quickly after the boys started talking to James - he definitely hated James for leaving him to be friends with them but he was doing him a favour because if he didn’t he’d have to bother himself with caring about James and that only meant trouble. The boys practically forced him to come to a party with them - which he was sure would be full of people who didn’t know or care for him. He didn’t exactly want to but he didn’t want to be seen as weak, he didn’t know what they’d do if they thought that of him but James didn’t want to find out. When he’d left the changing rooms Frank was waiting outside - it must have been for him as he was the only one left in there - but James practically ran from him, not wanting to get in a fight with him like he imagined Frank would. Though the guilt started eating him alive from the second Frank's shouts stopped reaching his ears and Frank’s face was no longer in his sight.
James hated the party instantly. Once he’d gotten in there the boys had all formed a circle around him so he couldn’t leave. One of them had left to go to what James imagined was a kitchen, returning not even a minute later was a cup full of some alcohol he’d probably already been given by his chacha so when they handed it to him he drank it almost instantly.
That was a mistake.
It tasted saltier than anything his chacha made him. Though James didn’t think about it.
James forgot almost everything after drinking that cup. He would be happy to not remember that night - at least he should be. Though James woke up in the garden his jacket, shirt, trousers and underwear strewn across the lawn - almost everywhere but on his body - and the contents of his bag also dumped across the lawn like someone was rummaging through it. He felt sick but tried to push it to the back of his mind. He didn’t think he drank anything other than that one cup so why can’t he remember anything and why is he so hungover?
James quickly put his clothes back on - not looking at his ugly bony figure like always - wincing as horrific patchy memories rushed through his mind. He hoped it was all in his head because just the thought that they could have hypothetically happened made him sick to his stomach. He couldn’t find much proof that whatever was happening in his mind was real though he wasn’t exactly looking for any. He didn’t want to even imagine that they were anything but silly worries, a nightmare rushing back into his head he hoped.
He finally found his phone in some bush and called his maa - who had not stopped calling him since around 5.30 pm because he would have usually come home half an hour before then but he was at some stupid party he was too scared to say no to going to and he didn’t tell anyone because of course he forgot. His phone was full of calls from everyone who had his number basically. He felt so guilty. Why didn’t he just go with Frank when he had the chance?
James’ maa picked him up. He was frozen from being outside all night in the middle of winter. When he finally got into the car she looked angry - deserved - though that instantly melted away when she fully saw him, tears in her eyes that James didn’t understand. She then pointed out the bruises on his collarbone.
on his collarbone…
Bruises his collarbone…
Bruises on collarbone…
Bruises on his …
Bruises on collarbone…
Bruises his collarbone…
on his collarbone…
Bruises his collarbone…
Bruises on collarbone…
Bruises on his …
Bruises on collarbone…
Bruises his collarbone…
on his collarbone…
James hated his body. His dirty disgusting body. He felt sick and used. He was just an object for people to use and then leave to freeze where anyone could have seen him once they had taken their fill.
He hated being right.
When he finally got home everyone who could have been in his living room was sat there waiting for him. His paapa hugged him almost immediately - his maa had already told him what she’d found out but James was sure that he would have done this anyway, his son had been missing for over 12 hours, he was bound to worry. Frank looked so guilty - he told James he blamed himself because he could have stopped them if he tried hard enough but he didn’t. Marlene looked at him with so much guilt and pity he didn’t know how to feel. Peter was looking at James like he didn’t recognise him - like he was a traitor - and he couldn’t blame him for that. Nichole had immediately jumped from the sofa where she was hugging Marlene to wrap James in a much needed hug. James had sobbed and sobbed on her for what felt like hours and she didn’t seem to want to make him stop so he didn’t. He let it all out. James’ chacha was also there, leaning against Frank like he was trying to comfort him saying he was at fault because he’d gotten James too used to drinking without knowing what he was in his cup at 14. Too used to it that he could tell his maa confidently that he was sure that he was drugged because it doesn’t take one drink to practically black out.
James hated it. He was stuck in a room full of people who were too busy wrapped up in their own thoughts and feelings - blaming themselves for it when that’s the last thing James needs or cares about. Too busy thinking about themselves to even bother trying to comfort the 14 year old boy who’d just been forced to go to some party that he didn’t even want to be at and then drugged and raped and was too obviously not doing well - as should be expected. The only people who weren't being selfish were his parents - which makes sense as they’re adults - and Nichole - a child who he’d tried to make hate him was more emotionally mature than his own chacha who was 36.
James felt a slight resentment towards everyone else in that room even though he knew that wasn’t fair.
James decided to never press charges. Marlene was so angry about it telling him that because he didn’t want to waste his time - because he knew how it would end if he bothered trying to get justice for it - that he was just as responsible for anyone else that falls a victim to the 16 year old boy who Jame had finally gotten over his crush on. That he might as well join them and help them out with it. Frank would always have to wrangle Marlene out of the room while Nichole had to remind him that it’s not true and that it’s not his fault. James would always notice how silent Peter became whenever this came up - he knew he agreed with Marlene but he would never try to get Peter to tell him that because he hears it enough from Marlene and his mind whenever he’s alone with his thoughts.
James was pretty much ordered to spend all of his time with the four again. He tried to be as loud and bubbly as he was when he was 12 and it seemed to work. His friends started treating him like the past two years hadn’t happened at all. He went to the cafe with them but he wouldn’t have anything - sure he wouldn’t give into temptations. After every visit to the cafe the five friends would go to James’ house and play football until Frank and James were called to help maa with dinner.
His heart still ached for a comfort that was never there.
When James was 15 he was forced into therapy. He hated it but he had no choice. It was either give up football or go to therapy. He didn’t tell them about not eating - because no one had brought it up so he saw no reason to burden his parents with another worry about their son - or the missing the comfort of someone he’d never met but he talked about hating himself. He spoke about feeling uncomfortable in his skin though most of his time was spent talking about the party about how he felt no control over his own body anymore. They always assured him he did but that wasn’t enough. Nothing they were doing was but what could he do?
It wasn’t enough to stop him from passing around his body to whoever asked him for it because that’s all he’d been told his body was for. Ever since he was 13 he’d been shown his body was only there to be ogled and looked at because what else could anyone want from him?
He knew if anyone knew about it they’d think he was some disgusting slut. Normal victims don’t throw themselves around; they usually do the opposite. They freeze when it comes to sex but James doesn’t. He doesn’t actually remember most of what happened to him that night, just flashes and that’s enough. Though he knows that’s not why he’s suddenly let everyone use him. He knows that’s all he was made for, not for football or to tell his friends stupid facts about deer that he’d found wherever he could find them like he would when he was younger because he thought about those two things so much there was almost no room in his brain for anything else. It’s his purpose. It’s better to be useful for something shameful than to not be useful at all. Better that than a waste of space and human resources.
The five friends all enrolled in some special school for football they would be going to in the Autumn called Hogwarts. Come September the five were all on their way to middle of nowhere Scotland.