Chapter 2
"Done at last, eh?" asked James, smirking, as Sirius finally entered the dorm after almost an hour of being out with Mary. James didn't mind their relationship at all; he was bloody happy for his best mate. As long as Sirius was showing up to quidditch practice, James was satisfied.
Sirius chuckled and threw himself on the bed, letting out a sigh. Peter was in the shower while James munched on some Bertie Bott's every flavor beans.
"Hey, where's Moony?" wondered Sirius. Remus had been disappearing quite often at this time of night; Sirius was aching to know why.
"He said he was at the library. He's too harsh on himself, staying up this late to study," replied James, words coming out as mumbles as he chews.
Sirius nodded, not quite convinced. He grabbed the map from his bedside table and examined it. No surprise; Remus was not at the library. After a while, Sirius spotted his name in the astronomy tower. He had this abnormal feeling in his stomach. Had he snuck out to meet a girl? To snog a girl? To shag her?!
Sirius felt appalled by the idea. Why was he sneaking out? And who was he seeing? His line of thought got interrupted as he caught Remus's name heading back to the dorm. He closes the maroon-red curtains around his bed and covers himself with the sheets.
Remus enters the dorm to find the rest of his mates all in bed. he quietly changed and headed to his bed.
The next morning, Sirius was determined to get the truth out of Remus. he told James and Peter to head to the great hall before them while Remus was in the shower and Sirius anxiously waited for him to finish. The bathroom door swings open, and Sirius jumps to his feet.
"Oh, hey, Pads. Where are James and Pete?"
"They headed to the great hall. You know how James gets in the morning, he and his bloody appetite." Sirius laughed. Remus chuckled, but then shot him a confused look.
"Well, why are you here? If anything, I know your appetite is just as horrid."
"Oi! Says you. You have the biggest appetite out of all of us," stated Sirius. Remus glared at him, then he continues, "but anyways, I thought I'd wait for you."
"Oh. Thanks." They stare at each other for a few seconds. Sirius hesitated to bring it up, rethinking his decisions, while Remus simply took the chance to admire Sirius's face. His sharp jawline, his soft lips, his long, silky black hair, and his silver eyes. Oh, his silver eyes.
After a bit, Sirius breaks the silence.
"Moons, you know you can tell me anything, right?" Remus's facial expression switched in a heartbeat, and he found himself turning away from Sirius, pretending to lounge around for a jumper. He was, in fact, looking for one, yet his intentions were to escape Sirius's gaze. Oh, his deathly gaze.
"'Course I do," he replied, still avoiding eye contact. Sirius noticed, and he walked to the other side to face Remus.
"Were you planning on telling me about your secret girlfriend? I see you went on a secret rendezvous last night."
This caught Remus off guard. Had he been spying on him? And what? A girlfriend? He couldn't believe that's what Sirius thought he was doing. Then again, typical Sirius Black jumping to irrational conclusions. His face turned blank, and his heart began to race.
"Were you spying on me?"
"That's not the point of this conversation, Remus. You're hiding something." Sirius crossed his arms and stood in Remus's pathway, forcing him to stay still.
"Oh well, pardon me for having some fucking privacy. Since when am I supposed to tell you every detail in my life?" Remus was raising his voice. He didn't mean to; he didn't want to, but he couldn't take this girlfriend bullshit anymore. Why does everything have to be about girls? He had already felt out of place for being queer, and the constant talk about snogging females every day and repeated accusations of him having a girlfriend made him feel worse.
"I can't believe you. I thought you trusted me."
"Not everything is about you, Sirius; have you ever thought of that? And not everything has to be about fucking girls. Some of us actually have a life."
And with that, he left. Remus felt guilty after that; he knew he overstepped his boundaries. But he was getting so sick and tired of it. He stared at Sirius's empty seat at breakfast, then lunch, and then dinner. He miraculously escaped James's endless questions, but he knows sooner or later it's going to bite him back.
Sirius didn't mention it after the next few days. He would hear Remus quietly sneak out every night, assuming everyone is already asleep. They both weren't speaking to each other much and avoiding moments alone at all costs. Remus was tormented by the sight of Sirius and Mary being rubbed in his face everywhere he goes and felt horribly guilty about what he said, while Sirius was infuriated by the fact that one of his best mates is hiding something from him, or at least that's what he told himself.
Yet, them being Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, they wouldn't talk about it, each lad more stubborn than the other. Sirius eventually started acting normal with the lot but never directly spoke to him. Remus couldn't exactly blame him; if only he could know. If only, if only, if only.
It was a Thursday night the following week when the group was huddled around in the common room. The marauders, as well as Mary, Marlene, and Lily, were there, excitedly discussing the event to occur the night after: Halloween night.
"Pads and I have a surprise prepared for all of you!" James had been the one looking forward to it the most; he had been talking about it all week.
"Unless it's an endless fountain of firewhiskey, you can keep it to yourself," muttered Mary. She had been sitting on Sirius's lap the entire time; Remus felt nauseated.
"Ah, Mary love, you underestimate me," replied Sirius, dramatically placing his palms on his heart. Remus couldn't help but look up from his book at that response, only to see them both leaning in to snog, once again.
"Do you two really have to snog at every given bloody minute? Get a room for Merlin's sake," sighed Peter.
Remus snorted in agreement when Sirius turned to look at him.
They remained that way for a while, staring at each other. No words spoken, but so much being said. James was attempting to impress Lily while Marlene and Peter played chess and Mary rested her head on Sirius's shoulder. It was ironic really, Sirius practically being a seat for Mary while his eyes locked on someone else. Remus couldn't take it anymore. He stood up and made his way to the stairs.
"Moony! Where are you going, mate?" asked James, turning his head to look at him. Remus muttered something about being tired, not looking back.
"Do you think he's okay? He's been acting weird this past week. Reckon it's the moon?" Lily and the rest of the girls had found out about Remus's furry little problem, and he didn't mind it; they were close after all.
"Dunno. He wouldn't tell me," replied James. He glanced at Sirius. James has noticed the tension between the two. Everyone has. They haven't said a word to each other all week, which was very unusual for the pair.
"Well, lads, this was entertaining, but I'm heading off now; you lot are getting boring," announced Marlene. James made a remark about his hurt ego but let it go this time.
After everyone had left, Sirius and James were the only ones remaining, purposefully so. Sirius had sensed a conversation coming, and he tried to avoid it really, but there's no avoiding James Potter.
"Look, Prongs, whatever it is, I don't know and I don't care."
James gave him a look, letting out a sigh. "Since when do you not care when it comes to Moony? You've always cared. If anything, you care more than any of us."
"That's not true." Sirius was avoiding looking at James in the eye. It was all too much for him, really. He had always been the type of person to share everything with James and let him in, yet this time, the truth is harder to confess than he thought. It is true, he wanted to say. It's the realest thing he has ever felt. He can't comprehend his feelings, but he can't deny them either.
"Sirius, come on. What's going on? I know you know something."
"No idea what you're talking about."
"Pads-"
"Just leave it, okay?" he interrupted, raising his voice a bit. "I'm off to bed."
And just like that, James was left alone in the common room. Sirius took a long shower after that, with him and Remus's conversation replaying in his head. His words echoed in his brain. Truthfully, he had missed him more than ever. His sweet brown eyes, soft smile, fluffy, messy, sandy hair, and the jumpers he always stole that smelled like him. Smelled like home. His home.
But no, he couldn't. He fancies Mary, doesn't he? He likes Mary. Remus is a bloke; he can't fancy him.
The boiling hot water engulfs Sirius as he is plagued by these thoughts spiraling in his brain.
No, he repeats to himself. I can't be. I can't be. I can't be.