Chapter 1
“I am so fucking sorry Shauna” While it is a plea and last stitch effort to save his life, but he really does mean. Sure, he doesn’t know shit about child birth and there was nothing he could’ve done to save that baby, but one of his biggest regrets in life will be leaving Shauna and the rest of the girls to shoulder a burden that was too big for their shoulders at far too young of an age. He doesn’t expect her to accept it, not really, but he needs to say it and for them to hear. It’s the least he can do.
“Ok.” He’s confused at first, he hadn’t exactly expected a response when he started his speech, let alone from Shauna.
“Ok?” He questions, ok, could mean a lot of things and unfortunately his life hangs on what version of ok Shauna means in this context.
“Ok” she repeats firmly before heading back into camp and back to her hut he guesses.
“Tai’s what’s it called when the court breaks for a bit?” Nat asks, breaking the silence that has overtaken the group since Shauna left.
“It’s called a Recess.” Tai explains, not unkindly, looking off in the direction that Shauna went in.
Nat officially calls a recess and quickly hurries off, likely to find Shauna he assumes. Tai and Van follow not far behind, leaving the rest of the girls to trickle out into camp. Ben’s not exactly sure where he should go, ever since they found him in the caves they’ve been keeping him in their makeshift jail that doubles as a farm. He would prefer not to go back there, but he isn’t sure if he’s welcome. So, he decides it’s in his best interest to remain in their little court room until they return.
“Nat and Shauna are dating now.” Are the first words out of Misty’s mouth once she feels comfortable that no one is returning anytime soon. Ben can’t say he’s shocked that either of them are gay, honestly he’d been shocked that the only two he’d found hooking up where Van and Tai. Shauna and Nat together though was a little surprising, he thought they would’ve went for different people, but it wasn’t too far fetched either.
“That’s nice, I’m glad they were able to find each other.” And he really does mean that, both of them have been through so much and it really does make him happy to hear that they found each other and are seemingly enjoying each others company, even if it’s for the time being.
Misty clearly has more she wants to tell him, either about Shauna and Nat specifically or just about the group as a whole. Sometimes he forgets that these are just teenage girls who like to gossip and care so deeply about the relationships they have with each other. It’s easy to forget given how quickly they’ve had to grow up and mature since their plane dropped from the sky.
Nat returns though and court returns to session, she informs them that Shauna has recused herself from the vote and won’t be participating anymore. No further witnesses are called and she breaks them to deliberate. It doesn’t take very long, the intensity and animosity they all had seemed to have flown out the window once Shauna disappeared.
On the charges of man slaughter and attempted homicide, they find him not guilty.
It’s a little awkward once the trial concludes. There are no closing arguments, just a warning to Misty to not bring up Shauna’s pregnancy again. Clearly none of them had prepared for what to do if they found him innocent, quite frankly he hadn’t exactly prepared either as he had resigned himself to his death this morning. Nat invites him to move into her hut for the time being and she’ll stay with Shauna until they figure out a more permanent solution. She leaves him to get settled and heads off to go tend to something.
There’s not really much for him to do, he didn’t exactly get the chance to save any of his belongings from the cabin before it burnt down and he doesn’t really have anything in the caves that’s worth going to get for now, so he just sits on the pallet Nat’s made to sleep on. He really is impressed with the girls handiwork, from what he can tell they’ve managed to create pretty structurally sound structures and showed some real
ingenuity as they created their little village after losing the cabin.
He tries not to dwell on the conflicting feelings he had for the girls. Just a few months ago he had been willing to write them off as monsters who did terrible things and were beyond saving. But, after seeing them thriving with their new society and pulling themselves out of the darkness of winter gives him hope. It was easy to judge them during the winter when things had gotten tough, he had locked himself in the bedroom and hallucinated his life with Paul; while they all did their best to simply survive.
“Shauna wants to talk to you.”
“Ohh, uhh, sure. She can swing by whenever she wants.” Ben’s a little surprised, given the abruptness of how she left earlier and well everything else that had transpired.
“You sure?”
“I’m sure Nat, tell her she can come talk with me whenever she’s ready.” If she wants to come and yell at him for everything that’s happened, he can sit here and take it.
She doesn’t come immediately, which isn’t a shock to him, a lot of has transpired even these last few days and if she needs to collect her thoughts, she can take all the time she needs. She comes around with Nat a while later. They talk quietly in the entrance, their dynamic intrigues him, it’s unexpected but works he thinks. Whatever their discussing is short lived, Nat pulls Shauna into a quick hug and places a kiss on the side of her head before proclaiming that she has to go check on Misty whose dinner duty tonight.
“Nat mentioned you wanted to talk to me.” He asks breaking the silence, as Shauna sits in front of him. It’s the first time he’s really gotten a look at her since Jackie died honestly and it’s jarring how much she’s changed. She looks exhausted, the bags under her eyes are deep and even in the way she carries herself he notices just how drained she seemed to be. None of the girls look great, but there’s a certain exhaustion in Shauna that is unique to her, which makes sense when he thinks about it. She’s lost all the pregnancy weight and she’s just as thin and malnourished as the rest of the girls. She still looks young though, looking barely older then she did when tried out for the team freshman year.
“You apologized.” Is all she says, Shauna’s never been an overly talkative person, but he was hoping she would offer him a little more to go off of.
“I did and I meant.” His apology was genuine and it’s important to him that she understands that.
“You apologized and stayed. Why?” He’s getting the sense that the stilted and aggravated questioning is the best he’s going to get from Shauna for now.
“Listen, I wasn’t lying when I said all I did was press play on a VHS tape every year and that I didn’t really know shit about child birth; but I was the adult and I should have stayed and tried to help you get through it. Sometimes I forget you guys are just teenagers and that leaving you all to deal with that on your own would’ve been stressful for a group of adults, let alone a bunch of high schoolers.”
“As for why I stayed, I was making doing the caves, but I’m not going to lie; what you guys did here is a lot better than how I was living out there.”
They sit in silence for a few moments, Shauna’s always been hard to read, a good kid who was a hell of a soccer play, but always a bit quiet and guarded. It made her one of the more tolerable students he’d ever worked with as she was generally content to be left alone with her book or journal.
“My dad left when I was a kid. Told me and my mom he just couldn’t handle it anymore and left, haven’t seen him sense. He divorced my mom a few years ago when he had a new family.” He’s a bit jarred by Shauna’s sudden desire to open up.
Ben’s been a high school teacher for long enough though to understand what she’s doing. She’s telling him that by leaving her during labor, felt like when her dad left her as a kid and that’s why she was so hellbent on punishing him before. It’s not an apology, but he doesn’t need one, the sentence alone is enough context and motivation for everything to fall into perspective for him. Back home there were four kids who had never had a parent show up to a regular season game: Natalie, Lottie, Van and Shauna. Lottie’s parents were typically out of town on business to a borderline neglectful extent, Van, Nat and Shauna all came from single parent homes. Van and Nat’s mothers were absent at best and at worst probably warranted more then one wellness check they had called to each of their homes over the four years.
Shauna on the other hand had a mother who was present, but because money was tight, seemed to work round the clock to make enough to support their family. All of them were flagged for him and Bill to keep an extra eye on and made sure they got a little extra attention if necessary, Shauna though had fallen even through their cracks. Sure, her mom was a bit of a workaholic, but other then that she had seemed to have a relatively normal home life; it was easier to write her off as ok and focus more of their attention on Van or Nat who were in borderline unsafe homes. Overlooked and undervalued far before they even ended up in the wilderness.
“I’m really sorry about that Shauna, he’s a shitty person for doing that and you and your mom deserved better.” It’s clearly something that she needed to hear, because once he tells her, she seems more settled. He knows that one conversation is going to undo all the years of hurt that have been pilling up, but he knows how important it is from his own childhood, to hear that sometimes your parents are shitty and don’t show up the way their supposed to and that his failure to maintain a relationship with her, is not her fault.
“I heard you and Nat are dating now?” He asks, after a prolonged stretch of silence. While, having this chat with Shauna was probably long over due and likely was something she needed to do; he can tell that she’s reached the threshold of emotional and personal feelings she’s willing to divulge, so he decides it’s best to shift the conversation.
“Fucking Misty.”
“Don’t be too hard on her, but she did tell me.” He chuckles, which earns a crumble from Shauna who clearly disagrees with him.
“I thought you two were a bit of an odd pairing at first, but you suit each other. I’m glad that you have each other.” That earns a bit of a smile from Shauna, clearly more comfortable to discuss her relationship with Nat.
“Yeah, I’m glad I have her too…” She sighs
“I have to go finishing preparing the meat for the rest of the week.” She explains, getting up and moving to the entryway of the hut.
“I’m glad we didn’t kill you coach.”