Memories
Gaslight
“Rather die and be alone
Than to love and be in pain”
Devastated.
Frustrated… disappointed.
There were too many words to express Zuko’s thoughts.
On one hand he was happy.
There was now a name that connected the two. Whether or not that would change anything was the real question.
Maybe Sokka would be able to connect the worn out headphones and brooding face with the guy he met at the venue.
Or maybe he would search through the halls of republic for a person that didn’t exist there.
No matter how intertwined Spirit and Zuko are, depending on the setting, they’re still two different people. A confident ego and… the real person.
Zuko considered changing his hair- maybe wearing something other than the plain uniform. Tossing up his charred mess of a head, he played around with different styles, exposing his forehead and ears.
Looking at the scarred and melted skin he cursed to himself. It was disgusting. Red and burgundy painted over like a children's watercolour painting. The more he stared, the more mangled and twisted it looked.
The scar remained a longstanding insecurity in Zuko’s mind, and everyday he was able to get closer to staring at it for more than 5 minutes. When it was painted over, the disgust that roamed in Zuko's mind subsided. The shining blue and white covered the blazing colour. Zuko hoped that when he was on stage, the shimmer from the paint glowed like Sokka’s eyes.
If Sokka were to look at him, he would probably be as disgusted of the scar as he is. Maybe even more.
Zuko pushed his hair back in front of his face, putting extra tufts near the scarred skin to cover it. When he looked at himself in the mirror like that, it didn't feel as noticeable.
If you weren't paying attention, you wouldn't realize it was there at all.
--
The bell for homeroom rang just as Zuko stepped onto campus. Upon pacing across his room and trimming his hair for the 4th time this week, he lost track of time.
Sokka had to have already been in his class by then. The thought soothed Zuko’s brain as he still brooded over the thought of seeing the guy face to face.
What surprised him, was that in the seat next to him, no one sat. It was empty, different from any other day of the entire year. Jet may have been a handful of a person, but he always showed up to school.
At least, he always showed up to homeroom.
The absence could only cause suspicion in Zuko’s mind. After all, there was nothing to trust about Jet.
Maybe he was planning something dangerous. He always yapped about his “daring quests” and “escapades of justice”. The man is so self centered even his ego had an ego. It’s the reason why he acted so superior to Sokka… in a way.
If Jet knew that someone had taken Sokka home, especially Zuko, he would blow his lid. Jet’s condescending voice cheeped through Zuko’s mind. Crazy scenarios popping in and out, making him more anxious than he already was.
Zuko already exhausted himself from last night's sudden dropoff.
--
“What are you doing?” Zuko’s hushed voice rang in.
When Sokka had gotten a few feet up the stairs, he was finally able to understand the situation he was being forced into. Now he had to figure out how he was going to do it.
Sokka.
Was supposed to be driving in his car.
With him.
In his car???
“Well you seemed so upset yesterday during practice… we wanted to help you out.”
Even when sounding so genuine, Zuko had a hard time understanding where Ty Lee was coming from.
Just because he was a bit upset about being irrelevant to the person he liked, didn’t mean Zuko needed to take the guy home.
Things were fine the way they were. And the more that Zuko found himself getting closer to Sokka, the bigger the hole grew inside his stomach.
It was meant to be pining… at a distance!
“Help me out? This isn’t helping me at all– what do you expect me to do when I’m driving him?”
“Take him home?” Kuzon spoke.
“Talk to him?” Mai added.
The entire situation was getting almost too insane for Zuko’s mind to handle.
He was already feeling so painfully idiotic from his “great advice” he had told Sokka. As if it would have any change on what Sokka was going through…
All he did was whine to himself about his own issues while acting like he meant it for Sokka’s troubles. And while Sokka was dealing with so much, he just sat there horribly infatuated with him- Listening to Sokka vent about his romantic troubles.
There was such a sorrowful feeling in Sokka’s countenance. You could tell how much he cared about his relationship… about Jet. The anguish oozing from his lips and being lost in the cold breeze.
“I really can’t do this.” Zuko breathed out his words in a defeated state.
“We’re not telling you to make a move, that’s crazy- he’s in a relationship.”
“But you can’t keep dragging yourself over one person… It’s not like you.”
Mai’s words hit zuko like a truck. “ Not like him. ”
It sounded exactly like him.
“...ello? Can you hear me?”
Zuko could feel his leg start to bob up and down on the classroom floor, and while trying to work out his mind, he focused on the drums and bass of the music that poured through his headphones.
“Can someone…. Is he doing?”
The kick roamed through his brain and scratched the inner parts that irritated him so much. It was paired with the melodic bass that rang low and buzzed lightly against the headphones.
“Zuko! Are you paying attention?!”
His teacher hollered from the front of the room with a frustrated expression.
It seems like she had been calling him for a while, her face red and perplexed.
He still couldn’t hear her. The sound of her voice being drowned out by the volume of the music.
But he saw.
The rest of the students in his class turned in their chairs to awe at the guy who dared to ignore their teacher. All of them gawking at a person they otherwise would have never noticed attending their school.
Zuko hated the stares.
He hated how nervous he was, how he couldn't seem to pay attention to someone calling him. How he couldn't even control his bending enough to not burn his own hair.
Even his homeroom teacher, who under any other circumstance would've never called on him- but for some reason, suddenly today was the day she wanted to acknowledge him. What made today so different? Why is he walking on eggshells in his own mind? Why wasn’t Jet at school?!
He hated it.
Zuko's skin burned with frustration as the smell of smoke and ash radiated off of him. His messed up train of thought left his brain and clouded out as he stood up and left class abruptly, slamming the door behind him, and blocking out the view of his teacher and classmates.
He cursed everything around him in his mind as he stepped quickly off of campus and into his car.
He shouldn't have to deal with this. All of these… feelings that were running through him.
Caring so much about what other people think. Obsessing over someone who won't ever reciprocate.
Zuko had spent so much time trying to become a better person. All the meditating, and expressing your feelings, just leads to him vying for the same stupid validation that will never arrive.
His breath pitched and vision blanked as the heat and smoke that flowed off of him became unbearable. If he went back inside he would’ve set off a fire alarm.
His forearms draped over the wheel while he dropped his head down in front of him. His sweat emitting the scent of brimstone.
While his body was centered in his car seat, his brain wandered back to the fire nation.
A dark room with only a bed, a table, and a window. The clanging of metal echoing off the walls as he banged at the locked bars of the door.
The bright setting sun glared across the plain walls, yet he felt so cold. And with bruises of battle and dissatisfaction, his body ached.
Zuko had a hard time reasoning whether or not he was scared, or sorry. But even if he figured it out. The two guards who watched his door would never let him out. Not until they got the command to do so.
When he had finally exhausted himself from the yelling, his voice hoarse, and his hands bloodied from the impact of the rusted steel. He sat with his back to the door, gazing at the risen moon.
It was only when he stopped, that a charring voice talked to him through his secluded walls and relinquished passion.
“I wonder how many times it will take for you to learn.”
How much longer would Zuko allow a dead man to haunt him.
--
He sat like that for a while. Working out his breath. Each puff in and out growing colder and colder as his body temperature dropped back to a normal level. His tightly strung muscles relaxed and ached lightly with relief.
Zuko couldn’t just waltz back into class. He was too mortified to even stay on campus. He needed to get away, so with a twist of the key he started his engine and drove off, riding around town going who knows where until the school day ended.
He was lightly astounded at the fact he hadn’t gotten a page from his uncle yet. The school definitely would’ve called about his absence, even his angry escape out of class. But every time he checked his pager, the screen flashed empty.
He would have to find out when he saw Iroh at work.
--
Island In The Sun
“When you’re on a golden sea
You don’t need no memory”
The Jasmine Dragon was bustling in the afternoon like usual. While clocking in behind the counter for his shift, Zuko scanned the store looking for his uncle. He wanted to ask if he got a call as quickly as possible. He didn’t want it to seem like he was hiding it. But his uncle was nowhere to be found.
As more people piled in to get seated, Zuko couldn’t spend his time searching for Iroh. A switch in his mind was flipped and he put himself into work mode.
His uncle had been teaching Zuko how to brew tea since he was a child. Him and Lu Ten always watched as Iroh prepared their cups, always putting special attention to making them amazing.
“You cannot rush a kettle.” He used to say.
While pouring the hot tea into the cups, Zuko was able to calm himself. Any negative thoughts that roamed in his head subsided, and all he could feel was the soothing warmth of the steam.
This was the heat that Zuko enjoyed feeling. His own fire felt so antagonizing, like it was eating his body from the inside. There was a time where he was able to bend like no other. He put so much work into perfecting his techniques. Now he couldn’t tell if the reason why it hurt him so much was because he was rusty. Or because he just wasn’t talented.
Finishing up an order he was finally able to spot his uncle at the edge of the shop conversing with patrons.
Every single person that walked into the store became like family to Iroh, he took the time to get to know each one of his customers, even if they just wanted to peek in.
Seeing his uncle look so happy filled Zuko with a sense of growth and change. Here he was, living a life he never thought he had the luxury to live. Finding friends… family.
Zuko wasn’t the same person he used to be, no matter how much his brain tried telling him otherwise.
After he left his nation.
After everything.
Sometimes he had to remind himself that he was no longer “Prince Zuko of the Fire Nation”.
Just Zuko.
And that was fine.
--
The car ride back home was nerve-wracking. His uncle explained his day just as usual without any clue that he knew anything. But the school had to have called him.
“So uncle…”
“Yes Zuko?”
“I– I left school today during homeroom.”
There was an amusing delay.
“I know. They called me before you came.” Iroh’s voice was stable yet kooky.
Oh?
“Why didn’t you say anything at the shop? I thought you would be disappointed.”
Zuko tried to keep his eyes on the road, but he just needed to figure out Iroh’s stone cold pokerface.
“I was waiting for you to tell me.” Turning his head, Iroh wore a smug yet comforting smile, “I guess I was correct in doing so.” He finished.
Zuko couldn’t help but smile back. The trust that the two shared was strong. Zuko started to question why he was even worried in the first place.
“That doesn’t mean you are getting off easy. I won’t ask you why you left, but you can’t do it again. It is disrespectful to the teachers and those who are working hard for your education.”
There we go.
Iroh’s voice came out stern and parental. But Zuko knew he didn't mean anything by it. That was the reaction he was expecting in the first place.
“Yes uncle, I won’t do it again.” He chuckled.
A debate ran in Zuko’s mind on whether or not he should tell Iroh about his mini episode. On one hand he knew his uncle would be supportive and willing to let him talk.
But he didn’t want to talk.
It wasn’t the first time he’s had a meltdown like that. All he wanted to do was forget.
Before the voice came back.
“...I got overwhelmed, I guess.” His uncle turned his head over curiously, showing Zuko that he was listening.
“...”
“I thought about Zhao again.”
The car rang silent as they both understood the weight of the commander's name. They both took it in, and ruminated.
Patting Zuko on the shoulder, Iroh gave a small sigh.
“Don't say anymore.” He spoke, “I know.”.
--
Sick Of It All
“I hate when the world stops revolving around me”
After the long day ended Zuko unlocked his front door hoping to finally drop on his bed and sleep.
Instead his cozy yet drab living room had been worked into a mini spa. The amazingly creative person who changed it, being someone Zuko hadn’t seen in years.
“What are you doing here?!”
Azula sat crisscross on a bamboo mat in the spot where the coffee table usually goes. She had surrounded herself with candles and rocks that looked like she had picked them straight out of a volcano. Despite Zuko’s crass reaction to her presence, she kept her eyes closed and maintained her meditating posture.
“That’s the heartwarming greeting I get Zuzu? A hello would be nice to hear.”
Her pompous yet sly way of speaking sent a wave of memories through Zuko. Both good and bad.
When he first left the fire nation, he expected to never speak to his little sister again. Until one day a letter arrived with her name signed. It was horribly mean, but still carried emotions that she would’ve never been able to tell him. Since that first letter, they kept in contact frequently, Azula finding ways to sneak out her words through the nation's borders without their father finding out.
“Hello… what are you doing in my house?” Zuko questioned monotonously.
“Did I not tell you she was coming? It must've slipped my mind.” Iroh set his things down while snorting at his lie and making his way to the kitchen.
“It delights me to see that you are still in good health uncle.” She had finally stood up from her mat and dusted off her fancy fitness clothing.
“Are you going to answer me..? Why are you here?! How did Father let you come?”
With a snarl and side eye, Azula snuffed the candle flames behind her.
“You ask too many questions…” She judged, “I convinced Father to let me come to Ba Sing Se for diplomatic reasons. ”
She gave air quotes to her last two words.
“He doesn’t know that I’m staying here of course. I paid off my attendants the second we stepped on earth kingdom soil.” She spoke with an inflated amusement, like she had everything under control.
Though Zuko didn’t want to believe his Father would be so lax about Azula coming here. He had to.
Azula was his golden child.
From the kitchen Uncle Iroh hollered.
“You can stay for however long you want!”
Zuko started to rearrange his living room to its original state, still feeling delirious from the whole situation.
The last time he saw his sister's face in person was when he got his facial scar.
“...How long are you staying?” He inquired.
“Do you want me gone that quickly dear brother? I thought we had grown closer.” She snarkly remarked.
“You know that’s not what I mean…”
Azula’s smile lost the sarcasticness, and finally seemed to be genuinely pleased.
“On father’s schedule it says a month. So…” She calculated the time in her head for a moment, “Two weeks and I’ll be out of your ratty hair.”
“It’s not ratty.” Zuko defended while setting the couch back in place.
“Please don’t lie to yourself Zuzu.” She insisted.
Throwing herself on the couch, she reached over the side table to turn on the radio. Zuko guessed that she was done making fun of him.
While making his way to his room, Zuko couldn’t help but crack a smile.
Somehow his sister had changed from his worst rival to… his annoying and bratty little sister. And in the journey of their relationship forming, he was able to learn about Azula’s own hardships with their Father. They were both able to attest to the trauma that was caused.
Somehow, it made Zuko feel less alone.
“Ah! Wait!” Azula exclaimed.
Zuko stopped in his path and turned back around to listen to whatever random demand she had coming to him.
“What?”
“Meet me outside in 2 hours. I need to warm myself back up after that long and draining journey.” She drawled her words as if she had gone through the most tiring day ever.
Zuko almost wanted to scoff at her obvious exaggeration. But he also felt an itch in his muscles to move.
“2 hours. No problem.”
After closing his door, he gave himself the time to sigh and take the entire day in.
Somehow he felt like his life was going to have a drastic change.