It’s agonising.
Agonising looking into the mirror.
Albus was back here. He’s tispy, a night out at the three broomsticks. He stares into it.
‘Gellert…’ he whispers at the reflection.
He hates it. It shouldn’t be him. Not after what he’s done. It should be her. She never did any thing wrong. His family was always good to him and what did he do? Ruin their lives. He should want them but he doesn’t as much as he desperately wants Gellert.
‘I’m a whore….I’m a stupid desperate whore.’
He really did feel like one. Spreading his legs for the first handsome man who flirted with him. God what would someone like Travers say to that. Correctly call him a dark lords slut. Or even worse, a filthy sodomite.
Albus watched as mirror Gellert smiled at him, so warmly Albus wanted to die. Mirror Gellert then held out his hand. Albus hand gently touched the glass. Merlin he longed to touch Gellert hand again. They were always so warm and big. He remembered how they felt on his cheek, on his waist.
He remembered how Gellert had whispered
‘You’re so beautiful, Albus.’ And kissed his hand.
He wondered agonisingly if Gellert was lying. He likely never found him beautiful. To Gellert Albus must have been a big joke.
‘It was all lies wasn’t it.’ He whispered to the mirror ‘You never loved me.’
‘YOU NEVER LOVED ME!’ Albus was suddenly yelling at the mirror.
He wished that mirror Gellert could have a responded. But as usual the mirror stayed still.
‘I LOVED YOU AND YOU NEVER LOVED ME!’
He felt so stupid. He felt so worthless. How could he have fallen for such lies.
‘I gave you everything, Gel.’ He wasn’t shouting at anyone but instead a tear rolled down his cheek.
‘I gave you my whole heart.’ Albus really stared to cry. He missed him. He missed him so much it was killing him.
Gellert Grindelwald was a monster, he was hurting so many but yet Albus respected Professor at Hogwarts missed him so desperately he felt like his actual his heart was ripped apart.
‘I loved you.’ He told the mirror reflection again. ‘I loved you so much. Merlin do I love you.’
Albus whole body shook, his shoulders heaving up and down.
‘I love you, Gellert. I love you so much.’ At some point Albus fell to the ground sobbing and sobbing. ‘I’m so stupid for loving you. But I do.’
He wished Gellert could talk back. To tell him that his assumption was wrong that he did love him back. That he loves him just the same.
But Gellert didn’t.
Albus found himself sobbing so much that he couldn’t see well. He really was pathetic, he was well into his forties but here he was crying over some teenage love affair.
He wished Aberforth would have let him drown in the lake after Gellert left. He remembered how the water surrounded him, Albus was happy to just let it take him. Let him die like he should have done instead of her.
Love fucking hurts.
Albus spent so much time looking into this mirror. Seeing him. Sometimes the image changes. Sometimes it’s Gellert standing there with a smile on his face, sometimes it’s them together, Gellert arm wrapped possessively around Albus waist. Sometimes it’s them kissing, Gellert hand on his cheek kissing Albus deeply. Sometimes it’s them running together.
Albus can still feel what Gellerts lips taste like. Can still feel his hands all over him. He still remembered how Gellert kissed him all over, his tongue licking him softly. He remembered how Gellert pinned him down and said some of the most romantic things Albus had ever heard.
‘My precious bee.’
‘I miss you even when I’m this close to you.’
‘I’ve never felt this alive in my life, you saved me Albus, my beautiful man.’
‘I want you so much, it hurts when you aren’t around.’
Albus sobbed harder. All lies he thought. All perfectly crafted to make Albus fall for him and how stupid Albus was to believe him.
No one was ever ever gonna fully love him like Gellert pretended too. Albus was always called a strong wizards but he wasn’t strong. He was weak and pathetic. Tispy and staring at a man he wished he could have. Starring at the most wanted criminal in the wizarding world.
‘Why?’ Albus asked the mirror.
‘Why did you do that to me? Was I just a play thing to you?’
He had asked this over and over again. Albus let himself cry hard again, he was sitting on the ground near the mirror, not bothering to even stand.
‘I miss you.’ He said to Gellert softly. ‘I miss you so much.’
He did miss him. To the point of near insanity. He longed and longed for Gellert but all he could do was yell at this stupid reflection.
‘I love you.’ He said again weakly and wondered when it would stop hurting.
What Albus didn’t know was that miles away in Austria, Gellert Grindelwald had found a second mirror. That Gellert Grindelwald saw a certain red haired man in that mirror. That Gellert Grindelwalds fingers were on the glass desperately wanting to touch Albus. What Albus didn’t know was that for Gellert, his love was so profound and true it was burning him alive.
‘You abandoned me.’ Gellert told the reflection. ‘Abandoned our dream…’
Gellert then felt a tear roll down his cheek.
‘I miss you.’
Another tear.
‘I hate you.’
A third tear.
‘I love you.’
Both men would spend hours looking into mirrors. Wishing and wishing that they could just be with each other. But they both knew
Knew that was impossible.