James was sitting on his bed, anxiously tapping his wand on his knee while watching the Marauders Map carefully for Regulus’ name to show up at the astronomy tower. Regulus had asked James to meet him there the night before after dark; he didn’t elaborate either, which made James feel so much more anxious. Things had been so good the whole year; ever since they came back from the summer holiday, there was something that made them click together even more. They spent almost every night together in the astronomy tower or in the greenhouses. Rarely, they were in each other's dormitories if there was no one else there. They didn’t want to tell anyone, especially not Sirius. That was a whole monster that neither of them wanted to face. So it stayed their little secret, it was such a wonderful secret to have.
Finally, James caught Regulus at the astronomy tower. He quickly grabbed his invisibility cloak and quickly made his way out of the Gryffindor common room, swiftly skipping up the stairs to the tower. His heart was buzzing, and his stomach was fluttering; every night was the same feeling, and James wouldn’t change it for the world. He had made his way through the trap door and saw Regulus sitting with his legs hanging over the edge of the half-wall.
“Hey, Reggie,” James smiled as he took off the cloak, setting it aside. He sat next to Regulus and pulled him in for a quick kiss. James felt something wet against his face and sat back. Regulus’ face was streaked with silent tears as he looked back out over the Forbidden Forest.
“Hi, Jamie,” Regulus croaked, wiping quickly at his face.
“Hey, hey. What’s up, Reg?” James tried to put his arm around the other boy’s shoulders, but Regulus quickly scooted away. “Are you okay?” He didn’t respond for so long, he just kept looking out at the darkness of the ground with tears streaming down his face. James wanted to hold his hand but thought against it, considering Regulus had moved further when James tried to wrap him in his arms.
“I can’t do this anymore,” Regulus finally said in a broken voice. James shook his head, and he didn’t know what ‘this’ was.
“What do you mean, Reggie?” James asked, forcing a smile on his face to try and ease the tension.
“I…” he let out a long sigh. “I can’t do this anymore, Potter.” That name felt like James had been pushed into the Black Lake. He was always Jamie to Regulus, at least once they had gotten closer.
“What?” James said, still trying to hold the smile on his face but it was quickly falling. Regulus stood up and faced away from James, his shoulders squared and his face cold.
“I don’t want to be with you,” Regulus said coolly. As if something had shifted inside him, he turned off every feeling he could in that moment. James' eyes pricked with tears.
“You’re lying,” James said, grabbing Regulus’ wrist before he quickly pulled away.
“I do not want to be with you, Potter,” Regulus said in a voice like venom. It felt like something cracked inside of James, he didn’t feel real. Quickly, he got to his feet to make Regulus look him in the eyes. He had to be lying.
“Reggie, please, don’t do this,” James pleaded. “You don’t mean it, starling.” Regulus took in a sharp breath at the nickname. It was a stupid name that James said one night when he was deep in a bottle of fire whiskey, mixing up darling and star. It became Regulus’ favorite word immediately.
“I do. I do mean it. I don’t want to be with you,” Regulus replied. He tried so hard to make the tears not roll down his face, but there was no way to stop it. James, as if by nature, carefully wiped them away with his sleeve. He didn’t know what to say. He knew Regulus was just saying this to protect James from whatever darkness was going to come after school ended. But school wasn’t over yet, and the darkness was still at bay.
“Reggie, please,” James whispered. “You’re just saying this, you don’t mean it,” James said hopefully as more tears streamed down his face.
“No, I mean it. I don’t want to be with you. I never wanted to be with you in the first place,” Regulus said harshly, his words landing like glass shards on James’ heart. “I felt bad because you were so hopeless and pathetic.”
“Reg…I don’t-” James couldn’t do this. Tears fell down his face quickly, a sob pulling at his chest. “You can’t leave, Reggie. You don’t have to do this,” James tried to take Regulus’ hand again but he quickly pulled away, stuffing his hands in his coat pockets.
“I want to do this. I don’t want you, Potter,” Regulus spat. He took two steps towards the trap door before James grabbed his shoulder and stopped him quickly.
“Y-you…have to say it,” James sobbed. “Because I know you love me, Reg. I know it.”
“I don’t love you, James Potter,” Regulus said firmly. “I have never loved you, and I will never love you.” James sputtered; Regulus’ face didn’t even flinch when he said it; not a single emotion showed itself in his beautiful gray eyes.
“You’re…you’re lying, Reggie,” James said.
“You don’t know anything, Potter,” Regulus said before he quickly made his way to the trap door and left a cold gust of air in his place. James stood in shock as heavy sobs wracked his chest, he fell to his knees onto the hard stone. This had to be some bad dream; he was going to wake up any moment, and Regulus would be within reach. But he didn’t, it was a harsh reality that broke James’ heart in a way it had never been before.
James stayed on the tower until the sun started to come up. He had sat there the whole night, slightly hoping that Regulus would come running back and apologize and tell James how much he loved him. Nothing happened. James felt raw, his face burned, his throat hurt so bad, and he felt sick to his stomach. The castle would soon be waking up, and there would be an astronomy class on the tower within an hour. James grabbed his cloak and slowly made his way back to his dormitory. He didn’t feel real, he felt as if he was walking through a thick fog without his glasses on. Thankfully, both Sirius and Peter had early morning classes today, so the room would be quiet. No one would ask James where he had been or why he looked so terrible. He went through the door, tossing his shoes and cloak to the floor before laying down in his bed, curling in on himself. He pulled the hood of his jumper over his head to try and block out the world a little more, but fuck. It was Regulus’ jumper. He had given it to James back in October when he spent Halloween night in his room after a very lively party in the Gryffindor common room. He let the tears stream quietly down his face, unmoving and unfeeling.
The water faucet of the bathroom squeaked off, making James jump a little in the bed. He didn’t know anyone in the dormitory still Sirius and Peter had class, and he just assumed that Remus went to the library to complete some coursework like he usually did. James grabbed the invisibility cloak off the floor and covered himself on the bed, hoping Remus wouldn’t notice the James-sized dent in the mattress. It was a foolish idea but it was the best one he had at the moment.
Remus came out of the bathroom, tossing his pajamas to his trunk as he dried his hair off. He made his way back to the bathroom to hang his towel, but not without noticing the caved-in section of James’ bed.
“Hey, Prongs,” Remus smiled at the invisible mass. There was no response, but there was also no snoring, so Remus knew James was awake. “You alright, mate?” he asked in a concerned tone. Remus sat on the edge of the bed next to the dent in the bed. He heard a small sniffle next to him.
“Hi, Moony,” James mumbled. He took off the invisibility cloak and tossed it back on the floor. Remus saw James' red and puffy face accompanied by exhausted-looking eyes.
“What’s up, Jamie?” Remus laid down to meet James’ eyes.
“I can’t tell you,” James said in a shameful voice. “No one is supposed to know.”
“I won’t tell anyone, I promise,” Remus replied. “You know how good I am at keeping secrets.” James nodded slowly but still didn’t say anything. He didn’t want to betray Regulus’ trust, but also…Regulus had ruined him last night, and if James could talk to anyone, it could be Remus.
“Promise?’ James croaked. Remus crossed his heart and nodded with a worried look in his eyes. “He said he doesn’t…Regulus doesn’t love me.” Tears started to roll quickly down his face again.
“Oh, Jamie,” Remus reached over and pulled him into a hug. “Talk to me, what happened?”
“We were doing so well, too. He and I were together since September…and it was so good,” James’ words caught in his throat, but he kept going. “And last night he just…stopped loving me.”
Remus didn’t know what to say to any of this information, but he just hugged his friend tightly as James cried harder than he had ever seen before.
“It’s okay, Jamie,” Remus whispered, rubbing his hand up and down James’ back. “It’s going to be okay, I promise.” But he really didn’t know that. He didn’t know just how much James was hurting. He just held his friend, hoping that would bring some ease to his pain.
“I loved him so much,” James said into Remus’ shoulder as he held on tightly. “Maybe I loved him too much? I don’t know what I did wrong.”
James was always known for being a ‘big personality’ ever since he was a little kid. He felt every emotion bigger than most people; he hated big, and he loved big. Was he too much for Regulus? He tried so hard to tone down his ‘big personality’ to make sure that Regulus didn’t feel uncomfortable. He was too much, James was sure of it. In the first year, even Remus was apprehensive of how loud and out there James was. But now they were closer than they ever have been and it was because James helped Remus get a little louder.
“Oh, Jamie. You haven’t done anything wrong,” Remus said calmly. James let go of Remus and sat back.
“How do you know that, Moony?” James sniffed and wiped his eyes.
“Because I know you, James Potter. I know you are a fierce friend and would do anything for the people you love. James, you became a fucking animagus for me when you were twelve!” Remus said with a smile. “You are one of the kindest people I know. And unless you have some super-secret identity that’s evil, I don’t believe that you have a bad bone in your body.” That got James to smile a little in the moment. Remus got up from the bed and rummaged behind the headboard of his own bed until he brought out a paper bag full of assorted chocolates. He emptied the whole bag on James’ bed with a small smile on his face.
“Eat, you’ll feel better,” Remus said as he shoved a chocolate bar into James’ hands.
“Remus, no way,” James said with a shocked look on his face.
“Yes. It’s yours, you need it more than me,” Remus responded. “I’ll tell the lads you don’t feel well, you can stay here all day if you want and I’ll take notes for you in lessons.”
“You don’t have to, Moony. I’ll be fine,” James said, an outright lie.
“Yeah, okay. And I’m not a werewolf. Are we just lying now?” Remus joked back. “You are staying here, or wherever you want to go, but for fuck sake please take care of yourself.” Remus went to gather his things from his side of the room to go study in the library and let James have some space and a quiet room. As he was headed to leave the room, James grabbed his wrist.
“Thank you, Moony,” James said quietly.
“Of course, Jamie,” Remus responded. “I love you, mate. You know that, right?”
“I love you too, Moony,” James said back. “Can you…not tell Sirius about any of this, or anyone? But specifically Sirius,” James asked.
“Don’t worry, I won’t say anything unless you want me to,” Remus replied. “I’ll see you later, alright?” James nodded and Remus headed out the door and towards the library.
James pulled the curtains closed around his bed and laid back down. He was desperately in need of some sleep. James put all the donated chocolate back in the bag and set it on his bedside table before curling under the duvet and letting sleep take him to somewhere that wasn’t that hurtful place he was in right now.
END