Regulus apparates back to the townhouse, breathing deeply as his mind races. He winces as he hears a crack behind him, peeling off his iron mask and dropping it to the floor as he turns around to see a bleeding James Potter in his hallway. Neither speaks as they glance over each other, looking for the inevitable changes in the last three years. Regulus is dismayed to see that the messy hair he had plaited in their secret moments was cropped short, even more concerned to see the blood dripping down his forehead and the slight frown lines. His body seems mainly unchanged, except that any boyishness is gone, muscles trained by Quidditch now carved by war. "You're bleeding", he whispers, voice loud in the silence of arguments left unfinished and cracking under the weight of the reunion. He turns away from James' inscrutable gaze, tugging open drawers as he looks desperately for gauze or wipes, anything that might help.
"Your wand" James croaks, licking his lips nervously as Regulus flushes, flicking his hand quickly as a bandage wraps around James' forehead. He reaches out to check them, but pulls his hand back, letting it hover between them like so many other things. "We should go back," James says, clearing his throat as emotion threatens to overcome him.
"No," Regulus snaps, grabbing James' sleeve as if it could stop him from leaving "You're hurt", he adds as an afterthought, looking up at him hopefully. He had just gotten him back, he couldn't go back to the fighting, couldn't hold himself back if he saw him in danger again. "Stay for a while"
"I left people there, I left my family, Regulus", James argues, but his eyes are softening, and Regulus knows all James can see is the fourteen-year-old boy who showed up at the astronomy tower for years at a time just to be less alone. "That's the hardest part about this, every time I see them coming towards me, I put everyone else at risk because I'm looking for you" his voice cracks as he looks down at the floor, tugging his shirt out of Regulus' desperate grip as he sees the mask. "It isn't too late to join us", he adds, circling back to right where they left off, late nights fighting the inevitable. "I wouldn't let anyone hurt you, you know that"
"It isn't that easy, Jamie"
"Don't call me Jamie", James spits out, running a hand over his head as if he forgot his comfort blanket was gone.
"Do you remember when Maman buzzed my hair?" Regulus asks carefully, sitting down on one of the steps and exhaling with relief when James sits next to him. "You made me potions every day for months to help grow it back", he snorts as he looks back "Slughorn was so proud you were finally applying yourself". James smiles coyly, pushing back thoughts of impending doom as he loses himself on memory lane.
"Yeah well, it looked pretty shit, I was doing the world a good deed," he teases as he feels his hair "not everybody can pull it off"
"I don't know, I was pretty besotted with your long hair," Regulus says dryly, "Although I was besotted with all of you back then"
"Guess it's worn off by now? You sound like Sirius, calls me 'the golden boy in need of polishing'." James shakes his head as he looks at Regulus, "Always hard when your biggest fans turn against you." James pauses as he gauges how Regulus reacted to his brother's name, "He tried to come by here you know, couldn't get within 20 metres the wards are so strong" He trails off, a question hanging in the air.
"You've always been allowed through the wards," Regulus says softly, looking around the house. "All of you is here," he shakes his head as James starts to speak, "Not literally, but my magic is tainted by you, it was you who taught me how to make wards after all." Regulus reaches out for his hand, letting their pinkies twine together as he thinks back to James' delicate instructions before he went home one summer.
"I came once, couldn't get in through the front door", James says it lightly, but the worst crush Regulus.
"You did?" He pulls his hand back, letting the words wash over him as he looks at James, searching for anything that would give it away as a joke.
"Don't look too heartbroken, the back door was fine but when I looked through the window I couldn't come in" James swallows fiddling with the hem of his shirt, "You were there and you looked so normal and I knew then that if I walked in I wouldn't walk out."
"You're here now"
"Yeah, and you're being all nice to me," James laughs emptily "How come we still work? This war has broken everything good, but this mess is still rolling about"
"We weren't always a mess," Regulus says defensively, "There were some good times"
"The real mess is that when you look at me, they're all I can see", James muses, letting his head fall against the wall.
"Is that really so bad?" Regulus pleads.
"You know we aren't the same, Reggie", he whispers, but the words don't matter as the familiar nickname breaks down any restraint Regulus has. He shuffles so their legs are pressed together letting one of his hand rest on James' thigh. "There's a war" James says dryly.
"Not in here," Regulus promises, "Not right now" He says pleadingly as a hand rests over James' heart, feeling a bump on his chest. He doesn't ask before pulling a not out of the pocket, hopeful as he unfolds it before it gets yanked out of his grip. Ah. Not from him, then. "Sorry", he whispers, shuffling back again to lean on the banister "That was stupid".
"It's fine", James says bluntly, tucking it back in his pocket. Regulus' own feels as if it's burning, James' handwriting wrapping his heart, always.
"I thought for a minute that it might be from me," Regulus says self-deprecatingly, avoiding James' eyes as he cracks his fingers.
"It's been three years", James says emptily, letting the knowledge hover between them. "Look, I should-"
"Please," Regulus whispers, still not looking at him as a lone tear falls down his face, "You can tell them I took you, you could stay the night"
"And leave my friends? Your brother? My parents?" He says bitterly, "We aren't kids"
"Even more reason to stay, to take a break", he pleads, turning to face him.
"No," James says, standing and brushing the creases out of his jeans as if it'll matter in twenty minutes when his life is on the line. Regulus doesn't speak, letting the tears rain down, but he sees no regret in James' eyes. That's when he knows it's over. When James can look at him with pity, not empathy.
"Right," he says, licking his lips slightly ", I'll see you around. You can always come by". James begins to walk away but looks back for a moment.
"You know you aren't always helpless Reg, my wards are down too, always have been, front door and back because I don't feel the need to hide you." He says with an echo of long-brewing anger. "You can save yourself," He promises, leaving Regulus staring at the space where he once stood as he disappears, letting the note fall to the floor behind him. Regulus scampers towards it like a dog after a bone, fingering it reverently as he opens it to reveal his handwriting. For a moment, he's grateful, thankful that no one else has the heart he knew all too well. It also cuts deeper than any other option; knowing James left him behind in this house, every last scrap.
He lets it flutter to the floor, forever unread, as he writes his own and grabs the locket Kreacher made. A desperate clutch at the world they dreamt together as he apparates far away from any war and out to the cliff.
Two weeks later, James returns to the house, the only person the wards let in as Sirius remains curled up in the street, comforted by Remus. He sinks to his knees as he sees the note, his last plea returned to Regulus in hopes of more. The final letter he would receive from Regulus returned to him once more.
Jamie,
I love you. I love you too. I couldn't say it before, but I was wrong, and you can hold it against me if you like, but you're too pure for all of that. I'm rambling now, but I need to get all of this out before I leave. I got the mark. I'm going home. And I'm a coward, and you can hate me but I couldn't tell you to your face. Just know I don't want this. Just know that if there is a way, we will find it.
Je t'aime. Nous trouverons un moyen.
RAB