Consumption

“Look, I’m sorry I thought you knew, but at least it’s off the record!”

“James, I didn’t want Dumbledore involved at all!” Sirius said, pacing around the Potter’s living room while James sat on the couch. “If Lupin happens to tell him stuff, he may take me off cases.”

James looked up in confusion at that statement, “Is there a reason you would need to be taken off a case?”

Sirius hesitated, noticing his slip up. “No! But what if he doesn’t understand or-”

“Sirius, you’re being dramatic. Yes, your brain is special, and you think in ways that I couldn’t even begin to understand, but Dumbledore needs you in these cases, which is probably why he’s made this unofficial. No matter what you say, it won’t stop Dumbledore from pushing you to the edge, so you might as well have someone there to soften your fall.”

The reality of his situation settled heavy on his tongue, his mouth beginning to feel dry. The second he met Albus, he knew the kind of person he was, the determination shining through his eyes. He would do anything to catch these killers, specifically The Artist. He had already pushed one trainee to the break, what’s one more, right?

“Plus, maybe Lupin can help you with other things.” James said hesitantly, preparing himself for the backlash.

“Yeah? And what other things would that be James?”

“Come on Siri, you’re my brother, I can tell when you’re going through stuff.” Sirius rolled his eyes at the lie. James had a very surface level view on people’s emotions. He truly only knew half of what was bothering Sirius. Which was perfectly fine with him, he didn’t want James to know everything about his mind, it usually only pushed people away.

“Can we just order pizza or something?” Sirius sighed, forfeiting the argument. “Where’s Lily?”

“Eating dinner with Dr. Lupin.” James said, avoiding looking at Sirius.

Sirius groaned, throwing his head back against the couch. He knew they were friends, but he didn’t realize they were that close. Lily had never mentioned him before now.

Lupin didn’t seem like the type of person to have a whole lot of friends. He enjoyed lavish things like the opera and expensive suits, he probably had a social group of people, but no one he would necessarily call a friend. Maybe Sirius could identify with that. Social situations were draining, he had grown up with fancy dinner parties full of people who he never even really knew. He would itch to leave the table and tuck himself away in the darkness of his room, barricading himself from the onslaught of other people’s emotions. His stuffy suit made him feel like a sponge, absorbing and absorbing until he didn’t even know what he was feeling anymore. He was a collage of other people, tumbling into one conjoined mess. Regulus has been a lot of help during those times, reminding him of who he was. But that didn’t really matter anymore.

“Lily,” Remus greeted the woman at the door, welcoming her into the house. “How have you been?”

“Exhausted, but very excited for dinner, it’s been a while since you’ve cooked for me.” Lily smiled as Remus took her coat from her, hanging it on one of the hooks by the door. He swiftly led her into the kitchen, motioning for her to sit at one of the stools at the counter.

“Well, now you get dinner and a show.” Remus let out a genuine smile as he moved back to the chopping board, his apron tied tightly around his waist. He worked on dicing some mushrooms and peppers as Lily recounted her day at work.

Lily was also a therapist, though she worked more on the family and child side of the occupation. It sometimes took a toll on her, seeing all these children that had been through hell and back in the most formative years of their lives. James was a big help when she would come home, drowsy from the emotional toll the day had taken on her, reminding her that she was doing good, truly helping these kids through a tough time.

“So, enough about me, what are you making this evening?” Lily looked over to where he was seasoning a piece of meat, presumably steak.

“Never ask, it ruins the surprise…”

Soon enough, a plate with a perfect beef wellington was placed in front of her on a lavish table.

“This looks delicious Remus.” Lily complimented as the doctor dished a piece out for her.

“The mushrooms I grew myself, and the meat I got from a local butcher.”

The man ran through the forest, dodging low hanging branches and jumping over rocks. Light footsteps crunched the leaves behind him as his foot slipped on a patch of mud, sending him careening onto the ground with a scream.

“Well, you truly outdid yourself.” Lily gently raised the fork to her mouth, taking a bite and relishing in the burst of flavors.

Remus smiled as he watched her eat. “So…Sirius Black.”

Lily let out a laugh at the statement, “Yes, Sirius Black. What do you think?”

“I’m not too positive I made a good first impression. He seemed to be quite annoyed when he left my office this morning.” Remus finally took a bite of the wellington, complimenting himself on the perfect golden brown of the crust.

“I’m afraid that may just be Sirius. He’s not too fond of strangers, specifically psychiatrists.”

“He’s fond of you.”

“He better be,” Lily laughed, “I’m dating his brother. Plus, I never let myself develop a professional curiosity about him. He has a very heightened sense of empathy, but I’m sure you’ve already figured that out.”

“I have.” Remus nodded in agreement, watching as Lily spoke.

“But it’s an uncomfortable gift. He can connect to anyone at any time, and it’s terrifying, especially in his line of work.”

“But it also makes him a splendid criminal profiler.”

“It does, which is why Dumbledore is so insistent on ignoring his problems.” Lily’s tone showed off her annoyance at the FBI agent. She was never a fan of Dumbledore, sure he helped catch killers, but he went about it all wrong, specifically regarding Sirius.

“And what problems do you think those may be?” Lily knew Remus already understood Sirius and his problems, no matter how short their conversation was. This was more of just seeing if Lily agreed with him.

“He’s scared of what he sees…” Lily took a moment to choose her words. “His imagination won’t let him forget these scenes. Especially after getting close to the Shrike case, it truly haunted him. He has a morbid sense of curiosity–half the population does–but his mind forces him to absorb the actions of these killers, their thoughts and emotions, it takes a toll on him.”

Remus agreed, Sirius did have a strong imagination that may be causing these visions, and his empathy goes hand in hand in that. But there was something Lily was missing.

Sirius didn’t just absorb their actions, he became them. It’s an addicting feeling that Remus knew all too well. The feeling of being God, having a hand in someone else’s life, deciding whether they live or die.

Though Sirius had never killed anyone outside of self-defense, these images that form in his head, make him feel as though he has, but he can’t stop. Sirius knows that this job is bad for him, but he doesn’t stop. Why?

Alana may say that it’s because he’s saving lives. That somewhere in him, he has morals that won’t let him save himself and let these strangers die.

But Remus sees differently. Remus understands the grasping feeling that’s yanking at Sirius’ heart and soul at this current moment. The itch in his fingers to ease the life out of someone’s body with his bare hands. But something is stopping him. Something is stopping Sirius from becoming who he truly is…

And Remus just wants to help him.