There is something odd about feeling like you are drowning. You are suffocating, but if you put yourself in that water, it almost feels good.
James Potter put himself in the water, but he desperately wants to be brought out. He placed his body in the deepest part of the ocean, but he doesn’t want to be there anymore. He wants to be brought back up to the surface.
He needed a reason, so he fought. He threw every punch he could possibly throw, but it didn’t matter. It didn’t numb the pain in his chest. It didn’t stop the thoughts from swirling in his head like a tornado. It didn’t stop anything. All it did was make James hate himself more.
So that’s why he is here, standing on the edge of the Astronomy Tower. One gust of wind and he would fall off. Just one little push, and the pain would be gone.
It was a beautiful night out. It was clear, and you could see the stars perfectly. The temperature was just right. James could wait as long as he needed for the wind to push him off.
He was expecting to fall. He was expecting to hit the hard ground. He was expecting to bleed out and finally stop feeling how he does.
What he wasn’t expecting was for Regulus Black to enter the tower.
He stared at James for a long moment before finally speaking. “Why are you standing on the edge? You could fall off.”
“That’s the point.” James said, never looking behind him.
Regulus stays quiet for a while again. James figured he was judging him, mentally saying that this was the most idiotic thing ever.
“So you are just going to jump off? What for?”
Somehow, this boy had stumped James. Not that he didn’t know the answer- it was quite obvious- but why was he asking? It wasn’t like he cared.
“Why does it matter?” James asks, still not looking back at Regulus.
“Just seems a little pointless.” Regulus says casually, leaning against a pillar.
This makes James look back. “What do you mean? The entire point is that I’m sick of everything.”
“So you will never prove everyone wrong? You will never show anyone that you can be better? You will never prove that you are more than this mass of broken pieces?”
James was done with Regulus. What was the point of this entire interaction? To make James feel worse about himself?
“That is all I am. A stupid pile of broken pieces that can’t be put together.” James sighs, turning back to the sky in front of him.
“I don’t think that’s true,” Regulus says, pushing himself up from the pillar he was leaning on. “I think if someone were to look past this shell you have put up, they would see that you are a lot more than that.”
James runs a hand over his face. “Just fuck off.”
“Fine,” Regulus says, starting to walk away. “I’m just saying. All this is proving is that you don’t want to prove them wrong. If you really want to get better, you wouldn’t kill yourself. You would try to get better. You would actually try to make a change in your life. You would find a reason to stay alive.” Regulus turns to walk away, and something hits James.
Regulus is right.
It was a disgusting thought, one he did not want to admit he had, but it was true. Regulus was right.
If he really wanted to get better, then he had to try. It was a fucking scary thought, one James thought he would never think, but here he was. He always said he wanted to get better, but he never even did anything to try. He just said it was hopeless, and came up to this rooftop. Tears stung behind his eyes.
James Potter wanted to live, but he didn’t know how to.
“Regulus, wait.” James chokes out, voice almost cracking.
Regulus immediately stops, turning back around to face James. “What?”
“I don’t want to die.” He confesses, tears starting to fall down his eyes.
“Then come down from the edge.” He says, walking closer to James.
James hesitates, but he does. He slowly and carefully steps off of the edge, and Regulus is there once he steps down, back onto the safety of solid ground.
“I’m sorry.” James chokes out, unable to start the tears from flowing faster and faster. He was just so fucking tired, it almost wasn’t fair. He thought he wanted to die, but deep down he knows he doesn’t. He wants to live. He wants to be alive. He wants a fucking reason to live. He doesn’t want to be another statistic. He just wants to be James.
Regulus doesn’t respond. Instead, he pulls James into a hug. Regulus Black doesn’t hug people, but here he was, hugging James Potter.
James just breaks. Regulus hugs him and James just fucking breaks. He starts sobbing, clinging to Regulus’ shirt.
Regulus never says a word, but he holds James tightly. He lets James break. He lets James cling to him.
“I’m sorry- I’m sorry-”
“Sh, no, don’t apologize,” Regulus says, bringing a hand to James’ hair. “You have nothing to apologize for. You are struggling, and that’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”
“How do you know…?” James asks, sniffling. “How do you know it’s going to be okay?”
“Because I’ve been there,” Regulus admits, his breathing almost becoming shaky. “I was up there. I was about to fall, and then someone came and convinced me to step down. I’ve been right here, clinging to someone, begging the world to give me a break, begging every god I never believed in to show me some mercy. To give me a reason to keep living.”
James is silent. How is he supposed to respond to that? How was he supposed to speak at all? He felt like he was being crushed by the weight of everything. Nothing made the slightest bit of sense anymore.
“It will get better with time. You will find your reason, and you will keep living. You will keep surviving, because that is what the human body is made to do. It is made to survive.” Regulus continues, carefully running his fingers through James’ messy hair.
“How do I find a reason to live?” James asks quietly. He was almost scared of the answer. Maybe he didn’t want to know what Regulus had to do to find a reason to keep living. Maybe he didn’t want to do all of that work.
“I can’t tell you that,” He says, grip never faltering. “That is for you to figure out. You are the one who chooses your reason. Maybe it is a hobby. Maybe it is your mom. Maybe it is a friend. There are so many different things that can be your reason, but that is for you to decide.”
James thinks about that for a while. He stays in Regulus’ arms, and he thinks.
Regulus’ grip never loosened, he stayed there for as long as James needed. James had never seen this side of the boy before. Regulus was always cold and uncaring. He never even glanced in James’ direction before, but now here he was, hugging James while he was crying because he almost killed himself.
When James finally had no tears left to cry, he pulled back from James. James was slightly disappointed by the lack of Regulus’ presence, but he didn’t say anything.
“Thank you,” He mumbles, looking down at the ground. “For helping me.”
“Don’t thank me,” Regulus replies, straightening his robes. “You should be going to bed.”
James looks sullen at the thought of that. He didn’t want to be alone, but he even more so did not want to go back to that dorm. They would see James, and they would know. They would know he’s a failure. They would know he’s a fuck-up. They would know he’s a coward.
“Oh… yeah, guess I should.” James sighs, but he doesn’t move. He doesn’t want to. He wants to stay with Regulus.
“What are you thinking about?” Regulus asks. It was like the damn boy could read his mind. It almost wasn’t fair how good Regulus was at reading what James was feeling.
“I just don’t want to be alone right now.” James admits quietly. He didn’t want to say anything- it just made him seem weaker- but he couldn’t help it. For some odd reason, he trusted Regulus. He didn’t know why or how, but he did. It was scary but also comforting at the same time.
“I can walk you to your dorm, if you want,” Regulus offers, voice never faltering. “It’s completely normal if you don’t want to be alone. I made sure Barty was near me for weeks after he found me. I didn’t feel safe with myself.”
“Can I say something completely stupid?” James asks quietly, not looking up from the ground.
“Go ahead.”
“I don’t want to be around the others. They don’t know about my… problems. I don’t want them to know, not yet.” James admits quietly. He didn’t want to have to face them. Not after tonight.
Regulus sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “Do you want to stay with me tonight?”
Now James looks up. “Can I?” He asks quietly, almost like he was afraid of the answer.
James wouldn’t admit it, but the only person he truly trusted right now was Regulus. He clearly wasn’t judging James for being in the state he is in. He wasn’t looking at him like he was a broken piece of glass that was about to cut someone. He acted like he genuinely cared, which was a rare occurrence for Regulus Black.
“Barty and Evan will be there, but yes, you can.”
James didn’t love the idea of being around those two, but he figured it was better than having to face his friends right now. He barely knew Barty and Evan, so really, how bad would it be if they saw him broken? “Where would I sleep?” He asks, a bit of hope in his voice.
“Barty and Evan always sleep together anyways. You can take one of their beds.” James wasn’t surprised that the two of them shared a bed- they were always all over each other every second of the day.
“Yeah, okay. If you don’t care, of course- I don’t want to intrude-”
“James, I already told you it was okay. I promise they won’t judge.” Regulus speaks calmly, like he knows how much James is stressing this.
In all honesty, James was stressing it. He didn’t want to just show up unannounced and ruin their night. He already ruined Regulus’ night, he really didn’t want to ruin anyone else’s as well. Plus, what if Regulus was wrong? What if they did judge? What if they saw him as weak and pathetic?
“How do you know? They don’t even know me, they could take one look at my current state and-”
“James.”
“Or what if they laugh in my face-”
“James.”
“Or what if-”
“James!” Regulus finally speaks louder, placing his hands on James’ shoulders to get James to stop talking. “Barty was the one who stopped me.” Regulus whispers, swallowing hard.
James stops talking, staring into Regulus’ eyes. There was a lot more past the surface of this boy, James just knew it. The way his voice wavered just barely when he mentioned that. It was obvious that he never talked about that night, or his mental health in general. He seemed extremely uncomfortable, but he was still speaking about it for James. There was something more to Regulus than what meets the eye.
“I know they won’t judge you because they were the only ones who were there for me. If it wasn’t for Barty noticing the change in my routine, if it wasn’t for Evan noticing the difference in my mood, if they hadn’t found the letters I left on my desk, I would be dead. If it wasn’t for them caring about me, I wouldn’t be here.” Regulus’ voice was shaking, but even so, he never looked away from James’ eyes. He kept eye contact- he kept James’ attention focused on him.
James pulls Regulus into a hug. It was light- he knew Regulus wasn’t very fond of being hugged- but he did it anyways.
“What are you doing?” Regulus seemed confused, maybe even a little concerned. They were supposed to be talking about James, but James can’t help but feel bad for Regulus. Even now, when he almost killed himself, he was still trying to be Mr. Sunshine.
“You didn’t deserve any of that.” James says quietly.
James was best friends with Sirius. He was well aware of the horrors that occurred in the Black house. It was the haunted home, the one that haunted both brothers more than anything else. James knew that Regulus went through things no person should ever have to experience.
“You don’t either.” Regulus whispers back, arms hesitantly hugging James back. They were shaky, almost like he was scared to touch James. Maybe he was scared to be touched.
James didn’t know a lot about Regulus, but he did know that Regulus was pushing past his own boundaries and rules to try and help James.
James was vaguely aware of how Regulus’ head could be. Back in his first year, Sirius told him something. He mentioned that Regulus was always seeking out control. He needed a routine. He needed everything to be how he thought it should be. Sirius once said that Regulus would literally break down if something was “wrong” in his eyes.
James sometimes wonders if he is still like that. If he still needs a routine. If he still gets upset when things aren’t “right” like he needs them to be.
Seeing Regulus now made James think that was still the case.
“Come on. You need to rest.” Regulus says quickly, pulling away from the hug. He sniffles slightly, and James swears he sees a tear on Regulus’ cheek, but he doesn’t say anything. Some things are just better left unsaid.
Regulus takes James down to the dungeons. Despite what everyone says, it actually seemed a little peaceful. Maybe it was just because everyone was asleep, but it was better than the Gryffindor common room at the moment.
Regulus had been right. Barty and Evan didn’t care that he was there. They never pried, never asked a single question.
“James is staying the night.” Regulus had said as they walked in. James was hesitant to just walk in, but Regulus reassured him that it would be just fine.
The two boys had looked up for a moment, exchanged some sort of look with Regulus, then went back to what they were doing. Never questioned anything. James could guess that assumptions could have been made based on how wretched he looked, but they never said anything.
Regulus led James to the bathroom, shutting the door behind them. “See? Told you they wouldn’t say anything.”
“Well it’s fairly obvious I’m not okay,” James mumbles, looking at his reflection in the mirror. His eyes were bloodshot, there were dried tears on his cheeks, his hair was a complete disaster- he was a mess in every way possible. “I mean, look at me.”
“Do you care that they know you aren’t okay?” Regulus asks, and James feels like he is in a therapy session.
“Not really. You said you trust them, and that they helped you. That’s enough for me, I guess.” James shrugs, eyes still looking at his reflection.
“Are you sure you are okay with this? I can ask them to leave, or I can-”
“I’m okay with it, I swear. They seem like decent people. I really don’t mind, I promise.” James reassures. He could tell Regulus was stressing over this. He wanted James to be comfortable- he wanted James to feel safe.
They eventually exit the bathroom, and Regulus leads James over to a bed. “You can sleep here, those two always sleep with each other.” Regulus had already said that once before, but James could assume that the nerves were messing with him a bit.
“Thank you for doing this.” James says quietly, a small smile on his face.
“Don’t mention it. I’m just sorry you have to deal with those two.” Regulus says, glaring at Barty and Evan, who were both lying on a bed.
“We won’t bother you, don’t worry Jamie-boy.” Barty smiles, while Evan looks up from the book he was reading.
James just smiled slightly towards them, unsure of what to say. He didn’t know what to think of the entire night, if he was honest. It all felt like it was moving so fast, yet so slow at the same time. He went from almost jumping off of the Astronomy Tower to sleeping in the Slytherin dorms. It was an eventful night, to say the least.
Regulus walked over to his bed and crawled in, so James did the same. It felt extremely awkward, but he just followed whatever Regulus did.
Eventually, Barty and Evan followed their actions, crawling under the covers and intertwining their limbs.
James can’t help but wish he was doing the same with Regulus.
He knew that he shouldn’t like Regulus- in fact he knew that it was completely insane of him to even think of that- but he did. He liked Regulus- more than just a friend. He wanted to be in bed with Regulus. He wanted to be holding him. He wants to be with him.
James fell asleep fairly quickly, all things considered. He felt comfortable in the dorm, like it was a safe place for him to reside in. He felt safe with these boys, even though he barely knows any of them. There was something about their presence that calmed James. It made everything feel better.
Regulus Black saved his life. If it wasn’t for Regulus showing up, James would have killed himself. Regulus is the reason he is alive.
Maybe Regulus could be his reason.
~
It has been two years since Regulus Black found James Potter standing on the railing of the Astronomy Tower. It has been two years since Regulus convinced James to step off of said railing. It has been two years since Regulus let someone else who wasn’t Barty or Evan touch him. It has been two years since Regulus’ life changed.
It has been one year since he and James got together. It has been one year since Regulus finally admitted his feelings for James, the feelings he has had since he was 11. It has been a year since Regulus decided he would always be there for James.
James has been doing better. Regulus would make him talk about his feelings. He didn’t let James bottle everything up. He tried his best to help James. If James was happy, then Regulus could be happy.
He never told James that he went up to the Astronomy Tower that night to kill himself. He never told James that he was the reason Regulus was even still here. Regulus never brought it up. He never, ever mentioned why he was really there that night. James was alive, James was okay, James was breathing, and that was all that mattered. It didn’t matter that Regulus was there to do the exact same thing that night. Nothing else mattered because James was safe.
He didn’t have to know about Regulus’ problems. He didn’t need to worry about him. All that mattered was that James was safe. James was safe and he was breathing. He was going to be okay, and that was the only thing that Regulus cared about.
They were both out of school now. They lived together in a small apartment on the west side of a decent sized town. They had wanted to live somewhere more remote- or at least a smaller town- but there weren’t a lot of options. Both James and Regulus agreed that they wanted to try and live a more muggle-like lifestyle. They didn’t want to deal with the wizarding world- they just wanted each other.
Regulus was currently on the east side of town, about an hour away from the apartment. He left James alone.
Regulus has been able to leave James alone for a while now. He stopped doing reckless things, and Regulus trusts him to keep himself safe, at least until he returns home. James had been improving so much, Regulus forgot to continuously check for the signs.
Right as Regulus closes the door of his car, his phone starts to ring. He glances at it, and starts to look away, but then he notices who it was. James.
He immediately picks up. Regulus would never admit it out loud, but he loved talking to James. There was something so comforting about hearing his voice, even if it was through the speaker of a phone.
“Hey Jamie. Do you need something?” Regulus asks.
The only sound from the other end is shaky breathing.
“James?” Regulus says, panic starting to fill his voice. Something was wrong. Very wrong.
“Hi Reg.” James breathes out. It sounded like he had been crying.
“James, what’s wrong? Talk to me.” Regulus was panicking. He quickly started the car, barely waiting to put it in drive.
“I lied when I said I was okay to be alone. I thought I could handle it,” He laughs a little bit. A bittersweet laugh. “I was wrong.”
“It’s okay baby, stay on the line with me, okay? Keep talking to me.” Regulus was speeding faster than ever. Flying past every car on the road.
“Remember when you told me to find a reason?” James whispers.
“Yeah, yeah I remember. I was trying to get you off of the railing.”
“You were my reason. Fighting never did anything for me, not really. I only ever did it to feel the pain. You were what helped.” James’ voice was shaking, and Regulus was fucking scared.
“I’m glad I could help, baby. I want to be there for you.” Regulus just had to keep him talking. If he could keep James talking, he could get there before anything happened.
“I’m sorry.” James whispers. It’s a broken whisper, one filled with pain and surrender. Not good. Not good at all.
“Don’t be sorry. Can you tell me what’s wrong?” Regulus was going even faster now. He didn’t care if there were cops out- he had to get to James.
“I’m tired, Reg.”
“James, don’t say that. Where are you right now?” Regulus was panicking, tears streaming down his face.
“The bathroom.” And Regulus knew where this was going.
“James. No. Jamie, listen to me. You’re okay, don’t do this.” Regulus had cut the hour drive into about a half hour. It wouldn’t be enough if he couldn’t keep James talking.
“I love you, Reg.” A choked sob can be heard from James’ end.
“I love you so much, baby. I love you more than anything. Get out of the bathroom, James. Please.” Regulus’ heart was slamming against his chest, and he stepped on the gas even more. He couldn’t keep the car steady, but he didn’t care. He kept pushing on the accelerator.
“I can’t keep doing this. It’s too much. You understand though, I know you do,” James whispers, sniffling. “You said you went through the same thing, right?”
“Yeah, yeah I did. I got help, and then I helped you. Now I’m going to help you again, just like I got help when I tried again. I promise.” Regulus couldn’t breathe. His mind was running a mile a second, and he couldn’t fucking breathe.
“Again?” James asks quietly. Regulus didn’t realize he let that slip. “You only told me about one time.”
“That night I stopped you? I was up there to do the same thing. You saved me, James. You are the reason I didn’t die. I love you so much, baby. Please, please just don’t do this.” Regulus confesses what really happened, but then there is radio silence from the other end. James says nothing.
“James?” Regulus chokes out. It was almost impossible to breathe now.
“You never told me that,” He whispers. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I was scared. I didn’t want to worry you. It doesn’t matter, it’s in the past now- James please don’t do this.” Regulus would beg and beg. He didn’t want to lose James. Not now, not ever.
“I’m sorry.”
“No, no James keep talking to me- please-” Regulus was so close. He was in the neighborhood now. He just had to keep James talking for a bit longer. “Tell me what is going through your head right now.” If Regulus could get him to say anything for just five more minutes, they would be okay. James would be okay.
“I’m so tired. It’s like everything is weighing me down. Like I’m suffocating. I’m really tired of it, Reg. I want the pain to stop.”
“Why didn’t you come talk to me? You know I would have helped you. You know I would have listened.” Regulus was so, so scared, but he had to mask it. He had to be okay for James.
“I was sick of worrying you all the time. I thought if I pretended I was fine, then I would be okay again. Looks like I was wrong.” He lets out a breath with a slight laugh in it.
“Jamie, please. I love you, okay? I will help you, I promise. I will help you.” Regulus just wanted to hold James. He just wanted to hold him until everything was okay again. Realistically, he knew that James needed real help, and he would be getting him some, but for now all he could do was hope.
“I don’t want to be this burden you always have to worry about. You don’t need me.”
“Yes, yes I do. I need you more than anything. James, you are the reason I’m still alive. I need you. You are the only reason I didn’t jump that night.” Regulus pulls into the driveway, shoving the car in park and practically falling out as he rushes to get into the house.
“You have Barty and Evan. You could rekindle your relationship with Sirius, and then you would have him too. You don’t need me, love.” Regulus could hear that James was crying. It felt like getting stabbed in the heart. If anyone deserved to be happy, it was James. If anyone deserves anything good, it was his Jamie.
“I don’t want them, I want you. I love you, Jamie. Just stay on the phone with me. Keep talking.” Regulus fumbles with his keys, desperately trying to open the door.
“I can’t do that, love.” James whispers, and Regulus can hear what sounds like pills moving in a bottle.
Regulus bursts through the door, swinging it shut as he runs towards the bathroom. He had to get to James. He had to save him.
James is taking the lid off as Regulus rushes in. Regulus makes it to James in two steps, hitting the bottle out of his hands, pills scattering across the floor.
James looks up at Regulus for a moment, before completely breaking. One moment he was staring in shock, and the next he was violently sobbing on that bathroom floor.
Regulus drops to his knees, wrapping his arms around James tightly. “Sh, you’re okay, I’m here. It’s okay.” He whispers reassurance after reassurance in James’ ear, rocking slightly.
“I’m sorry,” James chokes out, clinging to Regulus. “I’m so sorry.”
“No, hey, it’s okay. You’re okay. I’ve got you, baby. I’m right here, and I’m not leaving.” Regulus holds James as close as possible, kissing the top of his head softly.
James just sobs and sobs. He only stops once his voice is so sore it’s almost impossible to make a noise. Even then, there are still tears falling down his face, no matter how many Regulus tries to wipe away.
Regulus just runs his fingers through James' hair, continuously whispering reassurances. He just wanted James to be okay. All he wanted was for James to actually feel okay.
“Baby, I think you need professional help.” Regulus whispers, scared of what the response would be. James had always hated the idea of seeing a therapist, but Regulus didn’t know what else to do. He needed help. Help that Regulus couldn’t provide.
James stays quiet, shakily breathing against Regulus’ chest.
“I know you don’t want to, but-”
“I’ll do it.” James rasps out, interrupting Regulus.
“You- you will?” Regulus was shocked. James had always refused the idea of seeing anyone about his problems. He used to storm out of rooms if it was ever brought up.
“I know I need it. I’m so tired of this, Reg. I don’t want to feel like I’m drowning anymore.”
And that was what it was. Drowning. All of your problems are choking you until it’s impossible to breathe. Swallowing everything down only makes it worse, but you do it anyway. No matter what you do, you can’t seem to escape the panic. You just sink and sink until you hit the bottom and stop breathing. James has been drowning for years. Slowly sinking further down with no one to pull him up. Regulus was drowning himself- he couldn’t save James.
James needed somebody who wasn’t Regulus. He needed someone who was at the surface- not someone who was drowning right next to him.
“Okay. We will find someone. We will go at whatever pace you need, I promise. I will be there every step of the way. You hear me? I’m not going anywhere.” Regulus’ grip never loosens on James. He doesn’t think it ever will. He has always been holding onto James as tight as possible. Almost as if somehow, if someone pulls James back up to the surface, Regulus can just cling on and follow.
“I don’t want you to go anywhere.” James mumbles, closing his eyes as he lays against Regulus’ chest, listening to his heartbeat.
And maybe they would be okay. It would take a hell of a lot of work- probably more than either one of them would care to admit- but they would be okay. They would get better with time. They will learn, they will grow, and maybe they will be saved from drowning before they reach the bottom.
Maybe they will simply cling to each other and float in the water. Under the surface, but not sinking. Just floating in the water, almost like time has stopped. Maybe they would never feel the relief of hitting air, but they have each other, and they aren’t sinking further down anymore, so what would be the harm? Maybe they would always feel the crushing sadness, but that was what made them human.
It doesn’t matter where they end up, at least not to Regulus. If he has James near him, everything feels okay. As long as James was alive and breathing, Regulus could do the same.
They would be okay. If not for themselves, then for each other. Maybe together they could push themselves to the surface.