Sirius walked though the cold winter night with his hogwarts trunk, the day after a Christmas him and his parents kicked him out for his abysmal behavior at the Black holiday party. By abysmal, they meant how Sirius at only 15 snuck a bottle of liquor to his room and drank till he passed out. Being woken up by his mother yelling at him for stealing and for not playing good eldest son. She forced him to get up she fixed his hair, as she told him he needed to cut it because it was getting too long, all things he’s heard of before. He spent the rest of the holiday party with bloodshot eyes, having to look after his younger cousins so they didn’t get into the licor table like he had done.
And now here he was the party ended and just a few hours ago and his father yelled at him for being wasted at their holiday party, how he can’t set a good example and how much of a failure he was, when Sirius went to talk back he just got a slapped by his father and he told him to leave the house. Kreacher had already packed his trunk and handed it to him. He just did as he was told and left for Hogwarts a week earlier than the rest.
His feet and hands were numb when he arrived to the station, he washed his face in the bathroom. God what he’d give for it just to end now, he raised his jacket sleeves and looked at himself in the mirror. Snow covered him, his cheeks and nose flushed pink due to the cold. He got a hair tie and tied it back he headed back to the train station, watching the clock as he ran though the walls in platforms 9 and 10. He looked around and saw a few students who were also returning back early.
On the train he warmed up, and changed into his school uniform. He laid on the chairs as his mind went over all the hurtful things his father called him and his mother just watched grinning. He closed his eyes hoping to forget once he woke up again. He crashed on to the floor and he grumbled getting up and holding his head, bad habit to sleep on this god damn train. He heard giggles, he glanced out the window and saw two slythrin girls walking they turn to them and the brunette smiled “Hey Sirius~ why are you on the floor?” She asked in a teasing tone, he forced a grin “Tripped over my feelings for you gorgeous~” she laughed at his response as pink flushed her cheeks “Oh Sirius, you’re such a tease” her friend rolled her eyes. “You can join us too if you’re feeling so left out Marry.” Sirius sat on the seat and leaned back running a hand through his hair.
His self destructive nature always followed him, two girls at the same time? He shook his head as he left the empty classroom pulling his robes up and ran to Gryffindor tower. So many thoughts filled his head, he hoped having some sex would clear his head. It only made it worse. His stomach turned as he ran to the portrait of the fat lady, he could nearly keep his head on straight. He mumbled the password and stumbled on inside, he usually didn’t skip meals but his appetite was gone. He entered the bedroom he shared with his friends, usually filled with laughter but now it was cold and empty with all of them at home for winter break. Sirius laid on his bed and looked up at the star constellation painted on the roof of his bed. The red tapestries in the room made his head spin.
A lion in a house full of snakes.
It made his stomach crawl, his mind made him remember each detail on their fights. Very day during winder break it was constant fighting in the house, between him, his dad, his dad getting his mom involved, making the argument spark again and it was just this constant cycle.
He didn’t sleep at all during the night, or the next one, or the next, he didn’t lift from his bed for the next three days… fuck this was torture. He weakly got up and headed to breakfast. He kept his head low, just a few more days and Moony and Prongs were going to be at Hogwarts and he didn’t have to think about this stupid situation anymore. He ate alone, he went to the library to do some work, showered and just headed back to his room.
Some agonizing days later, Sirius waited.
While his friends sat comfortably in the train back to school. Remus looked at the empty space in their compartment. Peter sat next to James while his left was empty, where was Sirius he wondered.. he stood up James noticed and looked up from the parchment he read. “Where you off to Moony?” He grinned a bit intrigued “To see Lily Evans, she borrows a book of mine while on break, and I would like it back.” He simply stated and left the compartment before James could respond.
He searched for Regulus, a third year Slytherin. He looked similar to Sirius if he cared for his parent’s approval, hair nearly styled, properly dressed and proudly wearing the house colors. He chatted with a few girls of his age and house; they stood in stunned silence as the tall 5th year walked up to them. Regulus looked to Remus, he had a nervous look that he hid with a polite but annoyed smile. “Sorry, we’ll move.” He said coolly, “No need. Could I have a word with you Black?” Regulus shot a side glance to his friends before they excused themselves. “What do you want?” His childish annoyance showed as he crossed his arms looking at Lupin. “Where is Sirius?” He replied, the slytherin glanced away “Not-A-Clue.” Regulus shrugged, “He’s your friend, not mine.” He turned to walk away “He’s probably somewhere”
Getting to Hogwarts the welcoming feast back from break was a buzzing one, everyone talking about what they received and how they spent their time. James saves a seat next to him and Remus for Sirius and just before the doors closed he showed up, his usual cocky smile on his face. His hair tied back by his wand so he sat down between his best friends; wrapping his arms around hem in a hug. Giving a hearty laugh “I missed you losers!”
Remus and Peter watched from the seats in the audience as their friends played a practice game with Ravenclaw, this was often a scene between the teams; a playful rivalry where they could be as stupid and reckless as they wanted. Since it was just practice, and there was no house cup at stake. “And Ravenclaw scores again!” The loud voice of a boy Remus never really remembered the name of commentated in the game.
“Woa! Do you see Potter?! He’s standing on his boom! Amazing showcase of balance! What is this? Is he looking at something? Something gold perhaps?!Do the other Ravenclaws notice?! Yes they do!” It was slightly comical. James was using his hand to cover the rays of the sun as he looked like he saw something. It was almost comical, he flew over near Sirius who was a chaser and currently had the quaffle and was going to score a point.
However the Ravenclaw seeker flew right past him after James, knocking him into a spin, Sirius threw the quaffle over to another gryfinder chaser. Remus leaned forward, eyes narrowing as he watched Sirius. He was holding his head and looked a bit dizzy as he looked around to keep playing when suddenly everyone was screaming
“Potter has the snitch!!!” The booming voice exclaimed and the crowd cheers, talking about that amazing that game was and they couldn’t wait for the official game the following week. Remus reached the wall of the stands as he watched Sirius faint from his broom and fall to the grass below. “Sirius!!!”
James ran into the hospital wing, and looked to Remus “What happened?! Did you see it??” He went over watching Sirius lay on his bed, still asleep. “She says it was heat exhaustion.” Remus said and James sighed “It was pretty hot…” Remus looked to Sirius, he didn’t believe that was the only reason why he passed out.
It had been a tough week with studying, homework, tutoring, and practice. Remus watched as Sirius barely ate, skipped lunch in hopes of screwing off during lunch, he laid restlessly in his bed after the laughter with Jame’s and Peter’s died down at lights off. Sirius laid on his bed awake, sometimes adding to the star filled sky on the top of his bed. Remus watched him worries for his friend.
Transfiguration, Remus smiled at the grade he revived and he looked over to Sirius, There was this look in his eyes of fear and dread. “Sirius?” He leaned over to try and look at his paper but he shoved it and put it in his bag. Grabbing it and walking away. “Sirius Black! Where do you think you’re going?” McGonagall said as she went to walk over to him. “I don’t feel well. I’m going to the nurses office.” He looked pale, and he didn’t lift his gaze. “Sirius sit back down.” She said but he didn’t move, “No.” he walked out McGonagall looked shocked. James looked like he had been slapped in the face “Professor! I can go after him-“ James stood up with his hand raised “Sit back down James! Remus. Go after Sirius, make sure he goes to the nurses office.” She tuned back to the lesson James looked at him with such an intense gaze… Remus left his things and ran after Sirius.
Remus caught on to Sirius they took one of the many secret paths they discovered until they were completely alone. “Pads!” Remus calls out and Sirius finally stops but doesn’t look at him. Remus watches his breath leaning on the wall, he had a huge pain in his side. With his illness regular things became a pain, walking fast or running sometime was a hassle, but there was one upside…. He tears Sirius soft sniffles
“Pads what wrong?” He walked over to the black haired boy; “They are going to kill me Remus…” Remus was confused when Sirius turned around to show his Transfiguration paper “D? How’s that possible Sirius? Did you leave this for last minute??” All the hearing in the world still couldn’t grant him the foresight to realize that the words he just said were the wrong ones. Last year Sirius barely passed it’s not that he didn’t know, he didn’t care. Sirius punched Remus knocking him down, he placed a hand on where Sirius punched him. “Leave me alone Moony.” He turned on his heels and continued on.
During lunch Sirius didn’t show up, and he didn’t show up for the afternoon classes, dinner came and went. By the time it was nighttime no one had seen Sirius since he left transfiguration. “Prongs.” Remus walked up to James and Lily, “I need the parchment.” James looked at him confused as hell then it clicked “I don’t have it Remus.” “Then who?” He tried to hide his desperation “Peter.” James looked back to Lily always lost in trying to get laid.
Moony looked for his fourth friend and eventually found him studying for Potions, his worst subject. “Where is the map?” He asked “I- uh- James-“ “He doesn’t have it. Now hand it over.” Remus demanded. He wasn’t usually this hot headed but he couldn’t get the sound of tears away from his ears he needed to make sure Sirius was okay. He had to. “Where it is Wormtail?!” Remus slammed his hands on the table knocking a few things off it. “Sirius told me not to hand it over!”
That bastard, when he got his hands on him..
“When?” He growled
“I- I went to the loo a-and I saw him” he seems almost like he was scared of Lupin “He told me not to hand the map over to you..”
“Did he now?”
“Yes!”
“Well, to hell with that! Hand it over!”
“He made me promise- Remus I-“
“I don’t care!” Remus grabbed him by the cloak and lifted him “Hand. It. Over. Or I will make you.”
Peter handed the map over to Remus and he left the common-room. “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.” Remus said and looked at the map thinking, ‘Sirius.. where are you?’ He watched the map revealed itself to him and he tried to think where he would be, but nothing he couldn’t see him anywhere… where could he be?
Remus walked aimlessly through the halls haphazardly looking at the map.
He’s lost he doesn’t know what to do, he stops randomly to look at the map once more. He needed to find Sirius, what if he was hurt, or worse…. He’d always worry about how reckless Sirius was.
He’d always come from winter and summer break with cuts and bruises, always explained what new dumb idea he had. He’d laugh whenever he got injured at practice and simply walk it off, when he was in dueling club he seemingly didn’t care or react if he got hit or his shield failed. When Remus scratched him badly in the leg when they were out on a full moon Sirius just laughed it off…
No, impossible. No it can’t be true. He’d spent 5 years with Sirius Black and they knew more about each other than anything else. It was simply out of the question!
Remus turned around, a door was there, one he had never seen before. The room of requirements, it appears to those in need… and Remus Lupin needed to find Sirius Black.
He opened the door and saw a small room Sirius was lying on some cushions with his eyes closed. The brunette walked in closing the door as gently as possible. He walked over to the sleeping figure, something smelled off to him, it was a mix of something that he didn’t know. Remus knelt down and saw bottles of whiskey and a pack of smokes on the floor near Sirius. Who had cig in hand with the lighter in the other.
His cheeks were pink, unsure if it was from crying or from being drunk, he leaned closer to investigate. Again somehow foreign wasn’t on his side, as soon as he did Sirius opened his eyes. His gray eyes met his green, “Shit…. I’m hallucinating now…..” Sirius let out a sad laugh. “Fuckin’ brilliant..”
“Sirius” he looked concerned “Holy shit you can speak- I really am going mad aren’t I Moony?” Remus placed the back of his hand on Sirius forehead, he didn’t feel warm. he touched his cheeks, those gray eyes stared at him in such a way Remus couldn’t describe. “Moonyy..” Sirius started “Why are you here?” “To yell at me for ditching class?” “To mock me for being so childish over a D?” Sirius rambled
Remus wasn’t listening, there were many things going through his head. Sirius sleeves were down. Something he never did, not only that he had his school robe, also something he barely did. He needed the answer or he was going to explode, “No, I came here to make you feel better.” He took a swig from the whiskey for some encouragement “Pff- better? how can-“
Sirius wasn’t allowed to finish his sentence as Remus Lupin kissed him. Remus Lupin, his best friend, the boy he’s had a crush since first year. He hopes this dream would never end- Remus when to pull away but Sirius wraped his arms around him and pulled him in once more kissing him back.
They made out, both fighting for control before Sirius gives it up to Remus. Laying on the floor his hair a mess Remus thinks over his options, his mind hazed by the liquor and the fact he was kissing his best fiend and fucking enjoying every second of it. Exploring his mouth tasted like heaven, he went to kiss and mark Sirius neck. He kissed and sucked at a spot behind Sirius ear and left many more that could be hidden by his hair or uniform.. if worn properly. Remus grinned.
Sirius Black looked at him star-eyed “You’re so good for me Sirius” the one below shivers at his praise. Remus smiled and he pressed his knee in between Sirius legs, he moans softly running a hand through his already messy hair. Goodness Merlin… this boy will be the end of him.
Sirius was sooooo over the fucking moon… he didn’t know if this was dream or hallucination but whatever it was he loveddddd it. Moony’s lips were so soft and he just wanted to make out with him again, just thinking about it made him hard. He pulled Remus down to make out with him again, he didn’t know how this happened but Remus had pinned him down to the floor, his strong hand pinning both of his above his head. Their robes somewhere in the room.
Moony ran a hand down Sirius marked neck down to his stomach, then he started to un button his shirt… “M-Moony?” Serious said to him but the sandy haired boy didn’t even look up, focused on taking his shirt off. “Remus! Remus stop!” Sirius tried to squirm but Remus held him in place “Pads just let me-“ Remus went to undo the final button but he got kicked in the stomach “Agh!” Remus held his stomach as he watched Sirius grab his things and bolt.
But now… Remus knew that that mix of smells was, Smoke, Liquor, and Blood.
Remus tore the room apart. But there was no blade or anything to show where the smell of blood could originate from, he stared thinking and thinking. He paced around the whole room over and over thinking. How?, With what? And Why?…..
Sirius came to his room James had clocked him on the way in, so he wasn’t surprised when he came into their dorm only minutes after. “Pads” Sirius looked to James, he didn’t have the energy to present anymore. “Moony was looking for you.” He said as he stepped closer. “Oh I know.” Sirius went to go on his bed and laid down “Why are you acting like this?”
“Piss off James.” Sirius grumbled “I’m not in the mood.”
“You’re doing it again aren’t you?”
James words were cold as ice. “I’m not.” Sirius replied, James had found him once in their 1st year cutting in the boys bathroom. It was a bad day for him, his parents found out that he had been sorted into Gryffindor and they threatened him to just wait when he came back home for break. He didn’t because he was scared, the beating was worse when he went the following summer when term ended.
“Lift your pant legs then.” James crossed his arms as he watched his best friend fall on his bed, Sirius laughed. This was absurd “Take a look for yourself mate!” James took him up on that offer and did just that. Raising his pant leg and looking his high socks, James’s eyes narrowed seeing the healed scars on his friends pale skin.
“Fuckin’ told you. Now let me sleep I’m tired.” Sirius kicked his shoes off and coverd himself with the scarlet blanket on his bed. James backed off into his own bed and sighed. He needs to talk to Remus…
Wormtail was already in bed and sleeping when Moony showed his face in the dorm. “Remus.” James got up from his bed walking to the tan boy that walked in. “Yeah?”
“I need to speak to you about Sirius.”
Remus heart skipped a beat “What about him?”
“When you.. saw him after Transfiguration.. how was he?” James wasn’t his usual cocky self, showing worry and concern.
“Not great.” Remus glanced to the sleeping Sirius “Then again… I really fucked up.”
“What had him so upset?”
“He got a D in his essay. And he punched me because I questioned if he was even trying or being like last year..” he rubbed his cheek where Sirius had punched him.
“Fuckin Merlin Remus…”
“I know.. I was a fucking idiot.”
The two boys stared at the sleeping form of Sirius black, both worried for their friend.
Remus and Sirius barely talked for the rest of the year and the following as well, sort of a mutual understanding that the trust was somewhat broken. Not enough for Sirius to ignore him outright or for Remus to tell James and Peter that Sirius was harming himself.
Something happened over the summer between their 7th and 8th year, no one heard from Sirius. Their owls came back unanswered, when it was time to head in for their final year.. Sirius came to the train station alone, he looked happier. He wore muggle clothes and his hair was styled back. There was something about him that burned a fire within Remus.
During the train ride, Remus, Peter and James talked about their experiences during the summer but Sirius didn’t say much. “Me and Lily went on a few trips to the mountains, we had fun” James said he glanced at Sirius who still didn’t say anything. “I moved out of my parents’ house and now I live alone. Maybe you guys can come for the winter holiday. “
The other boys didn’t know how to respond for what felt like hours, leaving them in an uncomfortable silence. “Uh yeah! I’d be up for it” Peter said and the other two quickly agreed.
The rest of the train ride was more like normal, laughing and reminiscing of this year being their last. Talking about the future and whatnot. They were already used to the usual things of the first day back in Hogwarts, sorting, fest, and looking at schedules, bla bla. Boring shit.
Remus was feeling exhausted and in pain, full moon was coming soon and his muscles ached. He used a cane to get to get by since it was easier than pretending not to stumble, he was tired of hiding his pain so he didn’t. He didn’t care for the weird looks he got, they were stranger who he wouldn’t meet again. For two years he’d spent worried for Sirius and now he looked happier than ever. He wore a long sleeve shirt under his uniform button up, Remus had a faint idea what he was hiding. But he knew better than to find out for himself. He got to the door of his dorm and opened it, just to see Sirius fuckin’ Black in only his boxers. The boys stared at each other, and Remus had the conformation he’d longed for but hated.
“Quit staring at me!” Sirius yelled at him “and close that bloody door Moony!” He did as he was told and he watched Sirius cover himself with a T-shirt. “Sirius..” Remus walked over. “Not-A-Word.” Sirius glared “Look I know you hate me for kissing you that night-“ Sirius cut him off “Kissing me? I don’t hate you for kissing me.”
Remus looked at him kinda dumbfounded “I hate that it took me punching you for you to stop.” Remus looked down “It was wrong.. but I didn’t want to use you that night I wanted… I wanted to know if.. if you..”
“If I cut myself?“ Remus flinched at Sirius outright saying it. “It’s fine Remus.” He heard Sirius drop the shirt that covered him. “Go on. Fill your head with the idea” Remus watched him, the once idealized porcelain skin was not covered in pinkish scars. His arms, sides, thighs and ankles. Remus was upset that idea of Sirius hurting himself. He didn’t hear Sirius comments he just went to him and pulled him close by his hips. “M-moony?”
Remus groans a bit in pain as he knelt down before him. Kissing him from his ankles up his legs to his thighs, his hips and sides, then he moved to his wrists and up his arm to his collar bone and up his neck. Remus hears Sirius moan softy as he kissed behind his ear, he still remembered his weak spot, and with those sounds he had made.. how could he?
Sirius placed his hand on Remus shoulders, as the brown haired boy pushed him into his bed. Lifting his legs so they could get comfortable on the bed. “Moons-“ Sirius panted, as he looked at Remus tower above him. “I’ve loved you for too long Sirius.” Remus closed the curtains of his bed with his wand. “You’re always in my head, during lectures, when I study, fuck.. when I’m doing anything but you.” Sirius face blushed pink.
“But-“ Sirius was stoped before he could even protest “You don’t judge me for my scars, I won’t judge you for yours.. just let me help you. ” Remus leaned over and kissed his lips gently. “I love you too Remus..”