Consumption

Sirius’ hands slid into the woman's hair, her body struggling against him as he put his whole weight into her, effectively pinning her down to the floor.

Her eyes were wide as she stared up at him, the fear radiating off of her. But Sirius didn’t care. He didn’t care that a blanketing smell of blood lingered in the air and that her feet were kicking wildly behind him. His fingers reached for her eyes, she flinched back, instinctively closing them.

His thumb and index finger closed around her eyelids, yanking them up until the whites of her eyes were visible. He grabbed the small knife from his pocket, gripping it with his blood slick hands. The pink inside of the woman's eyelid glistened as he pulled it up.

He slowly brought the knife up, impaling through the eyelid and pinning the skin to the woman's forehead.

She started choking on blood, the wet coughs echoing through the quiet house as she fought to keep her breath. By the time Sirius had pinned the next eyelid up, she was dead, her body slowly going cold beneath him.

He looked down at his hands, the blood growing sticky on his fingers. He quickly stumbled away from the woman, dropping the knives on the floor and running towards the door.

“Sirius?” James’ voice was concerned when Sirius stepped out of the room. He looked around, his hands were still bloody but the whole team was staring at him, confusion and worry on their faces. Except for Dumbledore, he was livid.

“You touched the body.” Albus said, following Sirius down to the kitchen sink. “You’ve never done this before.”

“I just got confused.” He scrubbed at his hands, the water turning red as the blood flaked off. “It won’t happen again.”

“It sure as hell won’t.” He paced back and forth, his eyes darting around the house, FBI agents milling around. “What happened back there?”

“I just got too focused on the scene.”

“You picked up the knife and touched the body.”

“I was confused.”

“You’ve said that.” Dumbledore crossed his arms over his chest, looking down at Sirius over the rim of his glasses. “You are supposed to take all the available evidence at the crime scene and reconstruct it. You are not supposed to imagine yourself as the killer.”

“I just got lost in the reconstruction.” Sirius was annoyed at the older man. Yes, he did contaminate the crime scene, and yes, he’s never done that before…But Dumbledore had no right to explain his own job to him, he’s been doing this for a long time, he’s caught a lot of killers. He knew what he was doing.

“Tell me Sirius…Did I break you? Because you are not the same person you were a year ago. There seems to be speculation around the bureau that I’m damaging you. Am I?”

Sirius looked up at his boss, “Do you have anyone that does this better unbroken, than I do broken?”

Dumbledore glared at Sirius before walking away in silence.

“We’ve got some fresh prints…” Peter looked up as Sirius walked back into the room. “I assume they’re yours?”

“Sorry.” Peter sighed, bagging the knife he was holding and walking over to where Marlene and Dorcas were studying the body.

“Smashed picture frames.” James said mainly to Sirius as he snapped a picture of the shattered glass and torn up pictures.

“Could be a friend, a boyfriend.” Sirius’ head was throbbing. He dug in his pockets for his Advil as he spoke. “This was personal. Someone who knew her, they had a history.”

“You should go home Siri.” James’ voice was concerned as he looked at his friend. “You don’t look too good.”

“Impossible!” Sirius tried to fit a cocky smile on his face, but it fell flat after a second. He couldn’t stop thinking about how real it felt, jamming the knife into the woman's skull. The feeling of her body warmth slowly leaving her.

He couldn’t remember actually arriving at the scene. One second, he was asleep at home, the next he was straddling some woman and pinning her eyelids to her forehead.

“Black.” Sirius looked up, making eye contact with Dumbledore. “Go home.”

“There’s still evidence to go over-”

“It will be here when you get back. You are not in the right state of mind to be doing this.” Sirius rolled his eyes at that but didn’t say anything as he stomped out of the house. His head hurt too much to argue, and all he wanted to do was go home and fall asleep for an eternity.

A knock on his door woke him from his sleep. The sun was still high in the sky, indicating he had really only slept for maybe two hours.

Snuffles started barking, causing Sirius to wince at the loud noise ricocheting through his skull. “Hey, shh, shh, it’s ok.”

Sirius slowly made his way to the door, every step seemed to cause his head more and more pain. The cool doorknob was grounding, allowing him a second before opening the door and being faced with one Remus Lupin.

“Dumbledore called; he told me you looked out of it at the scene this morning.” Sirius didn’t say anything, just stepping away from the door and walking towards the couch.

“I would offer you a drink, but I really don’t think I can stand up right now.” A bead of nausea started forming in his stomach, a tight feeling that made him groan just at the thought of possibly throwing up.

“What happened?”

“I don’t remember.” Sirius was tense, his shoulders practically drawn up to his ears as he spoke. “One second, I was at home, the next I was in this lady's house. I don’t even remember waking up, or Dumbledore calling me.”

“You lost time.” Remus said in a matter-of-fact tone, sitting across from Sirius in the armchair. “What made Dumbledore so concerned?”

“I killed her. Or well, I imagined that I killed her.” Sirius took a deep breath, his hands finding their way into Snuffles’ fur as the dog sat in front of him on the floor. “It was all so real. It truly felt like I did it. The blood was all over me, I even picked up the knife.”

“Do you still feel like you killed her?”

Sirius thought about that. While he knows that he didn’t kill her–he obviously couldn’t have–it had felt so real in the moment that it still followed him around.

“I don’t know…I don’t know. There’s something wrong with me.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you Sirius.”

“I got home today, from the scene,” Sirius looked up, watching Remus’ expression. “I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and I looked right through me; past me, as if I was just…just a stranger.”

Sirius’ eyes blurred. He didn’t feel right, he didn’t feel human. There was something inside of him, buried deep, something no one else could see or even begin to understand. But it was there, and Sirius knew it was there. The feeling wouldn’t go away, it stuck around like blood on his hands. It stood in the corner of his eye, just inside his peripherals. Allowing him to be fully aware that it was there without being able to see it all the time. It was an endless cycle, something he couldn’t escape, and now…now it was all consuming. It took up every part of his day.

He couldn’t tell who he was anymore. He couldn’t even tell if he was awake.