Pre log
She slammed the bathroom door in his face. Peeling the jacket off her body with a huff, attempting to get some air. Why was he so upset with her? He was meant to be her best friend for fucks sake, but good Godric did he change when she’d broken it off with him six whole months ago! They’d gotten into a fight, she didn’t want kids, he did and he wanted them now. There was just no compromise, she’d loved him of course. More than she thought possible, but he’d grown… different. He wasn’t the man she’d fallen in love with, she couldn’t admit the resentment growing in her chest towards him, towards the war, Harry.
“Hermione, I just don't get it,” Ron banged his fist on the door.
“Piss off Ron!” They’d just gotten back from a low stakes mission, gaining intel to plan their next attack, and finding some clues as to where the last two horcruxes were hidden. She heard voices behind the door. They could all just piss off. Death eaters had entered the church they were hiding at, Hermione was dueling one, Ron the other. He’d taken down one with an Avada, urging Hermione to do the same and she wouldn’t. It was two versus one. He’d done it “for her”.
Another knock on the door, “Mione’ Kingsley wants to speak to you.” Stupid prick.
She swung open the door, “Fine.”
“Miss Granger take a seat, how are you?” Kingsley sat across from her staring at her with kind eyes.
“I’m fine.” She didn’t sit. She knew he would be upset about her refusal to commit murder.
“Mr Wesley, has informed me that you refused to kill, yet again.” he pursed his lips together.
She blew out a breath “Kingsley this is ridiculous!”
“Miss Granger, this is not up for discussion. If I cannot guarantee that you will fight for our cause-” He clasped his fists together on his desk, sitting across from her.
“I AM FIGHTING!”
“Miss Granger I simply will not tell you again, we cannot win this war using non-lethal curses.” His stupid calm demeanor radiated through the room. "This war has raged outside for two years too long."
“Then I’ll work in the hospital, that’s where I am most of the time now anyways. I’m an exceptional healer, you know that!” She begged.
“I am aware of your talented healing skills but I’m afraid that our healers need to be trained in combat just as they are in healing. I will not compromise the safety of my people and the cooperation of the muggle army. You know we have to protect them too. Not everyone can wield a wand on our side of the fence.”
“So you’d rather turn us all into cold blooded killers?” She knew her worth at the order, at least she thought she did. “Harry?”
“I dunno, I think we all have to make compromises for the greater good.” Ginny appeared in the hallway summoning him to speak with her, they whispered among themselves, a sad look overtook Ginny’s smile before she turned with Harry and left.
“Mione, this is stupid, why are you complaining about killing death eaters?” Ron stood behind her.
Hermione turned sharply towards him, “I will not murder people!”
“Do you really think that death eaters deserve mercy?!” Ron huffed, she could have sworn you could see the steam rising off his hot head.
“Of course not, that's not what I'm saying!”
“What are you some death eater lover or something huh, feel sympathy for them. Poor them they have to fight in a war they started!” With that Ron turned on his heel and stormed out of the office.
“Miss Granger, Ronald is right.”
“I will not do it.” she folded her arms across her chest sitting herself back in the chair.
“Then you do not have a place in the Order of the Phoenix.” he stated simply.
This cannot be happening, she’d devoted her life to this! To the order! To Harry and Ron!
“And you will be sentenced to death.”
Her jaw fell open, she knew he was getting old and more paranoid by the minute but this was… Different. Words failed her. Kingsley stood, pulling out his wand. Rattling on about lack of resources to accommodate those who couldn’t contribute. Hermione panicked, she bolted out of the room and ran, footsteps that pounded behind her were ignored. Hermione didn’t stop running, wand in hand past the wards, as soon as she crossed them she disappeared in a loud crack of apparition.
She landed in Hampshed, red brick buildings surrounded her. She was out the front of her old house, the entire left side of the house had been reduced to rubble. She scanned the street, other houses were much the same, some with blankets and boards covering the windows, others ceased to exist. Hermione walked into the house she used to call a home. There was nothing left, she’d made sure of it after she sent her parents to Australia. Any evidence of her or her parents ever living here ceased to exist. Not even a photo, drawing, DNA, nothing. Her heart ached, she knew it was for the best of course. They were young enough they could’ve had another kid, or adopted. They had a whole new life, while Hermione's had fallen apart. She found a small diary in what used to be her living room, the writing that once filled it cover to cover had disappeared, she shoved it under her arm along with a muggle pen.
She couldn’t stay, they’d come looking for her. Try to reason with her or simply drag her to her deathbed. But the order no longer felt safe. Kingsley had sentenced her to death without another thought, he seemed to have made the decision as easily as blinking. Tears welled in her eyes. First her parents, then Ron, then Harry, now she couldn’t even throw herself into her work to distract herself. She had nothing. She walked through to the back of the house to the small garden shed. She found a tent, a start, she didn't bother charming it to expand like she had when herself, Harry and Ron were hunting down horcruxes before the Battle of Hogwarts. She didn’t have anything to put in it. She repaired the few holes before setting off on foot north to avoid the safe houses scattered across the country.
She knew how badly the war was going, she’d seen the injured herself. Healing took up most of her time these days, well it did. Muggle and magic alike were fighting together. Voldemort had started attacking Muggle society after the battle of Hogwarts. Twice the army, twice the injury’s. As the sun started to set she set up her tent, waving concealment charms around it. Before huddling into it with her wand as light she began to write;
Ordered to kill no questions asked?? I have devoted my entire fucking life to the order! I research everything, I make every stupid battle plan, I heal every soldier in combat, I do everything for them! I have one condition: no unforgivable curses but that is obviously too much to bloody ask for isn’t it. Ron thinks i’m just a death eater lover with no soul because I don’t want children, Godric he’s so stupid. He bagged me out after everything we’ve been through, just because he knows how to hold a bloody grudge. I mean I know we’re losing the war slowly but that isn’t an excuse. When we started using unforgivables it was a team vote to fight fire with fire and we were allowed to opt out if we didn’t feel it was right. That was the order I joined, but now how is the order any better than the dark lord if we start killing our team mates for disobedience! I have spent months trying to convince Kinglsey to give me the same pardon as Harry, all for nothing I suppose since I'm in the woods camping out like a bloody fugitive. I still remember the first time I killed, the first time I just avada. It was all an accident, a teenaged boy woke to us in his house. We were after his father, kid hadn't even taken the mark yet. I slipped at the force of the curse, directing it straight at his chest. For a moment the world stopped spinning, it was silent for a moment until the blood curdling screams of his father's realization filled my ears, he screamed for days until his execution. I vowed to myself that I'd never kill unless my life or someone else's was in danger and I held that undetected until Ron started to rat me to Shackbolt.
I think the Gryffindor inside me died today, I think I ran and I sold my bravery. I ran away, I lost my fight, my will. I lost me.
Hermione J Granger.