Winter Holiday- 5th Year
When Sirius’s letters stopped arriving half way through break James was left with nothing but the harshly scrawled words “I’m safe, don’t send another letter” and nothing else.
so James spent the last week trying to distract himself in any way possible. Quidditch with Marlene. Spent the day at Peter’s house. Helped Mamá with her cooking group.
Nothing helped. He spent the whole week with Sirius in his mind and worry in his gut.
When he finally arrived at the train station he stood at the Marauders usual spot, soon joined by Remus and Peter, but Sirius never came and the gnawing Bad feeling in James stomach just got tighter.
The train ride was a blackout, the whole time James looked out into the aisle hoping that in a moment Sirius would throw the door open and grin that Sirius Black grin; but he never arrived during the ride.
He didn’t arrive later that day.
Or the next.
James was a mess at that point- not on the outside, of course, he couldn’t let people know he was this freaked out or he risked other students finding out about the Black family’s idea of discipline- so James took it upon himself to get some answers about the whereabouts of the older Marauder. Regulus Black had also apparently not taken the train nor had arrived at all according to his friends.
He felt sick. Sirius was missing. And James could do nothing to even know if he was still alive at that point, Merlin what if he wasn't? James would die if that happened, how could he have been so stupid to listen to Sirius and leave him in that hellhole. Yep, sick, definitely going to be sick.
He stumbled up the common room stairs, maybe Sirius would be there
“please let him be there” he whispered to himself
“Please”
Remus closed his book when James walked through the door, his eyes scanned James’ face and a look of knowing hurt crossed his face. “James?”
“Hey, James, he’s gonna be ok”
Remus guided him to the old couch that sat between the beds- a backfired prank- and sat by him silently until James’s breathing leveled back out.
“What if we never see him again?” James says after more time. He leans over the side of the couch until he was laying over the side.
“We will” Remus replies, James can see tears form in his eyes but none fall.
“I really love him, y’know? I don’t know what to do?”
“I know, James. We’ll figure it out, he’ll be ok.” James got the feeling that Remus’s words were for himself as much as for James, but he didn’t care; they were nice to hear nonetheless.
Eventually Remus went back to his own bed. Peter returned minutes before curfew, giving James a sad look before retreating to bed as well, asking James to make sure he makes it into his bed- which he promises to do, but he probably won’t. Instead he lays there, thinking over all the good Sirius memories. The first Marauders prank. The first secret night in the library trying to become Animagi. Their first kiss. God, he was thinking of Sirius like he was already dead. Sirius Black was like a comet, big and bright against the dark, and he will always be there. But he cannot be killed like…that. And if he was, James will storm 12 Grimmauld place and take Sirius out of there himself. He smiles, Sirius would like that.
He wakes up at dawn, no Sirius.
He puts on his robes for class, no Sirius.
He takes a breath and heads down to the great hall with Remus and Peter, James will be ok because Sirius will be ok. He hopes.
He stares into the great hall full of students, laughing. Fuck, he takes it back, James will not be ok. He will never be ok again until Sirius is back in his arms.
He’s staring down into his cup of coffee when Lily squeezes in next to him and lays her curly head on his shoulder.
“How are you James?” She asks.
“Mhm, I’m fine.” He puts on a fake smile and hopes Lily drops the subject, she does, which he’s semi-grateful for.
Instead Lily just wraps her arms around him. He breaks. Small tears escape his eyes and fall onto her sweater.
The hall gets louder as more students file through and James turns his head every time someone with black hair bounces past, but it’s never him, and every time James’ hope flatlines.
He is about to leave, say “fuck it” and drown in bedsheets back in his room, instead he spills oatmeal on himself.
Because a sound comes from Remus’s lips, somewhere between a gasp and an oh.
Sirius.
James is up in a second. Stumbling. Running. To Sirius. He is alive. And, oh, how beautiful he is.
He meets Sirius at the doors and Sirius clasps onto him, Sirius has probably gone through hell and back, it’s James’ turn to be strong now. For him.
James leads Sirius into the hallway and slides him onto the floor next to him. Sirius has this vacant look in his eyes, just staring, and then life. Sirius is sobbing, hands grasping at wherever he can reach James, incoherent words escape his lips. James just holds him, running fingers through those black waves, just grateful to hold him.
“Siri, love, what happened?” It comes out of James’s mouth as a breath.
So Sirius tells him everything. His father found their letters James had been sending and locked him in his room where the last letter had been sent from. Then Walpurga and Orion went after Regulus, so Sirius lashed out- details do not need to be repeated about what happened- and in return both brothers were punished by the threat of not going back to Hogwarts. So Sirius shut down, let the spells hit, doing anything to make sure he got to go back. The only safe place, as he described it to James.
James was overcome with grief for all of what Sirius had been through, but also with love; because Sirius was home now. Home.
“Never again.” James whispers, planting a kiss on the other boy's temple.
“I’m never letting you go back there again”
“Thank you, mon cœur, for being my home.” Sirius’s voice shook with each word, but James couldn’t care less. He was going to do whatever it took to keep Sirius safe. Forever.
His Home.