You’ll end up with a face full of shite.
James’ alarm clock goes off at six in the morning. It scares the shite out of me, not literally. Sirius is livid. His face gets all red and his hair is sticking up in complete disarray. I smooth my own hair down at the sight of him. It turns out James works out early every morning because he wants to make the quidditch team.
I point out first years can’t even try for the house teams. James doesn’t care. He wants a spot on the team next year so he has to work out all this year to prepare. James has now become even more weird to me than Remus.
I go back to sleep as soon as the room is peaceful, James having left to go jogging.
When I wake up the room is empty and I only have fifteen minutes left before breakfast ends. I scramble into my school uniform, tying my new red and gold tie in a rush and barely noticing the Gryffindor crest now affixed to my school robes. In the common room I spy an abandoned chocolate frog on a table and pocket it.
“Come here, Peter,” Sirius says, grabbing my tie and pulling me closer so he can straighten it. He smacks me on the side of the head and I yelp but it’s because a hoard of owls have just come streaming into the great hall.
I hunker down at the breakfast table and watch as both James and Sirius get post. Sirius gets a howler which shrieks at him about what a disappointment he is. No owls land in front of me, but I’d rather have nothing than a howler. Especially when Professor Dumbledore comes to take Sirius away before our first lesson. Maybe getting howlers is illegal.
I get to hold my wand during Defense Against the Dark Arts. It feels good in my hand even though I’m not successful with the finite incantatem spell in the lesson. Remus is my partner and he doesn’t seem any more confident than I am. I decide maybe I should try to be friends with Remus instead of the other two.
There are four Gryffindor first year girls: Lily, Mary, Greycen, and Franny. Lily has long red hair and round cheeks. Her skin is so freckled I can barely tell what color it is underneath the freckles. Remus is also very freckled but not nearly as much as Lily, and his skin is clearly golden brown. Mary had dark skin and her hair is big. I find it hard to look away from her perfect teeth. Greycen looks more like a boy than a girl, with cropped blonde hair, lighter than mine, and sapphire eyes. Franny is small but has big features, all except her tiny nose. Her brown hair is puffed up, her brown eyes are huge, and she has big front teeth.
After the lesson we go outside to catch some sun. I learn James, Sirius, and Remus all speak second languages. Sirius gets some sunnies from an upper year then stands against the castle wall looking cool, twirling his wand expertly through his fingers. I didn’t expect everyone to be into muggle stuff here. Especially not the purebloods.
Remus and Sirius leave together to write letters.
“What do you think of the girls?” James asks.
“What of them?”
“They seem nice enough.”
“Yeah.”
“What about Lily?”
“What about her?”
James is trying to twirl his wand like Sirius did. He isn’t having luck. My hand is wrapped around my wand in my pocket.
“She’s cute,” James says.
“I guess.” All I can think about are Mary’s amazing teeth and how Franny got her hair to be so big.
James’ wand clatters to the ground. He picks it up but I can see it’s got a scratch along the smooth surface. James talks about quidditch while I wonder what will happen if he accidentally breaks his wand.
After lunch we have Herbology, then study period with the fifth year Prefects. Their names are Alice and Frank.
Sirius is trying to get attention, giving the Perfects a hard time, and gets his way in the end. I pull out my chocolate frog from earlier and unwrap it.
“First,” Alice says, when Sirius demands he wants advice only an experienced Hogwarts student can give, “avoid the girls’ toilets on the second floor.”
“Which one!” Franny exclaims.
“Why?” Lily asks.
“Just avoid them all for now. Second, many of the broom closets around the castle have alerting spells placed upon them. I can’t give you specifics, but approach all broom closets with a quick escape plan until you know which are spelled or how to deactivate the spells. Third, never eat food you find sitting around; even if it was in our own common room.”
I put down the second bite of my chocolate frog. No one saw where I got it, but now I’m worried I’ve just poisoned myself. I don’t hear the rest of Alice’s advice because I think my throat is tightening. I rub at my chest. How fast does poison work? Should I go to the hospital wing?
“And whatever you do,” Frank says, “never, I repeat NEVER try to use the waddiwasi jinx to unclog a blocked toilet. Find a Prefect to get a message to the house-elves for you.”
“What will happen?” I ask.
“Let’s just say the toilet will work properly again, but at great cost to your person,” says Frank.
“You’ll end up with a face full of shite,” Alice clarifies.
I swear James and Sirius exchange a look.
“What was that jinx again?” James asks innocently.
“Never you mind,” Frank says. “The point is to not use it.”
Later that night, Remus calls a meeting between the four of us. James and Sirius have been discussing the jinx the Prefects mentioned but they don’t even have the name right.
“Waddewaxey,” James says, pointing his wand at his dresser. His accent is just enough to make it sound right. All the drawers burst open and fling the contents across the room.
“It’s time for the meeting,” Remus says, sitting down resolutely on the floor. Sirius sits, then lies back, putting his hands behind his head. James is trying to collect his possessions. I decide to help him.
“I think,” Remus says when we join them on the floor, “we should set some ground rules. You know, to be good dormmates to each other.”
“My only request,” says Sirius, “is that James gets rid of the bloody alarm clock.”
“Not a chance.”
“Well, I think we should all agree not to steal each other’s things,” I say.
“Excellent idea, Peter,” Remus says as he begins writing on a piece of parchment he brought to the meeting.
The meeting is quickly sidetracked when Sirius and Remus start arguing. James is trying to twirl his wand again, not paying attention until Sirius starts talking about privacy and modesty. Remus is a mess, trying to hide behind his hair.
I try to help. “I’m with Remus on this one. I don’t need to see anyone else’s . . . stuff.”
“I think the word you are looking for is knob,” says Sirius.
He and James start yelling about willies. I want to crawl under my bed. Then they want all of us to reveal ours to each other in the name of doing away with awkwardness.
“What!” I shriek.
“Um, no,” Remus says.
In the end it’s only James and Sirius who do it. I cover my eyes.