December, term time
December 6th
Dear Sirius,
I get it. I know you don't want to read any of my letters but that doesn't mean i don't want to write them. You are now my personal diary and as such it's only right i should tell you what happened on Thursday.
You know James, I know James, the whole bloody school knows James. It is a truth universally acknowledged that the man could flirt with a blank sheet of paper, but somehow it didn't occur to me that he could flirt with a Slytherin.
He invited me to meet him after Quidditch practice and I saw you when you did your doggish head tilt when he wasn't behind you as you walked back to school. He was waiting back in the changing rooms until the coast was clear to come to me. And he came bearing gifts, well i mean gifts is a strong word, but he brought mint chocolates and you know how I love mint chocolates. He slid a dozen of the little wrapped sweets into the pocket of my robes like a secret.
"For teaching me." he explained, smirking as always.
"But I haven't taught you yet, aren't rewards meant to be given after?"
He laughed and the clouds cleared (unrelated events).
"It's not a reward, just a thank you."
I was confused, brother did you know that people give gifts just to say thank you? I suppose Barty and Evan give each other small things, usually roses or badges, but they aren't the norm. They're practically married! You and I gave one another gifts too when we were younger, but they were never for thanks or 'just because', they were on set occasions. The way gifts are supposed to be or so i thought. So i said to him,
"Why?"
and he laughed again because apparently, he had had this exact same conversation with you.
He took me into the Gryffindor Quidditch changing room (which by the way smells atrocious, you boys need to invest in a better cologne) and pulled out a chalkboard labeled "match day!" I snickered at him as he hurried to hide what had been written about Snape in the corner.
"Oh, don't worry, we don't like him either."
He scrunched his nose "Then why do you guys always go mental when we prank him?"
Those Gryffindors, they know nothing of us do they?
"We don't like him, but we are like him." I told him "We are family in our dorm."
"Really? Not a single exception?"
"Do you know what they call a group of tangled snakes Potter?"
"A knot." He answered surprisingly quickly, it's an odd fact to so easily recall.
"Exactly. Now what good would it do if we let you untangle part of that knot?"
He smiled. Wide and toothy. I felt like I had done something right. It lasted a while, his smile and admittedly my light pink flush, but it was over before I could really breathe. He did a curt mock bow and gestured for me to begin teaching his a little about Astrology as he sat and nibbled on chocolate. I taught him the brief basics, threw in some of the family stars and their meanings to mix it up. He laughed like a madman at Sirius the dog star by the way, a crazy laugh that lacked the almost endearing warmth of the earlier one and yet, I think I preferred this one. It felt true. I asked him what was so funny but he fell off his chair in a giggle-fit so I decided to end the lesson there. He seemed worried by that and it occurred to be that on top of not understanding Black family loyalty, he was also unfamiliar with our emotional reservation with those we don't consider inner circle. Of course he knows you but you're Sirius, you never held back, you never played chess with mothers emotions and took her pawn with a calculated fake smirk. He jumped up and grabbed my wrist, which shook me as I raised my free arm to cover my face fearing punishment, but he just let go. Just let me go.
I'll admit this here to you because i know you won't read it but my god, I think I let slip a few tears, and I think that was why he tried to move his hand to my face, which is why I slapped his cheek. I don't know if he would have told you about that, I hope not, but that is how it ended, with me wet-faced and his cheek stinging from my palm. That was the last frame when i ran out.
I returned to my dorm in the late evening almost blackness that comes with Scottish winter, and didn't get a wink of sleep, for an odd fear was making me stare up at the ceiling, the feeling of loss. I felt as though I had lost James. But then... at 5 in the morning, he wrote to me.
Affectionately,
Reggie.
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December 3rd
Dear Reg,
I'm sorry.
-James
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Dear James,
Don't be. I apologise for what I did. I should never have slapped you, I just have an aversion to touch that you unknowingly set off in me, I was unprepared.
-Regulus
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Reg,
That's alright. No touching it is.
I looked up your star in my astronomy book. It means "Lion heart" right? That's so fucking cool! I think it suits you.
So..... next week, same time?
-James
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James,
My mother meant to name me Regulus for its other meaning, "Little king." It was supposed to encourage some sense of rivalry between Sirius and I, he was the heir to the family, and I the 'king' of it. However, I'll admit, I like your meaning just a little bit more.
You have yourself a deal for another meeting under one condition. Bring more chocolates.
-Regulus
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December 9th
Dear Sirius,
I cannot believe I am about to admit this, but I enjoy the company of James Potter. Is he an uncultured flirt? Yes, and yet he is respectful and kind. He listens and doesn't interrupt to say I'm a bastard child. When we met today he looked so excited, as though he hadn't sat across from me in the library yesterday for three hours in silence. Three hours during which, it's worth noting, he did almost no actual reading whatsoever. Unless he was reading my palms. I asked him about my hands again today and his answer surprised me. It was oddly diplomatic for him, almost well-spoken, which I imagine was only to avoid me smacking him again.
"It's the scars on your fingers." He admitted, which I think he thought would offend me in some way because he was far too quick to continue "It's just that they're like little X's- little kisses."
Brother I fear I might have blushed. Those little pink crisscross marks from those feral days as children where we raised each others pain tolerances until only Bella and mother could make us scream, he looked and he saw kisses? I suppose they are almost pretty when you look at them like that. I told him I wasn't hurt by his interpretation, and told him just a little about why they were so different from the large, pale, deep scars that decorate the rest of our bodies. He didn't seem phased by the gore of it all, assumingly because you had confided in him when you were younger, yes?
He asked about my star, and it's constellation. I told him it was part of Leo, hence why I suited it in my mothers eyes, what with being born on the 31st of July. He said he was born on march 27th, an Aries, which I know just means ram but I can't help but think of the Greek god. It doesn't suit him. Aries, god of war, he's not a fighter. Then again, god of courage, that he lives up to. You know I saw him on the Quidditch pitch earlier, before our meeting, confronting some older boys for making fun of Lupin's face, you were busy getting changed I suppose, but he very nearly resorted to the unforgivable curses judging by the look on his face. There's something rather endearing about such a morally correct boy considering throwing away his own rules just for a friend don't you think?
In that spirit I do have news about Evan and Barty -then again who doesn't have news about those two- and their six detention week. A new record. Evan says he saw Barty kissing Dorcas at a party in the Ravenclaw dorm. How those two keep getting invited to these parties I don't know but there is an influx in their regularity at this time of year. Dorcas denies the kiss, as does Barty, and frankly so do I. Dorcas would never aim so low. Evan however, has been in hysterics for three days now. Yesterday he tried to throat punch Nearly headless Nick. He tried to punch a GHOST. This man has consistent straight A's! Barty has been leaving the poor sod a dozen roses on his bed four mornings in a row. It alarms me, they were always chaos but Merlin are they worse when they're separated! I've decided to host an intervention over weekend brunch at Hogsmeade. I will update you on the results.
Affectionately,
Reggie.
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December 12th
Dear Sirius,
The meeting went shockingly to plan, supposedly Evan had bumped into a Ravenclaw boy who looked the double of Barty and realised what he had done. A simple mix-up. Dorcas is mortified but relieved. Although I think the 'boy' might not be a boy now that I consider it. Charlie is a gender neutral name is it not?
Affectionately,
Reggie.
P.S. James Potter appeared to have been out on the town buying Christmas gifts. One was a broom with his some engraving that I couldn't read from a distance. I suspect, it's for you.
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December 16th
Reg,
Can't meet today. What are you doing Tuesday before the train home?
-James
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James,
I could be free, but you'd have to be quick, and it would have to be early.
P.S. Why exactly do we meet up for me to teach you anyway?
-Regulus
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Reg,
I need help with O.W.L's, I'm falling a little behind and you're the smartest person I know.
How's 7am at the lake?
-James
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James,
see you there.
-Reg
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Dear Sirius,
Something is terribly wrong with my brain.
If this were to anyone else, or if I thought for a second you would read this, I don't think I would dare say what I'm about to but... I'm a faggot.
Affectionately,
Reggie.
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December 21st
Dear Sirius,
I can only apologise. Barty had told me that the proper term for homosexual was faggot, however apparently that is not the truth. I must say I didn't expect Dumbledore to be so touchy over gay rights. Gay, by the way, is the correct term. I'm writing this on the train by the way so if my writing is slightly squiggly do forgive me.
I met up with James this morning. It was still dark and the lake was abandoned, he said you always sleep in on the last day. The broom was for you I was right, and there was chocolate for Lupin and both a normal sized jumper and an identical tiny doll sized one for Pettigrew, he said it was an inside joke. He was leaning on an oak tree a few feet from the shallow part of the water, I was skimming stones. He told me he liked spending time with me, that I was a lot more cheery and fun that you had led him to believe. I told him he was a lot less arrogant than I had been told. And then, he pulled out a little box, a sleek one too, not cheap by any means, the type they sell bracelets in. He bought be a gift. Again. What is with him and gifts?? I opened it without objecting, if only because I thought objecting to yet another gift may just make him cry with that stupid puppy dog face of his.
It was a mint green and silver bracelet made of interlocking knotted wrappers. Wrappers of the chocolates he had given me at our meetings. It was fitted perfectly, and the little clasp was enchanted to only open for me. I felt oddly faint at the whole ordeal.
"But I haven't gotten you anything"
He smirked, and suddenly I say the cheeky him that I know you love so much.
"No need, my gift was seeing you."
It dawned on me then. He was flirting with me, heavily, they way he does with girls he wants to date. I stepped back. He didn't know my inclination, he had no way to know that his flirting was real. To him it was just a joke, so I told him. I. Told. Him.
"James I'm a fa- I'm gay."
He threw his head back laughing.
"Yeah I'd fucking hope so!" He exclaimed. No shame.
I looked at him like he was crazy. Why didn't he care? There's something fundamentally wrong with me and he doesn't give a damn?!? I said that last part out loud, and suddenly he was serious, no more laughing.
"Reg, I know how you were brought up, I know how you were treated. I know what they made you think." He sighed. "But there is nothing wrong with being gay, you're gay, you're brother's gay. I'm not straight-"
"You're gay?"
He laughed again, but this was a reserved one.
"No. There's a newfangled muggle term for me, one that's not translated to our world yet. Suffice it to say I don't care who a person is, I like them for being them. Not their parts."
I smiled. "I like that."
He smiled back. "And the bracelet? You like that?"
Now I laughed. "Of course!"
We sat there for a good while in complete and utter silence, just all smiles and skimming stones as the sun rose. the black lake really is gorgeous in the early morning glow, pink and reflective so that the water becomes the sky. I've sat in happy silence before with you, but this is the first time in a long time. It may have been the first time since you left that I've felt so happy. Barty and Evan, Dorcas and Dora, they're the best of people, but they're so loud and I'm so quiet, and for the first time since you, someone understands that. Of course then the sun was fully up, and he had to go.
He stood first, I stood quicker.
"I'll see you after Christmas break." I told him.
He nodded. Silence again and then-
"There's no rush, there's no expectation but... can you not slap me? Just for a second?"
He left me time to object but I was curious. The cat died.
He smiled and then, quick as a flash, a kiss on the cheek, soft and very teen romance novel, but I liked it. Even if it was only for a second. He pulled back red cheeked and half running already.
"I'll write to you!"
And then he was already gone, in the distance, sprinting like an athlete, leaving me blushed and beaming. I'm gay and I don't like it yet, but James? I can like him. And if liking him is all I can like about being gay for now then good. That's worth it I think. But he can't write to me, my family can't find out. Not now, with all the politics and the meetings going on where I am. So I'll have to hatch a plan. What do you think?
Affectionately (and happily?),
Reggie.