Remus wanted to die.
Remus was born blue, the umbilical cord around his neck like a tie, as if he was born ready to witness a funeral, maybe he was born to die.
At four, his hair was a dirty blonde in the sun, a sun-kissed brown shade indoors, he was the sweetest kid ever, he was polite, he was playful, he was gente, he was funny.
Was.
Until march ten of 1964, when he was playing outside with the toys he got for his birthday, when he heard the fence creak, a dog, he thought as the sun settled, leaving the sky an purple tinted orange, s beautifully painted scenery to a terrible tragedy.
Lyall froze, Hope screamed for her little boy, the neighbors looked disgusted as they witnessed the horror.
Fenrir almost broke Remus's neck, almost split his spine in two when he grabbed tje boy by the back of his neck and dragged him across the yard as the little boy begged him to either let him go or end him.
Fenrir did neither.
He bit down hard on the small shoulder, breaking skin, cutting down through every layer of skin. epidermis, dermis and hypidermis, all severed under sharp teeth.
Lupin never recovered fully, his left hand did not open fully, as if he was forever prevented from showing himself truly, maybe he was.
He grew up alone, never fully trusting anyone or himself, until one day, when he met the sun, a sun-kissed brown haired boy, with brown skin and glasses, the ego the size of a lake amd double the heart– James Fleamont Potter, and of course, the sun brought the star with him, a ink haired boy, with hauntingly beautiful steel grey eyes, skin like porcelain and the stubbornness of a mule, and yet the elegance of a swan, Sirius Orion Black, the boy with the devil in his eyes.
★
–Please. Please. I'm here, on my knees, begging for your forgiveness.– He pleads, his grayish blue eyes watery, his chin quivering, he looks absolutely ridiculous there, a nineteen year old, knelt– not before a god, not because someone powerful. No. Knelt before him. The only person he truly loved with this whole heart, a heart that was about to be wrecked, tore to pieces, bashed against his chest, completely and utterly destroyed.
–And here i am, standing. And refusing the said apology.– Remus' voice is stern, dangerous, like an predator hunting and about to strike it's prey.
Sirius lowers his head like a soldier that knows he's lost, yet he looks up at Remus, his eyes aren't like melted chocolate anymore, they're colder, colder than the heavy snow outside, his eyes are now the color of the Womping Willow, ready to hurt him where Remus knows where it hurts.
– I want my stuff back.– He blurts, the corner of his upper lip raised in almost disgust. –Not my jumpers, not my poems, not my goddamn Bowie vinyl. I want my
secrets back. You don't deserve to know things about me that no one else does, especially after what you've done, Black.
The black haired boy holds back a sob. Black. Not six, not Paddie, not love, not anything but Black, the long line of screw-ups.
Sirius bit his lip painfully, he hated that look on Lupin's face, he hated the silent treatment, he wanted Remus to curse him out, make his life hell, beat him to a pulp with his cane, a cane that now had glue residue from a constellation sticker, his constellation, and Remus had ripped it out.
– Give them back. Forget them, and never let them cross your mind again, forget ms and every little stupid secret I told you.– Remus looked angry, but his anger wasn't like Walburga's, no. It was cold, cold as blade made out of ice.
Tears rolled down pale cheeks, Sirius hugged himself, just as he did when he was little.
–I'm sorry, I'm sorry and i love you.– His usual cocky, arrogant voice was now
replaced by a small, raw voice, his vision blurred with tears, Remus sighed as if he was tired of everything, tired of being the one who understood everything and everything. He just wanted to take everything out of his chest, bleed in words.
–You have a piece of me now. Maybe forever, no matter how much both of us wish you never dared to kiss me on my birthday.
Remus felt empty. He wanted to scream, to shout, to hold Sirius and kiss him until the tears stopped, he wanted to go back in time and push him away when he first kissed Remus, he wanted to run away from himself.
Remus didn’t knew what to do. So he left, he couldn't bear to see the love of his life crying on the floor.
–I love you too, no matter how much i hate to do so.– He said, not daring to turn around and face Sirius, because he knew that if he did, he would never go back.
That night was the last time Sirius saw Remus. He took the next train to England,
and Sirius never heard from him again, not until october twenty-six of 1979, when he got an emergency call.
Remus had drowned in a cave, alone, cold and scared, trying to save Regulus from death, and he did save Regulus from his fate.
But Remus never really saved himself, did he?