Remus knew without a doubt that Sirius Black was the love of his life. From the moment he first laid eyes on those pale blue, nearly gray eyes, Remus was his. The small boy with perfectly coiffed black curls, uniform pressed without a single wrinkle, but eyes full of mischief and a smirk that didn’t fit the upper class appearance he presented, Sirius Black was an enigma. Everyone could see that the two boys were meant to be together, especially their close friends. Remus and Sirius had done all of the typical steps before marriage. Remus had moved into a flat with Sirius. They hosted parties and spent night after night planning a future. Kids and Christmases spent with potential future in-laws (Remus’ parents and the Potter’s) and friends. They even adopted a small black and brown puppy named Padfoot. Remus saw his whole future in Sirius’ eyes. Until the day he didn't.
Remus should’ve seen it coming. The way James would stare at him with a dopey smile. The way Peter would gossip with the girls and then stop the minute Remus walked in the room. Peter never could keep a secret. When Sirius asked Remus to wear a nice outfit to dinner instead of his usual worn sweater, Remus should've seen it coming. When they took the trip up to the small village outside of the boarding school where they first met, Remus should've known what was about to happen. But it took him until the moment Sirius knelt before Remus and took his hands in his own for him to see what was in front of him, but the only thing that crossed his mind was ‘No.’ Unfortunately for everyone involved, that word spilled out of Remus’ mouth like wine from a bottle. He dropped Sirius’ hand and covered his mouth, appalled at his own action.
Sirius stood up hesitantly, looking over at where their friends and families stood holding glasses of champagne, everyone expecting a different answer to the question. But sometimes, Remus thought, you just don't know the answer until someone’s on their knees and asks you. If you had asked Remus hypothetically if he would marry Sirius, he would've said yes without a moment of hesitation. But in the moment, all he wanted was to run. The silence in the room was deafening. Sirius had a wrinkled slip of paper in his hand. A speech, he must’ve practiced dozens of times, never to be spoken aloud again. That crumpled piece of paper that he slid into his pants pocket, but something else slipped out and onto the marble beneath their feet, the ting of the metal on the floor the only sound in the room. A ring. Of course there was a ring.
Remus felt the disappointment from the people in the room like a hot breeze on a humid day. He couldn't breathe. He couldn’t look anyone in the eye, but he knew they were all on him. Remus turned to leave, to flee, but he felt a clammy hand grip his and he froze.
“Don’t leave. We don’t have to make a scene. Just stay, we can talk about it later. Please don’t let this be how I remember this night.” Sirius whispered, wiping away a tear that had fallen from Remus’ eye without his knowledge. Remus looked into Sirius’ eyes and with the redness around the edges it was clear that he was moments away from crying himself. Remus wanted more than anything to leave but he knew he would regret leaving things with Sirius like this. He nodded briefly and Sirius turned to their friends.
“It’s alright friends, it's okay. This kind of stuff happens, let's just… Lets eat and be happy and just, fuck, just forget the last twenty minutes alright?” Sirius was using his playful, carefree voice, but it was obvious to Remus how hurt he was. A few guests laughed pityingly at Sirius’ attempt at nonchalance, and Remus took that moment to excuse himself and bolted to the bathroom, splashing water on his face. The droplets ran down his chin and onto the button down shirt he wore just for Sirius, and at that moment he wanted nothing more than the comfort of one of his well worn, oversized sweaters. Remus wiped his face on a towel, and braced himself for the next few hours of pretending he hadn't just destroyed the one good thing he ever had.
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“Sirius, you can't drive like this, and James’ parents took him with them when he left. We’re going to have to take the train home.” Home, Remus thought to himself. Is it even his home anymore? Remus was fixated on the word, while Sirius seemed fixated on another. It was approaching one in the morning, and Remus had seen Sirius go from masking his pain to wearing it as a shield. Now, it appears, he was drunk enough to voice his pain and anger.
“Oh do we have to take the train? Are we going home now?” Sirius slurred his words slightly, an almost empty bottle of Dom Perignon in his hand. Remus sighed, running his hand over his face. He was exhausted, and he wasn't quite as sober as he would’ve liked to be, but he knew that he needed to get Sirius home so they could sober up enough to talk about what happened. What that ‘no’ really meant.
Because Remus knew he couldn't stay anymore. Every molecule in his body knew that this was the last time he would see James and Peter, Lily and Mary, Regulus, Barty, and Evan. He knew that their evergreen group of friends would be losing him tonight, never to be evergreen again. Never to be his friends again. He would fade from their lives as a bad memory, his name a bitter taste in their mouths. Remus knew tonight he dropped Sirius’ heart, cracking it down the middle, but in the morning he would shatter it.
After getting Sirius to follow him out the door, Remus helped him navigate the three blocks to the train, buying two tickets and gently directing them both to their seats. Sirius spread out, taking up more space than was strictly necessary, but as it was late there weren't many passengers to disrupt, and the few who also chose to ride this late were already asleep. Remus knew he could sleep, he was sure Sirius would follow suit, but he couldn't help himself. Instead he pulled up a train schedule on his phone and tried to determine where he would go in the morning. He assumed Sirius was too drunk for his usual perceptiveness, but Remus should've known better. He glanced up from his phone once to see Sirius was sitting straight up, eyes wide and much clearer than they were when he first sat down.
“You’re leaving?” Sirius whispered, pointing to Remus’ phone. Remus paled, and turned his phone down so that the screen wasn't visible.
“How did you… I wasn't even turned towards you, how did you even see that?” Remus asked, knowing this wasn't the right question as soon as the words registered across Sirius’ face, his look of shock turning to one of annoyance.
“If you're going to be sneaky, you might not want to sit with your back to a window.” Remus turned around and yes, he had been sitting with his back to a window, and with the pitch black of nightfall behind him, it might as well have been a mirror.
“Sirius.. I can't stay. Not after what I did.”
“What did you do? You said no. You wouldn't marry me.” Sirius spoke the words with a bitter tone, and Remus couldn’t blame him.
“You shouldn't want to marry me. I.. I'm not right, Sirius. I'm just not. I lie, all the time. To you, to our friends. To myself. I thought I wanted this, a future with you. I can picture it so vividly, but I'm not meant to have it.” Remus knew he would only bring Sirius pain when one day his demons would come to the surface and he would lash out, he would hurt Sirius more by leaving him years down the line. Remus never realized how much he wanted to run, until he was asked to stay.
“You won't even fight for it? You won't even try to stay, for me?”
“I think,” Remus said, reaching to wipe a tear from Sirius’ cheek, “I have been trying this whole time. And I think I just don't have any fight left in me.”
“But… But you’re the love of my life, Moony.”
“And you will be the loss of mine, Sirius.”
At that, Sirius reached forward, pulling Remus into his arms and they held each other as the train brought them to their home, for the last time.