But I promise you this, I'll always look out for you
"I feel cray in ways I never say
Will you still love me if it turns out I'm insane?"
I know what you'll say
But it helps to hear you say it anyway"
- We're In Love, Boygenius
Remus is eating his cereal with his mom at the kitchen table.
“Are you going to James’ today?” She asks.
“I don’t have to work today so, yeah probably.”
“Oh yes! I forgot to ask, how was work last week? Any annoying teens? Rude adults?”
“Just Mary and Sirius showing up, it was really nice actually.” Though Remus’ face tells something else.
His mom studies Remus’ face. “What happened?” She asks.
It’s a curse sometimes that his mom knows him that well. “Just… I don’t know. Sirius acted so weird that day. He asked to see my piercing, you know that one with Marlene?” His mom, Hope, nods. “So of course I showed him. And then he just stared, and got red, and then dropped his ice cream on the ground and fucking ran . Who runs from a piercing?!”
Hope smiles, “Someone who is attracted to the person having a sexy piercing?”
Remus softly kicks her under the table, “He isn’t attracted to me mom! We are just friends!”
“ Just friends? Friends that flirt with each other?”
“It’s just this sort of game that we do, it isn’t something special. And, he started it so,” Remus shrugs his shoulders and finishes his breakfast.
“If you say so,” Hope says, not at all convinced.
When Remus puts the bowl of cereal in the dishwasher, his phone pings.
Marauders:
Jamesyy: < Does anyone wanna go to the beach?
Moonyyy: < Sure
Petey boy: < Yess!
Remus keeps looking at his phone, Sirius has just read the message. It’s been going like this for the past week. Mary has texted him to do something together to get whatever is on his mind out, and Sirius just said, ‘not in the mood’. Peter asked Sirius to go picnicking, and Sirius said exactly the same thing he told Mary.
Remus asked him what was wrong, if something happened, if he wants to talk. Sirius didn’t even respond to that. He just left him on delivered. The only person Sirius responded to was James. James didn’t tell anyone what Sirius told him, because he didn’t want to break Sirius’ trust, but also because there is almost nothing to tell. James asked if something happened and if he was in danger (danger? In his own home?), and Sirius only said, “I’m fine. Don’t worry I’m safe.”
So you can imagine that Remus’ eyebrows shoot to his hairline when seeing that Sirius responded to the message in the groupchat suddenly.
notsoSirius: < Yeahh! Where tho?
Everyone is typing immediately and Remus almost drops the mug he was drinking out on the ground.
Petey boy: < He’s alive guys!!
Jamesyy: < Oh my god never disappear like that again I thought you died or something
Moonyy: < I thought you got fucking foodpoisoning from the ice cream I gave you, you
prick.
notsoSirius: < You all care for me 🤭🤭
< But in all siriusness I literally told James that I’m fine
< I’m alive. I’m not some zombie that came back from the dead bc I didn’t die
you stupid fucks. I just got something on my mind but it’s okay I got past it
< Soooooo where is that beach, Jamieee?? <3
James tells Sirius to just come to his house because he can’t really explain where his secret beach is. It’s behind his house, and it took Remus 3 full weeks to get there without getting lost.
Remus walks up to his room and gets ready for the day, though his mind is somewhere else. ‘I just got something on my mind’ , Sirius said. What is that thing that he got on his mind? Remus maybe could have helped. He knows he isn’t the king of dealing with emotions, but still. He could have distracted Sirius, could have listened to him. He would have tried. But also, what if Remus caused all of this. Sirius did disappear while talking to him. Did he say something wrong? Something to hurt his feelings?
His phone lights up.
Fy seren: < I can practically hear you thinking it was your fault.
< It wasn’t your fault Moony, something just happened and I got overwhelmed.
Moonyyy: < You sure? Because you responded to all of our friends, but you didn’t even
open my messages.
Fy seren: < Okay yeah figure that out yourself. Goodluck babe!!
Moonyyy: < First of all, fuck you. Second, since when are we using pet names?
Fy seren: < ARE YOU SAYING YOU DON'T KNOW WHO CHAPPELL ROAN IS?????
< I’m sorry Remus, we can’t be friends anymore. 😔
Moonyyy: < Ohhhh! Is she that artist Mary can’t shut up abt?
Fy seren: < Yess, and now Mary has infected me too. So, listen with me to her on the beach?
Moonyyy: < Alright. See you there then.
Fy seren: < Byeee!!
Remus says goodbye to his mom and starts walking to that beach James meant. Luckly his house is very close to James’, so the walk isn’t that long.
When he arrives Peter, James and Sirius are already there standing with their toes in the sand and with bags in their hands. Though Remus’ eyes only capture Sirius.
His hair is cut in a sort of wolfcut, showing his beautiful natural curls. He is wearing a jeans jort and a red crop top. His nails are painted black, and his eyes are shining brightly. The glitter on his eyelids is showing gorgeously in the sun, and the eyeliner around his eyes makes them pop out perfectly. His lips look soft and slightly dark red, it makes them look like they were just kissed.
Sirius Black looks like a fucking god.
Sirius looks at Remus and gives him that beautiful smile again, “Hey Moony!”
Remus blinks and acts normal again. Sirius might be beautiful, but that doesn’t mean anything. Remus was just admiring his looks, nothing more.
“Hey, what’s all this?” Remus gestures to the bags sitting on the sand.
James explains, “I brought a ball, and then Peter wanted to take the tennis rackets. Then Sirius thought of the surf boards. And my mom gave us food and drinks and so we couldn’t carry it all.”
Remus is immediately relieved, he was dying of thirst. He knows the walk from his house to the beach isn’t far at all, but it’s fucking hot. Remus walks over to the bags and grabs a bottle of water. As he chugs it down he thinks back to the late night conversation him and Sirius had a week ago.
Fy seren: < Moony
< Hey
< Remus
< Lupin
< Pretty boyyy
< Love
< Babe
< Honeyy
< What if I got kidnapped and the only way I could survive was you answering my
texts??
Moonyyy: < Don’t be so dramatic Sirius
Fy seren: < And now you respond huh? 🤨
Moonyyy: < Are you okay? Why did you spam text me?
Fy seren: < …I was bored.
Moonyyy: < You were bored. Why the fuck did you think of texting me then??
Fy seren: < You are entertaining, so I thought it would be fun to talk to you.
Moonyyy: < I’m taking that as a compliment
< Anyways
< What did you do today that made you that bored to spam text someone you know
for like a week?
Fy seren: < Nothing
< I did fucking nothing today, the only thing I did was watch the fucking mosquito
(jerry is his name btw, their pronouns are: he/they xx) fly around in my room
< At one point I started to think that jumping out of my fucking bedroom window would
make my life more entertaining than bed rotting.
Moonyyy: < Did you just stay in your bed the whole day?
Fy seren: < Yes…
< bedrotting is my fav hobby Remus, you should know that by now
Moonyyy: < Did you eat anything? Drink something?
Fy seren: < Aww, you care for me!!
Moonyyy: < No
< But don’t avoid the question.
Fy seren: < You are no fun Remus Lupin 🙄
< But no, my parents were downstairs the whole day
Moonyyy: < What the fuck does that have to do with anything?? Sirius, eating and drinking is
important
Fy seren: < I’m not hungry or thirsty, it’s okay
Moonyyy: < There is no way you aren’t passing out from hunger or thirst. Just go downstairs
and ask your parents to make you something and drink water, Sirius
Fy seren: < Okay so when I said ‘my parents are downstairs’ I meant that I can’t eat because
it’s almost photo shoot day and they watch to see I’m not cheating on their diet.
Moonyyy: < Send me your address.
Fy seren: < What? Why?
Moonyyy: < So that I can bring you food and water of course
Fy seren: < No Remus don’t, I’m fine. My parents will notice and fucking kill me if I gain
weight before the campaign photoshoot.
Moonyyy: < Your parents can’t kill you if I kill them first.
< I still need your address Sirius I’m not kidding. I’m not leaving you alone until you
send it to me. I’m not gonna let you dry out and starve for a stupid photoshoot.
Fy seren: < I’m fine, I’m not dying or something. This is routine by now. The week of the
shoot is coming, I eat less to get good photos, it’s really not a big deal.
Moonyyy: < Still waiting on your address.
Fy seren: < God you’re annoying
< …Gran Vía number 56.
Moonyyy: < I’m coming
Fy seren: < You really shouldn’t Moony, I’m alright
Moonyyy: < Shut it.
< Keep your window open, I’ll climb through it. Hope you like leftover pizza!
James and Peter are playing tennis on the beach with their feet in the water. Sirius sits next to Remus. Remus grabs some cookies that Effie made for them and a water bottle out of the bag, “Here.”
Sirius looks at the water and food like it’s a bomb waiting to go off. “I already ate.”
“Don’t lie to me, Sirius. Just take it.”
Sirius looks at the sand and picks at the skin of his fingernails. “You think I’m crazy, right?”
Remus immediately goes into panic mode. He isn’t good at comforting people, that’s James’ job. He knows Sirius isn’t crazy. He wants to tell Sirius that, but he knows that he’ll fuck up the moment he opens his mouth.
“No, I don’t think you’re crazy at all!” Remus responds fast.
Sirius laughs, but it’s a sad one. "Yeah, you do. You think it’s crazy not wanting to eat even when you can.”
Remus sees Sirius picking at his fingers, so he grabs his hands. He holds Sirius’ hands tightly in his own, and he takes a deep breath.
“I don’t think you’re crazy. Or insane. Or weird. I think you have a problem, caused by trauma.”
Sirius looks up. “No, I don’t have trauma, you don’t understand-”
“I understand, believe me.” Remus takes another deep breath. “Remember that I told you about that survival camp my father sent me to on game night?” Sirius nods.
“I told you about Greyback. He was my teacher there. I was a troublemaker, and he was my dorm’s only teacher, so as punishment he did what he wanted, because no one could tell him something that he did was wrong. He had all the power over me, and I pushed his boundaries time by time. It started with him just locking me in a room for a few hours. It escalated to much more hours in that dark room, so much that I missed dinner, or lunch or breakfast. After a while I stopped making trouble, but he loved punishments. He knew I wasn’t gonna report it to the headmaster, because he knew the headmaster would never believe me. I stopped being rebellious, but he didn’t stop the punishments. He started beating me for just looking at him. At some point he locked me into that room again almost 4 times a week. I barely got anything to eat or drink. He kept telling me that it was my fault, because I kept seeking out punishments. I didn’t want to believe it, but when you hear it all the time, you start to. I thought that pain and starvation was my punishment for being who I am. One time he forgot he locked me in the room and left me there for almost 4 whole days. Another teacher found me unconscious and I was sent to the hospital. That’s how I got out of that hell camp. Even years after this all happened I still struggled with food and staying hydrated. It feels like I don’t deserve it. Everytime I did something wrong his voice would come up in my head telling me I didn’t deserve to eat or drink. I got past it, though sometimes it’s still hard. But he doesn’t control me anymore, not really.” Remus now squeezes Sirius’ hand. “You can also get out of your parents' control. You deserve to have those rights.”
Sirius looks away. “I- My problem isn’t my body, just so you know. That’s my parents' problem. I don’t really care about my body. It’s that- I can’t really explain because it sounds stupid.”
“Telling your falling out the window story sounds stupid,” Sirius chuckles at that, “But you telling your story can’t sound stupid.”
Sirius holds on to Remus’ hands very hard. “My parents tell me things, the same as Greyback told you. Except, they use their hands a lot too. I actually love modeling, it makes me feel seen. I don’t care about how my body looks on camera, because I know it doesn’t look bad. I know I don’t look bad. But sometimes I feel like I’m ugly on the inside, not on the outside. They say things and do things to me, and I feel so bad about myself that I can’t get a single bite through my throat without wanting to puke. I know sometimes they are wrong about what they yell at me, but they are right sometimes too. And then that hatred fills me up, and then I don’t drink. Or eat. Because someone like me shouldn’t deserve too.”
Remus wants to set the world on fire. He wants to deep fry Sirius’ parents with his own bare hands. He wants to kill the people who made Sirius, who has only been nice while having many reasons to not be, feel that way about himself. It hurts hearing what Sirius thinks about himself. It also hurts that the feeling is that similar to Remus’ own experience. It hurts that more than one person had to go down that lane.
“Sirius, I want you to listen to me,” Remus says sternly. Sirius looks up at him while blinking fast. “You deserve to eat. You deserve to drink. You deserve to not starve and dehydrate yourself. You are not ugly on the inside or the outside. You are beautiful from all corners. Your parents are obviously way to blind to see that. But that doesn’t mean they can go and stuff you full with guilt that you don’t deserve to have.”
“I know, but they really are right sometimes-”
“No. They are wrong. Name one time they were ‘right’.”
“That time when I escaped the important meeting because I just didn’t feel like being there.”
“You ran away from a situation that made you feel uncomfortable. That doesn’t make you a bad person, Sirius.”
“But I was selfish and didn’t think of the consequences. I just wanted to leave so I left.”
“You weren’t selfish. Nor are you selfish for needing water and food to survive.”
“I disappointed them enough by running away from the Potter meeting. And they made sure that I knew that they didn’t like it.”
“Sirius, if you don’t eat and drink something then you will die before being able to meet up to their impossible expectations.”
“I told you I don’t feel like it.”
This sits on Remus’ mind for a bit. ‘I told you I don’t feel like it.’ , yeah, Remus has said that a million times too. The only way to get him to eat then was his mom having patience with him. And giving him her trust.
“I’ll sit by you then. Until you do feel like it.”
And so Sirius and Remus watch Peter and James play in the sea. They are laughing and splashing water on each other. At one point James tackles Peter and as he goes down in the water, he pulls James with him. Remus smiles at his friends, he is very glad he ended up here.
Sirius asks gently, “Why are you waiting for me?”
“Because you deserve time. And so that you can eat and drink when you feel like it. I’m not gonna push it down your throat, Sirius. I’m not a monster. But you do have to drink and eat something, so I’m giving you time to do it on your own.”
Sirius doesn’t respond to that. They watch the beautiful sea together in silence for 20 minutes. Then, Sirius picks up a cookie.
He smiles at Remus, “I want you to know that you bullied me into this.”
Remus laughs, “I did not do such a thing.”
“You were gonna sit here until the stars were shining if I didn’t eat or drink something.”
“Totally true. But that isn’t bullying, that’s just facts.”
Sirius laughs and shuffles closer to Remus, and puts his head on his shoulder. “Thank you,” he says softly.
“You don’t have to thank me for that. Please tell me next time, okay?”
“I’ll try.”