Getting up in the morning is getting harder and harder each day. The alarm is ringing, Buck turns it off. Every day at the same time. He has been doing only half shifts for the last weeks. Eddie and Hen are needing the overtime, Hen because of the extra kid in their household and Eddie for his upcoming move to Texas. The man he is, Buck volunteered to take half shifts so those two can get his missing hours.
It´s all good, he thought, it will only be for maximal two months he can deal with it... The problem it´s already two months later and he still works half shifts.
After his alarm, he gets up, brushes his teeth and makes his morning coffee at the same time. Every single day the same. The coffee tastes the same as always. He still has about three hours until he needs to get to work. Considering he has no one to talk to he goes on longer runs every day. Challenging his body until it gives up. Longer each day.
Because the others are on full shifts he is always with a different shift, only sparely under Bobby. He can deal with it.
Buck gets that the others have other responsibilities, really, he gets it. Eddie has Christopher and his move to think about, Hen has a new family member and Denny to look after, Athena and Bobby have their new house and well Tommy is not really in the picture anymore.
He doesn´t bake anymore, the others were more and more annoyed at his baking, so he stopped doing that. He is not motivated to do anything anymore. There are no books he wants to read, no movies or tv shows to watch. He could call Eddie to hang out in the evening after his shift.
That’s what he is doing, maybe he can meet him, talk to him. He just needs to get out of his apartment, not just for work and groceries. Now that he thinks about it, he hasn´t seen Eddie in quiet some time outside of their shifts together.
The phone rings, and rings and rings.
"Buck, hey, what´s up? Can I call you back later?", Eddie sounds like he actually has fun. He can hear Hen and Chim laughing in the back. Is he still on shit?
"Oh yeah no problem, is the shift running late?"
"No, we decided to get some breakfast after shift, you know like old time. We would have asked you, but you have a shift don´t you?"
"Yeah, right. Look do you want to get together in the evening?"
"I´m sorry Buck, but I´m already meeting up with someone, you know before I leave. I´ll call you, okay?"
"Yeah, hey Eddie,", but Eddie has already hung up.
It shouldn´t hurt as much as it does, Eddie surely didn´t mean it the way Buck thinks. He can have other friends. He only has an hour before his shift anyway, he can get in earlier and just kill time there.
At work it´s one of the all-knowing q-days. Buck even thought about just saying the word so time passes by faster.
Halfway into his shift they get a call to a house fire. It should have been a quick call, but it´s not. There are still multiple people in their apartments and the building is about to crumple. Buck rescues three people when the acting captain sends him back in. He is tired. He never thought he would ever say this, but lately he hasn´t really been sleeping all to good. He sleeps enough hours, but still wakes up tired. He doesn´t voice this though. Why should he get to rest, when his team mates still need to work.
That´s when it all goes to shit. He gets in and finds the missing person very quickly, but his way out gets blocked. He takes his jacket off to protect the civilian. They barricade in the bathroom.
“Buckley status!”
“I found the missing person, but our way out is blocked. We´re in the bathroom on the west side on the second floor. We have no way out, there is a window!”
“Hang in their Buckley, air support is nearly here. We can evacuate you very soon.”
The woman in his arm is scared, he can feel her shivering. He makes it in the bathtub and throws his jacket over them. If they make it, it will be a miracle. He knows he should never think that, but objectively they are fucked.
“I never got my first kiss, I´ve never been in a relationship. I´m only 22, I´m not ready to die.”
“They will get us out. I promise.”
“Shouldn´t you not make promises as a first responder?”
“Well, I either keep my promise, or you know, you can´t hold me accountable anymore.”, he grins.
This makes her laugh. At least she will die laughing.
If he is being honest, he doesn´t mind not surviving. It´s not that he actively tries to die, but he wouldn´t mind it right now. No one would miss him.
Maddie would get over it with Chimney, Jee and her new baby.
Eddie has enough on his plate and maybe his death would bring him near Christopher again. On the other hand, Buck hasn´t talked to Chris in the last months, he tried calling, but Chris never picked up or called back.
Hen, surely would be sad, but it would pass.
Bobby, well Bobby has Athena.
Buck has no one. He is alone. Even Tommy left him.
Still in his thoughts he feels cold and wet. Air support must have arrived.
“Someone ordered some water?”, he hears above him.
Someone lifts him up and helps him stand back up. Another firefighter helps the lady out of the house.
“You good man?”, he would always remember this voice. Tommy.
When he looks up, he sees Tommys´ eyes. Those stunning eyes.
“Buck, I didn´t know it was you.”
“Don´t call me that please. Don´t call me that.”, this whole fire must have stirred him up more than he thought, because his voice comes out more in a whine than anything else.
Tommy knows what he means, he has to know.
“Evan.”, that does it. Buck is a crying mess in the middle of a burned down house. Tommy puts his arms around him and squeezes him into his chest.
“Kinard, Buckley, get out of there.”
“Let´s go. We need to get you checked out. You probably breathed in way to much smoke.”, with Tommys´ help he makes it out of the building and to the ambulances.
“Wait, how could you have been in air and in the building at the same time?”
Tommy chuckled “I´m not the only pilot at harbor, darling.” If Bucks heart was beating just a little faster, no one had to know.
He gets checked out and sent home. He doesn´t even try to argue, it´s protocol anyway.
Back at the station he only gets out of his turnouts and gets dressed in his normal clothes. He decides he is too tired to actually shower. He can do that at home anyway.
He only barely makes it to his car when a hand closes his door again.
“Hey.”
“You can´t believe for a second that I will let you drive home alone. No change. Come on I take you home.”
“Tommy.”
“Evan.”
He is too tired to argue, and honestly it feels good that someone cares. He is only as long grateful until Tommy insists to actually get him upstairs in his apartment.
His apartment looks a mess. He hasn´t cleaned in forever, spent his time in bed or somewhere on the floor too tired to get up. He also hasn´t cooked since about as long. Take out containers have been piling up, ordered in when he felt like eating. Now that he thinks about it, he hasn´t seen any of his friends in about two months. When he looks at his apartment from Tommys´ view it´s bad. How could he let it get this far.
“Ahm, thank you for bringing me home. I should, you know...”
“Evan, how long have you been living this way?”
“It looks worse than it is. I haven´t been too excited to clean lately. I will get everything back in order.”
“No, that´s not what I mean. Since when have you stopped cooking, since when did you not do your laundry, since when have you been tired, since when have you been on surviving mood only?”
“I I”, tears are pooling in his eyes. He never wanted anyone to find out, that he isn´t doing well lately.
“Okay, we don´t need to talk about this now. How about I help you get showered and into bed and we´ll talk more when you´ve gotten some sleep?”
“You don´t need to help me. I´m not your responsibility anymore. I can do it myself.”
“Evan, I know that we are not together anymore, but I want to help you. I don´t want to force you though. I can call Eddie if you”
“No please don´t call Eddie, he doesn´t need me on top of everything as well.”
“Evan.”
“Please.”
“Let me help you.”
“Yes please.”
They make their way into the bathroom, where Tommy helps him get undressed. He only gets embarrassed when Tommy touches his rips. They weren’t visible the last time he saw him naked, but eating was getting harder and harder. Anything really.
Tommy gets undressed to his underwear and gets in the shower with Buck.
“I don´t mind you being naked.”
“I don´t want to make you uncomfortable.”
“You don´t.”, that´s all it takes for Tommy to shed the last piece of clothing. He missed Tommys´ body, his hands, his thighs, his cock heavy between his legs. If he wouldn´t be this tired he would get hard and beg for Tommy to fuck him.
Tommy washes his hair and even uses his expensive hair conditioner. He hasn´t used it in forever. If he really thinks about it, this all started when Tommy broke up with him. Everyone told him he should get over it, but he just couldn´t. He wonders if Tommy is over him, or if he was ever under him. He laughs to himself.
“What are you laughing at, sweetheart.”
“I´m just thinking about, weather you are already over me, and then I fought about if you were ever under me.”
“Evan.”
“I´m sorry I made it awkward. I tent to say the wrong things.”
“No don´t apologize. If you want to know, I was truly under you. Let´s talk about that tomorrow okay. You are not in the right headspace for this today.”
They got out of the shower and into dry clothes. Buck never gave Tommy his clothes back, so he still had shirts and pants in the loft.
Tommy was about to leave the bedroom when Buck held him back.
“Please stay. I don´t want to be alone.”, this made Tommy think, how long was Evan alone?
“Okay.”
Tommy lays next to Buck and put his arms around him. With a satisfied sigh Buck lays his head on Tommys´ chest and fell asleep. Actually, fell into a deep sleep for the first time in forever. Maybe he would not wake up tired this time.
Once Evan was asleep Tommy couldn´t help himself and sent a text to Eddie.
- Hey Eddie, is Buck good, you know after the breakup?
- Hey, yeah, Buck is good. He ended his baking phase. He is back to his old all-consuming self. Why?
- I was just wondering. You know I cared.
- Yeah, I know man. Don´t beat yourself up. We made sure he is fine.
That settles that. Evan is really alone. Why doesn´t Eddie know about this? Technically Eddie could have just lied to protect Buck, but something tells him that’s not true. Especially the line about Evan being all-consuming. Buck told Tommy about the grocery store fight and this plays in the same insecurities Buck already has.
Tommy stayed with Buck until he was sure Buck was actually asleep. After that he got up and started cleaning the loft. If he was being completely honest it was a little gross. Especially the kitchen. He threw every empty noodle box and every other leftover in a trash bag. Nothing in the fridge was salvageable. They would have to go and get groceries.
When he was done with the kitchen he started a load of laundry. The laundry basket was basically overflowing. He wasn´t sure if Evan even had any clothes left in his closet. As soon as Evan´s awake he will change the bedsheets and clean the bedroom.
The living room wasn´t as bad, he probable hasn´t spent much time in this area, considering he still hasn´t gotten a new couch.
Evan is still fast asleep which means Tommy is out of work and alone with his thoughts. He wonders if he caused, whatever this is. If he caused Evan to be depressed or other mental health issues. When he awakes, he has to talk to him. Really talk to him, like they should have after their breakup.
Evan must be hungry once he wakes up so Tommy ordered groceries online and let them be delivered. They can cook together later, or he can cook and let Evan watch. Either way he will get something actually nutritious into his man. His man. Sounds right.
It takes another two hours until Buck wakes up. It´s nearly seven in the evening. He can feel another warm body next to him and a hand in his hair. It wasn´t a dream. Tommy is actually here.
“You´re still here?”
“Of course, I said so didn´t I?”
“I just thought, maybe you would be gone after you saw the mess I created.”
“I won´t leave you anymore, baby.”
“Baby? Am I still your baby?”
“How about we talk about this downstairs while cooking?”
“I don´t think I have anything, we could maybe order some food.”
“Don´t worry I ordered groceries earlier.”
“You didn´t have to.”
“Well to be honest, I really did. But now come on up you go. I´m just throwing your bedsheets in the washing machine.”
“You don´t need to do all that.”
“But I want to, honey.”
If he could frame the smile Evan had on his lips, he would.
It only took a couple minutes, and they were in the kitchen.
“Tommy?”
“Yeah?”
“Did you clean my loft?”
“Oh, don´t worry about it, I had some time to kill.”
He wanted to say some more, but his arms were suddenly filled with Evan. The other man was basically glued to him with arms and legs. Tommy held him up on his ass. How he missed this.
A thanks was whispered in his neck. Evans hot breath was giving him goosebumps. Suddenly he felt a wetness on his neck and quiet sobs.
“I didn´t recognize that it was this bad. I thought it was just a rough patch, you know after a breakup, but it didn´t stop. And then I started to annoy the others with my baking, so I stopped that, and suddenly I had nothing left. I was on different shifts, I was no longer invited to outings, everyone forget about me. I had no reason to leave my bed in the morning or to cook anything. Today in the fire, I didn´t care if I lived or died. Everyone has someone, but me.”
“Oh baby. I don´t know what I would do without you. You are my every thought, from the moment I open my eyes in the morning to the moment I close them in the evening. It was my biggest mistake to ever leave you.”
“Why did you?”
“I was an ass. I thought you would hurt me, that you would see, that I am not your endgame, that you would see my flaws and leave. I wanted to be the one leaving for once. But I didn´t calculate, that you might actually be the love of my life.”
“I can´t do that again.”
“What?”
“I can´t have you leave me again. If we try this, I need you to be in this. If it doesn´t work out okay, but I can´t have this again.”
“Baby, I want that too, but I think you need to get better first. You can´t live for me, you have to live for yourself first and foremost. I think you should go back to therapy. I also think you should talk to Eddie, Hen, Bobby, Chim and Maddie. Tell them how you feel. I am sure they still love you, but you have to talk and put yourself first. I know you want to help Eddie and Hen with their shifts, but if this is no good for you, it has to stop.”
“I don´t know how to start.”
“How about we start by making dinner, gotta get some meet on those rips. Then we will sent a mail to your therapist, Dr. Copeland, is it? And than we get back to bed. Starting tomorrow we go back to being just friends, once you´re ready I will be too.”
“What about the others?”
“How about we invite them to a barbecue at my place, neutral ground.”
Buck nods. Could it be this easy?
“You said starting tomorrow we are friends, correct?”
Tommy nods. Before he can say even one word Evans lips are on his. How he missed this. His Evan. Those lips are to die for. He can feel a tongue against his lips and opens his mouth. Their tongues fight from one to the other mouth. A little moan escapes past his lips which makes Evan even more passionate. But they shouldn´t do this. Especially not, when Buck is still vulnerable.
“I promise you, there is nothing I want more, than to throw you on your bed and open you up with my tongue. But we shouldn´t do this. Let´s make it better this time.”
“Do you always have to be right, baby?”
“It´s a blessing and a curse.”
“One for the weeks ahead?”
He didn´t answer but kissed Evan one last time, tasted him one last time. There is only one thing keeping him hopeful, it won’t be the last kiss.