“Hi, we’re the Marauders and we’re here with Buzzfeed to read our thirst tweets.”
Rubbing her hands together Marlene looked straight at the camera. A little menacingly, maybe, for a buzzfeed interview but then again, she has the lesbian tingle.
James re-adjusts himself on the stool, tailored pants bunching around his thighs, white shirt sticking to his chest. He sweeps a hand through his hair, mussing up the beautiful curls Regulus had done for him this morning.
“Okay, shall we start then maggots?” Sirius is already pulling a slip of paper from the jug. “Oooh, this ones for my sexy hunk over there.”
Remus is already rolling his eyes, and reaching out to fondly tug on Sirius’ long dark hair.
“Oh out with it then, you twat.” James reaches down to do the same thing, albeit less fondly and more in exasperation.
“I would like to rip the sexy grandpa sweaters from @remuslupins chest and lick all over his chest hair like a human lint roller.”
A cackle escapes Marlene, to which follows, a snort from James, a sigh from Remus and an outraged gasp from Sirius.
“The only one who will be licking Moony is me bitches!” Vigorous hand gestures follow, ring clad fingers waving wildly above his head.” “He actually has a very smooth chest though, all his hairs on his head and his legs-mmph.”
“Okay moving on.” A one hand over Sirius’s mouth and another digging in the jug, Remus lets another eye roll free, grinning as his boyfriend struggles. “This ones for Marlene.”
A maniacal cackle escapes the blond, who was previously starting a very intense thumb war with James.
“I wanna see how Cas responds to these lmao” She plucks the piece of paper from Remus’s hands. “My gay awakening was when Marlene McKinnon from The Marauders walked out on stage wearing only black star nipple covers and booty shorts with fishnets. I think I ascended when she licked her bass though. Hit me up, please you absolute diva.”
“Heh, I love that one because I actually wear like, sweatpants and Cas’s volleyball shirts when I’m at home.” She scratches her nose ring and grins. “That just gave me a massive ego boost actually.”
“MY TURN!” James reaches over Sirius’s shoulder, gently smashing his elbow into his face as he does. “Yay, it's for me. I am quite scared though because my husband can and will find you, if these are downright diabolical.”
Unfolding the paper he reads; “Religion: James Potter’s thighs in the ‘I WANNA BE YOUR SLAVE’ music video, where he wears black lingerie.” Shaking his head, James chuckles, before letting out a long breath. Just as he opens his mouth Remus jumps in.
“You know, James actually popped the bra thing he was wearing that day, and then garter type things.” James is frantically shushing, trying and failing to hold in a grin. “He sat down, and all we heard was ‘SNAP!’ and looking over you just see James with a like, shellshocked expression and several pieces of lace in his hands. It was the funniest shit man, I actually have a photo.”
“NEXT ONE, NEXT ONE!” James yells, smushing Remus’s face with his hands before he takes out his phone. He snatches a piece of paper, scans it and then proceeds to almost clap Remus around the head while handing it to Sirius.
Giggling, Sirius takes the slip and clears his throat, dramatically, obviously. Then with a surprisingly southern accent; “Let me comb your pubes Sirius Black, I swear to God, they're probably just as smooth and silky as your luscious long hair. I’ll braid it and everything. If you want a bow king, I can do a bow.” The last part of the sentence is barely legible amidst shouts of laughter and wheezing from Remus.
Just as they calm down, Sirius turns and says;
“Have you guys heard that audio on tiktok, and it's like, the yes king one?” He’s beginning to giggle again. “That's what this is reminding me of. The audio where he says something like ‘Are you boutta cum?’ And the other guy is like, shaking, his voice, I mean, and he’s like ‘YES KING’ and then the original dude asks him something else and he just says ‘YES KING’ again.”
James is on the floor at this point, having slipped off his stool when he and Marlene started smacking each other, somewhere in the middle of Sirius’s ‘Yes King speech’.
“Imma read one for someone now.” Marlene is reaching her hand into the jug. “Okay this one is actually about both Regulus, who is married to our lovely Jamsie here and James himself.”
“I got scared there. I thought you were gonna say Regulus and Sirius, for some reason.”
“OH MY GOD. NO, WHAT THE FUCK.” Sirius has his hands over his eyes, letting out a long scream, he hits Remus on his shoulder repeatedly. “STOP WITH THE FECKING INCEST JOKES, SWEET JESUS.”
Through tears of laughter Remus manages to get out; “Aren't you and him- Aren’t you and him, like third, third cousins?” Gasping, he rights himself from where he was hunched over his knees, holding his stomach. “Talk about a family wreath.”
“GUYS, CAN I READ THE DAMN THING NOW OR WHAT.”
“Sorry cherry, carry on.”
“OKAY SO, as I was saying. From someone whose username is ‘jfp’s_longblondbutthair’, that's an interesting one, “James and Regulus Potter-Black, raw, both oiled up. Please and thank you.”
“Well, okay then.” James blinks, covering his face. “Christ on a motorbike. You are all heathens, unfortunately though, my husband does not share. So, well.”
Sirius who had just had his hands over his ears and was humming was now elbow deep in the jar.
“@thedogstar never, ever change. be who you are. pls start an OF.” Sirius cackles. “I have another reference-”
Suddenly James cuts him off; “That one scene from Euphoria, where the dude has the bandage around his head and the woman goes; “Put your penis away.” and then he goes “no.” and then she asks again and he goes, “I am who I am .”
There is suddenly no sound in the room, except for the occasional gasping breath and the weird clicking sound silent laughs make.
A cut and then.
“Thank you for having us buzzfeed, we are the Marauders, goodbye!”