Godric’s Hollow
Sirius was trying his best not to think, and failing miserably. He kept thinking the worst.
Voldemort had been after all three of them for months. James would do anything for Harry, even fighting off Voldemort. Maybe he had defeated Voldemort. Maybe they had killed each other. Maybe Voldemort had killed James and then Dumbledore arrived and killed Voldemort. James wouldn’t be dead - he couldn’t be dead, or Sirius would have heard about it. Dumbledore would have told him.
He couldn’t keep up this denial. The fidelius charm was broken. You Know who had made his attack, and the best of wizards had met their end at his hands.
Never would Sirius have thought the rat had it in him. Then again, Peter had always been one to follow the greater power - “join the winning side” could’ve been his motto for life. Sirius cursed himself, slamming his head against the handlebar of his motorcycle. Why couldn’t he have seen that Peter was as filthy and two faced as his animagus form?
Sirius had spent every waking minute of his hiding wishing for something to happen. For someone to be attacked - someone to save, someone to defeat, someone to give the thrill of a fight, a purpose. He finally had it, and it couldn’t be worse. The gate to the Potters’ house screeched into the silence, and Sirius gazed upon the cottage for the first time in months.
His blood ran cold. The roof was all but gone. The windows were smashed, and broken glass littered the ground. A large section of the first floor had been reduced to a pile of rubble and splintered planks of wood.
“Lumos.” Sirius muttered, his voice a strangled rasp, as he raised his wand and began to make his way down the path. He was trembling, barely able to force his legs to move.
Half of him didn’t dare go in for fear of what he would see. The other half won. Sirius had to see James again - talk to him, even if James had no way of responding. Sirius ventured towards it once more, pushing open the front door and entering the hallway.
He only just managed to hold back his scream.
James’ body was spreadeagled on the floor. His torso was propped against the wall, as if he had collapsed there and slid down. His glasses had fallen off his face, dangling where they caught on his clothing. He looked almost how he used to after a night out in the three broomsticks in seventh year - disheveled and hungover. But then, even the time he drank himself unconscious, he had never looked so still, so drained, so cold.
This James had an uncanny resemblance to the one Sirius knew, but there was no grin wide across his face, no glint in his eye or twitch of his nose. Static in a permanent mask of panic, wide-eyed and mouth hanging open, his face was strangely waxy, moulded and shaped to be an infinitely close replica. He looked inhuman.
Sirius leant against the floor frame and vomited until his stomach was empty, collapsing onto all fours. He crawled towards James and stretched his arm out and fixed the placement of James’ glasses, gently arranging them on his nose. His hair was as messy as ever, sticking up at the back as it always did. He reached towards James’ hand that lay palm up on the floor. It was cold when Sirius clasped it, but still had the familiar, comforting feeling.
“You said we would talk tomorrow.” Sirius whispered, his voice a hoarse, dry sob. “You promised.”
Silence. He couldn’t hear him. This was stupid.
If only Sirius hadn’t made them pick the rat to be secret keeper. Even if he was tortured for hours on end, Sirius wouldn’t give up his friends. Sirius would have died for James. He would die for Remus. If he didn’t know about the betrayal, he would have died for Peter.
“I’m so, so sorry.”
Sirius drew James’ hand to himself, clutching it to his chest, desperately clinging onto any feeling of life he could draw from him.
“I love you so much James. I never meant to kill you.”
He felt himself crying again, this time more potently than before, gripping James’ hand as he rocked back and forth, trying to breathe while heaving with great wracking sobs. He felt the anger bubbling up inside him as he gazed down at James.
“I’m going to find Peter and I’m going to kill him. I’m going to make him pay for this. I’m going to make sure he suffers.”
A faint cry echoed from the floor above, higher than Sirius’ own. There surely wasn’t any possibility that Harry was still alive? Lily and James’ son, Sirius’ godson who he had vowed to protect should anything happen to his parents, hadn’t been killed?
When Sirius tried to stand his legs gave beneath him again. Shaking, he dragged himself to the stairs, gripping the bannister to stagger to the first floor. It was obvious which room to enter; the door blown off its hinges, the ceiling half caved in. The sky was visible from the destroyed wall, a draught brushing against Sirius’ skin.
Lily lay crumpled on the floor, a broken and cracked statue of horror. Pure and utter terror was carved into every line of her face as it creased into a scream - fear for Harry, for James, for herself. The panic in Lily’s eyes, even as they remained terribly fixed and glassy, was worse than anything Sirius could possibly have imagined. He’d never seen anyone so completely defeated.
He leant down and brushed the hair from her face, looking up at a small whimper from behind her, desperate and frightened. A tiny fist curled around the bars of Harry’s cot, his other arm stretching out to his mother, crying out in frustration when she didn’t respond. Sirius looked at him, Harry’s eyes boring into him, so similar to his mother’s. He was so different to when Sirius last saw him, before the fidelius charm. But what Sirius was focused on was the a large, red, painful scar branded on his forehead in the shape of a lightning bolt, as if carved by a knife although it did not bleed.
“Da-da?” Harry smiled, his face lighting up under James’ shock of black hair. But when Sirius took a shaking step closer, his face illuminated by his wand, Harry’s face scrunched up once more, withdrawing to the back of his cot, tears rolling down his cheeks again.
He was the wrong person, knew he could never even pretend to fill the role that Lily and James had held. But he could do his best to support Harry, to take care of him and protect him.
His knees buckled. A sob ripped from his throat. He collapsed, sinking to the floor, his breath coming in short, harsh gasps. Sirius seemed to be very far away, watching himself, his vision swimming.
Harry remained backed away in the corner of his cot, wide-eyed and terrified at Sirius’ intrusion. Sirius didn’t try to get closer, couldn’t bring himself to move at all.
A crash sounded from below, echoing through the empty house, and someone downstairs let out a shout of anguish. Sirius stiffened, his hand instinctively reaching for his wand, though his mind was too numb to formulate any coherent spell. It had fallen a few centimetres out of his grasp, casting a beam of light across the floorboards.
Heavy footsteps sounded from the stairs, Sirius’ brain moving too slowly to comprehend the large black mass that obscured his view. It paused by him, pondering. There was some sort of muffled sound before it turned and moved to the cot, where Harry cried out again as the intruder picked him up, only now Sirius registering it was a person.
“Who…” his voice was raspy, the rest of his sentence lost as his mouth struggled to form the necessary words.
“Hagrid.” It answered, patting Harry comfortingly with a surprising gentleness for such a large man, and Sirius at last recognised the face of the Hogwarts groundskeeper, tear stained and his nose red.
“What are… you…?”
“I’m here to take Harry.”
Sirius shook his head, thinking he surely misheard.
Hagrid laughed, “Dumbledore’s orders, I’m afraid.” Hagrid said, rubbing his hands together.
Mustering whatever energy he had remaining, Sirius reached for his wand, pushing himself up against the wall, hoping his knees wouldn’t buckle again. “No.”
“I’m sorry to do this to you, Sirius, but I can’t go against Dumbledore and neither should you, as a member of the Order.”
“Give him to me. I’m-” Sirius caught his breath. “I’m his godfather. I’ll take care of him.”
Why should Harry have to live with people who Lily never spoke to, who she said were bad tempered and hated wizards, and most importantly muggles.
“I’m sorry, Sirius, but he’s to go to his aunt and uncle. Lily’s family will take care of him.”
It felt like a betrayal, allowing Harry to go off with him. What was Dumbledore thinking? Forcing Harry to stay with such people? Lily had been so upset not to be a bridesmaid at her sister’s wedding. She’d just started dating James then. Sirius remembered both of them being very confused as to why she would want to attend a muggle wedding anyway, having to dress and act like one.
“Give Harry to me. I’m his godfather; I’ll look after him.” He pleaded, reaching out his arms. “It’s my responsibility.”
Hagrid shook his head. “I’m under strict orders from Dumbledore not to give Harry to anyone.”
“Then take my motorcycle. Please, I want to help if it means getting Harry to safety.”
“Well, I -“ Hagrid dithered for a few seconds. “Alright.”
The green flames erupting from the fireplace didn’t even have time to dissipate before Sirius was paralysed, struck by a non verbal freezing charm halfway stepping out of the grate.
A familiar, strangely cold voice filled the hallway, quiet and clear.
“Sirius.”
Remus Lupin’s face was stony, his wand raised and pointed at Sirius’ chest. His eyes pierced Sirius’ as he walked towards him. When Remus spoke again, his wand still directed at Sirius’ heart, there was a slight quiver in his voice.
“Why did you do it? James and Lily, their son… Why?”
Sirius sighed, tears threatening to escape again as he refused to meet Remus’ eyes. “I as good as killed them, but I was never a spy.”
“Really? How so, when all this time you accused me of being the spy to cover up your tracks?” Remus stepped closer to him, pressing the tip of his wand against Sirius’ neck. Sirius could feel his shaky breaths as they brushed across his face.
“For fuck’s sake, Sirius. You were the secret keeper, and all of a sudden I know exactly where they are and Moody tells me they’re… that You Know Who...” Remus’ voice was quivering even more now. “Who else would it be? Fucking look at me, Sirius. Tell me who it was if not you.”
“Peter.” He choked out, and Remus’ face warped in surprise. “I wasn’t the secret keeper. I made them choose Peter instead. I thought I would be too obvious.” He tried not to blink, feeling tears well up again.
Remus drew back, flicking his wand to release Sirius of the freezing charm. He stood, breathing deeply, his hands wrapped around himself, his head bowed. “So Peter is-“
“Peter is the spy.” Sirius spoke with venom in his voice. “He betrayed them.”
Remus began pacing around, wringing his hands. “How can you be sure? What if he was forced Veritaserum or-“
Sirius walked over to Remus and placed a hand on his arm, causing him to stop in his tracks and look into Sirius’ eyes. “Remus. Look at this.”
He pulled the shredded strips of fabric from his pocket and threw them on the grass. “Reparo.” They fit themselves back together, redoing stitches and forming the cloak once more. “Pick that up and look at the lining. The cloak belongs to Peter.”
Gingerly, Remus picked it up and held the fabric under his wand light. Sirius watched as he inspected it, brows furrowed. Remus’ eyes widened slightly upon noticing the pattern. His whole face changed in an instant. A look of complete and utter disgust overwhelmed his expression, and he dropped the cloak just as Sirius had.
“He - He gave this to you?”
“He gave it to me this evening - took it off because he was anxious and overheating. We know why now, of course. As soon as You Know Who attacked the Potters, Peter must have known he would be caught.” Sirius watched Remus closely.
He was breathing very heavily, starting to pace around again. “Peter did always follow the most powerful people he could find.”
“You believe me?”
“Yes.” Remus suddenly stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Sirius. He reciprocated, feeling comfort in the warmth of Remus’ body, his face against his collarbone. He’d missed Remus too much.
“But you didn’t.” Remus continued shakily, pulling away but taking hold of Sirius’ hands. “You thought I was the spy. You and James.”
“I never thought you had done it willingly.” Sirius said against his chest, pulling him back. “But I knew it wasn’t me, and Peter seemed too incapable of being successful at anything to possibly be the spy. You were the only one left. I underestimated him. I’m sorry, Remus. Truly. Thinking you were the spy was the worst mistake of my life.”
Remus considered it, looking at Sirius’ eyes again. “Will you forgive me, if I in turn forgive you for thinking I would betray them?”
“Of course.”
The grandfather clock suddenly chimed loudly, marking the hour as one o’clock and they broke apart with a jolt.
Sirius picked up a half empty wine bottle from the mantlepiece, and strode into the kitchen, Remus following.
“Where were you coming back from?”
Scrunching up his eyes, Sirius finished filling up a wine glass before mustering an answer. “I went to Godric’s Hollow. I saw… I saw them.”
Remus’ entire demeanour was a picture of concern, crossing the room to place his hand on Sirius’. “What happened? Are you okay?”
Sirius looked up at him and yanked his hand away. How could Remus’ hand be so warm and alive when James’ was cold and stiff and dead?
“I doubt anyone is ‘okay’ these days.” Sirius took a swig of wine, downing the glass in one go before placing it on the table with a thud, spurring himself on to continue. “Dumbledore told Hagrid to take Harry from the house-“
“Harry is alive? I thought - why would You Know Who leave him alive?” Remus interjected. “Where is he now?”
“Hagrid took him to Lily’s family. He arrived when I was there. I asked him to give Harry to me but he wouldn’t go against Dumbledore’s orders. He was nice about it, but…” he trailed off.
“Doesn’t her family hate her? Why would Dumbledore want him there?”
“I don’t know why he’s with them or what happened or what Dumbledore knows or why I haven’t been told or what will happen next or how I’m going to cope or fucking anything at all!” Gesticulating wildly, Sirius’ voice raised at the last part although it wasn’t quite a shout.
“Sirius…” Remus sat next to him. “It’s not even been a whole night since it’s happened. It’s okay not to know and Bagnold said Dumbledore will explain what happened in the morning.”
“So I find out how my brother died when the rest of the world does. How the fuck is that fair.”
“And I find out how my best friends died when the rest of the world does. You’re right, it’s not fair.”
“He was so still, Remus.”
Sirius buried his face in Remus’ chest, and Remus held him gently, neither speaking a word. They stayed like that, Remus looking again through the window at the sky.
After a few minutes, Sirius said quietly, “I’m going to kill him.“
There was no need to clarify who he was talking about. He felt Remus slowly inhale and exhale, and suddenly was worried that he would try to stop him. But Remus surprised him.
“We all made a promise to protect each other just before we joined the Order - you, me, James, Lily, and Peter. Peter broke that promise, but that doesn’t mean we can’t still enforce it.” Remus pushed Sirius away slightly so he looked directly at him. “He said he would die for us, now he will.”
Sirius grinned. Not wanting to sit on the kitchen tiles for much longer, he stood and offered Remus a seat. “It seems we have much to discuss.”
Remus gladly took it as Sirius poured himself another glass of wine before sitting opposite him.
“I saw Peter today at Mary’s Hallowe’en party. He left in a hurry, which was probably the best outcome I could have hoped for - he left us with a perfect way to track him.” He nodded towards Peter’s cloak, which had been brought inside and crumpled on the floor.
“I assume that we do this as soon as possible?”
“Tomorrow, and no later.” He took another sip of his wine. “I want to do it before any of his fellow death eaters get to him first. He gives away the Potter’s location and suddenly their leader is gone? They won’t be happy with him.”
“Sirius, I want to make sure that you don’t underestimate Peter again.” Remus urged, “He’s more capable than you think. He’s clever - not academically, but he knows exactly how to get into someone’s head.”
“I’ve known him as long as you have; I know his capability. But he doesn’t do well with surprises. He likes a plan to follow, and right now his plan for the Potter’s - give up their location, prove his loyalty to You Know Who and be protected by the winning side - has completely collapsed. He doesn’t have his master’s protection anymore, and is the most vulnerable he’ll ever be.”
“He’ll be desperate, and a desperate wizard is the most dangerous and powerful thing you will ever face.”
“I have faced many before, and so have you. I don’t plan on going easy on him. I want to make him hurt.”
Remus backed off, nodding. “Fine.”
They were silent for a bit, until Remus spoke again. “What would you have done if Hagrid had given Harry to you? I assume you’d have brought him here, but then what?”
Now that he thought about it, Hagrid’s decision had been a godsend, at least for the moment. Sirius was far too unprepared to have just taken Harry in immediately. He had no idea what babies needed - would Harry eat real food by now? Would be sleep in a normal bed? “I have no idea. At all.”
“Would you want to raise him if you were more prepared?”
“Of course.” He glared when Remus raised his eyebrows. “Don’t look at me like that. Doesn’t it make sense? I’m his godfather - I know James would have wanted it.”
“Of course it makes sense. I just can’t really imagine you as a father, is all. I didn’t know you had the… commitment.”
If it was anyone else saying that, Sirius would have taken it as an insult. At the end of the day, Remus was right - Sirius had never stuck to one thing for a long time. But Sirius did stick to people. He’d have stuck to James forever, and he would definitely stick to Harry. “I was committed to Lily and James, and now I’m committed to their son. But you’re right.”
“What?”
Sirius reached across the table and took both of Remus’ hands in his own. “If I’m going to adopt Harry, I’ll need help. I can’t raise a baby by myself, I don’t know the first thing. Would you want to-“
“Help you?” Remus’ smile had turned into a wide grin. “I’d wish for nothing else.”
“Together?”
“Always.”