Sirius and Remus's relationship was wonderful, for 10 years now they've been enduring things together perfectly, every struggle, every fight. Everything you could imagine. However, they had two different ideas of how their sexual side of the relationship went.
Remus was always satisfied with whatever him and Sirius did, and while Sirius felt the same, he had an overwhelming gut feeling that he wasn't enough for Remus, he felt like he should branch out more, maybe some new outfits, some new kinks, whatever he thought would make him fit Remus, he wanted.
Now, Remus adored Sirius most, he couldn't look at anyone else other than Sirius and think of a relationship, he was only for him, but Sirius thought it was different. Sirius thought he had to compete, so when he took his shirt off in the mirror and saw the scar in the middle of his chest, the bit of a stomach he was developing, and the scars at his shoulders that bit at his arms, he didn't think he could compete.
Sirius never told Remus about all of his trauma, he didn't want to scare Remus or put too much on him, he thought he was poison and it was only a matter of time before Remus got tired of his bitter taste.
Remus sat at his desk in the corner of the room, he'd kept a fan on for background noise, and when he got tired of that, he'd put on a song, but for this activity. He was captivated by every stroke against the canvas, although he wasn't good at first. He never gave up on it, and now he was making a painting of him and Sirius dancing at their wedding, and even while he's seen Sirius bare thousands of times, he still would blush at every new sight of him.
Sirius felt like a million small knives were poking at his skin, he nervously made his way up the steps and into the bedroom, he stood at the doorframe for a bit, just watching Remus paint, he could watch him for hours, but for now, he preferred to be more hands on with his husband.
"Darling, you can watch up close If you'd like."
Remus snapped Sirius out of his little trance, Sirius hadn't realized Remus knew he was watching, but it wouldn't take long for him to make his way over to Remus, setting himself down on his knees and resting his head on Remus's lap.
Remus set his brush down and cleaned his hands, then he looked down to see his pretty boy smiling with his eyes closed right in his lap.
"Is everything okay my dear?"
Remus said while rubbing his thumb against Sirius's jaw.
Sirius went to speak, and a gentle sound let out before he got his first word in.
"Could we try something, something sexual"
"Sure, but may we talk about this in bed? I'm a little tired of this chair."
Sirius nodded and Remus helped him up into their bed and onto his chest.
"Soo, what is it that you wanted to try dear?"
Remus's voice was soothing to Sirius, he followed each word gently.
"Blindfolding, I want you to use me while I'm blindfolded."
Remus rubbed Sirius's face while thinking of a response.
"I'm up to try anything, but we're having sex, I'm not using you Sirius, I don't view you as a tool or some sort of sex toy."
Sirius smiled, he got up and grabbed a blindfold he had secretly bought a few weeks back, as for Remus, he got up grabbed a few things from inside the desk.
Sirius returned to the bed and met Remus there again.
"Strip."
Sirius began to strip immediately, and Remus grabbed at his ass, leaving his hand print on him, sirius couldn't resist and grabbed Remus for a kiss, they both kept grabbing at each other and panted between the seconds their lips weren't stuck together until Remus remembered what he was asked to do.
"And are you sure about this Sirius?"
"Mhm, and I'm ready as I'll ever be."
Remus chuckled and started tieing the blindfold around Sirius, Sirius could feel the knives dim down, and his hearing felt like it had become a bit more clear, Remus finished the blindfold with a tie that would allow either one of them to rip it off whenever need be.
Remus grabbed at sirius's body a bit more before he gave his first instruction.
"On the bed, lay on your stomach."
Sirius obeyed and laid down, wiggling as he was waiting for Remus's first move. They had talked about spanking before, but Remus wanted to get better with it.
"It's been a while so I wanted to ask, do you still want to try spanking some more?"
Sirius nodded
"I need words my love."
Sirius mustered up a "yes"
He was completely fine with it, but he already started to feel his mind drifting into Remus's hands.
Remus started off with a nice smack on sirius's ass, and Sirius moaned and pushed into the bed.
"Count them to 5 for me okay doll?"
"Yes sir"
Remus came down again, leaving more of a red hand print than before.
"Two"
Again, Remus went harder with this one. He wanted to test what would work best for his sweet boy.
"Three"
Remus took it lighter on him this time, trying to give his ass a bit of a break from the past 3 hits.
"Four"
"One more dear."
Remus found the right amount of force, he spanked him again and Sirius let out a louder moan.
"Five"
"Good, you're so good for me."
Remus stripped down and felt Sirius's cock, Sirius was leaking already.
Remus kissed Sirius's back and slowly rubbed his dick against the red marks on Sirius's ass, Sirius tried thrusting deeper into the bed each time Remus went up and down him.
Remus picked up his pace, now his dick was touching Sirius's and they both couldn't help but let out moans as they touched.
Remus flipped Sirius over and rubbed his hands up and down his hips, Sirius still trailing off of the sounds they were making.
"Color?"
"Green, sir"
Sirius's mind was in the clouds, and Remus was keeping him in the safety of his touch.
Remus guided Sirius while holding his hair and led him off the bed and onto his knees while Remus sat on the edge of the bed.
"Just remember, tap my leg twice and I'll instantly stop"
Sirius nodded "Yes sir."
They always had this rule for when one of them weren't able to speak during sex, they had worked on their rules a lot, Remus mainly guiding Sirius on how to have loving sex since Sirius was only ever abused or used before he got to Remus.
Remus slowly let Sirius take him in, while Sirius didn't have a gag reflex, Remus wanted to last a bit longer than their last time at least.
Sirius started sucking on his own, but then Remus guided him, with his fist in Sirius's hair, he controlled him and let him take more or have him take less of his dick, he wanted Sirius to savor this as much as he did.
"Your mouth feels so good." Remus moaned
Sirius felt warm while they were doing this, he felt perfect in Remus's hands.
Remus kept going, and Sirius kept fighting to go deeper and get more of Remus in his mouth, Remus was concerned because it was their first time, but he wasn't gonna stop Sirius from having some fun.
Remus stood up and started thrusting, changing from holding his hair to letting Sirius hold his body.
And Sirius felt that warm feeling, bit it kept getting warmer.
The two kept going, Remus flipped Sirius onto the bed and started to thrust into Sirius, they've done anal hundreds of times, Sirius fits Remus perfectly, that's the only reason he felt comfortable swapping him around to that position.
Remus kept thrusting while Sirius grabbed the sheets, he felt Remus grab his cock and her him off while thrusting, as best as his sweaty hands could at least.
But Sirius couldn't let go of the warm feeling. And it turned into an uncomfortable warm. It felt like his heart was pounding. While he listened to Remus's breathing, his mind trailed off, he opened his eyes, and he was back to where he didn't want to be.
He was back in his bed, fighting his father to keep himself safe, but his dad had restrained him and left him unable to see, that way Sirius wouldn't see who it was.
"You're not trans, I'll show you that, your body was made to take this."
Sirius started to panic, thrashing around trying to fight his father, he was having a panic attack, but he was stuck in the situation he thought he got out of, he just couldn't tell if it was happening again or if this was another nightmare.
Sirius struggled. But then when he opened his eyes, all he saw was the blindfold covering his eyes, his breathing was heavy, but Remus had already stopped and rested him on his chest.
"Sirius sweetheart it's me Remus."
Remus kept repeating.
Sirius had told Remus that he was taken advantage of as a child but he never mentioned the blindfold. He thought he got over it. And he wanted to try something new because he thought it's what he needed to do to keep Remus interested in him.
"Sirius, can I take the blindfold off, are you ready for me to?"
Sirius tapped Remus's collarbone twice, and he removed it, Sirius stared at Remus with teary eyes, not long before they were closed and he was crying, Sirius ran his hands through Sirius's hair gently.
"In through the mouth."
Sirius didn't realize it but he was automatically following what Remus said.
"Hold."
"And out through the nose."
They both took a deep breath together, and Remus carried Sirius to their bathroom, he turned the water on, he made it warm but not too hot, and he set Sirius down in the bath tub while putting some bubbles in it.
"I'm going to leave for 2 minutes to get us some pajamas, okay dear?"
Sirius nodded and sunk into the water until it reached his shoulders, he continued to take deep breaths while Remus left the room, and Remus was quick, because he hated having to leave him alone right after a panic attack just like this one.
Remus got set his and Sirius's clothes down with a towel by the tub and got in, right behind Sirius, he was holding him while washing his body and his hair, making sure he held his hand the whole time.
"You're okay Sirius, everything's okay, it's just you and me."
Sirius was able to relax a bit and closed his eyes, resting against Remus while bathing them.
He gently scrubbed against his privates, then he went to wash his legs and went up to his chest, then to his arms and then his hair, making sure he didn't get anything in his eyes either.
Remus kissed the back of Sirius's head and finished cleaning them up.
"Let's dry off and get some clothes on dear."
After a minute of silence and waiting for Sirius to respond, he stood up, then Remus followed, they dried off and got in the comfortable pajamas Remus brought from the room.
Remus led Sirius into their bed, Remus laid down again and Sirius laid back into his chest, Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius.
"What happened Sirius?"
"I panicked"
"Do you know why?
"Yes"
"May you tell me?"
"Yes"
Sirius fell short for words, then kept going
"My father, while I was first coming out as trans, he'd tie me to my bed and blindfold me, then he'd show me why I was born a woman and that I was supposed to use my body for pleasure in the way he had used me for."
Remus's heart dropped, but he picked it back up, he had to be strong for Sirius.
"I'm going to kill that man, I'm so sorry Sirius. What made you want to try blind folding again?"
Sirius tried to dodge the question
"I just thought I was over it."
But Remus knew something else was up.
"From now on, no blind folding or tieing up or restraining of any sort."
"I'm sorry"
"You did nothing wrong Sirius, you're okay, but I need you to be honest about what's going on in that pretty head of yours."
Sirius lost his voice in his throat, it felt like he couldn't speak.
"I wanted to try and be better for you, I wanted to give you something new to enjoy, I know I'm not pretty like the other boys and I'm not as thin as the girls you're friends with either. I'm not really attractive and i don't know why you chose me, I don't want to burden you anymore Remus and I'm sorry you fell in love with me, I'm sorry I wasn't able to do this, I know there's so much better out there for you."
Silence kept the room still, but Sirius continued on.
"I know I'm a fucking failure Remus, I'm such an idiot, I'm holding you back, I never give the rigjt amount for you because I never will be enough, I don't deserve you and you deserve better, It would've been better for you and everyone else had I been able to at least kill myself correctly, maybe then I'd be able to finally give the world something of value."
Remus gently stroked Sirius's hair, his voice was teary.
"Sirius, I love you because of who you are, there's only one Sirius and he's mine, there's just my sweet, handsome man, I married you for a reason, the kids we were dreamed of moments like this, you're the reason I'm alive and push forward every day Sirius, I could never choose anyone else because I don't want anyone else, you're mine ans I'm yours, forever, I love you, I love your figure, your stomach and hips and waist and everything up and down, head to toe, to the very last strand of hair, I would travel a thousand miles, count every last star, and drain every last ocean before I'd ever even for a second think twice about my decision of marrying you and choosing you, you're not a burden, I want the weight of your issues, I want to make them our issues so we can fight them together. You inspire life to everyone around you, so you taking yours away would be devastating, I don't deserve better, there isn't any better than you, you're all I want, you're the only one I'll ever love and I'm happy it's this way, we don't need any special things either for sex, all I need is you."
Remus kissed sirius on his forehead, and Sirius snuggled into his arms
"You're so handsome, you're safe baby, both arms cradle you now."
Sirius smiled
"I love you Remus"
"I love you Sirius"
Remus plays with sirius's hair, but Sirius fell asleep right after he heard I love you, Remus stayed up for a bit more to make sure he was okay, and after a while of waiting, he shut off the lamp light and fell asleep with his favorite boy in his arms.