Managing

Remus Lupin was fucking good looking. There was no denying it. He was tall with brown hair and warm eyes, their color resembling a mix between caramel and honey. He was calm with a welcoming attitude, but still un-mistakenly professional. His whole demeanor let off a “I’m a nice guy but no bullshit” kind of vibe. In loss for a better word, Remus seemed to be in balance. He was everything that Sirius wasn’t.

Parker greeted them with a nod before turning to Remus. “This is my good friend, Remus Lupin. Remus, this is The Marauders”.

Parker gestured to Peter, James and Sirius at the table. They all stood up and shook Remus’ hand while introducing themselves. When it was Sirius’ turn, a small smile played at the corner of Remus’ lips as they shook hands and Sirius wondered how much Remus knew about him. About everything. He felt a slight paranoia creeping up on him. Sirius didn’t exactly know why, but in a dark and repressed place in his mind, he recognized the need to be liked. It was as simple and as difficult as that. And that internal battle made him instinctively more reluctant to the whole “manager concept”. Especially when the said manager looked like Remus Lupin did.

They all sat down at the table. The band at one side, and Parker and Remus on the other. Sirius noticed the stack of papers in front of Parker and frowned slightly. He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back in the chair, as Parker began to explain the formalities.
Sirius took the opportunity to do a much-needed mental checkout while resting his eyes on Remus. It felt good. He sighed through his nose as his eyes started to wander. He noticed a bright scar across Remus’ straight nose, and he had well-placed freckles spread across his face. His lips were flush and formed a wolfish smile at something Parker said.

Sirius unfolded his arms and placed an elbow on the armrest to let his chin rest on his closed fist. He let his gaze search down. Remus had broad shoulders, and his breathing came easy and relaxed, mimicking waves at the shore. Sirius eyelids felt heavy at the motion, and he felt something he could not explain form deep inside of him. Almost like a longing for something he did not know. A pull. He did not particular enjoy the sensation. He was running out of mental capacity and not knowing where to put certain feelings or even understand them, was getting tiresome. Not just because of the feelings, but also due to the physical sensations that they left behind in his body and made him say or do things that brought him in shit situations. Things that got him straight to rehab.

No, he didn’t like when other people affected him. Not one bit. It made the constant underlying itch that much harder to ignore. In general, Sirius didn’t like being affected by anything or anyone that was not self-inflicted. Something within his own control. Something he actively chose to be affected by. Drugs, alcohol, music, the audience at their shows or his closest friends. Those things.
But lately, it became increasingly harder to tell which way around things went. Well, since getting back from rehab at least. He was sure what James and Peter would say: that his drug induced actions got him in shit situations. But it wasn’t always true. Not the whole truth at least. Most of the time it actually felt like using was the only way to stop himself from getting into trouble. Into situations, feelings or expectations that he could simply not handle or navigate. Using was not entertainment, not anymore. Shit, sometimes he wondered if it ever was. Now it was just hard to get by without. To cope. Not because of the chemical aspect of addiction, but the emotional part, that “non-addicts” could never begin to understand. It felt like somewhere along the way the world had grown teeth that sunk deep into his flesh and tore him apart. But in the painful reality, Sirius knew, that the world had not gotten harder. He had just gotten weaker. Hence the constant underlying urge for relief. The itch that grew proportionally stronger whenever he felt emotionally challenged. Which was, if he dared to be honest with himself, more often recently.

And Remus Lupin seemed like a very possible threat to his whole ‘emotionally challenged situation’.

Sirius swallowed. Lost in thought, he furrowed his brows and lifted his gaze from Remus’ chest to his face where he was met by a pair of light brown eyes staring directly at him. No, they fucking bore into him. The surprise made his breath hitch in his throat, and he quickly tore his gaze away from Remus’. Sirius crossed his arms over his chest again, attempting to shield himself from the burning eyes opposite from him.

No. No. No.

He could sense James watch him intently, but Sirius refused to meet his eyes. As James turned back around, Sirius caught him, and Peter exchange a quick glance. Whatever that meant.

“Parker and the label filled me in on the situation”. A new voice filled the room and Sirius’ attention immediately snapped back to its owner. Remus continued calmly, while Sirius forced himself to look at him. He wanted out and shifted in his seat.

“But maybe it would be wise for me and Sirius to discuss it further at the right time and place. That is, if you feel comfortable doing so of course”. Remus looked straight ahead at Sirius, and he felt his mouth become dry in an instant. His head felt weird. Empty. Like a complete shut-down, which rarely happened, as Sirius’ mind often sped out of control. The emptiness was something he always longed for. But this was something else entirely. This was nothing like that. This was…this was – he didn’t know what it was. But it wasn’t fucking welcome in his head. 

Comfortable? What did Remus mean ‘comfortable’? When was Sirius’ comfort ever a topic of conversation? I’m not fucking comfortable. I don’t do comfortable.

Comfort seemed like a concept that Sirius was denied since childhood. And he sure as hell was not comfortable right now with Remus looking at him like that. Sirius frowned and unwillingly he started fidgeting under the table. The time passed and he needed to say something, fucking anything. He nodded and forced out a “yeah, sure”, before the situation became more tense. Remus nodded and smiled, small dimples forming in his cheeks.

“Alright, good. Well Parker already said the most important things. For the time being, and only if you sign the contract of course, I will be your manager going forward. When the contract is up, we can discuss future actions from there”. Remus paused and Sirius saw James and Peter nod in agreement. Had Parker said something he should have heard? The emptiness began to dissolve into rapid motion as the world sped up again, matching Sirius’ heartbeat. Remus continued.

“I do have a rule that you should know before agreeing to this partnership. For the last couple of years, I have been brought into people’s lives and careers due to many different circumstances. And I believe that cooperation and trust made the whole difference in the outcomes. However, trust is not easily earned”. Remus paused and looked into Sirius’ eyes. He felt like this part of the conversation was meant for him in particular. But if Remus thought that Sirius would trust him, he shouldn’t hold his breath. Sirius didn’t even trust himself. How the hell would and should he even trust a complete and ridiculously good-looking stranger. No. Not in a million fucking years. Just the thought of it made a cold and challenging smirk form on his lips. A warning. Remus seemed unbothered by this.

“My experience is that it takes at least six months to form a realistic foundation for collaboration. If we do not give each other the necessary time to develop a relation, neither of us will get anything from this arrangement”. Remus sat back and gave them all a long look. No one spoke a word, but James and Peter both came with small nods.

“For this reason, you sign the contract for at least six months. In other words, we are legally bound to work together for the next half a year. Even if we disagree, even if you want to fire me or I want to walk out. We are in this for six months”.

Six months. Bound together. Even if you want to fire me.

Sirius felt his throat begin to tighten as his instincts finally kicked in. What the hell was Parker thinking? Was he thinking? Was anyone? This was fucking dangerous. Remus could destroy them, well he most definitely could destroy him, in the matter of weeks. After this whole Scott situation, which Sirius barely endured for a year, Parker wants to force a complete stranger on him for six months? With no way out? This was most likely the worst thing Sirius could ever imagine would come out of this meeting. He frantically looked at Parker, searching his eyes for a way out. Silently pleading him.

Don’t make me do this.

Parker was already eyeing him calmly. He gave Sirius a quiet nod. Like it should calm his inner storm. It did not. Sirius frowned at him, just barely stopping himself from barring his teeth like some animal. He could feel his own pulse, slamming.

“Sounds reasonably enough?”, James casually said without the intention of getting an answer to his statement. Sirius coughed as he choked on his own saliva.

“Reasonably enough? Are you out of your fucking mind, Prongs?”. Sirius hissed in anger. This was absurd. Even for them. James gave him a confused look before Peter chimed in:

“Pads, it’s only six months. And I think Remus got a good point. Besides, we kind of need him right now. Tour is coming up and without a manager, we’re screwed”. Peter’s eyes looked pleadingly at Sirius. Almost begging him not to make a scene. Begging him to calm down. It only added fuel to his inner fire.

“Only six months? Do you have any idea what could happen in six months? Are you out of your fucking minds?”. Sirius’ voice was loud and accusing, and he did not care in the slightest. His anger was rising at an alarming rate. Peter winced at his cold attitude, but James looked like he was briefly considering throwing Sirius out the window, just to avoid dealing with another one of his temper tantrums. Parker rubbed a hand over his face, bracing himself for any possible outcome. Then James put a hand on Sirius’ shoulder.

“Why are you so upset about this Pads? We’re not trying to-“

“I’m not upset!”, Sirius interrupted and pushed James’ hand off him, not able to stand any physical touch. Controlling his inner chaos was already more than enough. He couldn’t handle anything else disturbing him.  

“Why are you acting like I’m the fucking problem here? We can’t sign a contract on those terms. No one in their right mind would! You can’t force me into this. I won’t let you. I-I don’t want to”. The last part came out way more defeated than Sirius had intended, and he considered just hauling himself out the window, sparing James the trouble throwing him.

The room became quiet for a while, the only noise was Sirius’ angry breathing, which came rough and forcefully from his chest. Peter had no intention of being the first to speak and James simply looked confused. Remus cleared his throat and Sirius forced himself to look at him, his grey eyes burning. He raised a dark eyebrow, challenging him to say something.

“You are not the problem Sirius, but you’ve gotten yourself and the band in problems”. Sirius rolled his eyes at that. Remus ignored him.

“I’m offering to help you. Nothing else. There is no hidden ulterior motive. I’m just doing what I’ve learnt works best. It’s not meant as punishment. I would never suggest this to make your life hard or complicated. I want you to succeed. I want this to work”. Instead of raising his voice or getting angry with him, Remus sat calmly and explained himself, his eyes never leaving Sirius’ dark gaze. And the worst part was, that he came across as sincere. It hit Sirius harder than a slap to the face would have. Remus’ look was steady and determined, holding Sirius in place. But there was a hint of something else too. Something Sirius wasn’t in the right headspace to understand. Something akin to empathy.

Sirius swallowed hard and felt his eyes flicker between Remus and Parker, as he slowly felt outnumbered. He was cornered, so he did, what he did best. He ran.

“I – I need a minute”, he mumbled and stood up from his chair in a quick movement. Then he made a beeline towards the office door, already grabbing his shades from his hair on the way. He vaguely heard Peter and James mumbling something as he left the room.

--- --- ---

Outside the building, Sirius patted his pockets nervously. The empty sensation filling him with anger and made his uneasiness spike. He let out a frustrated groan as his search was fruitless and sat down on a nearby bench. The sun hung lower now and painted the parking lot in a warm orange color. His right leg started jumping up and down, trying to release some of the built-up tension.

In theory, six months was nothing. It really was. Especially in his timeline. But the last six months with Scott had been hell. Just the thought made Sirius sick, and he tried to take a deep breath, ignoring how shaky it was. If he, for once, tried to be honest with himself, he was unsure which part scared him the most. Remus’ expectations of a trusting collaboration (which Sirius knew, he could not deliver), or the fact that he owned his ass for the next six months. Well just that anyone owned him for six months.

He could be more careful though. When the itch became too strong to ignore, which he knew it would somewhere along the line, or the craving for physical intimacy became too much. He could distance himself. It could work. If Remus decided not to fucking end him. Cause this was not just about being outed or ashamed of himself and his total lack of self-preservation. This was about inviting someone in with no going back. And Remus was not playing. Sirius could tell. There was a big fucking chance that Remus had to spend little time with him before all Sirius’ carefully built-up walls came crushing down.

That man can tear you apart if you let him and you know it.

Sirius swallowed. That was the problem. He was unable to stay in line for six months. He was not in control of his own being. He would mess up in one way or another and Remus would know. And then what? What was the biggest problem? The fact that Remus saw sides of Sirius, that he wished no one saw, or the fact that Remus might not like those sides? And he was forced to deal with it head on until six months had passed. A small sound that sounded dangerously close to a whimper escaped his throat.

Fuck.

Sirius lifted his head as he heard the door behind him swing open. Peter and James quietly made their way over to him. Sirius rested his hands on his knees, head hanging, waiting. Then he heard a flick from a lighter, and a cigarette was offered to him. James.

“Take it. Your knee bouncing is making me go insane”, he huffed and sat down on the bench. Sirius muttered a thanks as he took the cigarette. He was trying to quit, hence the empty pockets. But desperate times…

Peter positioned himself on a bench opposite from them and eyed them down before releasing a silent breath. He looked tired. James cleared his throat as Sirius took a deep inhale from the cigarette, not inclined to start any conversation.

“You need to talk to us Pads. This whole thing is clearly messing with your head”. James stated in a neutral tone. Peter nodded along. The parking lot was quiet as the sun began to set. They could hear distant sounds of people talking and children laughing, but between the three of them, the silence stretched out.

“Come on Pads. Please say something”, James begged and tried to catch Sirius’ eyes. Sirius sat up in the bench and sighed. He played with the cigarette between his fingers. Thankful for something to fidget with.

“I’m sorry”, he mumbled and took another inhale before continuing. This was uncomfortable. This was out of his comfort zone, and they all knew it. Peter and James waited patiently for him to find the words.   

“I – Scott, he – fuck“, Sirius sighed and cleared his throat before starting over. The words and feelings were storming inside his mind, and he couldn’t get a hold of them. He tried to connect his feeling to words, or the other way around, but it was hard. Which goes where? In what order? How do people get the right message across? Sirius shook his head slightly, attempting to gain some sort of relief from his inner chaos.

“I got into the fight with Scott because he – he uhm. He said some things – to me”, Sirius cringed at his own pathetic attempt of explaining himself to his own fucking best friends. He shifted uncomfortably on the bench. But he owned them an explanation. He knew that. He just didn’t like it, which made perfect sense since he was also shit at it. Sirius sucked in a short breath.

“Well, he called me some things and – and he knew some things –“

“That you like guys to shag you senseless or what? Can’t be the biggest revelation on planet earth. I mean, taking your sometimes flamboyant attire into consideration. I’m confused as to why people still think you’re straight”. James shrugged nonchalantly and threw his own cigarette on the ground before crushing it under his shoe. Sirius snorted at the unbothered comment, which quite elegantly included an insult as well. Any other day, Sirius would be impressed.

“Wait, James…”. Peter gave them both a confused look. Sirius braced himself but sent Peter a sharp look with one eyebrow raised. Not in the mood to be pushed further. Peter didn’t seem to get the message though, or else he just didn’t give a shit, which was quite possible.

“How do you know that they fuck Sirius and not the other way around though?”, he asked in a tone full of wonder like James had the keys to some deeper secret. Sirius looked at them both in utter disbelief. His eyebrows raised high.

Great. Yes, let’s all discuss whether Sirius tops or bottoms, shall we? Seems like the perfect time to do so as well, since the topic clearly needs to be addressed.

James shrugged and was about to deliberate on the matter, which Sirius was sure to hear another day, but he cut them off with a headshake and a defensive motion with his hands.

“Can we maybe not discuss my sex-life, please?”, he groaned and rubbed his still sore face behind his shades. This was not the day. Well, if Sirius could choose, no day would ever be that day to have this conversation. But his bandmates had always loved to meddle in his business, like he did theirs. James and Peter laughed, and Sirius felt his cheek flush. He reluctantly continued before they could get another word in.

“But, yes. He knew... that and for some reason he, uhm. He decided to use it against me and pointing out…other things as well”, Sirius vaguely explained with a motion of his hand indicating, that he would not go into details. He had no intentions of telling his best mates that he may have broken his sobriety. That would disappoint them in ways that Sirius couldn’t handle. He sucked in a breath.

“He threatened to tell my family and he – well he just made my life hell for a while. Making sure I knew what a complete fuck up I was whenever I messed up and he told me how-“. Sirius took another breath, because this was the one thing in which he actually agreed with Scott. He continued.

“How I was a burden to you guys and to the band. How I might ruin our careers with my…problems”. There. He said it. It was out there, and they would try to convince him otherwise and so on. But when it came down to it, Sirius knew he was a burden. He felt like a burden, even to himself. Nothing Peter, James or Parker said or did would ever change that fact.

“Pads, that’s not –“. James began, but Sirius cut him off with a sharp look.

“Please don’t go there”.

James went silent and glared at him, but Sirius couldn’t care. It was what it was, and it was his own doing. No one could change how he was hardwired inside. That was just part of being a Black. Everything beyond excellence was a disappointment and issues were nothing but burdens and weaknesses. Dramatics even. A shameful thing that should be pushed deep down and never shown to anyone. It was flaws and bad character traits. And Sirius was full of them.

“It’s whatever. Now you know. I’ll sign the bloody contract and then it’s fine. After all, we need that Remus guy, don’t we”. Sirius threw his cigarette at the ground as well before trying to get up and away from the conversation. He had made up his mind. Well, he more likely had given up. He was exhausted. He’s had enough and now he needed a break. A hand that could only belong to James grabbed his arm and forced him to turn around. Before Sirius could protest, James sent him one of his best smiles and pulled him into a tight hug. Sirius groaned at first, his smaller frame being crushed in James’ massive embrace, but soon he gave in and hugged him back. Hiding his face in James’ shoulder and letting him stroke his hair. A total sign of “everything is okay and forgiven” between them. Peter just shook his head in the background, not giving a damn about them. The physical bond between James and Sirius had always been unique, and Peter had never been interested in joining in. He looked thoughtful for a moment, before he spoke:

“But…how do you know James? I mean about the shagging?”. Sirius quickly released himself from James, took one of his boots off and threw it at Peter who quickly dodged.

“Will you shut up about it!”, he yelled. James laughed so hard he almost cried, and Peter just shrugged his shoulders, like the boot-throw was a complete overreaction to a natural question. Sirius rolled his eyes, and a smile appeared on his own face as Peter threw his boot back to him.

They walked back to the office with the setting sun warming their backs, but Sirius still couldn’t shake a tiny voice warning him.

This can end badly. This can hurt you.