I would say I'm sorry if I thought
that it would change your mind
But I know that this time
I have said too much
I have been too unkind
-Boys Don't Cry, The Cure
Mary couldn’t understand how one could live in such a place. Then ,again, the inhuman conditions the prisoners endured were only fitting for the terrible crimes they had committed.
Still, she was empathetic enough to feel sorry for those who had to spend their lives behind the thick, rusty, metal bars of Azkaban and sleep on freezing cold, hard cement floors under the constant supervision of the dementors.
She felt very uncomfortable walking amongst the latter; she’d been visiting for only 5 minutes and she was already starting to feel the cold in her heart, as if all happiness had been sucked out of her soul and replaced by emptiness.
She was there for a reason, though, and that was answers, so she kept walking.
She had managed to gain access to the maximum-security prison thanks to a friend in the Ministry, as visits to inmates were not allowed. This one particular wizard, though, had to be the reason she broke the rule.
She could see him, now, curled in fetal position, what once were long, lustrous black curls covering his face in a sad, dirty, curtain of dull hair. She could see all his bony extremities where there used to be muscle. His pale, even paler than before, muddy skin only made his under eyes look darker: two purple bruises to circle the blue gems that now looked deprived of all their youth.
For a moment, it seemed as if he could see her, see the memory of her, his eyes showing a glimpse of what his brilliant mind used to be. But then nothing again.
«Sirius.» she spoke, maybe rougher than she intended to. It was only fair that she would sound angry, though, she was standing in front of the monster who’d killed their best friends. She was met with no answer.
«I’m here to talk to you, Sirius,» she continued «To talk about Lily. And James. and poor little Pete» again, she was gifted his silence. «for Godric’s sake Sirius, speak to me!»
«Fourth year. You and I were snogging on the third floor. where were we hiding?» he finally spoke, voice hoarse, just a ghost of what a honey-like melody it was to listen to him speak. He was testing her, in case she’d transfigured. He still remembered the Order’s protocol, despite being a traitor.
«we hid under the one-eyed-witch statue. the boys didn’t know about it, you didn’t want them to think you were spilling all their secrets to your girlfriend.»
The wizard seemed to think about her answer for some seconds, then he spoke again.
«Why are you here, Mary? everybody must know what happened, by now. what more answers could you possibly need?»
«I want to know why, why did you kill them?? James was your best friend! He was a marauder, so were you, and so was Pete. You killed Lily, too, and she was family, Sirius! What, did you spare Remus only because he was your boyfriend or were you planning on offing him too before you got caught?»
«Don’t speak his name. not in here. has he asked about me? what has he said, please Mary i need to know!»
«He’s horrified with you» she lied. She hadn’t spoken to Remus, yet. Not that he seemed in any condition to talk to anybody. She never saw him again after they got the news. She had talked to him on the phone, but he'd barely spoken. He had sounded drunk.
Still, she was too angry to care about breaking poor Sirius Black’s heart. «And I am too, you know»
«I wasn’t the one to kill them.»
«Yes, it was the Dark Lord, but who gave him intel on where they were hiding, Sirius? it wasn’t me, and everyone else who knew is dead. Except Remus, of course, but I know it wasn’t him.»
«No, he’s innocent. And I know you are too.»
«Then why did you get them killed?»
«You struggle to find a reason, Mary, because there is no reason. I can’t find a reason why anyone would think I did it either. but I’m here anyway, so what does it change now?»
Mary couldn’t find it in herself to answer him, too angry with grief, eyes coated by a shimmer of tears. «You want answers?» he continued «the answer is that they’re dead. there’s nothing that can be done about it, but if it makes people sleep better at night that Sirius Black is locked in a cell, then so be it. I won’t try to escape, Moony hates me, you hate me, and the others are all dead, so I’ve got no one to go back to anyway. Nothing left to lose but my mind.»
«But we loved you.» a sob escaped her mouth. If she didn’t know what she knew, she could’ve sworn his eyes were wet too.
«I’m sorry to disappoint, Mary.» with a twirl of the hand, he moved his hair away from his face. She could see him better now, She could see the hunger, the hurt, the guilt, “serves him right” she thought, and “I hope you rot in here”.
Still it pained her to see her former friend, former boyfriend, in such a miserable state. She could bare it no more. So she left and never went back. She was the only friendly face Sirius Black would see for twelve long years.