Do I Wanna Know?

Dazai finds himself rather bored. 

He's sprawled across the fancy couch in Chuuya's office with nothing to do, as he's already dumped his (very late) paperwork onto him. Of course, such an action annoyed Chuuya beyond belief. And so Dazai was threatened with a very slow and painful death the next time he decided to dump his paperwork onto the slug. 

This only caused Dazai to whine about how mean Chuuya was; resulting in many curses and insults from the latter.

The sigh he lets out is purposely louder and more prolonged than necessary, simply to annoy Chuuya. As is the purpose of most of Dazai's actions. When Chuuya doesn't react, he does it again. 

 Silence follows. 

Chuuya is ignoring him; obviously. But that just won't do- Dazai needs his very valuable entertainment in the form of Chuuya's anger. After all, what else do you do with someone you hate? 

"Slug," he calls, staring up at the ceiling with the same air of boredom he's maintained for the last half hour. When Chuuya doesn't reply, and the only noise is the scratching of a pen on paper, Dazai's gaze turns to him instead of the ceiling. For a second, he only stares. 

Chuuya is a pretty boy, that much has always been obvious. Dazai can't help but stare sometimes. As did many other people. But that sort of thing didn't matter much to Dazai. He did not care about Chuuya's pretty features or the way people stared at them. He'd rather die in the most painful way imaginable than ever admit to Chuuya that he thinks he's in any way shape or form attractive. 

"Quit staring. It's creepy," Chuuya says, hardly even looking up from the paper on his desk. 

"I was only observing the ugly slug." He retorts as he turns his gaze back to the ceiling. Dazai opens his mouth to throw out another insult in an attempt to rile Chuuya up but gets cut off by the sound of tapping on glass.

He frowns. The only glass is the windows. And on the floor they're on, there shouldn't be a person able to tap on a window. 

Chuuya glances up briefly before looking back at the paperwork in front of him. He then promptly does a double take- looking back up and behind Dazai.

From where he's lying, Dazai can't exactly tell what Chuuya is staring at so dumbfoundedly. Of course, this means he has to put in a ridiculous amount of effort and sit up. 

Dazai shoves himself up to a sitting position, turning to the window.

What he finds is an owl staring back at him, flying in the air, quite aggressively tapping on the glass of the window. A wax-sealed letter is clutched within its beak. For a moment, He doesn't do anything. 

The bird only seems to get more agitated the longer Dazai does nothing but stare at it, beginning to tap on the glass again. 

It's not as if he can let it in. The windows don't open. 

"Why the hell did it fly this high with a letter?" Chuuya has now moved to stand behind Dazai, next to the couch. His eyebrows are furrowed in confusion, his gaze on the owl. 

Dazai doesn't bother responding, much too busy trying to make out the logo pressed into the wax holding the letter's envelope closed.

____________________

The owl gave up after an hour of tapping on the glass, much to Chuuya's annoyance. By the time it stopped, he was driven half insane by the noise. 

Dazai, on the other hand, remained quite unbothered by the near-constant noise. Watching Chuuya quietly seethe was well worth the minor annoyance. 

Of course, the strange owl leaves Dazai's thoughts for the rest of the day. Or at the very least, he pushed it to the back of his mind for the time being. There are more pressing things to think about than weird delivery owls. 

That is, until now. 

Dazai is currently having his head... assaulted by the owl. Simply put; he cannot see a damn thing. His hair is in his face, and he's vaguely aware of the fact the bandages over his eye have come loose. Feathers are flying everywhere, and the animal won't quit attacking his head. To make it worse, Chuuya won't help at all. 

He swings his arms around for what feels like the fifteenth time, aiming for the sound of beating wings.

He misses.

A beak tugs at his hair. 

Chuuya laughs. 

It goes on like this for a while- until Dazai is sure more than a few pieces of his hair are gone. As soon as Dazai stops struggling, the owl backs off, only to drop a letter in front of him before flying away. He almost wishes it had stayed a second longer so he could finally land a hit on it.

Chuuya watches the bird fly off as Dazai attempts to smooth out his hair. He only manages to get it to a... somewhat acceptable state, depending on who you ask. 

He grumbles under his breath, bending down to snatch the letter the owl dropped. 

There's no address on the back, nor is there a return address. Not even a stamp in the corner. Just a few words written in a neat scrawl; 'Mr. O. Dazai'. 

For a moment, he wonders if Chuuya is playing some sort of prank on him. They had recently been in a prank war, which ended when Dazai woke up in his shipping container in the middle of a lake.

The idea is quickly dismissed, considering Dazai is 90% sure Chuuya can't train attack owls. 

Nonetheless, the little information on the letter paired with the owl is strange. After all, you can't send a letter without an address. And yet somehow someone has managed to send him an address-less letter. 

As if it couldn't get any stranger, when he flipped it over, there was the same wax seal as before. A given, he supposes, considering it was the same owl who attempted to deliver it earlier. 

Mr. Osamu Dazai,  

As headmaster of Hogwarts, I would like to formally invite you to join our fifth-

Dazai stops reading the letter and hands it to Chuuya. In all honesty, it reads as a terrible trap for idiots. It's almost an insult to think anyone would even begin to consider he'd fall for something so stupid.  

Chuuya didn't say anything as he read it, quietly taking in the words on the paper. Personally, Dazai doesn't believe a single word of it. He can't imagine Chuuya will either. 

When Chuuya finishes reading the letter, he crumples it up. Dazai doesn't have a single protest to that- he would've disposed of it if Chuuya hadn't. 

He watches Chuuya throw the letter into a nearby trash bin and shove his hands into his pockets. He walks ahead, expecting that Dazai will probably follow. 

"C'mon. I think I have a can of crab for you at home."

______

Several days passed by the time the second letter arrived.

The two wrapped up a task given by Mori early, and so they decided to go by the arcade, seeing as they had a lot of free time to kill. 

The two decided on playing pac-man paired with a bet. Whoever got the lower score was to do whatever the one with the higher score wanted for a day. 

Dazai finds he is not keen on essentially being Chuuya's dog for a day. Chuuya is his dog- not the other way around. 

In the middle of Dazai's turn, there was the sound of tapping on glass. He's aware of the sound, of course. He simply doesn't care about the source. 

Pac-man takes priority right now, considering he isn't far behind Chuuya's score. 

 Chuuya spares the noise a quick passing glance, his gaze landing onto the owl perched on the windowsill. The very same one that had previously attacked Dazai. A letter was once again clutched in its beak; its beady eyes practically staring into Chuuya's soul.

He promptly yanks on Dazai's shirt to get his attention, to which Dazai loses his balance, and promptly goes flying to the ground. Chuuya ignores the various complaints coming from the floor in favor of yanking Dazai back up onto his feet. 

"Why is Chuuya man-handling me?" Dazai whines,  Chuuya glares and points to the owl outside the window. 

Dazai shuts his mouth. 

The two stare at the owl, both wondering how the hell it found them again. 

Dazai reaches around Chuuya and yanks the window open. He snatches the letter from the owl, then slams the window shut. The owl lingers for a few seconds before leaving the windowsill. 

He barely even looks at the letter before tossing it in the trash. He doesn't have to to know it's the same as the last two times the owl came. 

"I get another try," he looks back to pac-man, the words 'game over' on the screen. "The owl ruined mine." 

________

The letters didn't stop after the day at the arcade. 

There was the day Dazai stayed at Chuuya's apartment instead of his shipping container. Nothing seemed to be wrong. Not until Dazai opened the door of the guest room to a sea of letters in the hall, going all the way to the front door. Every one of them were identical to the last three. 

Chuuya tossed them all into trash bags, dumping them in the dumpsters behind his apartment building. 

This process repeated three more times in the same week. 

By the time the next wave of letters came, they'd resorted to a bonfire, with the letters acting as fuel. 

Which brings them to now; standing at the entrance of Dazai's shipping container. The formerly somewhat empty metal box was now filled to the brim with the letters. Stuffed into it, more like. Not even a sliver of space was left to see inside, let alone go in. 

This time, instead of swearing or grumbling from Chuuya, it's silent. They stand side by side, dumbfounded by the sheer amount of letters.

"What the fuck." Chuuya says after a while, staring at the letters as if he were hallucinating. Probably hoping that there weren't hundreds- probably even thousands- of letters filling his partner's residence. Dazai held that same disbelief.

They'd originally come to get spare bandages Dazai had left behind. Neither expected the dreadful letters to be there. Certainly not in such an amount. 

Sure, they've been disposing of lots of them, but they've never appeared in this amount. 

Chuuya, for one, is done with the letters. After having a sea of them in his apartment and quite literally coming out of his sink faucets a few days ago, he'd come to the conclusion someone was messing with them. And he'd be damned if the next place filled to the brim with letters was his apartment. "Open one," he demands, turning to Dazai.

Dazai scowls. "I would rather not read the mind-numbing stupidity they contain."

Chuuya glares at him, crossing his arms. "Do you want to sleep on them when we get back to my apartment?"

Dazai pauses, the image of a mattress, pillow, and blanket made of the letters appearing in his mind.

How comfortable is paper...?

He considers sleeping on them for a moment, before quickly deciding he would rather sleep in the bed. Surely paper is much too thin to make a proper bed out of. 

With a sigh and a bitter frown, he plucks a letter from the shipping container and rips it open. 

Dear Dazai Osamu,

As headmaster of Hogwarts, I would like to formally invite you to join us in our fifth-year class.

Attached is a list of supplies you will need to purchase in Diagon Alley and an address and time for your chaperone to meet with you before school starts.

Further explanation will be provided upon your arrival at both the meeting spot and Hogwarts.

Additionally, the letters will stop coming as soon as you comply with the instructions in and attached to this letter.

Sincerely,

Headmaster Dumbledore. 

It's now that realizes he's landed himself in a situation with only two solutions. Follow the instructions provided, or somehow make a bed out of letters.

He will not be sleeping on letter bedding tonight.