Consumption

Sirius had a lot of time to think about his life and his current situation. Snape had taken to the daily prodding, attempting eagerly to get into his mind–he has yet to do so. Sirius has no desire to let Severus see past his carefully constructed forts, which were only reserved for one person.

Sirius’ feelings have been very conflicted since Remus had made his visit. It had been a couple weeks since his farewell and he found that in a strange sort of jumble of emotions, he missed the man. It was a difficult thing to process considering the mess of his life at the current moment was due to the doctor, yet he can’t keep himself away. He aches for the deep conversations, the mutual understanding, the light touches…he needs more, yet the thought of speaking to the man repulses him.

Remus must have come to an agreement with Snape because he had gotten one visit from a very frazzled James Potter. It had been brief, Severus putting a time limit on their meeting, but it was nice to see his brother’s face, no matter how depressed it made him after. He tried really hard not to think about his friend’s lives; how they were currently going about their day, maybe getting a drink together, while he sat here, staring at the wall. He had always struggled with the feeling of being left out. As a child, the only friend he had was Reggie before he went to school and met James and Peter. After his and Regulus’ relationship went downhill, every school break when he was forced to go back to that wretched house, a small pit of loneliness and jealousy settled deep in his bones. And now, stuck in this building, so close to his friends yet unable to reach them, that feeling was multiplied tenfold.

The worst was at night; when all the lights were shut off, the screaming inmates going quiet, and he was truly alone. He would spiral backwards in life, thinking about various moments in his childhood. The dark, cold feeling of being stuck in the small hall closet for days as a punishment for associating himself with James and Peter at school. The hidden pieces of slightly stale bread Regulus would push under the small crack in the door. The days he would pass forcing himself to sleep for hours or quietly dissociating from reality.

Sirius had spent the last few years of his life trying not to think. Trying not to think about his feelings, about Regulus, about his past…And now, all he had were his thoughts.

Remus surrounded himself with work. He hadn’t even realized he had done so until Minerva pointed it out. He started working on Sundays, taking on as many clients as he could, not allowing himself even an hour for a lunch break.

“This is you coping.” Minerva said bluntly, her face straight as she stared at the unusually twitchy man.

“I have nothing to cope with.”

“Lying isn’t good for you, Remus.” She chastised like he was a child back in school. “You had him. And then you lost him.”

Remus sighed, his tapping fingers going still on the arm of his chair. “I miss him.”

“You are obsessed with Sirius Black.”

She was right. He was, and he knew he was, yet he didn’t know how to handle these emotions. He had obviously been infatuated with people, but he also knew that said infatuation would go nowhere, not with who he was. He had formed fleeting relationships and past time hook ups, but no one like Sirius Black.

“I’m intrigued.” He opted for, his hands clasping together tightly.

“Obsessively.”

“He’s special.” Remus’ gaze was wistful as he looked over Minerva’s shoulder and out the window that looked over her green yard. “He thinks differently.”

“Like you?”

“Almost.”

“We’re going to need all the help we can get now.” Albus stood in front of his very disheartened team. Ever since Sirius was arrested, they had been in a bad mood, snapping at each other and making more mistakes than normal. “Just because Sirius is gone doesn’t mean every murderer is gone too.”

James shared annoyed glances with his friends. Dumbledore seemed so indifferent that someone they had all known for years had just been arrested and taken to a hospital for the criminally insane. He tried really hard not to blame Albus for what happened to Sirius, but every day that got harder and harder.

Remus stood off to the side, observing the tension in the room. Dumbledore had called him in to go over The Artist case, the FBI agent was confident that they were missing something. He was spiraling, and it was quite entertaining.

“Black had to have known something.” Dumbledore clicked his pen obnoxiously as he spoke his thoughts out loud. “We should go question-”

“Can you leave him the fuck alone?” James’ voice was loud and stern, shocking even Remus with the hostility. James was protective, sure, but he was usually pretty soft spoken. “He had fucking encephalitis Albus! Just give him a break. You pushed him over the edge and now he’s clawing his way back up and you just want to push him down again!”

“He killed four people Potter,” Remus grimaced at the disgust in the older man's voice, already predicting the argument to ensue. “There is no clawing back up after that.”

“We don’t know that!” James stood from his chair, his hands flying around in the air. “Everyone was so against him we didn’t even try to look for any more evidence.”

“We had more than enough-”

“What, a knife and an ear?”

“An ear that quite literally came out of his stomach!” Dumbledore’s face was turning red with the argument.

“We’ve seen crazier things.” Remus admired James’ dedication to defend his friend, it was quite admirable, but a situation like this was hard to get out of, he was curious to see how Sirius would do it.

Dumbledore rolled his eyes, turning back to the board covered with crime scene photos. Remus’ projects stood proudly, front and center, everyone’s eyes being drawn to the gruesome yet beautiful scenes.

“Fucking disgusting.” Dumbledore muttered under his breath. Sirius would say it was breathtaking.

It was strange to see one of his scenes in the daytime, the sun illuminating the carefully crafted details of his brushstrokes.

“Ivan the Terrible and His Son Ivan.” Remus said as the team entered the crime scene, “A pretty famous painting.”

The two bodies were balanced against the stone wall of the city park, on display for all to see. The first man, depicting the son in the painting, lay partially sprawled out on the ground, only half of his body being held up by the other victim. Blood ran down his face as the other man cradled his head, empty from where his brain was cleanly removed. Ivan the terrible sat with his back against the wall, his eyelids expertly pinned open, allowing his haunted gaze to be enunciated, exactly like in the painting.

Everything was accounted for; the poses, the haunted expressions…It was perfect.

“Story?” Dumbledore said, snapping Remus out of his daze of self-appreciation.

“In a fit of anger, Ivan the Terrible murdered his son and heir, Ivan.” Remus watched as the team surrounded his work. “The painting depicts Ivan’s grief and horror at his actions.”

“Is it just a painting or is our artist experiencing some regret?” Marlene asked from her spot on the grass, examining the body with the removed brain.

She was correct to ask that question, he had chosen the painting specifically for its meaning, but his games were no longer out of the humorous urge to taunt the FBI. He chose it in the hopes that it would get back to Sirius.

Sirius would understand.

He would understand what Remus was trying to say. He would know that Remus was trying to make amends, trying to reform their relationship. He didn’t necessarily regret pushing Sirius into insanity and then framing him, that was a crucial part in helping Sirius to understand him. But now that he knew Sirius saw him for what he was, he wanted him back.

Maybe he should be scared Sirius would tell someone; not that they would necessarily believe him. But he truly wasn’t that worried. There was something in Sirius’ eyes the last time Remus saw him. It chilled Remus’ bones every time he thought about it, the cold hard gaze, but also behind the forts, a warm acceptance.

It would all take time, but Remus was a patient man.