Regulus Black’s form of therapy was writing. He would write his feelings into poems. He didn’t know how to say what he wanted to say, so he wrote it into some sort of depressing poetry. Nobody ever read them, but he preferred it that way. He didn’t want people to know what he was feeling. He just wanted them to leave him alone.
Barty and Evan always called it his diary. They would see him writing in a journal and make fun of him. Not that Regulus really cared about that- he just got annoyed when they would do that. It's not like he ever corrected them, so really he couldn’t be mad at them now.
Regulus had journal upon journal filled with poems. Some were about his parents, some were about his brother, some were about his haunted home, some were even about his pathetic crush on James Potter. He wrote about anything and everything. He did whatever he could do to stop the feelings from becoming so incredibly overwhelming. He did it so he didn’t break down.
Barty and Evan were well aware that Regulus had problems. They knew his life wasn’t all cupcakes and rainbows. They knew he wasn’t particularly satisfied with how his life turned out. They knew what his home was like. They knew all of this, but that didn’t matter to them. They still hung around Regulus. They still tried to get him to open up to them. They still tried to comfort him, even when he wouldn’t tell them anything.
Regulus would open up on occasion. When the voices got too loud, when the thoughts were moving too fast, when he felt like he was drowning, he would open up. He would open up, and those two always helped.
Barty has picked Regulus up off of the bathroom floor countless times. Evan has tended to his wounds more times than Regulus would care to admit. They help so much, even if they don’t know what is truly going on inside of his head. One of them will play with his hair until he falls back asleep after a nightmare, no questions asked. They will stay up with Regulus if that’s what he needs. They will do anything for him. They care so much that it almost hurts.
In truth, they were too good to Regulus. He was mean and cold. He was unwelcoming. He pushed every single person away, so why did they stay? Why, after everything, were they the ones to stay? Why did they still put up with him?
Regulus didn’t have the answer for that. All he knew was that he was not ready for the time where he had to say goodbye. He didn’t want to write those letters. He didn’t want to say goodbye to those two. They were the only two that have ever stayed. Everyone else left, but not them. They stayed. Regulus was ready to say goodbye to so many people, but not them. Never them. Barty and Evan were the only constant thing in his life. They would be the hardest to let go.
He never spoke to Sirius anymore. He hated his parents. The only other people who even deserve a letter are Barty and Evan. He doesn’t know how to say goodbye to them. Not when they are the only people who actually stuck around for Regulus.
Two days. He went to the cave in two days. He was going to die in two days.
How the fuck was he supposed to say goodbye to them in two days?
~
Saying goodbye had never been hard for Regulus. It was normally one of the easiest things he has ever had to do. People left so often that he was used to it. He was used to just letting people go.
Evan and Barty weren’t in the dorm. Who knows where they were, but it gave Regulus the opportunity to write his letters. He wanted to just get them over with. He didn’t want to dwell on them. He just wanted to write them and stuff them in a drawer until he had to take them out again.
He takes out a piece of parchment and stares at the blank page for a long time. Normally, words flowed easily for Regulus. When he was writing, he could think of a million different ways to write things, but now his mind was completely blank. How did he say goodbye to the woman he didn’t give a fuck about? She shouldn’t even really get a letter, but Regulus wanted to call her out on all of the shit she put both him and Sirius through.
Mother,
By the time you are reading this, I will already be dead. I cannot live the life you want me to live. That’s not who I am.
I wish I would have left with Sirius when I had the chance. I know now that I was foolish to think that me staying in that house would stop anything. I was convinced that I had to stay to protect Sirius, but now I know that you couldn’t have done a thing to either of us. I wish I would have left. I wish Father would have killed you that night in the study.
I never wanted any of this. I never wanted to be your heir. I never wanted to be hurt, and I know Sirius didn’t either.
Because of your actions, you now don’t have a single son. Maybe if you would have loved us right, things could have been different. Maybe if you didn’t hurt us, I wouldn’t be writing this letter.
I hope you realize that you are a monster, and I hope you get everything that you deserve.
R.A.B.
Regulus has to admit that it feels nice to finally get everything off of his chest. It feels nice to know that he is finally going to be free from the wrath of his mother. He has been waiting for the moment he gets to be free. Maybe he’s not running away like Sirius did, but he was never as brave as his older brother. He was never as strong as Sirius was. It felt fitting that the only way Regulus could escape was death.
Taking a deep breath, he folds the letter and puts it in an envelope, shoving it into the bottom drawer of his desk. He then takes out a new piece.
The letter to Sirius.
The two brothers haven’t spoken in quite some time. If they ever did, it inevitably ended in a fight. They never got along. They hardly ever spoke. Sirius wanted nothing to do with Regulus, but Regulus wanted everything to do with Sirius. He wanted his big brother back more than anything. All he wanted was to rekindle their relationship. He wants to be close to his brother again.
He always said that he would talk to his brother one final time before he died. He said that he refused to die until he said goodbye to Sirius in person.
Funny how things change.
Picking up his quill, he starts the next letter.
Sirius,
I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being a shit brother. I’m sorry for not listening to you. I’m sorry for staying. I’m sorry for insulting you all the time. I’m sorry for everything.
A year ago when I planned this, my only wish was that I was going to be able to speak to you again. My only wish was that I wanted one final conversation with you that didn’t end in a fight. I wanted to rekindle our relationship. I wanted to experience your hugs one final time.
As we can see, that didn’t happen. I’m sorry I never tried harder. I wasn’t thinking right. You were right, and I’m so sorry.
No amount of times I say sorry can fix this, I know that. Even so, I need to say it. I have to try and prove that this was never my intention. This wasn’t how I wanted us to be.
I hope all of your friends treat you well. I hope your boyfriend treats you better than anyone else. I hope you two are happy together, I really do. You deserve it.
Thank you for being the best big brother I could ever ask for. Thank you for taking care of me for all those years. Thank you for trying to make me better than them. Thank you for being you. Stay brave for me. Don’t stop fighting. I love you so much, Sirius. I wish I would have said that more.
Goodbye, Sirius. Look for me in the stars.
R.A.B.
The tears threaten to fall, and Regulus lets them. He lets them fall because Sirius always told him it was okay if he cried. Sirius always told him that he wasn’t weak for crying. If anything, it made him stronger. It showed that he had more than one emotion. Regulus never believed him, but he cried anyway. He thought that if his brother said it was okay, then it had to have been.
He places the letter into an envelope much more carefully than his mother’s letter, then sets it in his bottom drawer.
The next two would be the hardest. Barty and Evan. He didn’t even know how to start these.
Taking a deep breath once again, Regulus wipes the tears away and pulls out the third piece of paper.
Evan,
I would like to thank you for everything. Thank you for never leaving. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for staying, no matter how bad I got.
I remember the first time you found me. I was sitting on the bathroom floor, bloody and dissociating. You didn’t know what to do, so you just sat with me until I came back to reality. You helped me clean my arms. You sat in silence with me until I broke, and then you held me until I cried myself to sleep.
I never properly thanked you for anything. I built this bubble around me, one where I never let anyone in. You and Barty got the closest.
I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to say goodbye to either of you. It isn’t fair, but this is how it has to be. I can’t keep living like this, but it’s too late for me to run away. The only way out is death.
Never stop trying. Never stop being who you are. If not for me, then for Barty. He loves you so much, and he needs you. I know how this will go. You are going to bottle everything up to help Barty, but you need to grieve too. Let him help you, okay? Don’t choke everything back. That was all I did, and look where that got me.
I love you, Evan. I’m sorry it has to be this way. Go live a good life, yeah? Run away and live in the woods with Barty. Keep each other safe.
I love you both so much, but I have to do this. There is nothing else I can do. Goodbye, Evan.
R.A.B.
Tears dripped onto the paper. Regulus couldn’t choke them back. This wasn’t fair, it wasn’t fucking fair. He didn’t want to say goodbye to the only two people that had stayed. It had to be some twisted form of fate.
Just like the other two letters, he puts it into an envelope and sticks it into his bottom drawer. One letter to go.
This letter was by far going to be the hardest one to write. Barty was the first person to ever talk to Regulus all of those years ago. He had been the only one who wasn’t afraid of Regulus. He was Regulus’ first friend, and now he was the last letter to be written.
Barty,
I don’t know how to express in words how fucking sorry I am. I don’t want to leave you. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to say goodbye.
I remember that first day of school all of those years ago. You sat right next to me at the table. You weren’t scared at all. You just started talking to me while everyone else was staring at us. You noticed the moment I got uncomfortable, because you squeezed my hand under the table and kept talking, trying to distract me.
I was mean and cold, but you didn’t care. You stuck around. Even after you added Evan into our little group, it didn’t change anything. You were always the first to notice when I was uncomfortable. You were always the one who knew how to calm me down. You were always there.
I remember that one night when I broke. I was bleeding on the ground, and you and Evan walked in before I swallowed the pills. Evan immediately took them out of my hand and you just held me while I sobbed. I got blood all over your clothes, but you didn’t care. You just wanted to make sure I was safe. That was the only thing you cared about. Evan hid the pills, and then he came back and cleaned my arms, just like he always does. You stayed with me all night, making sure I was okay. I never told you how much that meant to me, but it meant everything. I never told you half of what I wanted to.
I love you so much. Don’t forget that, okay? I love you, but I have to do this. I have to die. I can’t live by her rules and her way of living. This is for the better.
Take care of Evan for me, okay? He loves you so much, and he will try to bottle everything up. Don’t let him. He needs to feel things too.
I’m sorry I have to die. Live a good life for me, okay? I know you can do it. You aren’t like your father Barty. You are so much kinder than he ever was. You are better than him in every single way. Don’t forget that. You aren’t the monster that he is.
I love you and Evan with my entire heart. Please know that this is for the best. I don’t want to say it, but I have to. Goodbye, Barty.
R.A.B.
The tears were streaming down his face now. The ink was starting to smudge, so he quickly put the letter in the envelope and put it in the drawer, closing it.
This wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fucking fair. He shouldn’t be saying goodbye to the only two people who actually cared about him. He shouldn’t be saying goodbye to the only people who actually try to help him. Nothing about it was fair.
Before Regulus could stop himself, he was sobbing uncontrollably. His chest hurt, but he couldn’t stop. He didn’t want to leave them. Anyone but them. It wasn’t right.
As if the universe just hates him, Barty walks into the room at that exact moment. The first sight he is greeted with is Regulus sobbing at his desk, barely taking in any air.
‘Hey, woah, what happened?” Barty immediately drops his stuff by the door, heading straight for Regulus.
Regulus can’t speak, he just cries harder at the sight of Barty. How the fuck was he supposed to leave him?
“Okay, okay. It’s okay. Look at me, Reg.” Barty says, gently holding Regulus’ tearstained face in his hands. His eyes are focused. He keeps his gaze steady, trying to calm Regulus down.
Regulus finally makes eye contact, trying to take in a breath.
“What can I do to help? We will figure this out, I promise. What do you need right now?” Barty’s voice is gentle, like he is talking to a wounded animal.
Maybe that was what Regulus was. A wounded animal. Maybe he was some wild creature that people fear. Maybe he was hurt, which made people try to help him, but they run away the moment he tries to put up a defense. Maybe that was all he was, just a wild, wounded animal that everyone was scared of.
Regulus can’t take a big enough breath to even think about talking, so he just takes Barty’s wrist and feels for a pulse. It always helped Regulus to just hear someone else’s pulse or heartbeat. He never understood why, but the first time Barty ever held him, his head fell perfectly on top of Barty’s heart, and it has been a comfort to him ever since. It was constant, just like Barty was. It was always there when Regulus needed something to focus on.
“Yeah, focus on my pulse. I’m right here, I’m here for you. I’m not leaving, I promise. Focus on my pulse.” Barty spoke calmly the whole time, trying everything in his power to get Regulus to calm down.
Regulus closes his eyes, focusing on the steady beat of Barty’s pulse. It never faltered, not once. It stayed constant.
“Just breathe for me. You’re okay. I’m right here, and I’m staying here.” Barty was running his other hand through Regulus’ hair, the one that Regulus wasn’t clinging to.
Regulus can’t help but slide out of his desk chair and onto the floor with Barty. He falls into Barty’s arms, laying his head where it fits perfectly. Right above Barty’s heart. Regulus has always found safety in Barty. Barty was constant, Barty was grounding, Barty actually cared.
Barty doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around Regulus’ shaking form, bringing his hand back up to Regulus’ hair. His heartbeat was steady, never once faltering. It stayed the same- a constant thud that reminded Regulus how to breathe. It reminded him how to keep living. Regulus needed constancy in his life. He needed it more than he needed oxygen.
Regulus ended up crying so hard he fell asleep. He passed out in Barty’s arms, tears still falling down his face even then. By the time he wakes up, the room is pitch black, and Barty is asleep next to Regulus in a bed. He looks around, noticing a small light peeking out from the bottom of the bathroom door. Evan was probably in there.
Regulus didn’t even know what time it was. Everything felt like a blur. He doesn’t even remember falling asleep. He felt like he was stuck in time- like nothing was really happening. Like everything was frozen. Like he was stuck in place and could not move.
Eventually, Evan came out of the bathroom and noticed Regulus was awake. “How are you feeling?” He asked quietly, sitting on the edge of the bed.
“Fuzzy.” Regulus whispers. He didn’t have a better word to describe it. It was just fuzzy and off-balance.
“You should go back to bed. You look like you need it.” Evan smiles.
“Sorry for stealing your boyfriend.” Regulus mumbles, still listening to Barty’s heartbeat.
“He explained what happened. By the sounds of it, you need him more than I do right now.” Evan always had a way of just understanding. He knew what Regulus would need. He knew what Barty would need.
“Are you sure it’s okay?” Regulus never liked taking Barty or Evan away from the other. The two were always so attached, he would feel bad when he needed one or the other.
“I promise. He’s already asleep anyway, you aren’t getting away from him until morning. You need him right now, and that’s okay.” Evan reaches over and squeezes Regulus’ hand- a thing he always did when trying to comfort Regulus.
Regulus nods, squeezing back. “I’ll return him in the morning, I promise.” He says with a slight smile on his face.
“You better,” Evan laughs, letting go of Regulus’ hand. “Goodnight, Reg.”
“Goodnight, Evan.” Regulus whispers, and Evan stands up and moves to his own bed.
Regulus takes a deep breath, and he falls back asleep to the sound of Barty’s steady breathing and constant heartbeat against his ear.
~
All good things eventually come to an end. For Regulus, that day came faster than he would have liked.
The sun was yet to rise. It was dark in the dorm, the only light being the small candle that was lit on Regulus’ desk.
As quietly as possible, Regulus takes out the letters from his bottom drawer. They looked exactly how he left them. They were untouched.
He set Barty and Evan’s letters on their desks. Those were the only two that really, completely mattered to him. If Sirius never got his letter, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. It certainly didn’t matter if Walburga got her letter. That one was for politeness more than anything.
Taking a shaky breath, he grabbed everything he needed to. As softly as possible, he whispers into the darkness of the room, “Thank you for sticking with me. Thank you for never leaving. Thank you for everything.” This time, he didn’t cry. He didn’t feel anything. He was numb.
Without doing anything else, Regulus quietly left the room for the last time.
He stops at the Owlery Tower. He sends off his mother’s letter. He considered never sending it, just simply throwing it away, but ultimately, he wanted to send it. He also gives an owl Sirius’ letter. He couldn’t go to the Gryffindor common room and just deliver it, so he would have the owl give it to Sirius during breakfast.
There was nothing left to do except for the inevitable.
Arriving in the cave was odd. It was cold. It was unwelcoming. It was dark. It was everything Regulus hated in a place.
Worst of all was the water. He knew there would be water, but he chose to simply not think about that. He didn’t want to think about the water.
Regulus remembers that summer. He was five years old at the time. Sirius had somehow convinced Regulus to go out deeper into the water. Regulus would do anything Sirius wanted him to do. He wanted to be liked. He wanted to be accepted.
Sirius wasn’t paying attention to Regulus. He wasn’t watching. He looked away for a little bit, and Regulus went under the surface. He had gone too far, but Sirius wasn’t paying any attention to Regulus. Regulus tried to scream for help, but no one could hear him. His cries were muted underwater.
Thankfully, Sirius noticed the small splashing just as Regulus felt himself start to lose consciousness.He pulled Regulus up out of the water, asking a million questions. He helped Regulus back to shore, and Regulus ran away from the shoreline the moment he could. That day, he vowed to never go into a body of water again.
Funny how things change.
It was now that a tear fell down Regulus’ face. It wasn’t when he laid the letters out, it wasn’t when he whispered a goodbye no one would ever hear, it wasn’t when he left the only two people who ever stayed with him. No, it was when he saw the water. He could taste the salt from the summer, even now. He saw the salt in his mind, and then he saw the tears.
Was there anything he could have done differently? Could he have changed the outcome of his story? Could he have been better? Could he have been braver?
There are so many what ifs to this story. There are so many ways that the outcome could have been changed. In the end, this was the ending that Regulus chose. He chose this. He could have stayed alive. He could have left with Sirius. He could have tried to shoot his shot with James. He could have said no to becoming a Death Eater. All of these different possibilities, but Regulus chose this one.
Drowning in the cave was just how he remembered the ocean all of those years ago. It was painful. The water made his chest ache. He kept breathing in, even though all that did was make him swallow more water. He fought the water, just like last time. The only difference was that there were hands pulling him down instead of pulling him back to the surface.
The hands pulled him down. They kept pulling. They were dragging him down. It hurt almost as much as the water in his lungs.
Regulus doesn’t call out for his mother as he feels himself fade away. He doesn’t call out for his brother. He called out for Barty and Evan.
He screams their names before taking his final water-filled breath.
Nobody would hear the screams of Regulus Black. No one would know the pain he was truly going through. No one would realize how much he was actually going through. No one would know that he didn’t want to die, not really. He just wanted to be free.
Regulus chose this outcome. Even though he never wanted this ending, there is no one to blame but himself. This was his decision. It was his choice. It doesn’t matter what his letters say, there was no one to blame but him. He died to his own hand. He killed himself because he was scared of what would happen if he stayed in this life.
Regulus Black did not die trying to stop Voldemort. Attempting to stop Voldemort was almost like a side quest. His main goal was to kill himself. That was always the goal. It wasn’t to do anything good. It was a way to escape the trap he put himself in. If not for his own doings, he wouldn’t have had to do that. Maybe he would still be alive.
Regulus Black has no one to blame but himself for his pain. He could have left with Sirius. He could have said no. He brought this onto himself, and he left the world in the same way. Himself. He got into this mess by himself, and now he died by himself.